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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I have undiagnosed aspergers at age 34?

43 replies

OtterAtTheZoo · 29/01/2021 15:53

Posting for traffic/ not sure where to post. Sorry it's a long one.

I think I have undiagnosed aspergers because I love solitude, peace, and quiet and due to my bad communication skills. I feel extreme relief when I don't have to go anywhere, talk to anyone outside my immediate family, answer calls, or leave the house. I have a feeling of dread about upcoming events and I need to mentally prepare for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments, often days before a scheduled event. I require down time/ alone time after due to a kind of social overload. Being with a group is worse than one on one. So for example Christmas staying at the inlaws (not this Christmas due to covid) for a few days with them being loud and playing party word games is very very tirying and stressful for me. While there I need (more of a need that a want) to go to a quiet room alone for a bit for down time which they seem to think is rude. I dislike being in crowded places. I don't know how to do eye contact properly. It feels awkward and uncomfortable, so I will avoid if I can. I also strugge with body language (proximity of body, body stance, and posture etc) in conversation. My language skills are quite bad, like I'll talk too fast and stutter sometimes and sometimes have bad pronunciation. My facial expressions do not match the situation. People sometimes ask why do you look so anxious when I am not etc. This has been the case my entire life. I questions the actions and behaviors of my self and others and will replay old conversations in my head thinking if what I said was silly or ask why did they say that or respond like that etc. I think or wonder if people are laughing at me or making fun of me and over analyse peoples expressions, like wondering are they looking at me funnily? I feel as if missing a conversation “gene” or I'm from another planet or something, like I just don't fit in. It's feels more than just being socially anxious /shy. I will sometimes practice/rehearse what I will say to another beforehand or imaginary scenarios in my head. I can't do small chit chat, it just feels unnatural and akward. I don't know when it's my turn to talk when in a group. I hate opening presents infront of people because if you don't have the correct facial expressions and level of enthusiasm in your voice they think you don't like the gift. Also I hate being watched/ centre of attention.
I'm quite sensitive to other people’s negativity and criticism/ perceived criticism. I hate change and like a situation to be planned and and hate changes to the plan. I love routines. I really dislike unexpected visitors. I question social norms. And I sometimes neglect hygiene for time reasons. I dress for comfort and not appearance and I don't wear makeup. I dislike loud noises, mostly loud people especially when it's multiple people like a loud party game. I can't stand nightclubs due to the noise. I have a high pitched young sounding voice. I will escape into my imagination/ daydream into my imaginary worlds. Maladaptive daydreaming I think it's called.

Does this sound like it could be aspergers? Any of you have aspergers or know anyone with it and these things sound similar? Is there any point in being diagnosed now at 34 and how would I even go about that? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
pinkandblueflowers · 29/01/2021 16:00

I don't know much about Asperger but some of these I can relate to but just a few. I just wondered, are u able to lead a normal life like this like work etc? Live alone etc?

I would advise you to go to your GP and show them what u have written here and see what they say

peak2021 · 29/01/2021 16:04

I have a relative with Aspergers and am further aware of the condition because of the programme Chris Packham did. Some of the things you describe seem to fit, but I think you need proper advice on this.

OtterAtTheZoo · 29/01/2021 16:07

I worked from home as a programmer and only needed to occasionally go into the office. Now I'm a sahm and take dc to playgroups (when open) or park and just avoid interacting with the other parents.

OP posts:
Spanglebangle · 29/01/2021 16:08

We don't tend to say Asperger's anymore. It is possible you have Autism. The only way to find out would be to get referred for assessment. This can take over a year.
You would have to decide if it's worth doing. What do you hope to get out of formal diagnosis?
etc.

