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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I have undiagnosed aspergers at age 34?

43 replies

OtterAtTheZoo · 29/01/2021 15:53

Posting for traffic/ not sure where to post. Sorry it's a long one.

I think I have undiagnosed aspergers because I love solitude, peace, and quiet and due to my bad communication skills. I feel extreme relief when I don't have to go anywhere, talk to anyone outside my immediate family, answer calls, or leave the house. I have a feeling of dread about upcoming events and I need to mentally prepare for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments, often days before a scheduled event. I require down time/ alone time after due to a kind of social overload. Being with a group is worse than one on one. So for example Christmas staying at the inlaws (not this Christmas due to covid) for a few days with them being loud and playing party word games is very very tirying and stressful for me. While there I need (more of a need that a want) to go to a quiet room alone for a bit for down time which they seem to think is rude. I dislike being in crowded places. I don't know how to do eye contact properly. It feels awkward and uncomfortable, so I will avoid if I can. I also strugge with body language (proximity of body, body stance, and posture etc) in conversation. My language skills are quite bad, like I'll talk too fast and stutter sometimes and sometimes have bad pronunciation. My facial expressions do not match the situation. People sometimes ask why do you look so anxious when I am not etc. This has been the case my entire life. I questions the actions and behaviors of my self and others and will replay old conversations in my head thinking if what I said was silly or ask why did they say that or respond like that etc. I think or wonder if people are laughing at me or making fun of me and over analyse peoples expressions, like wondering are they looking at me funnily? I feel as if missing a conversation “gene” or I'm from another planet or something, like I just don't fit in. It's feels more than just being socially anxious /shy. I will sometimes practice/rehearse what I will say to another beforehand or imaginary scenarios in my head. I can't do small chit chat, it just feels unnatural and akward. I don't know when it's my turn to talk when in a group. I hate opening presents infront of people because if you don't have the correct facial expressions and level of enthusiasm in your voice they think you don't like the gift. Also I hate being watched/ centre of attention.
I'm quite sensitive to other people’s negativity and criticism/ perceived criticism. I hate change and like a situation to be planned and and hate changes to the plan. I love routines. I really dislike unexpected visitors. I question social norms. And I sometimes neglect hygiene for time reasons. I dress for comfort and not appearance and I don't wear makeup. I dislike loud noises, mostly loud people especially when it's multiple people like a loud party game. I can't stand nightclubs due to the noise. I have a high pitched young sounding voice. I will escape into my imagination/ daydream into my imaginary worlds. Maladaptive daydreaming I think it's called.

Does this sound like it could be aspergers? Any of you have aspergers or know anyone with it and these things sound similar? Is there any point in being diagnosed now at 34 and how would I even go about that? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
user1471548941 · 29/01/2021 18:55

I could have written that, I was diagnosed at 24. I also have a lot more than that, but to be honest, I probably wouldn’t have listed it before I was diagnosed as I didn’t connect it to being autistic- things like verrrry poor executive function.

All I can tell you is that it changed my life. The whole process took a year but I pursued it because I would have spent my whole life wondering.

I grew a much greater acceptance of myself and my perceived failings. I learnt things about autism that I see as strengths and I just stopped forcing myself to try and be a different kind of person that I perceived to be more valuable to society (extroverted, social!). I was born this way and I don’t want to waste energy my whole life trying to force myself to be a different way. It’s never going to happen so I just embrace who I am. This has lead to a great increase in confidence. I limit my social interactions and build in time to rest afterwards rather than stressing that I can’t handle it. I dropped friends who weren’t supportive and the result is a small close group of friends who appreciate me as I am. I also ditched an unsupportive partner and gained a new one who loves me for me and never worries about my behaviour.

I also got support in the workplace and went from being a “new job every 3-6 months” type person to really sticking at my latest job and becoming an expert in the area and a bit of a highflyer. I would never have done this without my “reasonable adjustments”.

It’s a personal choice. Some people are happy never getting the diagnosis but I wanted to share how many doors this has opened for me.

Trinacham · 29/01/2021 19:12

Hmm, you sound more like me than you do my husband (I am neurotypical, my DH is high functioning autistic). My traits are very similar to yours and they did assess me for autism when I was 16. They decided I wasn't, but that i did have some kind of anxiety - probably social anxiety.

oddworld · 30/01/2021 13:35

I'm awaiting assessment and have a lot of similar characteristics. Have a look at aspietests.org, especially the AQ test. Not diagnostic, but if you score highly on there it would probably be worth getting assessed.

User594022452 · 30/01/2021 13:56

A lot of symptoms for female ADHD/ADD are similar to autism however it's far more common, 7% of the population vs 1-2% for autism. There is also a significant co-morbidity between autism and ADD so it could be that some symptoms are caused by one disorder rather than the other. This might be good to know if you're looking for a diagnosis because it could help with treatment or possibly medication.

Things like social anxiety, daydreaming, introversion, dislike of stimuli and executive function disorder are classical ADD features as well. ADD often presents differently in females, especially if you don't deal with physical hyperactivity. My experience of ADD is just feeling overwhelmed by life and struggling to complete things that come normally to other people. This naturally results in a lot of social anxiety and a preference for a calm & controlled environment, ideally alone.

Other hallmarks of ADD is hyperfocus (where you are so absorbed into an enjoyable task or hobby that you lose track of time), craving stimulation in the form of reading/music/driving/video games, struggling to do tasks that are important but not fun (housework, paperwork, emails, admin), staying up late for the calmness and difficulties waking up early.

