AIBU to go nuts at DS?

[Lavendersblue11]

I had a telephone parents evening tonight, allocated five minutes and a teacher my ds doesn't even have classes with, reading out a list of comments from each subject.... Ds is in his GCSE year.
In every single subject, bar English to which he had some quite positive comments, he has gone down significantly in his grades.
Clearly his motivation to learn online at home is not there.
I work as a nurse Monday to Friday 8:30 until about 5 (ish), I can't be at home to police his learning.I try and talk about school when I get home but there is only so much information you can extract from a 16 Yr old.
Just that really, I don't know what to do, he's bright enough, has potential, and its totally screwing up his final year.
I want to hit the roof with him, I'm so upset... Partly with him but also with the way school are not keeping me informed ie why have they only now told me this when a year ago he was on course for reasonable grades.
But whilst I'm furious, my heart is also breaking for him, im single he has very limited contact with his dad, he misses his mates desperately and is completely un motivated.
Just pants really, I know it's not really the schools fault, I don't even think it's ds fault, just don't really know how to manage it :(

Longandwide . Not even thinking about what he gets up to when I'm in work

I really feel for you. It's so easy to say to leave him to it and let him learn the hard way, but were it not for the circumstances he'd be in school and most likely on track to do well.

Talk to him, but I'd go in disappointed that he's not fulfilling his potential - rather than giving him a telling off. See if there are any strategies you can come up with together to help him focus or work more. Remind him that short bursts of effort with a bit of downtime in between might work well in these circumstances.

I’ve sat down with mine and looked at pay structures for various jobs. Told them what bills cost ... told them minimum wage for one hour is a McDonald’s meal. Most importantly all jobs are worthwhile but if they want holidays, clothes, phones then minimum wage isn’t going to provide everything. Ultimately I give information and leave it to them. I’ve made it clear I will treat them to stuff but will not support them. If they stay home they will pay rent(not what a flat would cost but a reasonable amount) . Real life is hard, tell it like it is.

Right with you! My y11 boy is now just about failing all subjects while I'm at work and fending off calls from school. He's not bad, just very unmotivated.

We had a chat about what's next, and I told him if he can't get into college.. well he will have to join the army as nowhere else will take him with no GCSEs 🤷🏻‍♀️

Worked a treat tbh, he is strongly against the army and has been up an hour early every day for two weeks and hasn't missed a class. 😂

@Lavendersblue11

Moremorelos it's exactly that, they've worked hard up until this last year, it does feel that it's all for nothing. They've barely had a third of the face to face teaching time they were meant to have in normal times. They haven't been able to form a relationship with their teachers, they haven't been able to bounce off friends. I feel like he has almost written exams (assessments) off completely a they just seem Meaningless to him.

My DS had a meeting online yesterday with the careers teacher who reiterated that all work currently done would be used for assessment for their final grades, I'm hoping this has sunk in a bit, as it's not just doing the work that counts, it's what they're actually putting into it

This year is really hard for the current Y11s (I have Y11 DS too). They don’t know what is going to happen with their grades, may end up having mini exams/may not. Some of what they are studying may now not be relevant, who knows. Many Y11s have lost their motivation. DS was meant to be having mocks straight after half term. Don’t know what will happen now they won’t be back in school then. Being told that every piece of work/test may be used for their GCSE grade puts huge pressure on them. They are not in school. Remote provision suits some (luckily my DS is one of them), doesn’t suit others (sounds like OP’s DS falls into this category) Also he is alone during the day. My DS is motivated but we are also in the house, if we weren’t I’m not too sure the lure of the PS may be too much for him.

Be gentle OP but chat and see if there are ways to help, even if that means being in a school

I feel for you, OP. My eldest DD went through this phase, slacked off completely on her school work started skipping lessons and had a horrible attitude with me, DH and her teachers. Every attempt to talk to her about her shitty attitude seemed to turn into WWIII and we really despaired. Her arrogance was the worst - she had her heart set on a particular career that required a degree and she seemed to thin she would just breeze through exams and onto the course and we were all just talking rubbish when we said she would fail and have no chance. Luckily, something sunk in and she turned it all around in her final year and made it to uni and her chosen course. It is a relief to see her so happy and focused on her future and if anything, she works too hard now! She looks back on her slacker period and admits she was a horror and I heard her tell my youngest, who was moaning about me getting on at her to do her homework, that she would be grateful in a few years time! :D This is probably no help to you, but I would say keep talking to him, keep taking an interest, a year can make all the difference at this age. It must be so hard for him at the moment to get motivated, both my kids are sick of the sight of their bedrooms and staring at a screen all day. If he has a career he is interested in, then stress he will have to work hard to get it. If not, then as Lollypop701 I would be pointing out exactly how hard life is and that it is getting bloody harder! A lot of jobs don't make ends meet anymore.

