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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be frustrated with DH for wanting to move?

80 replies

Frenchymom · 29/01/2021 08:54

AIBU for not wanting to move whilst pregnant or with a new born? We have a lovely home that we have finally finished renovating and we cannot afford to move up the ladder, only across or down.
I’m 16 weeks pregnant with our first child and DH is having the estate agent round this weekend to take pictures. We remortgaged last year and instead of paying the things we told the mortgage advisor we’d pay off, DH decided to buy his siblings a house which I was fine with. But now he wants to move to a cheaper house that is a full renovation project and also wants us to live there whilst I’m either heavily pregnant or with a brand new baby.
Oh and the house he wants isn’t even on the market yet so he is doing this for a home that the estate agent mentioned may come in due to probate but the woman is still alive!
AIBU for just wanting to stay in this house until I go back to work after baby?

OP posts:
Newfor2021 · 29/01/2021 09:36

Please can he come and finish my renovation project?! Grin

In all seriousness, if this is your first he probably has no idea how tough it’s going to be and has taken any of that into consideration. Firm words are needed!

Annasgirl · 29/01/2021 09:39

@Butchyrestingface

DH decided to buy his siblings a house which I was fine with.

**

Yes same here. There was no point after this 🙄
Dowser · 29/01/2021 09:41

Definitely not
No
You ,are your nest for your baby
Not build it when it’s here.
Tell him to look at nature and see which birds build nests around their eggs!
Can’t be doing with thoughtless , selfish men

Dowser · 29/01/2021 09:41

You make your nest for your baby ..doh

Englishgirl9 · 29/01/2021 09:44

I've literally just lived my maternity leave in a house we were renovating. It was at the later stages by the time we moved in with baby so just needed decorating, tiling, furnishing but even that was pretty hellish to navigate whilst looking after a new baby.

I would say absolutely no to moving with a new baby in to a building that needs a full reno. The dust gets in and on everything and isn't very safe for a baby's little lungs to be breathing in all day. You'll be so exhausted from sleepless nights, getting the motivation to spend your evenings/weekends painting and doing DIY will be near impossible. I would not recommend it!

CakeRequired · 29/01/2021 09:55

He remortgaged your house, to use the money to pay for things and that's what he told the bank. Instead he gave the money to his siblings so they can buy their own house, and you're completely fine with that? Confused

If you're not passive, I don't know what is. I'd have gone mental at my partner if he did shit like that, even if he asked me I'd tell him under no circumstances does that money get used for anything else.

Remain passive and let your husband get you into money troubles. You're clearly not going to do anything about it, so why bother asking us? Continue on your merry way and once you realise what is happening and need proper advice to get out of your debt, come back and ask. This thread is just pointless.

willowmelangell · 29/01/2021 09:56

How is baby supposed to sleep and you rest and recover in a building site? Utter madness.

FayK · 29/01/2021 10:02

It sounds like your DH has time on his hands and is looking to the future. I agree it wouldn’t be ideal time to move but in reality it sounds like it would be months (years!) before this would even happen especially if the owner of the house he wants is still alive! You sound pretty together and strong so personally I would make my objection but also let him have his dream. There is no harm in researching and getting a valuation for your current home. Sounds like he is just getting his ducks in a row so that if/when the opportunity arises you are in a strong position if that’s what you both decide to do.

Godimabitch · 29/01/2021 10:03

That would be a big fat no from me. How has he just unilaterally decided this. Is the house in his name only? He's just bored, it's an insane idea.

SushiSoozie · 29/01/2021 10:05

Im anything but passive but thank you for the concern

Yet you have an estate agent coming at the weekend to take pictures to sell your house that you don't want to sell.
That's the definition of passive.

luckymagnoliatree · 29/01/2021 10:23

YANBU, your husband seems to be totally clueless as to what life is like with a newborn!

We ended up moving at Christmas time with a 6wk old and a 2 year old, the plan was to move well before 2nd DS arrived however we had loads of holdups due to the sellers of the house we were purchasing, so the purchase took nearly a year to complete and I was super stressed during the entire pregnancy! Didn't get to do the nice prep things before he arrived of getting a nursery ready (not essential obv as he was in with us anyway but it's just a lovely thing to do and I think even more so first time around). I think the stresses of the house sale, move and extra pressures on us as a couple meant I didn't really get to enjoy the pregnancy as much and really bond with him as much before he arrived. We didn't move into a house that needed completely gutting and re-doing like your DH is suggesting, I think you would be utterly mad to do that, although I know people do!

If I were you in your shoes I would put my foot down and stay put until little one is older. Having a newborn is hard work and naturally adds extra stresses and strains to your relationship as you are sleep deprived etc, adding living in a building site on top of that would be my worst nightmare.

Also with your DH being furloughed you will probably struggle to get a new/re-mortgage at the moment.

littlemissdirectional · 29/01/2021 10:38

The house your DH wants to buy is not actually for sale because the owner is still alive? How do either you, your DH or even the estate agent know the owner will die whilst you are actually pregnant or on mat leave? Surely, until the house is actually on the market, this is really a non issue? By the time the owner dies and probate goes through your DC could be at school.

