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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First world problem - messy partner.

35 replies

Lastfreakinglegs · 29/01/2021 12:51

I know this is a first world problem. Been with my partner 10 years. Bought a house 5 years ago together. It was my dream home when we bought it. He's made it messy. He's one of these people that accumulates junk and bits and bobs. He doesn't notice dirt on his shoes. He tracks it into the carpet. He leaves bikes and tools lying around the house. Polite asking doesn't work. Anything stronger and he says I'm having the opposite effect on him. I had a vision for the house. It has so much potential. But it is looking worn and cluttered now. I could spend days sorting it and then in a week or two it would be back to square 1. I'm not perfect, but it's like he can't see how raggedy it looks. In non covid times I'd love to have dinner parties, but I'd be embarrassed to have anyone around. He's reluctant to have outside help in... I'm going mad help!

OP posts:

readingismycardio · 29/01/2021 12:54

Sorry but that would be a real deal breaker for me. I don't want a show home, but since we paid a shitload for it and then for the furniture I want it clean and mantained properly.

Get outside help.

gretagreengrapes · 29/01/2021 12:55

My partner is messy and has lots of clutter too, I understand. It's mostly bike bits. We resolved it by making sure the clutter has somewhere it specifically lives. So a box for these bits, a box for those bits. If he doesn't clear it away from other places by the 2nd suggestion I get rid of it!

We also have an absolutely no shoes in the house rule, buy him slippers or a pair of shoes for indoor use only.

Duckfeather · 29/01/2021 12:57

That’s rough - I can’t stand a load of junk and clutter. Luckily DH is the same.

Maybe a separate space for his junk? An agreed day weekly to sort out and clear? Bury him under the patio?

Original poster

Lastfreakinglegs · 29/01/2021 13:11

@Duckfeather your last suggestion is compelling.

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 29/01/2021 13:15

That does sound difficult. Do you think it's been made worse with numerous lockdowns over the last year, because there's nobody coming round so he feels even less accountable than before for keeping it presentable?

ExplodingCarrots · 29/01/2021 13:17

Do you have one room that's not really in use where you can dump all his junk and say that's your shit to sort out ? Clutter drives me nuts. I can't relax if I can see mess everywhere , I feel for you OP.

thelegohooverer · 29/01/2021 13:18

Does he clean up? In our house, it’s normal that we all pitch in after dinner and clean up, or we all spend a few minutes tidying the house. It helps the dc register the mess they create, and it might help your dh too. It doesn’t have to be a big deal; in fact the more you can make a quick tidy-up feel like a normal daily activity the better.

Can you corral his stuff a bit? We have specific spaces for things and things that stray get consistently returned. It helps to establish the space close to where they use/play with things.

LunaHeather · 29/01/2021 13:19

Why is he reluctant to get outside help? That seems the compromise?

Beamur · 29/01/2021 13:21

My DH is very similar. It's tiresome.
He has his own room for much of his gubbins but it spills everywhere. I have had to learn to compromise! Plus he will tidy when nudged. We don't argue about it.

Original poster

Lastfreakinglegs · 29/01/2021 13:23

He gets funny if I move his stuff though. Like this morning, I offered to move a load of tools from the porch (literally stacked to the roof on both sides) to a new empty metal shed he has put up in the garden. He refused as he said it was too big of a job. . I think I'm reaching my limit.

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 29/01/2021 13:26

My xh was like that. Clearing up was one of the best things about ge8rid of him.

Saz12 · 29/01/2021 13:32

OP, you need to sit down and tell him how you feel. The porch clutter would drive me insane (and Im messy). You know how he gets annoyed when you ask him to tidy or move his stuff? Point out how annoyed you feel to live in clutter and mess. It’ll annoy him to have this conversation, but the current situation annoys you. Why do his feelings take priority?

Sexnotgender · 29/01/2021 13:34

I couldn’t live like that. He’s making no effort to change in any way. He’s clearly telling you he doesn’t give a shit what you think and doesn’t care that it upsets you.

cplusername1234 · 29/01/2021 13:37

I wouldn't minimise this problem. I couldn't be with someone who left their shit all over our nice house it would drive me crazy.

