Trying to process my husbands affair

[wickerbasketss]

Aibu to think I was in the wrong .
Long story short . I was a full
Time worker . Reared my children in my own. He was gone 7am till 8pm. Travel
And work. Not involved in the day to day house hold work or child rearing . I am a teacher . Got kids up amd
Out to childcare . Travelled 80 miles daily. Home / housework/ homework/ dinner / bedtime. He rocked home / tired / hungry/ grumpy. Didn't do Bedtime and if he did he sat on his phone beside kids. Fell onto couch/ slept / went on phone : never went to bed with me but always wanted sex . Moody and cross when he didn't get it and multiply that by five days . Weekends ... he was too tired to
Engage with kids but not to socialise . Disappeared for hours on end for basic jobs at weekend . Always had a headache until it was time to
Socialise with adults . Would not do basic diy even though he was a tradesman . Did it for everyone else though. Left without toilet / shower / lights for many months . In one bathroom. Other to use . He met a girl and took off . My fault ?? I was a nag: he could never do anything right: he was picked on. His words . AIBU . These are facts not opinions . He left and the fall out has been shattering for the know kids .

Yes, YABU. You’re not the one in the wrong.

I know you’re probably not in ‘that place’ yet - but your over-riding emotions should be massive relief that such a feckless bell-end is now some other poor dupe’s problem, and you’re well shot of him.

You should be celebrating, but again I appreciate not there yet.

and for you and your DC.

Yabu! Why do you think you’re in the wrong?

He actually sounds like a useless prick, what did he add to your life?

He's a dick dont let him blame you. Sorry you are having a hard time OP I know it is shit but you will be ok.

No not your fault. He’s a cunt.

He wasn’t just a cunt, he was neglectful and abusive. The only thing you did wrong was tolerate him for as long as you did.

You are not to blame. He's one less burden for you to carry. When he creeps back, don't have him.

You've had a lucky escape let him go and fuck.
If he comes crawling back refuse him. If it helps our DM always done the lions share as adults we have so much admiration he life was so hard juggling it all my only regret is she didn't create a life for herself her grumpy man stayed a grumpy man long after the DC went.

Its always our fault and he will tell everyone you're a nutter. You're not. Sending

There's nothing to process. He's a prick.
Leave him to it.
You are starting divorce proceedings, right?

@wickerbasketss You were pretty much single parenting as you reared the children on your own and he hardly lifted a finger...so now he can be someone else’s problem. I’m sure he’ll give his sob story to the new person, but either she’ll figure it out on her own or she won’t and he might just get his act together or try to rewrite history and start becoming a Disney Dad. But it’s not your problem.

It’s a shame that the kids have been neglected by someone who was essentially an absent father. Are they old enough to understand that it’s not their fault? Will the ex come and speak to them and explain the situation?

It might be painful right now, but it would be best to get some legal advice about how to start the divorce process. I’m assuming you’re the higher earner as you’re a teacher and he’s a tradesman, but I could be wrong, so you might need to check about pension protection etc.

You were single parenting, plus taking care of a man who didn't want to be there to parent his kids or be a husband to his wife.

He was removed from the family because he emotionally didn't want to be there.

This is a story that sadly happens, and you know what they all have in common? Its somehow twisted around to be a womans fault.
She didn't have sex with me
(but worked full time, did all the housework, all the child rearing, cooking, shopping)
She made no effort to be attractive anymore
(If only there was a 25th hour in the day!)
She nagged
(Because he does nothing unless he's hounded, all responsibility lands on her shoulders whilst he doesn't even interact with his children)

I've been a single parent, and I've been married, the only difference is having one more person to take care of if he's that useless, it sounds like all he was bringing to the table was his sexual wants and grumpy attitude.

Ofcourse, a new woman is so exciting to him!
He can ride off into the sunset with this woman who wants to have sex with him, and accepts his lack of responsibility. He's all ears now, probably jumping to help her wherever he can to impress her....for now.

Honestly, the fact that he couldn't even interact with your kids is disgusting and you are well rid.
You kept things together when he couldn't be bothered.

Clearly not your fault, I’m relieved for you that he’s gone. Make sure you get all the money you’re entitled to because that’s the only useful thing you’ll get from him, ignore the verbal abuse, just communicate about the children and move on unshackled from this loser.

Of course you’re not wrong, only mistake was putting up with that shit for as long as you did

You might want mumsnet to move this to relationships for more advice

Yanbu OP. None of this is your fault. My ex husband was like this. Grumpy, snappy, unhelpful, sometimes nasty but then suddenly would switch and want sex and wondered why the answer was usually no. I don’t want to have sex with someone when he has made me feel like shit all day. I worked full time and was knackered as I did most of the looking after our son and all of the mental load (school, house, money etc). I told him to leave after I found out about an affair. For some crazy reason I would have given him another chance but he wanted me to let them ‘just be friends’ and that was a deal breaker. I don’t think it would have worked looking back, it would have just been another thing about him that upset me but change is scary. He said he didn’t fancy her (yeah right) but she was ‘nice’ to him and it was hard to give up. I was a nag, didn’t want sex anymore etc etc.

My regret now is putting up with his shit for so long! We actually get on reasonably well now. He is helpful and respectful and I have literally no expectations from him other than he keeps regular contact with our teen (which he does). I often wonder if she is still being ‘nice’ to him after 3 years. I doubt it because he can be a moody fucker 😀

Good luck OP. You can do this. I found I now have peace in my life when before I was wound up all the time because of him. I am responsible only for myself and DS and that feels good. I still feel sad sometimes even 3 years on but DS and I are doing just fine. 💐 For you.

Don't think anyone has mentioned it yet but there is The Script that they all seem to start spouting and re write history to make it ok

Hang in there op. In time you will be cheering this. (It only took me about a month and I was skipping down the street with the realisation I was free). He is an arsehole, you did nothing wrong, you are well shot, believe me.

It’s not your fault. It’s his fault you had to nag him to even fulfill a basic functional role in the family. And the kids might be sad he’s not around but in reality what time did they spend with him anyway?

Sounds like you were both very unhappy with eachother, both with justified reasons.

Your lifestyle didn't help too many long hours and not enough quality time for eachother.

I don't see the attraction to this man? Who would want sex with a grumpy uninvolved lump? Sounds like he needs to be told. But I wouldn't trouble yourself, he sounds quite lost in his ego if he thinks he's worth your effort. It is so draining to be with someone so dull a joy sap!

Other than the potential loss of some income, what have you actually lost??

In a very short amount of time you will recognise your self worth and be fecking delighted that this useless man-child has saved you the grief of chucking him out. It's always so much harder when they don't want to go (haven't met anyone to wash their pants).

Dust yourself off. You were already doing it all yourself anyway. You've totally got this.

Well she's welcome to him.

What's that dance move called where they jump up and click their heels together out to the side ... because that's what you should be doing.

I'm not Sure about the point of the thread ? Are you Sorry he has gone ? It seems like you Lost a dead weight and you don't Have to put up with Demands for sex from a lazy Roommate . Am I missing something? You can focus On your Teaching career.

I was having a wobble last night when I post that and I really appreciate all of your posts . Sometimes I felt
Like it was my fault. I crawled out of that marriage absolutely exhausted and yes life is so much easier now but he would say it was my fault that he had an affair and left . That can really do a number on us can't they??

It doesmt really matter what he says op.

What matters is that you and your dc are better off without him and his negativity in your lives.

Yes of course it was your fault he had an affair. Quick question, did he ever, ever accept responsibility for anything he’d done wrong or was that always you fault too?

Enjoy your new life, it sounds immeasurably better.