Friends forgot funeral and bday

[Emily639]

Not sure if I’m just being over sensitive or not. But my mum died and her funeral (zoom 🙄) was last week. I told 4 of my closest friends but none of them text me on the day to say “thinking of you” or anything 😔 I get it, people are struggling with their own issues (wft/homeschooling etc). But my 2 closest friends haven’t even called me/text since her death at Christmas to see how I am. Then yesterday was my birthday and again these “2 close friends” forgot it, haven’t heard anything from them. I feel so let down. I’ve been there for them through deaths of their parents, divorce etc but when I’m going through stuff they have gone completely silent. I’m not sure what to do. AIBU?

You aren't being unreasonable at all. Thinking of you

Sorry you're having a difficult time and that your friends have let you down.

Happy Birthday for yesterday. 🥂🍾🎂

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that your friends have been far from that.

Of course YANBU.

I’m really sorry about your mum and your thoughtless friends.

I can’t imagine you did have a happy birthday but it would have been kind for friends to check in with you and see how you are.

Ahh OP I'm thinking of you too. They are probably not as good friends as you think but once this lockdown ends you can start investing in friendships with more considerate people 💐

Have they been unsupportive at other times, too?
They sound a bit crap, TBH.
Sorry for your loss.
And belated happy birthday

This is so poor form... I get sometimes people miss the day but they've had a week to remember they've forgot the funeral and a day to remember your birthday. Not good enough.
I'd be upset too.

Honestly... You need new friends.
Happy birthday and I'm really sorry for your loss

I have a similar situation. I’ve just lost someone very close and two people have sent condolences but another friend, who I have supported through some tough times, hasn’t even responded to the message I sent. I’m so upset. The birthday before last 4 of them didn’t wish me happy birthday. I felt so hurt but brushed it off as just being one of those things but obviously I’m just there to listen to all their problems and offer support but they don’t actually care about me.

So sorry for your loss
Belated birthday wishes, I’m sure it must have been a difficult day.

That’s a very poor show from your friends. Sorry for your loss.

You basically have three options.

1. Draw a line under it and continue the friendships as normal.
2. Decide the friendships no longer serve you. Begin to distance yourself, put in less effort.
3. Talk to them. I'm no good a diplomatic wording but something like "How are things with you? You didn't contact me on my mother funeral or for my birthday which is unlike you and has upset me during a difficult time. It made me think that you might have alot on your plate and need support or someone to talk to." Depends if you are prepared for potential confrontation.

Sorry this has happened to you.

Blimey, I've been going through some stuff lately and some of the people I thought of as best friends seem to have disappeared, but at this level, I think I'd have to send a PA message asking if they're OK, as you didn't hear from them on such signifiant dates

Thing is, people sometimes just don't know what to say, so end up saying nothing at all. A friend of mine once said it's better to say something, than nothing and it's so true. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry your friends don't understand that.

My dad died a couple of months ago and the occasional message even just to say hi has really made a huge difference.

Sorry you're going through this

YANBU. I’m so sorry about your Mum

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Agree with other posters, I don't think they are real friends. You're right everyone is busy, but it doesn't take any more than a couple of mins (if that even) to just send a text to let you know they're thinking of you.

I'm sorry they didn't message you about your birthday either. It's not comparable at all because I haven't recently lost my mum, but last year I received a grand total of 3 birthday cards/messages - my OH and DC, my parents and sister, and my PILs. I looked through our birthdays calendar and realised we send out around 50 birthday cards a year to family and friends. I know we are in the middle of a pandemic so I wouldn't expect someone to go out and post a card, but I connect with family and friends via whatsapp and text message...but there was no contact via those platforms at all to wish me a happy birthday or a belated birthday after the event. The most hurtful was my OH's 4 siblings. I then realised things like - I'm the one who makes contact with these people first; I'm the one who does things to keep these friendships or family relationships going, arranging meet-ups (pre-Covid) etc. Anyway my birthday last year was very much a wake up call for me.

I am very sorry for your loss.

I think that not contacting you about the funeral is quite hurtful and neglectful of them. Especially at a time when you are likely to be particularly isolated, as we all are. The only possible excuse is that they themselves are suffering severe problems (extreme financial difficulties; severe mental health problems; they themselves or a family member have been seriously ill with Covid). It may also be, I suppose, that communications have gone wrong due to some failure of technology.

The bday? That depends on how seriously they treat birthdays in general. I may be biased, because I truly can't bear to have my birthday acknowledged at all, and would find particularly distressing to be wished a happy birthday at a time when I'd just lost a family member. But I wouldn't regard that omission as seriously as their failure to support you at a time of bereavement.

If you really consider them as close friends, then I would suggest that you confront them about the subject of the funeral; something like: 'I was very sad on the day of my mother's funeral, and was hoping that you as good friends would contact me with some support. Is there any reason why you didn't contact me?' I would not bring up the bday.

I’m sorry for your loss. It is so sad and isolating when you realise that your friends aren’t there for you- the way you would be for them.
For me, the covid times have really shown my friendships in their true colours. My best friend, who I have supported through tough times, has simply not been there for me. I think the fact that I have to shield may be too boring, or maybe I was providing for them and now I’m not useful anymore. Other friends take deliberate care to check in on a regular basis, and some friends have just disappeared, despite me trying to contact. Everyone has different priorities now.

They are the worlds worst friends. You deserve better than that.

Wow that is low. I'd find it hard to forgive tbh.

Yanbu. They are very inconsiderate.
I'm sorry about your DM.
I'd be very hurt I'd fall out with them I wouldn't contact them again or have any response to their calls/texts let the penny drop.
In an ideal world they'd bend over backwards to make it up to you.

You poor thing, in your position I would leave it a few days just in case a card is in the post, and then just email/text and tell them you are disappointed that you haven't heard from them during the death of your mother or your birthday. A 'thinking of you text' is pretty much the bare minimum you'd expect for such a close bereavement.
sending you hugs OP

This is awful OP. I understand your friends will have their own issues at the moment but that isn't an excuse to forget what you're going through.
Hope you're OK

So sorry about your mum

People aren't at their best at the moment but this would make me look again at the friendship, I'd likely expect less in future and put my efforts where they were likely to be reciprocated.

YADNBU I'm so sorry about your mum and your friends not checking in with you is awful. Happy Birthday for yesterday

As SummaLuvin said you have those three options. I'd go with 1 probably. (I have just messaged an old and lovely friend to apologise for forgetting her birthday last week. I have had so much on - it just slipped my mind. I don't think less of her - I just forgot!!)

(My usual routine has gone and I struggle to keep a handle on what's happening when)

Sorry to hear about your mother though - very hard for you - and the whole COVID thing makes it so much worse.