Screen time - I'm failing DS

[JacktomyDaniel]

Help please.
DS 6 has a tablet for school work and leisure. We know what's on it, who is playing and in games have all chat features locked. He loves strategy games and we have nothing inappropriate on it. Never have and never will.
In this recent lockdown he's really struggling. Usually M-Th no tablet but can have after school Fri and 2 hours sat and Sun. We relaxed this (given I'm teaching from home, dh is at work and I have a toddler and his home learning to do) and he just can't cope. He wants it all the time. Is breaking his heart but can't cope. He's genuinely addicted. We've tried having set timescales, only playing certain games, earning time by having to do chores but the end result is always a fight to come off (even with clear warnings and a timer) and horrendous meltdowns.
I know we're failing him. Do I just take it completely. Do I go back to weekends only? In this day and age and the current climate there's so little he can do independently that it feels cruel. However I know deep down he isn't coping.
Any advice is welcome.
Ps. I am very firm with him but reasonable. Won't scream and shout back. Will calm him first, then explain but I never back down or give in.
So yeah.... Advice please?

Weekends only apart from school work, and then with time limits.

He's probably bored out of his mind stuck at home. Is he getting to chat to his friends everyday on zoom or anything? Is he getting enough fresh air and exercise?

Dds screen time went up when there was no school and nothing else to do and will come down when she is back at school and can play in parks again.

You're not failing, make sure his posture is OK and he has breaks to rest his eyes.

Maybe look at educational games and apps for him to play instead and other activities off it.

Really what can you do? No day trips, no soft play, no play dates, no park, no school, no trips to the toy shop etc etc... You're not failing him.

There's a group on Facebook called Family lock down tips and ideas. Lots of off screen activities there but honestly don't beat yourself up about it. The huge majority of kids are using screens more. It's not normal times

It’s really difficult.

Is he not able to understand that if he doesn’t come off nicely when it’s been agreed/timer goes off and he’s finished his section or whatever... that he won’t be allowed to go on the next day?

It's v hard at the moment with so little to do but please do this and ride out the storm if you can. My DS is 11 and similar and it feels much harder as its not so easy to find other things than at 6, who might be more easily distracted. Ex and I gave up too easily in trying to get him into other things. We both worked ft and it was just easier but I hugely regret it now. Dd is totally different and finds hours of non screen entertainment herself. Kinetic sand, duplo, ten pin bowling set, hot wheels tracks, even building blocks, remote control car, tippy maze with the ball that rolls along, colouring books on a theme of one of his shows?

Sorry, meant to say as well, don't feel guilty.. This is a really difficult time and everyone is just surviving.

Tbf between school work and exercise I don’t really limit it. It’s about getting the balance right. If he’s exercising, eating well and getting school work done then I really wouldn’t be stressing yourself out so much during lockdown.

I don't know. You're not alone. I feel I'm massively failing my two DC, aged 2 and 5. The 5 year old would be on his tablet or Wii/Xbox all day if I let him. The 2 year old has screens a lot but she also potters about playing all day.

They both have to have masses of screen time otherwise DH and I simply cannot work, we are not eligible for furlough or for childcare and in Scotland you need to both be key workers - I'm one but DH is not. I feel like I'm failing both so much. it's not what I wanted for them or how I envisaged their childhoods.

The only things we've had success with is:

• ensuring educational content - maths, letters games etc all make me feel slightly less guilty. I sit him next to me at the kitchen table and interact where I can whilst typing away on my laptop.

• strict rules about privileges. DS(5) is allowed half an hour of gaming (we set a timer) with his dad in the evenings when I'm putting the 2yo to bed. This is his privilege and is used to help him during the day to focus on getting a reward that night.

• His favourite things are the Xbox and YouTube and we keep both strictly for the weekends. M-F he has TV, his tablet and the Wii (dancing and sport games).

He pushes against these boundaries but actually he seems to relish the rules being in place and it gives us a bit of breathing space/structure.

I do sympathise so much. My heart breaks for my DS - for the short time in the autumn when he was back at preschool and classes etc, it felt like I'd got my lovely clever engaging boy back. Now I'm back to keeping them both quiet for as long as possible in order not to fuck up our jobs. I hate this.

You're not faking him. In the usual way you have strict limits in place. It's a really tough and demanding time. He meanwhile has all sorts going on inside that he can't name or understand and the screen is his comfort. He's not yet able to self regulate so he blows up. He's very young yet but what works here is to sit down at a good time, snuggled in bed at might say, and ask him for his input, you can't go on as is, you don't want the screen to be something that causes this huge upset, what does he think would work to stick to agreed times? Meanwhile you can show him you understand it's very hard at the moment and point out he has been given extra time. Ask him what would he like you to do to help him at the time. Listen to suggestions, make some and come up with a plan. We found a timer on screen helped so it wasn't me turning it off. I also allow a min or two if something needs to be finished, as it's often that cutting off that is difficult. In the end going back to weekends only might be kinder to him but worth trying to see if you can work it out. And please don't punish the meltdown.

Tough one. Ideally you need to go cold turkey but now is a tricky time to do that. Can you set a daily limit on the device itself? Can you try a weekend break completely? Would simpler rules work like only after 3pm? Or just leave him to it for the six weeks and deal with it then.

