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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go nuts at DS?

43 replies

Lavendersblue11 · 27/01/2021 18:19

I had a telephone parents evening tonight, allocated five minutes and a teacher my ds doesn't even have classes with, reading out a list of comments from each subject.... Ds is in his GCSE year.
In every single subject, bar English to which he had some quite positive comments, he has gone down significantly in his grades.
Clearly his motivation to learn online at home is not there.
I work as a nurse Monday to Friday 8:30 until about 5 (ish), I can't be at home to police his learning.I try and talk about school when I get home but there is only so much information you can extract from a 16 Yr old.
Just that really, I don't know what to do, he's bright enough, has potential, and its totally screwing up his final year.
I want to hit the roof with him, I'm so upset... Partly with him but also with the way school are not keeping me informed ie why have they only now told me this when a year ago he was on course for reasonable grades.
But whilst I'm furious, my heart is also breaking for him, im single he has very limited contact with his dad, he misses his mates desperately and is completely un motivated.
Just pants really, I know it's not really the schools fault, I don't even think it's ds fault, just don't really know how to manage it :(

OP posts:

longandwide · 27/01/2021 18:30

From age 15 I worked p/t in a local cafe - washing dishes and cleaning.

My parents wouldn't make me study or the like - they just reminded me that I might end up stuck at the cafe for life if I didn't study.

That job was all the motivation I needed. Besides, the best motivation comes from within - not from someone else.

Maybe let him make his own decisions and have him stand by them

ineedaholidaynow · 27/01/2021 18:30

Any chance he can go into school, although I assume there are very few Y11 pupils in

RuthW · 27/01/2021 18:32

He's 16. He doesn't need a babysitter. If he's not working he will have to face the consequences.

WunWun · 27/01/2021 18:33

@longandwide

From age 15 I worked p/t in a local cafe - washing dishes and cleaning.

My parents wouldn't make me study or the like - they just reminded me that I might end up stuck at the cafe for life if I didn't study.

That job was all the motivation I needed. Besides, the best motivation comes from within - not from someone else.

Maybe let him make his own decisions and have him stand by them

Good for you. And wow, that's some shit advice in this situation.

blackcat86 · 27/01/2021 18:33

Sit him down for a come to Jesus talk. He needs to realise he will not be sitting exams so his current work is what his grade is likely to be. What does he want to do with his life and what does he need to get there? He needs to motivate himself though.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 27/01/2021 18:33

Handle it with love & understanding.

GCSE's are not the end of the world. Talk about what he wants to do after this & together work out what grades he needs. He needs live & help to find some motivation, not a bollocking.

BiggerThanCheeses · 27/01/2021 18:34

That must be very frustrating. What are his plans for after GCSEs? Was he hoping to do A-levels or vocational? Can you get him an online tutor so there's someone there to make sure he does some work?

OhioOhioOhio · 27/01/2021 18:35

How do I do a Come To Jesus Talk?

Panicmode1 · 27/01/2021 18:35

Is he able to go into school? My son's secondary has some key worker children in, even in Y11, and I think it is really helping some of them to have some face to face teaching and keep motivation going.

I have a current Y12 (son) and Y11 (daughter) and it is SO hard for them to be motivated - my daughter was flying with her mocks revision (should have taken them in the two weeks after Christmas), then schools shut and exams have been cancelled, and she is really struggling - until they know what format their assessments will be in, it's SO hard for them. (I'm especially worried because all of the other local schools do their Y11 mocks before Xmas so they have some data on which to base some sort of assessment - DDs school have nothing as Y10 end of year exams were done in their bedrooms...!).

I have talked to them a lot about what they may want to do next - and encouraged them to look at university entrance requirements or apprenticeships etc - and I think knowing that they have to get half decent grades in their subjects to have any chance of progressing into the competitive areas they want, has helped to focus them a bit.

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 27/01/2021 18:35

Bloody difficult isn't it, you can't police them all the time but at that age I think the maturity to motivate themselves is the exception not the norm. One of mine studies hard but the other is a different story. Their school gets them to hand in their class work after every lesson on teams to supposedly make sure they are actually doing what they should be. My child will submit a piece of paper with 2 words on it. I know, I've been through and checked his teams. I've also checked the Internet history and he's been on YouTube etc when he should have been on a lesson. Drives me nuts. I know about brain development etc but I still want to throttle the child.

longandwide · 27/01/2021 18:37

@WunWun

Well, I'm not the only one suggesting something along the lines of self motivation.

What kind of magical/interfering tactic do you propose?

sadpapercourtesan · 27/01/2021 18:37

@longandwide that would probably backfire spectacularly.

All the teenagers I know who work LOVE their jobs at Maccies/KFC/Primark. They think they're well-paid (because they don't have bills to consider), they think they're independent (even though they're spoonfed and handheld at every turn) and they think they know bloody everything.

OP I have a 16yo similar to yours. He's as smart as paint but laid-back, unambitious and very difficult to motivate. I don't know what the answer is, but I share your worry.

longandwide · 27/01/2021 18:41

@OhioOhioOhio

How do I do a Come To Jesus Talk?

