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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU About my x MIL

53 replies

Abster2009 · 27/01/2021 13:51

AIBU I have a 14 month old daughter who I co parent very well with my x. I have recently gone back to work full time and the agreement was for his mum to have her mon tues thur fri 11.00 till 4. (Bare in mind in jan she only had her 6 days as I had to get other arrangements)Then she dropped on me on NYD that she can’t do it anymore as she needs to spend more time with her dog, I had 3 weeks to find different arrangements but she still wanted £100 off me as she would have to do 3 weeks so I found a childminder (who is amazing.)the x MIL has visited my house 4 times since she was born and I always had to take her to her nans or her dad would. Now as I’m working full time I spend 2 days a week with little one and want to spend time with her and her nanny is now saying I’m out of order as she don’t see her anymore which to me is her own doing then to top it off she has a 4 year old granddaughter who she went and picked up from 35 miles away and has her staying till Friday when her dad picks her up she see her every weekend and is not charging her mum (who doesn’t work) for the 3 days she is sleeping at hers. I just feel like I’m penalized for working by his mum. I’m now refusing to pay her to look after her own grandchild when the rest of her other children use her for free childcare.

OP posts:
Nimue21 · 27/01/2021 15:16

which I don’t have a problem if it was fair across the board

It doesn't have to be your version of fair, or fair at all. You aren't her daughter. You aren't even her daughter in law. I imagine her other grandchildren spend time with her other than when she's minding them...you on the other hand are demanding free childcare and when you aren't getting it you are refusing to let her see the child.

It's not her attitude thats the problem, its yours

InTheDrunkTank · 27/01/2021 15:17

I definitely think it's good you have a childminder. That really was a lot to ask of her. She probably feels a bit used as you felt close enough to her to ask her to do so much childcare but now she can't do it anymore she suddenly can't come round. That said it's really your ex's responsibility to take his DD to see his mum.

HyacynthBucket · 27/01/2021 15:17

She is not doing childcare for her other grandchildren - she is having them over to visit because she wants to see her grandchildren. There is no comparison with her doing actual childcare for set hours each week while you are at work. As to her seeing your DD as a grandmother, that is up to your DH to sort out with her.

ScrapThatThen · 27/01/2021 15:20

She would help her son for free, but charge his ex, seems reasonable?

JenIsAGem · 27/01/2021 15:22

Yanbu

Original poster
Abster2009 · 27/01/2021 15:42

Maybe re-read the post correctly, I’m not refusing to let her see her GC as her mum who works almost 60 hours a week I want to see my child on my 2 days off I get a week. How is that refusing to let her see her? I work 5 days a week and have two days off which I want to spend just me and my child??

OP posts:
Tiktaktoe · 27/01/2021 15:48

When does the child go to her father? He can visit granny with the child on his time.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/01/2021 15:49

Right so your ex can facilitate his mother seeing your child when he has his contact days.
She doesn't owe you anything. She is your ex mil, not a cheap or free childcare service. Just because your dd is her grandchild doesn't mean she owes YOU anything.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 27/01/2021 15:53

Your ex is the missing piece of the puzzle here - it is up to him to arrange contact time with his mother, on his own time. When does he spend time with her? That's when the grandma should be seeing the granddaughter, nothing to do with you at all!

BonnieDundee · 27/01/2021 15:53

"Sorry, i arrange contact with my family, you'll have to talk to exH about seeing DC."

Or alternatively block

pickingdaisies · 27/01/2021 15:59

Like everybody else says, it's up to her ds to organise when she sees your DD now. But you need to pay her the £100 you agreed. It really doesn't matter what she's agreed with anyone else, (and it's none of your business) that's what you agreed with her. And it's really not a lot for the amount of time she had your daughter. Although I get why it upset you.

BonnieDundee · 27/01/2021 15:59

it doesn't have to be your version of fair, or fair at all. You aren't her daughter. You aren't even her daughter in law. I imagine her other grandchildren spend time with her other than when she's minding them...you on the other hand are demanding free childcare and when you aren't getting it you are refusing to let her see the child.

It's not her attitude thats the problem, its yours

Wow. That's harsh. Are you the Ex MIL? Grin

Nowhere do I see that the OP is demanding free childcare. Refusing to let her see the child? I didnt see that either unless you think it's the OP's responsibility to still be doing the wife work for.her.ExH Hmm

Chloemol · 27/01/2021 16:00

The childcare issue has been sorted

The ex can take the baby to see his mother when he has the baby

Nimue21 · 27/01/2021 16:03

Nowhere do I see that the OP is demanding free childcare. Refusing to let her see the child? I didnt see that either unless you think it's the OP's responsibility to still be doing the wife work for.her.ExH

Did you not actually read OP's posts? She is perfectly happy to take her child to her grandmother...but only when the grandmother was willing to give her free childcare for most of the week. When that wasn't an option, then its nothing to do with her if the child sees her GM?
OP wanted free almost full time childcare, and when she didn't get it she had a tantrum.

