First world problem - messy partner.

[Lastfreakinglegs]

I know this is a first world problem. Been with my partner 10 years. Bought a house 5 years ago together. It was my dream home when we bought it. He's made it messy. He's one of these people that accumulates junk and bits and bobs. He doesn't notice dirt on his shoes. He tracks it into the carpet. He leaves bikes and tools lying around the house. Polite asking doesn't work. Anything stronger and he says I'm having the opposite effect on him. I had a vision for the house. It has so much potential. But it is looking worn and cluttered now. I could spend days sorting it and then in a week or two it would be back to square 1. I'm not perfect, but it's like he can't see how raggedy it looks. In non covid times I'd love to have dinner parties, but I'd be embarrassed to have anyone around. He's reluctant to have outside help in... I'm going mad help!

That sounds depressing... I'd start by making sure he knows exactly how much this bothers you. (You aren't willing to go on this way, it's poisoning your relationship, etc.) And then lay out his options, whatever they are. He can choose, but if he refuses to act promptly, then you will, whether that means bringing in outside help (he can lump it!) or implementing a new storage system of your own choosing (i.e. all his crap goes somewhere where you won't have to see it or trip over it every day).

The rule in this house is that if its left out, I put it away in any random cupboard or draw. Or in the loft. DH does then complain when he finds something that he's been looking for it (has never mention it) and I've "hidden it" he's swiftly reminded that I dont go looking through his stuff for things to hide. For something to be in the loft it has to have been left on the floor/dining table/kitchen counter for a long time with repeated requests to move it before I've had to put it away, it then gets left in a halfway place like the windowsill for a long long time before it graduates to the loft. If he wants to know where things are then he's welcome to put them away somewhere safe and they'll stay there. In the meantime, anything left out will be "hidden."
I do this with his clothes too. He uses the floor as storage space, some stuff wants washing, some doesn't, I bought a basket specifically for his stuff he dumps on the floor. It all gets put in there and not washed. If he wants his clothes washing he can put them in the washing basket, anything left on the floor will not be washed but also isn't staying on the floor.

His mum always jokes about when he was a teenager and he was the same then, would take things apart on the floor and just leave them there and she'd have to clean round it for weeks

I am extremely messy and it used to drive previous partners mad.

My current partner I care enough for to actually make an effort and I am tidier....... it’s all down to motivation......,

My DH is the same OP and it was driving me absolutely crazy. I just took it all on myself and chucked any junk out, l put his stuff that I was not sure about in a box then I literally stood watching him whilst he sorts through it. It’s infantile, it’s not attractive but the house isn’t cluttered anymore. If he leaves things lying around I pick them up and dump them on the floor of his shed. If he can’t find something I tell him “you probably left them out and I’ve ‘tidied’ it away”. He’s gradually getting the idea that the house is much nicer to be in without crap everywhere and he has started tidying his own work space and yard too (he would NEVER have done that a few years ago). I had to sort it myself because it was affecting me so much, I couldn’t sleep because I knew there was mess everywhere. I sorted every last cupboard & drawer. I still have a quick sort out periodically to keep on top of things but it takes no time at all now I’m on top of it. It probably wasn’t the answer you wanted to hear! I am ruthless with his clutter though, I will not let it get bad again! And if you need outside help then please just invest for your own well-being.

I'd just move his crap and if that upsets him then point out it shouldn't be left there in the first place and that you've asked him to move it already.

With stubborn bits like that with my OH I tell him that next time I find XYZ I'll bin it or next time I find a wet towel on the floor it's going on his dirty pillow. Miraculously he stops doing those things...

Have you been honest with him about how you're not willing to live like this? If you're serious about that, I'd:

• Bring it up again at a neutral time over the weekend, on a walk where there are no distractions
• Ask how he envisaged the house being when you bought it
• Say that you don't want to live in a magazine but the current situation is hugely stressful to you and you can't see yourself living like this long-term
• If he's reasonable about the above (i.e. doesn't get defensive/argumentative) I'd ask to carve out a few days where stuff gets sorted and given a home
• The ongoing agreement is that stuff gets put away after it's used. If it isn't, I'd dump it somewhere inconvenient to him each day (at his desk/pillow/wherever is annoying)
• If he's a dick about it and refuses to engage or find a solution, then perhaps it is time to consider what you want to do. You shouldn't threaten to leave unless you really mean it, but I do wonder if he realises how serious you are

That would really upset me. I'm not that house proud but I would really hate to live somewhere like that. I'd feel massively disrespected, too.

Do you have children together? If not, I'd want to get my own place.

Sorry I can't live with people like that, I'd rather be on my own and his flippant answer to your requests, refusing outside help and saying you make him worse with your complaints is a way of saying I don't respect you, clean up after me and do as you are told. Fuck that.

You've got a hoarder on your hands, and he is not going to change.

I had a gf who was messy before I moved in with her. We went through a decluttering cleaning decorating process in preparation for me moving as I stated I couldn't love in chaos. She did throw me a somewhat alarmed look when I made my statement. I moved in. She continued in her normal messy chaotic way. I tried to clean and tidy after her. In the end we split up as I couldn't live in chaos.