Sorry, what I meant by my last sentence was, I agree with PP that some teenagers think their jobs are fab and they are loaded when they are shielded by their parents from the true cost of living. My oldest still gets surprised daily by the costs of things she takes for granted! She knows how much Spotify will cost her every month but has no idea how much a pint of milk is.

It is extra hard for kids who are in years where they have significant exams or would have had. It is hard to stay motivated at home at his age but he is the one who will suffer if he doesn't. However, that is very hard to get across to a teenager in normal circumstances, let alone with all this uncertainty. I would tell him you love him, that his grades weren't great and you know he can do better, not for you but for himself. Why should he let covid-19 be the reason he mucks up his grades, struggle to get the courses he wants at college and then uni? If he has a end career goal in mind maybe look at the expected grades they would want for it at the uni of his choice, I know uni is a long while off but getting low grades will mean some courses are closed to him from the start.

It would be hard not to feel guilty in this circumstance but there is honestly only so much you can do for him. The drive to succeed has to come from within. Whilst things might seem a bit shitty and pointless now they will get better and then he will kick himself for not working harder. He still has time to pick those grades up. Best of luck to you both x

I was going to suggest sending him into school too. I get that teens can work by themselves but it must be bloody hard when there’s no one else in the house. That’s why key workers’ kids can go in after all.

Thank you so so much for the replies. We've had a calm chat, in his room, I restrained from commenting on the mess , and used a lot of what you have all talked about to get my point across. We went through my bank direct debits so he could see the cost of living, I showed him my pay packet and how quickly that disappears each month. We looked at low paid jobs and discussed the pros and cons of these jobs. We talked about his career goals. We argued a little about how education is 'stupid' and Einstein didn't have a degree (ok this made us laugh as well). I do agree I can't forse him to do it, just support him in the process, it upsets me covid has impacted so much on his motivation (but maybe it might have changed anyway). I reassured him ill back him up however it goes but he has to be aware of the consequences of his actions. I always get a little Bolt of surprise realising how quick their childhood flies by and responsibility becomes an expectation. He is going to go into school two days a week, if for no reason other than to give him some human contact that isn't just me but also to try and put a bit of structure and focus back into learning. Not sure if will be the kick up the butt he needs, but at least we're still friends. Thank you again, needed positive comments tonight you made a difference!! Xx

Glad it went well and hope his school work improves

@longandwide

From age 15 I worked p/t in a local cafe - washing dishes and cleaning.

My parents wouldn't make me study or the like - they just reminded me that I might end up stuck at the cafe for life if I didn't study.

That job was all the motivation I needed. Besides, the best motivation comes from within - not from someone else.

Maybe let him make his own decisions and have him stand by them

Are you still working there now? I've done cafe work before - it's very tough isn't it? And the pay and conditions are usually rubbish.

Did you return to learning or get another qualification?

I had a telephone parents evening tonight, allocated five minutes and a teacher my ds doesn't even have classes with, reading out a list of comments from each subject

Off the point, but if this was all they were going to do, why didn't they just email the comments to you?

I'm trying not to moan about how the school are managing things because I know it's not easy for them at the minute, but it did feel a little pointless although I guess I do now know he needs to be doing more. It was a very rushed conversation and I wasn't really allowed any time to talk any of it through with them or question ds about it whilst they were on the phone, like you would in a normal parents evening. Education just all feels so removed from the pupil at the moment... Although I'm not sure what the solution is.

Surely he should be at school?

Oh OP I really feel for you, it’s such a difficult time for them, and for us as parents too.

I have an 18 year old DS who is A level year, and I’m lucky in that I work from home, but I feel like I’m constantly nagging him - get up, have your breakfast, sit at your desk, do your school work, get off your game, get off your other game, get off your different game, stop talking to your friends so much. The last one I feel really bad about because he misses and needs his friends, but he just isn’t getting on with his schoolwork as he could be, he can’t seem to motivate himself. But at least he’s doing some when I’m standing over him, it must be so difficult for your DS when he’s on his own so much.

So I would say - don’t go nuts at him, talk to him about what the problems are, how you could help, how he can motivate himself. Talk to the school, see what ideas they have. My friend’s DD was allowed to go into school when she was struggling at home.

Let’s hope and pray that exam years will be able to go back on 8 March. Then there’s only 4 school weeks to get through - 2 before and after half term. See if you can get him to set himself goals for those weeks.

I’m just off to take my own advice now!

That parents evening sounded rubbish by the way, I think you should ask to talk to the school again.