OtterAtTheZoo · 01/02/2021 16:08

Sorry for the late replies and thanks for all the replies.

diddlediddle thanks

Lonelyflower80 I find it hard to make friends and keep friendships. At school it was especially difficult and I had 1 friend. At university I just tagged along with a small group of people from the lectures. I didn't talk much and they thought I was just shy. It was easier to talk if it was about the subject or a hobby or it was pizza and watching a movie at someone's house. But alot of the time people would go to nightclubs which I find too loud and crowded so I would make excuses not to go.

User594022452 thanks I'll look at ADD. Is being impulsive a sign of ADD as I tend to have the opposite and find it hard to make decisions especially on the spot and plan things ahead to much and worry if it was the correct decision alot.

OP posts:
hansgrueber · 01/02/2021 18:37

I'm 99% sure that I also have Aspergers, or whatever one is supposed to call it, at 72 I really couldn't be bothered finding out 'officially', what's the point?

MrMeSeeks · 01/02/2021 19:06

Op ask your gp to refer you. We are not medical. You do have signs of autism, but a medical professional would be best advised.
If this is something you feel would make you feel better knowing then do it, do not let anyone change your mind.

MrMeSeeks · 01/02/2021 19:06

hansgrueber
For some people it’snthe knowing that matters.

Chickenkatsu · 01/02/2021 19:22

This is pretty good:

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/b03wp5j4

Apparently Aspergers was in the DSM 4, but they took it out and replaced it with the umbrella term, autistic spectrum disorder

Ericaequites · 01/02/2021 19:23

Generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety are very common in women with high functioning autism. ASD rarely travels alone.

hansgrueber · 01/02/2021 19:32

@MrMeSeeks

hansgrueber For some people it’snthe knowing that matters.
But I really don't understand why I would want to waste public resources to have something like that confirmed.
Berni2021 · 01/02/2021 19:36

Hey Diddle Diddle 🤣. Sorry couldn’t help it! You mentioned you knew the name of a specialist that understands the different ways girls/woman with autism present. Would you mind giving me the details please? Thank you.

Tal45 · 01/02/2021 19:45

You sound exactly like me - do you have narrow interests? This is what I fell down on in assessment, that and not being odd enough. Do you have any sensory issues (not essential for diagnosis but common). My lo was diagnosed with aspergers, aspergers is still perfectly to fine to use as a word, don't let anyone tell you otherwise! It's just that now, for some reason that I don't agree with, everything has just been lumped into ASD, probably because the US did it first. What you might be though is a deep thinking introvert with social anxiety.

Tal45 · 01/02/2021 19:50

@hansgrueber a diagnosis helps you and others understand why you behave the way you do. It's not a waste of resources, unfortunately you're showing your ignorance as you don't appear to have any understanding of autism and the huge impact it has on your life.

Notnt · 01/02/2021 20:08

I have high functioning autism, GAD and panic disorder. A lot of what you said resonates with me, but a diagnosis is the only way to be sure, if that's what you want to do.

You'll find a lot of autistic people identify with you, but some will have completely different "symptoms". For example, I also stutter, panic and trip over words a lot, and find social situations very stressful. However an autistic friend of mine will talk to anyone, at length, from the moment he meets them, and go into way too much detail about himself, his interests, everything... He literally won't stop or let you get a word in.

I'm the opposite to you with criticism though, it doesn't bother me at all and I'm often too blunt without realising (I lack empathy in certain situations too, which doesn't help), so I probably come across as quite critical myself at times, even if I don't mean it.

I would say, about diagnosis, have a look into masking, if you haven't already. In a nutshell, it's imitating certain behaviours that make you appear neurotypical, to 'fit in' better. I didn't know I was doing it at first, but I know a few people who were wrongly told they don't have ASD and insisted on another assessment because, out of habit, they hid a lot of traits without realising (e.g. made a huge effort to make eye contact and suppress stimming) during assessment, and rightly or wrongly they often assume it's not ASD in those cases. Not all the time, but it does happen.

oddworld · 02/02/2021 10:49

I'm 99% sure that I also have Aspergers, or whatever one is supposed to call it, at 72 I really couldn't be bothered finding out 'officially', what's the point?

But I really don't understand why I would want to waste public resources to have something like that confirmed

Some people don't feel the need for a diagnosis. That's fine. But it's hardly a waste of public resources if others do feel that need. I'm awaiting assessment. I believe it will help my mental health if people understand that I struggle with a diagnosed condition rather than just thinking I'm being deliberately awkward and weird. I'll be able to ask for adjustments if needed. Why should it be any more of a waste of resources to diagnose a neurological disorder than a physical condition?

I'm in my 50s and also conscious that having autism confirmed on my medical records will hopefully mean that it's taken into account with any care or medical treatment I need in the future. If your experience of autism means you are happy to be treated as neurotypical in every situation, that's lucky for you. Having seen two undiagnosed autistic older relatives in hospital and care home situations, I think it would have greatly reduced their distress if they'd had an official diagnosis that had to be taken into account.

Hailtomyteeth · 02/02/2021 11:11

There are lots of tests and quizzes online, plus the actual diagnostic criteria. Do those, take them to your GP. Expect to be brushed off. If you are, ask for talking therapy and when that comes through, take the whole thing to your therapist and ask to be referred for assessment. Meanwhile, make a timeline of your life noting every characteristic and event (with specific examples) that make you think you ate autistic. Get used to the word.

MrMeSeeks · 02/02/2021 18:35

But I really don't understand why I would want to waste public resources to have something like that confirmed

It’s not a waste. It wouldn’t help YOU to have it confirmed, that’s fine, but it may help OTHERS and that is ok, it is NOT a waste of resources

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