Original poster
Abster2009 · 27/01/2021 16:03

He works 4 days on 2 days off then 3 days on 2 days off every other week if he is off on a Wednesday or Saturday we go out together without anyone else (he has another partner) but any other days he will have her but she never sleeps at his.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 27/01/2021 16:07

She's your ex MIL, why are you so involved with her? Let her son deal with her/arrange access etc whether she charges other people or not isn't your concern, it's your ex that should have the issue with that

Aprilx · 27/01/2021 16:07

YABVVU. Ex-MIL is seeing her other grandchildren, you were wanting specific childcare to accommodate your work schedule. You were paying her little over £1 an hour to do so and have even withheld that because she has seen her other grandchildren.

Let your ex sort out visiting times with his mother and stay out of it. But pay her for what she has done and you ought to have paid a lot more than that pittance.

BiggerThanCheeses · 27/01/2021 16:21

Apparently loads of people on this thread haven't read the part where MIL got £100 to do 6 days of childcare in Jan (which is not £1 an hour @Aprilx). Nooooo we must all pile on the OP for being a single parent and daring to accept help from someone related to DGC, and never mind that the point of this thread is that MIL is whinging that she never gets to see her DGC despite the fact MIL brought it on herself.

@Nimue21 you can't mix households unless there's some sort of bubbling going on, so no, OP is not being unreasonable to not make social calls on ex-MIL who is also in a childcare bubble with 2 other families.

If MIL wanted more money she's an adult and could have asked for more instead of being so flaky, what use is that to anyone?

OP YANBU about wanting to spend your days off with your DD. Enjoy her baby days and if your silly MIL texts you, ignore her and let ex-DP do any arrangements with her.

BonnieDundee · 27/01/2021 16:23

Did you not actually read OP's posts? She is perfectly happy to take her child to her grandmother...but only when the grandmother was willing to give her free childcare for most of the week. When that wasn't an option, then its nothing to do with her if the child sees her GM?
OP wanted free almost full time childcare, and when she didn't get it she had a tantrum.

She was taking her child to childcare on her days of having her child. Visits to the ex's family are the ex's responsibility.

And no, I didnt see any tantrum

Original poster
Abster2009 · 27/01/2021 16:27

You don’t seem to be able to read so let me break this down to you. She has her other grandchildren 5 days a week even more she goes to pick them up and they parents don’t work and has them 5-6 hours a day at no cost and runs round after them. When she offered to look after little one as well I took the offer so I didn’t have to leave her with strangers she agreed to do them times and them days at £100 a month however in January she only had her 6 days and then informed me that no one else pays her so my £100 is all she gets, (her other daughter in law is her ex dil as well no charge, her daughter no charge as they don’t work that’s how she said it as I work pay, )But on a Wednesday and Saturday she wouldn’t see little one as these are my days off. Now little one goes to a childminder on mon tues Thursday Friday as I’m at work and can’t be running round when I have done 12-15 hour shift to her nanny because I’m tried I have been at work all day and do need time to eat and relax myself so maybe read the post correctly before commenting

OP posts:
Original poster
Abster2009 · 27/01/2021 16:36

Just to confirm that my ex said not to pay her as it’s unfair on him that everyone gets it for free as I took her up there on NYD and she discussed it with the both of us they is a lot more to this and it’s not as simple as x and Xmil are always falling out so I feel obligated to take her to see her but at the minute I just want some time with her as mum and daughter

OP posts:
Aprilx · 27/01/2021 16:42

@BiggerThanCheeses

My bad, I did rough castings in my head to come up with the “ just over £1 a day”. I have now costed it properly and £100 for three weeks, four days a week, five hours a day is about £1.66 per hour. Much better? And she didn’t even get that because OP is withholding.

Original poster
Abster2009 · 27/01/2021 16:55

While you working that out so my childminder charges 3.50 per hour so after tax and NI and insurance she see about £2.00 per about after all the legal requirements are taken in to account.. where’s MIL is claiming benefits and getting cash and don’t have all the legal requirements..

OP posts:
Guzy · 27/01/2021 16:58

Tell her you want to be with your child on your days off and she should make arrangements for seeing DD with x, say that you can’t pay her anymore too as you have a childminder and money is tight. If she asks for the £100 say she needs to sort it with x as you pay for child minder and have nothing spare 😂

Ticklemynickel · 27/01/2021 17:33

So when does your ex have DD? He should be taking her to see DMIL on his time, not yours. Do you have an agreement in place for access?