Or does your DH just want to move.

Rockbird · 29/01/2021 10:41

Did everyone miss the bit where he's waiting for probate on a house where the owner is alive?

Ikora · 29/01/2021 10:52

You need to say no because that’s what you want currently and it will be miserable with a baby. You are being passive.

Beware his itchy renovation feet. My friend has a long term partner like this. They have been together about 23 years and have dc. He is a builder and gets bored. They are now in yet another of his projects. It does have the potential to be the sort of house that would feature looking at the plans for that Ch 4 programme about amazing rebuilds but she has now lived in a building site for years.

Chloemol · 29/01/2021 11:01

No is a complete answer and that is what I would be saying

If he wants a project he can go help his siblings

FelicityPike · 29/01/2021 11:13

He’s insane and you’re a doormat for letting him....let alone buying his sibling a house!

Namenic · 29/01/2021 11:22

Big renovation makes it really dusty (it gets everywhere). We had to move out to in laws with the kids coz too dusty. I’d consider living with it with no kids, but it is a big pain with them... external work is ok, but once you knock through, it’s quite hard.

Lolapusht · 29/01/2021 11:57

So, he wants to sell your home that you have just finished renovating?What was the plan when you started? Buy it, do it up, sell it, get somewhere else? Or were you going to be there for a few years? He can’t just unilaterally decide that you’re all moving especially you are the one who is pregnant and will be looking after a newborn (he won’t be able to do his share of care because he’ll be spending all his time renovating so you and the baby have a single room to hide in. See how that’s going to go?!). There is no reason why he can’t wait for a year until the baby is about a year old before you move. The first year will fly by anyway.

All of that is completely ignoring the fact that the house he wants to buy is owned by someone who is still alive. WTAF?! Why on EARTH is he marketing your house now? The EA can do one for now. There is NO NEED for them to come measure up your property because you’re not selling until someone dies (which is lovely in itself). How long is this person going to live for?! How’s their health? What does their will say? Who gets the house? Will it definitely be sold or will one of the beneficiaries move into it? I have never heard of such an utterly ridiculous idea and that’s without the you being pregnant/having a newborn thing.

When you remortgaged and he gave your money to his family, did they sign a loan agreement with you? If they don’t repay the money (how much was it btw?) then you risk losing your house as the remortgage funds are secured against your house. How much additional money did you get and what was it for? Do those debts still exist and what is your DH’s plan for repaying them because he’s now effectively double the debt by giving your funds to his family. Another small but vital point is did his relatives get a mortgage to buy their dream house? If they did, their lender would have insisted on some form of document that stated the money was a gift and was not to be repaid. You would probably have had to sign it. If that money was a loan, then someone has committed mortgage fraud. So, you’re either looking at not getting the money back or someone’s committed fraud. And then he wants you to move when you don’t. As you’re married then you will probably need to sign all the paperwork. Do not sign anything if you don’t want to sell your house and move.

SeaToSki · 29/01/2021 12:13

Find him a project ... can he help his siblings renovate the house he helped them buy? Does his parents house need work? Dont move, its really not fun living in one room in a building site with a baby, you are constantly dusty (and therefore cleaning extra), loosing water, lights, heat and you need to sleep in the day to catch up from having disturbed nights, with a renovation going on, how are you going to nap? I did it and wouldnt ever again.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 29/01/2021 12:21

@Frenchymom

Im anything but passive but thank you for the concern. When we originally bought the house he put more money in than I did which is what he has drawn down on to help his siblings. I’m not being financially abused. I earn my own money and contribute 50% and no more. This thread is about my annoying DH who is itching for another renovation project and I would rather wait until I have had my baby and gone back to work/ put baby in nursery so we are not at him all the time.
Hes got a new project coming up....a new baby. Tell him to put his energy into that and stop being a selfish dick. Just say it's not happening. Interesting that you say "I would rather wait until I've had MY baby".
billy1966 · 29/01/2021 12:23

Having an estate agent coming to measure up your house when you don't wish to sell is the definition of passive🙄🤣.....

On what planet does this happen on.

So your husband remortgaged and took his equity out of the house on a false premise?

Who does that?
It's dishonest.

He hands the money over to his siblings.

Yea...very passive.....but if that's all ok with you.
Good luck.

OhioOhioOhio · 29/01/2021 12:25

Holy shit. You won't he fine for money if you carry on like that.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 29/01/2021 12:25

[quote Frenchymom]@MsTSwift this is what I’m anxious about. I know it’s a great opportunity as will be a fantastic home but I just want to wait ha.[/quote]
Well you might need to wait since the owner of the house isn't even dead yet Confused

OhioOhioOhio · 29/01/2021 12:32

If you are millionaires and recouping that kind of money is a couple gigs at Wembley or something then carry on. But. If you are normal like most of us you are setting yourself up for being skint forever.

LannieDuck · 29/01/2021 13:13

Does he anticipate that you'll be looking after the baby so he'll have loads of time to do the renovation work?

I think you need a conversation asap about expectations of him and childcare if he's still on furlough (see also: housework).

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