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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU About my x MIL

53 replies

Abster2009 · 27/01/2021 13:51

AIBU I have a 14 month old daughter who I co parent very well with my x. I have recently gone back to work full time and the agreement was for his mum to have her mon tues thur fri 11.00 till 4. (Bare in mind in jan she only had her 6 days as I had to get other arrangements)Then she dropped on me on NYD that she can’t do it anymore as she needs to spend more time with her dog, I had 3 weeks to find different arrangements but she still wanted £100 off me as she would have to do 3 weeks so I found a childminder (who is amazing.)the x MIL has visited my house 4 times since she was born and I always had to take her to her nans or her dad would. Now as I’m working full time I spend 2 days a week with little one and want to spend time with her and her nanny is now saying I’m out of order as she don’t see her anymore which to me is her own doing then to top it off she has a 4 year old granddaughter who she went and picked up from 35 miles away and has her staying till Friday when her dad picks her up she see her every weekend and is not charging her mum (who doesn’t work) for the 3 days she is sleeping at hers. I just feel like I’m penalized for working by his mum. I’m now refusing to pay her to look after her own grandchild when the rest of her other children use her for free childcare.

OP posts:

Godimabitch · 27/01/2021 13:56

That was an insane amount of childcare to ask of one person.
As far as visiting goes, that's her sons job to organise, not yours. You visit your family in your time and he visits his family in his time.

slashlover · 27/01/2021 14:04

Surely she can see your DD on your exs time?

Triffid1 · 27/01/2021 14:05

If she wants to see your daughter she can do so during then time your ex spends with her. it is not up to you to facilitate that relationship any more than is convenient for you.

harriethoyle · 27/01/2021 14:07

You paid her £100 for 3 weeks of childcare?! If so, YWBVU in thinking that was adequate.

Re DD - your ex can facilitate his Mum's contact

Piffle11 · 27/01/2021 14:09

I’d be putting the onus on your ex - If his DM wants to see the child, then your ex should be sorting it out, not you. If she contacts you, tell her to speak to her son. Obviously I don’t know her, but if she was unhappy being paid and having to do three days a week, and wanted to stop altogether, and now she’s not happy because you’ve made alternative arrangements and she feels she doesn’t see the child ,… Well she doesn’t seem happy and either way. Not sure what she expected would happen when she told you she wouldn’t do it anymore.

Nimue21 · 27/01/2021 14:20

She's not "penalising you for working"...you were massively taking the piss! You think 100 quid for 3 weeks childcare is reasonable?

SeasonFinale · 27/01/2021 14:35

I can see why the OP sees the unfairness in the GP charging one mum to look after her GD but not charging for the other GD. I can also see that if it were a permanent childcare arrangement there should be some form of payment (but whether that should be the going rate is a different debate. If the going rate the easiest thing for OP would be an actual childminder).

Now the grandma does not want to carry out childcare then she needs to liaise with her own son to see the GD when he has her.

OP just tell her that. You can see your GD on your son's time not mine.

NailsNeedDoing · 27/01/2021 14:38

It’s not your responsibility to ensure she sees her grandchild, that’s up to her son. Stop using her for childcare, and the problem will go away.

Guzy · 27/01/2021 14:39

Blimey in our culture family do childcare for free. They will feel offended if we offer to pay or pay money towards childcare. In this situation I would not trust xmil she is so unfair to her GD, I feel there may be some neglecting going on too

Original poster

Abster2009 · 27/01/2021 14:39

I never had a problem paying it weren’t a big deal until I found out she never charged her daughter or her other daughter in law and she has them 5 days a week for a few hours a day yes my daughter was for 5 hours a day for 4 days that’s because I work the others use her for a break as they don’t work. Should of made that a bit clearer

OP posts:

Nimue21 · 27/01/2021 14:40

Maybe she's sick of the lot of you using her as an unpaid nanny?
You were paying hardly anything anyway.

Poor woman.