Not sure. Maybe a talk along the lines of: Buck your ideas up and learn some stuff or you will find out about the birds and the bees the hard way and you'll believe in Jesus and homeopathy all your life.

longandwide · 27/01/2021 18:43

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@longandwide that would probably backfire spectacularly.

OP I have a 16yo similar to yours. He's as smart as paint but laid-back, unambitious and very difficult to motivate. I don't know what the answer is, but I share your worry.[/quote]
I had some laughs at that job, but I knew it was hard and horrible work - so I didn't even need the foresight to think I might tire of it after 40 years - I was tired of it by the end of the day!

Also "smart as paint"? Is that even a phrase? I think Americans say "dumb as soup". Not sure why paint is a liquid at the opposite end of the IQ spectrum. But I suppose if you like to float your boat in it, fine

AStudyinPink · 27/01/2021 18:45

How are they assessing him in lockdown? Does he accept that he isn’t working?

TerribleZebra · 27/01/2021 18:47

I've got a Y11 as well but I'm working from home as its her dad and younger brother. Is your DS at home on his own? Even as an adult I'd find it incredibly hard to be motivated if I had no one else around all day. Poor kids have no idea how they are going to be tested or when they will be back with their friends. If you can get him in school as a key worker I think that might help. I'd be really annoyed school has only just let you know though. Losing your temper isn't going to solve anything. Sit him down and empathise with his situation and ask him what he thinks would help motivate him through the next few months. Can you get some revision question books and sit and do a few with him in the evening? I've done more physics in the last few months than I think I did at school! And remind him it really is only another few months to get through his Gcses.

Original poster

Lavendersblue11 · 27/01/2021 18:48

I think he'd run a mile if I gave him the 'come to Jesus' talk :) but your right, he does need to find some motivation. I know he's 16 & there is only so much you can do to push them but blimey it's frustrating. He wants to go to 6th form then hopefully uni and has a career idea. They are (in all year groups) missing out so much but it just seems so poignant to the Yr doing gcse's now. I know gcse's are not the be all and end all but when he was on track to do OK and now it's all going pear shaped I don't know how to help him. As some of you said, not all kids are designed to learn like this. I don't think I was really motivated to learn by myself until I did my degree and that was in my 30's. An online tutor might help, also going into school will at least give him some structure?

OP posts:

Lucieintheskye · 27/01/2021 18:48

There isn't much you can do other than offer him MH support if this is the reason he's struggling.

If he fails his GCSE's he'll simply have to go to college for a year to complete them, before moving on to a level 3 qualification/ apprenticeship. It is not the end of the world if he doesn't pass this year, especially considering the circumstances. Many people do better in college anyway as there are generally smaller classes. Level 3 quals in a college rather than a sixth form also generally involve an element of placement/work experience which is beneficial to those with no real life experience.

He will be fine.

Original poster

Lavendersblue11 · 27/01/2021 18:50

Longandwide. I did similar as a kid, made me realise how hard work really is. I have told him he needs to get a Pt job, except there are no jobs for anyone at the minute so even that's out the window :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Lavendersblue11 · 27/01/2021 18:53

Terriblezebra yes on his own all day, which isn't healthy for a teenager. Think my sudden rush of post parents evening anger is resolving a little now.... Preparing for the 'come to Jesus' empathy talk. I feel so sorry for them!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lavendersblue11 · 27/01/2021 18:56

Lucieinthesky I think he'd be better suited to college rather than sixth form, he wants to stay where his friends are though. I do think in view of what they've said tonight maybe he needs to be looking at college and vocational courses though.

OP posts:

MoreMorelos · 27/01/2021 18:57

My DS in Yr11 is struggling too, they aren't getting live online lessons and he's finding it hard to motivate himself. I'm home all day so am encouraging him and he is getting it done, but says he can't concentrate the same as at school. It's very hard, we can't force them, it has to come from them. I do worry for his results and getting on his college course he wants. People can say GCSEs don't matter all they want, but it does matter to them, they've worked for this for years to constantly have the goal posts moved.

longandwide · 27/01/2021 18:59

Just mentioned this thread to DP.

He said that when he was 16 and at home on his own revising for GCSEs all May, he masturbated about 6 times a day .........boys will be boys

Maybe don't ask him about that when you have this whole "Jesus" talk

LaceyBetty · 27/01/2021 19:02

@RuthW

He's 16. He doesn't need a babysitter. If he's not working he will have to face the consequences.

Really? We just wash our hands of our children at 16? Surely it's still a parent's job to guide ensure they are getting through school and meeting their potential (as much as possible given all the circumstances). This attitude is really weird to me.

Original poster

Lavendersblue11 · 27/01/2021 19:03

Moremorelos it's exactly that, they've worked hard up until this last year, it does feel that it's all for nothing. They've barely had a third of the face to face teaching time they were meant to have in normal times. They haven't been able to form a relationship with their teachers, they haven't been able to bounce off friends. I feel like he has almost written exams (assessments) off completely a they just seem Meaningless to him.

OP posts:

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