As pp said - can you have separate spaces? Can he have a shed he can put all his shite in? I would find it so disrespectful if I'd asked him nicely to tidy up all his crap and he continued to leave it there.

I'd probably start stuffing things into bin bags or boxes to have them out of the way, but I'm a bit harsh about this stuff

Original poster

Lastfreakinglegs · 29/01/2021 13:49

What's happened is he's moved everything out of the garage as he's sorting that stuff out, but he's moved 80% of it into the house. Yes he says... Don't worry about my stuff, concentrate on your stuff. However my stuff is not spilling over the house . I think this is becoming a deal breaker for me. He hasn't changed in 5 years. I don't think he's going to realistically. I'm gutted. It's a gorgeous house and it's tuned to shit.

OP posts:

Sinful8 · 29/01/2021 13:52

[quote Lastfreakinglegs]@Duckfeather your last suggestion is compelling.[/quote]
Give biker tidy a google meant for motorbikes but a nice if industrial looking frame that has hangers for coats and pants and hooks for full suits shelves for helmets spaces for gloves and boots

All mesh so if wet can just drip into the tray.

Messy people seem tidier when they have spaces and systems

LunaHeather · 29/01/2021 13:53

@Lastfreakinglegs

. I think this is becoming a deal breaker for me. He hasn't changed in 5 years. I don't think he's going to realistically. I'm gutted. It's a gorgeous house and it's tuned to shit.

Why can't he sort it in the garage?

I'd honestly be saying to him that living separately is a plan.

It sounds as if there's a lot of space - garage, shed?

Sinful8 · 29/01/2021 13:53

@Lastfreakinglegs

. I think this is becoming a deal breaker for me. He hasn't changed in 5 years. I don't think he's going to realistically. I'm gutted. It's a gorgeous house and it's tuned to shit.

Tag stuff with a date, if its not used say 3 months since you put the date on it in the bin/charity shop it goes.

ProfessorInkling · 29/01/2021 13:54

"Anything stronger and he says I'm having the opposite effect on him."

What do you mean by this OP? My interpretation is - if you say 'enough of your mess would you please move your dirty tools' he thinks 'fuck that, I'm not being told what to do'...?

You say your house is 'turned to shit' by him, other than tools in the porch and a dirty carpet what is he actually doing

Original poster

Lastfreakinglegs · 29/01/2021 14:01

@ProfessorInkling just bits of tat everywhere. Junk all around the garden. Unmowed lawns.

OP posts:

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 29/01/2021 14:03

Well what's his solution? It seems like all he is telling you is what you can't do. Having bike parts everywhere and treading dirt through the house is not acceptable to most people. At the moment he is saying -
You can't move his stuff
You can't get a cleaner as they might move his stuff
You can't ask him to move his stuff because that makes him not want to move his stuff (even though staying silent also makes him not want to move his stuff).

Honestly people are different and I can live with a bit of mess as long as the other person recognises that it's a compromise and does their share of compromising eg confines it to a certain area, does clean up to a certain degree, and doesn't damage property like carpets etc.

I dont think I could like with your husband, not because of the mess but because of his complete refusal to engage or compromise in any way. He is refusing to agree to any options and all thats left is you being forced to live with the mess and do all the cleaning up that you're allowed to touch. Hes basically saying he likes the clutter so tough shit, its staying, and if you arent happy with messy carpets then not his problem, clean them yourself. But he isnt even man enough to admit that's what he means, he is just forcing you down that route by vetoing every other option and then accusing you of nagging and having the opposite effect when you want to have a reasonable discussion about it. And to me that's not a sign of a healthy relationship

peak2021 · 29/01/2021 14:20

You were with him for five years before buying the house and did not find this out? Was he living at his parental home before then?

OhioOhioOhio · 29/01/2021 14:42

He's using his inability to organise his possessions as a way of controlling you and bringing you down.

LannieDuck · 29/01/2021 14:54

He's reluctant to have outside help in

It's not fair of him to refuse to tidy/clean, which is essentially him saying "you have to do it"... and then tell you that you can't get outside help. That's completely unreasonable of him.

Goodebe · 29/01/2021 15:08

Absolutely agree with PP who said he needs a room for his own junk, this is the only way I stay sane... I gather up and chuck all random bits that spill over in to his space to deal with.

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