To ask my sister to go home?

[xanthian]

DM is shielding and so my just-turned 18 year old DSis moved in with me at the start of this most recent lockdown, I live in a 2 bed with toddler DS. He has his own room and DSis has been sleeping downstairs on the sofa.

I have been asking her to clean up downstairs as it is a complete mess for about two weeks, maybe a little longer and she hasn't done it. She says she has been unwell but she always seems to be unwell when I need her to do something. I am recovering from covid so have been unable to do much housework at all.

She has spent all day everyday on the sofa not dressed, with blankets on because she is depressed, which I understand. But my son and I are basically just living in my bedroom because I can't face the mess downstairs and because she is just there sat in the dark on her phone or laptop.

She told me she tried to overdose yesterday in my house but changed her mind after taking 9 pills. She has overdosed before but not for a long time.

I said I think maybe she needs to go home and be with our parents, she isn't able to keep herself safe and I don't know if I can keep her safe? What if she overdoses? I feel like she needs her parents? I am only three years older than her. She says that my parents give no support at all and she would be worse off there.

I don't want to be selfish and I know DM will be at higher risk if she goes back home. I don't know what the right decision is?

AIBU to make her go home?

No, you’re not. You’re a parent and your priority is your son.

She needs to go home, today.

You don't ask her.... you tell her.
She'd be out like a shot in my home.
Where are your parents views in all this?

She needs to see a doctor and get some help for her depression asap.

Can you talk to your mother about the situation? How long was your sister supposed to stay with you? Its very unfair on you and your child.

If she's only flopping on the sofa, I can't see how she poses any risk to your mum other than driving her mad.
She needs to go. Tell her.

If she’s at the point where she’s making plans to change her like then she probs needs option c) to get urgent mental health care, possibly even to go into a unit for a while.

Is she already known by any mental health services?

take her life*
Sorry for the typo.

This is really harsh, but social services won't look kindly on you if she attempts suicide in your house while your children are in it. It's viewed as child abuse and they could take your DS if they get a referral because the house is not safe for them, especially if she's leaving pills around. She is an adult, and she needs to sort her shit out, starting with a GP appointment. Serve her a letter of eviction and get her down the council to go on the waiting list to be rehoused. Why did she need to come to yours just because DM is shielding? Is she working? Paying her own way? Studying? What does she do? Just sit there?

Has your sister received medical help for the overdose? Even a small amount over the recommended dosage can be very harmful, depending on what she's taken.

Is your sister in contact with her GP/mental health services? There should also be a crisis service in your area that your GP can signpost to.

I agree with the others, it sounds as though your sister needs to go home to your parents. You're simply not in the right position to deal with this.

I may get flamed, but people who decide to commit suicide usually just disappear and do it. Telling others what you are planning to do, or not quite ‘managing it’ is a cry for help. Your Dsis needs help to deal with her depression and apathy, but it shouldn’t be your responsibility.

Meanwhile, don't cower in your room. Bustle about the place normally - switch the light on, ask her to move off the sofa, fold the blankets away during the day, etc.
Is she still in education or does she have a job?

If she's sitting in bed on her phone or laptop all day how is she a risk to your mother?

If she isn’t going anywhere and is just dossing around on the sofa, I fail to see how she poses a risk to your mum.

I think she also needs to seek medical advice.

If you do decide to let her stay perhaps it would be less stressful to give her one of the bedrooms, so that she is not monopolising your downstairs space

Encourage her to get some help or make some calls for her if she can’t. Don’t stay in your room. Go downstairs, ask her to sit in kitchen while you tidy up and make the place nice - she probably genuinely doesn’t have the energy to do this herself, and you might as well at least be able to sit in your own lounge. Maybe she’ll help a bit if she sees you bustling around, but don’t expect it. Don’t let her dominate the space all day. Tell her you’re struggling, maybe say there needs to be a decision in a few days time about what happens next. Talk to your parents and see what they think.

She needs to go back to your mums tonight.

Send her home,she is not your responsibility.You and your child must be your priority.

Just tell her,no negotiations.

Send her home. You should not have her around your child. Your child is your main priority, not your sister. You parents are better equipped to look after your sister.

She's suffering from such severe depression that she wants to die, and your reaction is to be annoyed? I absolutely don't think you should have to take responsibility for her mental health and living situation. But your post reads like you want her our because of the mess and taking up room. Not because you are worried about her. There is no hint of concern in your message. She needs medical help, not to be living in someone's living room. I don't see what risk she can be to your parents when she isn't leaving the house anyway.

She doesn’t sound like she poses a risk to your mum at all. I think she should go home now. Threatening suicide when you have kids in the house is a worry.

What did she do/where did she live in the first lockdown? Was your mum shielding then?

Yeah tough as this sounds you cant proritise your sister over your child. She needs to go back to your parents. Frankly they should want her home where they can keep an eye on her and support her given her poor mental health.

YANBU she needs to go home and seek medical help. She has taken over your home. It isn’t safe for your ds.

Yes she’s got to go home. If she’s just sitting about at home anyway it doesn’t matter if she lives with someone shielding. Only issue is if you’ve had covid might be take that back to your shielding parent? Sitting about taking over your house won’t be helpful for her either. Has she been to gp? She needs support but you aren’t the one to give it all!

Don't ask, tell!

I do t think she’s a risk to your mum. The question is, though, is your mum better able to support her than you are?

She says that my parents give no support at all and she would be worse off there.

Is this true?

I think if she’s feeling depressed and sitting in the dark all day, you staying upstairs with your DS is probably isolating her more.

Can you give her a bedroom and you share with your DS?

Get downstairs tidied up and get her to share some chores and care of your DS.

She sounds like she needs some purpose and structure and a bit of no-nonsense ‘come on help out’ sort of treatment.