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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Screen time - I'm failing DS

46 replies

JacktomyDaniel · 29/01/2021 07:35

Help please.
DS 6 has a tablet for school work and leisure. We know what's on it, who is playing and in games have all chat features locked. He loves strategy games and we have nothing inappropriate on it. Never have and never will.
In this recent lockdown he's really struggling. Usually M-Th no tablet but can have after school Fri and 2 hours sat and Sun. We relaxed this (given I'm teaching from home, dh is at work and I have a toddler and his home learning to do) and he just can't cope. He wants it all the time. Is breaking his heart but can't cope. He's genuinely addicted. We've tried having set timescales, only playing certain games, earning time by having to do chores but the end result is always a fight to come off (even with clear warnings and a timer) and horrendous meltdowns.
I know we're failing him. Do I just take it completely. Do I go back to weekends only? In this day and age and the current climate there's so little he can do independently that it feels cruel. However I know deep down he isn't coping.
Any advice is welcome.
Ps. I am very firm with him but reasonable. Won't scream and shout back. Will calm him first, then explain but I never back down or give in.
So yeah.... Advice please?

OP posts:

Cornetttttto · 30/01/2021 08:32

Do you have enough money to be able to sit with him and discuss a special toy or two that he wants to play with? Eg lego or the like? Screen time needs to be replaced with a meaningful activity to break the addiction. I also second outdoor time. Also, he's 6 - let him get bored! He might surprise you with what he does.

Cornetttttto · 30/01/2021 08:35

I would possibly question what leisure activities a child needs on a tablet, but I'm probably just a fuddy duddy.

WhatsYourNameMan · 30/01/2021 08:47

Let them get bored? I am WORKING. I am a lawyer so often in calls or even in court. Bored children (I have 2, aged 2 and 5) plus court appearance doesn't really work out all that well.

There are hundreds of apps and games that have an educational aspect - maths, phonics, strategy, but even if they don't, they offer fun and enjoyment.

I am all for Lego and building dens and mud kitchens and ceramic painting, but now is not a time where that is possible. Parents feel absolutely shit about everything as it is. For many, screens are a survival tool. It's not what I'd choose but we don't have a choice at the moment.

GloGirl · 30/01/2021 08:53

We set a timer. And a 5 minute before that warning timer, and we sit with him for the remaining 3 or 4 minutes which HUGELY helps to turn it off without fuss.

We are really struggling with screentime to this too. I echo above - what can we do when our kids lives are so restricted outside of the home?

To stop him getting so absorbed in the tablet, try a fruit snack, ice to crunch. 5 min breaks etc.

Cornetttttto · 30/01/2021 08:56

Is he able to play independently for up to 15 mins?

Cormoran · 30/01/2021 09:05

Screens are not created equal and hand held devices with interactive apps are worse for children. So if in lockdown, you need a screen, the good tv is better for them. A show /dvd will have a beginning and an end, without overlapping in the next episode our season.
If agitates kids as well.

Minky37 · 30/01/2021 09:13

It’s very tough at the moment and I would say that now is not the time to go cold turkey and remove. I think you need to keep going with the boundaries and he needs to accept it better?
Maybe a timetable with tablet time planned in, also exercise, tv, art, reading. When it’s not tablet time remove from him and you keep it somewhere else, so it’s physically gone?

CottonSock · 30/01/2021 09:19

Can you just put non addictive and educational games on it? My kids love reading eggs for example. No way there will ever be let near things like fortnite, I've seen the fall out from this in our extended family. My daughter got a bit obsessed with minecraft education edition for a while so we put it away for a bit. Now she plays 2x a week for an hour or so without fuss. Zoom with her friends arranged 1x a week. Trips out seem to be every other day during bad weather. I try and do craft activities with them without screens.

Bagelsandbrie · 30/01/2021 09:29

Going completely against the grain here I’d just let him have it as much as he wants until the novelty wears off. Make sure he gets out of the house for long walks etc. Both my children now aged 9 and 17 have never had their screen time restricted and both regularly just come off them of their own accord because they know they’re not rationed (as I’m typing this my 9 year old is sitting playing with his teddies on the floor). I appreciate however that not all children are the same and some can’t regulate at all. They do have a lot of screen time - my 9 year old has been on and off his iPad since he woke up at 8am and will probably be on and off it playing games etc all day but I just think at the moment with little else to do it doesn’t really matter. Lockdowns are hard for everyone and I like to go on my screens to relax so I don’t see why my children shouldn’t. They do all sorts of stuff on them - not just play games, they have the library app for books, netflix (youngest has controls obviously), Spotify music, social stuff (obviously again I monitor the little one). I think people are very anti screen on mumsnet.

CottonSock · 30/01/2021 09:30

I'm not anti screens, I'm anti addictive strategy games for a 6yo.

Screamingeels · 30/01/2021 09:30

Totally recognise this. I have a 13yo who has own laptop & phone but does lots of making, art, reading as well. And a 10yo with tablet and use of family pc who is utterly incapable of occupying himself otherwise.