Over the years we have had this with various degrees with all of our 4. when it gets this bad we normally find a 2-weeks screen break resets them. We did do it in the middle of the last Lockdown to one of the teens (popular we were not, but it worked his behaviour improved, he found other things to do and was much happier). others will say but it's really hard at the moment, but a 6-year old should be able to self entertain quite easily and that house with toys etc. Cruel to be kind.

In half term pretend it is broken and see how he fares.

Thank you all for being so kind. He's a lovely, kind hearted, polite boy and it breaks my heart to see him like this. He was recently in hospital for a week in bed and nothing else to do so that started it all. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone.
We do give warnings and allow games to finish. We also try a technique we read about where we sit next to him and discuss what the game is doing for a couple of mins before asking him to come off. Apparently this helps ease the transition from game world back to reality. They do work sometimes but I'm finding more and more often it's a fight. He has all the toys he could ever want and loves art which he has free access to but everything is done at warp speed to get back on to the tablet. I have such a dilemma between cruel to be kind and weekends only or accepting life is horrid for everyone just now and leaving him be.
He does understand if he can't come off it within the expected time frame or without a fuss then it gets removed. He gets very upset but then accepts it but it doesn't make any difference the next time he gets it! Same process every day!

My prediction would be that we/humans, will live an increasingly larger proportion of our lives virtually in not too distant future.
Have good parental controls in place and give DC lots and lots of one-on-one time, in short bursts when work etc. allows, peppered with cuddles and kisses, and stop feeling guilty. You are a great parent!

I'd maybe swap it round and have no screen time at the weekend when you have time to play with him. Small children find it really hard to entertain themselves all day, so many are having more screen time than usual

At 6 won't he play with toys independently?

My nephews of that age all spend a lot of time doing lego, build it, magformers, polydron, they are still happily playing with the brio sets too. My 7 yr old nephew has a remote control car and builds courses to drive it round the house with ramps etc!

Honestly though I wouldnt give a child that age a tablet of their own. Its too addictive. They can borrow a parents tablet for odd things or for home school, they dont need their own. My oldest niece is 11 and has not got her own. The only screen device she has got is a Nintendo switch which she only got age 10.

I take them away when they start having an impact on attitude. I found two amazon fire’s in a cupboard at the weekend that I’d put away for safekeeping and forgotten about - literally the same day both children tried to sneak them upstairs so they could use them in bed . They’re 12 they should know better!

Anyway, then got taken away again.

"He was recently in hospital for a week in bed and nothing else to do so that started it all"

I think this is the root of the problem. Of course he has other things he could do. Reading, drawing, lego, art, listening to music...

At that age, I would just go cold turkey and get rid of it. It's not like with teenagers or older children where you could argue that there's a lot of peer pressure or whatever.

Can you set up the timer? My tablet has a timer that I set up and it will switch off after that time.

What toys does he play with? Is he not interested in them? My son is nearly 14 and we have difficulty with time limits but that is because he doesn't play with toys anymore. He does read books and play his guitar. You want them to be playing with toys at 6 as things will be pretty bad if then boundaries are already reached before the teenage years!

I think you should remove it completely for a month, even at weekends. If he needs it for the school, eliminate all the app and but the block on installing them without a code. Add a block on YouTube, Netflix and whatever websites he uses and make it something just for school not for leisure, playing, reading or singing.
Devices are made to hook you and the games or videos are so attractive they captivate your will. They are so entertaining that nothing can compare with them. They kill creativity and a child is lost without them and doesn’t know what to do. Nothing is as good as whatever app or videos can offer.
Reducing the exposure isn’t a good idea, because every mêlent will just build e expectation of finally being able to use it and the limited amount of time imposed will be very distressing.
He is 6, way too young to have the maturity for an iPad.
Remove all the fin if you can’t give him an old computer for school and be strong for a month. Buy books, à box of 200 kapla , 2 packets of toy soldiers, a set of new toy cars, and let him go back to basics

@AnnB30

Tbf between school work and exercise I don’t really limit it. It’s about getting the balance right. If he’s exercising, eating well and getting school work done then I really wouldn’t be stressing yourself out so much during lockdown.

I agree. They can't go anywhere or see anyone, and it's winter so being outside isn't exactly enjoyable at the moment. I just let them have their tablets when school work and fresh air has been done. Let them have SOMETHING fun going on in their lives.

Screen time is not the hill I want to die on. Never has been. I find with my 2 that they will naturally get bored of the tablets and find something else to do on their own after a bit anyway at which point I put the tablets away again while they're busy.

I am at pp suggesting cold turkey. How is op supposed to do that when she and dH wfh?

Don’t beat yourself up op. These are not normal times. Do what you have to do to get through. Less screen time on weekends if you can, and soon they will be back at school and it will be summer. This too shall pass

I agree - cold turkey is all well and good in normal times, but stuck at home 12 waking hours a day with parents working minimum 8 of those hours? Not possible.

It's horrible at the moment. Absolutely horrible. I'm just trying to get through it for another couple of months. We can try to redress the balance then.