Givemeabreak88 · 29/01/2021 16:10

I’ve been waiting for over 2 years for my sons diagnosis and he is only 8 so these things aren’t normally quick but yeh only a Professional can tell you

MrMeSeeks · 29/01/2021 16:10

Speak to your gp. If you wish you can be referred for an adult assessment.
A lot of those things yes do sound like autism ( girl/women present differently), Some things sound personal preference but a qualified professional will be able to assess you.
What will it bring to your life now?

MrMeSeeks · 29/01/2021 16:11

It could take 8-12 months now depending on your area also

squangles · 29/01/2021 16:13

I have an autistic child, an autistic father, and am currently questioning if I myself may be autistic. I would say from what you've typed out that you seem to fit the typical profile of autistic females. As for if you need a diagnosis - that depends on you. You may feel that you need a hard answer, or you may want to explore the options that diagnosis brings, particularly with regards to disability employment law.

Late diagnosis/recognition can be tough, but it can also bring relief. I wish you lots of luck on your journey.

Godimabitch · 29/01/2021 16:19

Alot matches with me, I have autism.
Asperges isnt diagnosed anymore, it used be like high functioning autism but just comes under autism spectrum disorder now (ASD).
Alot of people have traits that could be autistic, the way a diagnosis works is that you have to have a certain number of these traits and they have to affect you and your life. During an assessment the doctor will just ask you about certain things, ask you to give them examples of things you struggle with, how it makes you feel, what you do about it and watch your body language.
So if you say, I dont like hugging people, it makes me uncomfortable, but I hug them anyway because I love them, I feel ok afterwards then they might think, nah she's not a fan of hugging but it's not really affecting her. If you said I dont like hugging, it makes me feel trapped, like my skin is itching, I feel like to need to escape, I try to avoid being close enough for people to hug me or avoid situations and people that might hug me. Then hes thinking, yes this is a serious problem for her, signifies autism.

One of my things he clicked on was "do you associate smells with memories" this is an autistic thing but lots of people who aren't autistic do too. But I told him about some soap I smelled on holiday that smelled like my dead nana, it was expensive and I couldn't but it. So later that year I was going back on holiday so I could go to this shop to buy this soap because it smelled like my nana... neurotypicals dont typically do shit like that apparently Grin I didn't think it was unusual till he picked up on it.

If you think it would benefit you then go to the gp with a list of reasons you think you are and ask for a referral for a diagnosis. They dont offer any kind of help unless it massively affects your life though but having an answer can take a weight off your mind.

Coughsyrupsucks · 29/01/2021 16:19

You sound very, very much like my daughter who has level 1 Autism (Aspergers until recently) she was recently diagnosed at 17. If you think a diagnoses will help you, I think it’s worth exploring, I think as an adult it might be harder to get anywhere on the NHS but you can ask? DD is currently doing some CBT to help with the social anxiety, and I believe as an adult you can self refer for that.

You are by no means alone in feeling how you do, and it can just be exhausting. Take lots of time to recover in a when you are feeling overwhelmed with noise, people etc. Have a google for women with autism, and have a look at some of the articles. They can be really helpful in understanding why you feel like you do, and give some great self care tips.

Berni2021 · 29/01/2021 16:34

There is a self checklist written by professor Sir Simon Baron Cohen - Cambridge, if you google it you should find it easily. You could complete this specific diagnostic tool and take it to the GP. It will give you some indication by the score. In Bristol we have the Bristol Autism Spectrum service (BASS) set up specifically for adults who need/want to find out if they are on the spectrum otherwise your doctor could refer you. I hope you find this helpful.

CrystalMaisie · 29/01/2021 16:50

My dd has asd, we investigated after lots of help from supportive mnetters.

We started with an online quiz, which we completed together and strongly suggested she was. Lots of reading online. Then a really fascinating talk by Sarah Hendrickx. Eventually dx by a private Ed psych. Interestingly, the senco at school thought she probably had some asd traits but definitely not asd. That wasn’t the case at all. She masked really well, as girls tend to do, which makes diagnosis trickier.

Where abouts are you, are you able to fund this yourself?