We talk about screen rules a lot - he likes clear boundaries- but routinely pushes over them. In normal times we do go complete screen break to 'reset' him. Just doesn't feel feasible right now... and its also his social life, chatting to friends over roblox, fortnite and rocket league. He would 1000% rather be out playing football. He and his friends were discussing how much they missed school the other day.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2021 09:48

My DS is 6. He and every single one of his friends has a tablet, and every single one of them is spending too much time on it at the moment. It is shit, but it is happening because we are stuck at home day after day, in a wet January, in a pandemic, which has already been ongoing for a year. We are trying to cling onto our jobs and if too much screentime is the thing that allows that to happen, so be it.

Our rules are: no tablet (apart from classes and schoolwork) until after dark, and it is always on a timer which gives him warnings and then switches itself off after an hour. This is on top of TV time, I must say. He might get longer on a weekend and, looking out the window at the dreary shitty weather, that might happen today.

When the lockdown ends we'll be back out doing fun things with friends again, and I'll look at reducing screen time then.

PeggyHill · 30/01/2021 09:58

My daughter is getting too much screen time. I think under the current circumstances it's forgivable.

GreenSlide · 30/01/2021 10:38

@CottonSock

I'm not anti screens, I'm anti addictive strategy games for a 6yo.

I completely agree with this, it's really important to make this distinction. If he only has educational/boring games on his tablet he will give up a lot easier.

Something that I think also helps is if you say no screens before lunchtime for example and that's non negotiable then you half the access he has to screens. Or at least no games until then.

justanotherremainer · 30/01/2021 10:39

Pp who say their kids get no screens until after dark etc, are you working from home at same time?

I wfh but v flexible. So I do school in the mornings and work in the afternoons and evenings. Much of that time my DD is on a screen, although she often does drawing, colouring, playing etc at same time.

I do have a portion of every day, more do at weekends, for outdoor stuff, non screen time, but we will both have a far greater problem if I can’t pay the mortgage and we end up homeless.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2021 16:56

Pp who say their kids get no screens until after dark etc, are you working from home at same time?

I am, and yes it would be easier to let him on the tablet, but so far we've kept it to school stuff only in the day. Luckily the days are short at this time of year.

Having said that I've just asked to take unpaid leave for 2 months, so I'm not pretending our way works!

CherryRoulade · 30/01/2021 17:10

I think I'd stop bargaining and stop allowing the emotional blackmail. He'll get used to less screen time soon enough. I wouldn't enter into a reward and sanction system over it though.
Decide what time is reasonable; no discussion r debate and then engage his with other activities.

Goldenbear · 30/01/2021 20:06

I think regardless of covid 6 year olds usually play with toys. I didn't have to have restrictions for my teenager as he preferred playmobil and Lego for hours on end. My youngest DD is the same - her friends want to play online Roblox but she prefers to play and gets really upset if they want to play every night online as she wants to play with her toys. That said, in both cases my two at that age, my youngest still preferred toys and playing, they didn't need my input and it was/is easy if your child is naturally that way inclined. I often was prizing the Lego off my son at night to go to bed. Word of warning he is nearly 14 and we have many a conversation about when he is going to come off line.

Hankunamatata · 30/01/2021 20:09

He is being 6. Most of them throw a strop when times up. Just rinse and repeat.

Original poster

JacktomyDaniel · 31/01/2021 22:30

Sorry for the delay in returning to this and thank you all for your thoughts. Its been helpful to know I'm not alone but also to know other people's perspectives.
To the pp who said he could do other things in hospital he really couldn't. He was emergency admitted and in the midst of a covid outbreak so didn't have anything with us, weren't allowed other visitor except his dad (who brought the tablet to the car park) and no access to toys or games.
I spoke yesterday with him and said we're done for 2 weeks. He's a clever boy with all the toys he could ever want but nothing will compare to the addiction of the tablet. He knows that we're going for a clean slate. I'm hoping by the time 2 weeks is up he'll be less fixated anyway and so might be able to keep it hidden for a bit. He's accepted this well after a bit of a meltdown. I genuinely get the impression that he's a bit relieved like he needed us to take control.
I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer at the minute but I'm taking the viewpoint of if this was a food impacting his behaviour to this extent, I'd stop giving him it. Good luck to anyone else in this situation. Screw covid!!

OP posts:

TheOtherBoelynGirl · 01/02/2021 01:09

"To the pp who said he could do other things in hospital he really couldn't. He was emergency admitted and in the midst of a covid outbreak so didn't have anything with us, weren't allowed other visitor except his dad (who brought the tablet to the car park) and no access to toys or games."

It was me who said that and I think you misunderstood my meaning here. What I was trying to get at is that you framed it as his having nothing else to do in hospital because it is impossible for anything else to be done in hospital. But of course, there are many other things that were possible - of course not in those exact circumstances, but there are always other things that can be done.

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