Original poster

Abster2009 · 27/01/2021 14:41

I have I found myself an amazing childminder who dots on her and she has such a good little friendship with her child as well so I feel she is in safe hands and all her ofsted were brilliant

OP posts:

Santaiscovidfree · 27/01/2021 14:42

Back away and put her firmly in the dgm zone. Make other arrangements for child care..
Your ex can manage any relationship between his dd and dm.

luxxlisbon · 27/01/2021 14:43

Having a grandchild over even overnight for the odd time is not the same as a consistent childcare schedule. I wouldn't expect grandparents to charge if they are helping out with childcare in emergencies but it isn't unreasonable to pay them when they are providing nearly full childcare.

So she already looked after her for the full 3 weeks and you are refusing to pay the agreed amount?

Your ex needs to be the one to manage the relationship with his mum and his child more on his time but some of the things you are choosing to do (not pay her as agreed) are only fanning the flames of all this.

SnackSizeRaisin · 27/01/2021 14:44

I would sort out the childcare that you need whilst she is with you without involving mil. Let your ex sort out what childcare he needs, whether he asks his mother to do it (and pays her) or uses the same childminder as you, whatever he decides.
It's up to ex to arrange for mil to see the child, not up to you. So just ask him and her to arrange that between them.
What childcare arrangements she has with other people are nothing to do with you so I would stop thinking about that.
I don't think she is unreasonable to not want to do 4 days a week - it is too much for an elderly lady

Original poster

Abster2009 · 27/01/2021 14:45

My own mother would do anything to be in her position to have little one while I work but unfortunately she still has to work full time. My own family are very supportive but live so far away and none of them would charge which I don’t have a problem if it was fair across the board

OP posts:

Holly60 · 27/01/2021 14:46

I think you’ve done the right thing and I think seeing as your x mil decided she didn’t want to put herself out for you, you are absolutely entitled to do the same and not go out of your way to see her. As PP have said, explain that she should arrange with her son to see DD.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 27/01/2021 14:49

I'm not sure why you didn't mind paying until you found out she did some babysitting (that works around her schedule) for free. You needed childcare around your schedule.

This all still sounds very entangled. She is your exes mum, you owe her nothing, that's part of the beauty of splitting up. You no longer need her for childcare, everything else is your exes problem.

TopTabby · 27/01/2021 14:52

Send the money in instalments with your ex & draw a line under the whole childcare thing. It was way too much to ask of her, it doesn't matter that your own dm would like to do it, we're not all the same!
Tell him it's now up to him to sort out the time ex MIL spends with dd. It's not your responsibility.
Step away from any drama & properly enjoy the time you spend with dd.
She's your EX MIL.

mekitgubakuds · 27/01/2021 14:57

Get over the childcare thing, you've sorted it now and found great childcare.

As for her seeing your child, not your problem, that's for your ex to sort during his time with the child. Unless he has no contact then if you wanted you could allow the child to spend that time with the grandmother instead, but it'd be her responsibility to pick up and drop off the child at the agreed times.

Beamur · 27/01/2021 14:58

I think the payment is a red herring here and you're best off not comparing your childcare treatment to the other GC.
As for seeing Granny, this is for your ex to sort out really in his contact time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2021 15:02

She’s your ex’s mum. You never have to speak to her again if you don’t want to. She can liaise with her son to see her grandchild when he has contact.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/01/2021 15:08

@Abster2009

YABVU to expect 4 days childcare a week from someone just because she is your child's grandparent. Doesntatter what you think your family would be happy to do.

Longdistance · 27/01/2021 15:09

Well, the timings would have been 11-4. So, lunchtime, nap and play til 4. Not exactly taxing.
At least you have a lovely childminder now. Get your ex to sort out time with dgm. She can see your dc in his time.

Lucieintheskye · 27/01/2021 15:14

Just because your MIL doesn't work full time unlike your DM, doesn't mean she's fair game for childcare. She probably thought you were taking the piss giving her £30 a week for that much childcare!

YABU to complain about her and you seem to only have a bee in your bonnet because you're not getting away with that crap anymore. Get off your high horse and get your MIL to arrange to visit your child in your ex's time and just say it's because you want to enjoy your free time with your child. No need for smoke and mirrors and getting bitchy when someone doesn't know the reason why you're keeping your kid from them. Bloody hell

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