HikeForward · 29/01/2021 16:51

Possibly... but your symptoms sound like social anxiety too.

B33Fr33 · 29/01/2021 16:54

I went through testing for autism at 43. Personally I haven't found a diagnosis reassuring but many people do find this useful. Also not aspergers as it is an awful term used to suggest being nearer to "normal" makes you less likely to experience problems. Really they mean less of a problem to society Angry.

CoffeeWithCheese · 29/01/2021 16:54

@MrMeSeeks

It could take 8-12 months now depending on your area also
I was quoted 2 years + in my area when I discussed it with the GP last month. I'm currently waiting to see if I meet the threshold on my university's screener to get an appointment for diagnosis via that route instead.
Givemeabreak88 · 29/01/2021 16:59

Yeh would love to know where it’s taking 8-12 months, I’ve been waiting for my child since August 2018, maybe it’s quicker for adults though?

OtterAtTheZoo · 29/01/2021 17:15

Thanks for replies, I'll look at the online checklists and quizzes suggested.
I wouldn't want to waste a GP's time and waste other resources that are stretched thin. Could go private. I think knowing would take a weight off your mind, as it would be nice to know that's why I don't fit in/ why I feel different to other people. Also people might be more understanding of why I struggle sometimes and need quiet time away?
Sorry didn't mean to cause offence with using the word aspergers, didn't know its not used anymore.

OP posts:
PowerslidePanda · 29/01/2021 17:28

By all means follow it up with a professional, if you think it would help you, but don't rule out the possibility that you're just an introvert with social anxiety. The whole, "When you hear hooves, think horses - not zebras" thing.

Gingerkittykat · 29/01/2021 17:41

I am autistic, diagnosed in adulthood and I can see some autistic traits in what you wrote but also some anxiety/ social anxiety.

It might be worth contacting some autism charities, I used Scottish autism but if you are not in Scotland then there will be other places to help.

I waited 22 months to be seen by psychology then the assessment process took another few months. The formal diagnosis has really helped me make sense of how I respond to the world and enabled me to get support.

diddlediddle · 29/01/2021 17:51

Yes, it absolutely sounds like you could have an autism spectrum condition. You have thought about this carefully and I would not be fobbed off by anyone. At the very least it is worth you having a proper assessment and ruling it in or out. Definitely go private if you can afford it. Good luck in getting some answers.

diddlediddle · 29/01/2021 17:53

PS look for someone who is experienced in assessing adult women. If you PM me I can recommend someone.

JKW36 · 29/01/2021 18:06

OP I am exactly the same as you in every way. What you have written describes me to a tea. I've been wondering this recently about myself too. But I didn't have any of these traits when I was a child or a teenager. I was confident, sociable, never ever felt out of place, and no one ever said anything to my parents.
It's only really since I turned 20 I seemed to change drastically. I don't know what this means

Lonelyflower80 · 29/01/2021 18:31

I can relate to nearly everything you've described. I always thought I was just introverted, socially anxious and had low self esteem and possibly even depression.

Do you mind me asking, Do you have any friends?

I ask as I dont have many and, the few I do count as friends, are not close. I ask as I wonder if loneliness and lack of friends contributes to my behaviour.

Spanglebangle · 29/01/2021 18:35

I was not offended by your use of Asperger's. Just wanted you to have the correct word in order to find the most up to date information.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Regardless of diagnosis there are strategies and coping methods available online. Have a good look round. Try and identify things that will help you cope in difficult situations. Maybe try a sensory item like a fidget cube. Look up masking and see if you think you do that. If you try to stop masking you may find you are less tired and need less breaks from people.

MoodyMarshall · 29/01/2021 18:39

Actually OP, the clinical psychologist who diagnosed DS1 with Level 1 autism said Asperger's was a good shorthand to help people understand. It's autism without learning difficulties.

Good luck should you decide to press ahead Thanks

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