To not want any more babies because I am lazy and have no patience

[mesaloca]

DH has lots of siblings so wants lots of kids. DD is 12 months and has been hard hard work, she was an awful sleeper (still not great) and very demanding. The whole sleep thing has affecting me a great deal and tests the small amount of patience that I have. I love DD she is fabulous but I don't want to do it all again, ever. The thought of having another one like her makes me shudder and I really dont think that I would be able to cope.

DH cannot come to terms with this and says I am being selfish and mean. I agree I am being selfish but am I being mean to him and DD? I was an only child and don't have any problems because of that but he thinks DD needs siblings.

DH's family also think I am unreasonable and say that we did it 'the hard way' with DD (slings, BF, co-sleeping) and that if we were more sensible and did it the easy way (crying, bottles, buggies, schedules and cots) then everyone would be happy and it wouldn't be as hard. The thing is I really couldn't raise a child like that and if I did the guilt would drive me crazy.

I really believe that I am in the right for not bringing a child into the world that I couldn't give 100% to and that might send me potty. DH is acting like this threatens our relationship in some way though which is very worrying.

So what do you think AIBU and if not can I have some good things to say to DH and his family in my defence?

we had a colicky non-sleeper first time round and certainly weren't even considering having another at a year. life intervened and it wasn't until dd was over 3 that we were ready to attempt it again (and both of us dearly wanted to have another). i was so worried about the first few months being the same as the first time round i got quite low during my pg.

as it turned out dd2 is a super-easy baby (in the main), she slept ridiculously well from the first day and is a smiley happy soul and i can actually understand why most people love babies rather than fear them as i did after dd1. i'm not saying it's guaranteed that your second will be better though (and i do know people who've had 2 terrible sleepers). everyone would have you believe it's because you're more 'relaxed' second time around but i truly believe you get what you're given.

apart from her sleeping in a hammock (which i would heartily recommend) we've done NOTHING different to the first time around - the slings, the bf, the co-sleeping etc. the only difference which parenting 'style' you choose makes is to you - if you try to do something that goes against the grain that doesn't help anyone. i also don't believe that any of the things you list (bottle vs bf etc.) are any 'easier'.

i agree with everyone who says this is none of your inlaws damned business. how much practical help are they giving you with your dd? do you have any family on your side who are more supportive of your parenting choices?

don't feel you need to make any decisions right now, see how you feel as she gets older. that's the way we did it and once the baby stage was more of a distant memory we decided it was a price we were prepared to pay to have another child as fab as our dd (and yes dd1 was a model toddler). despite reacting to dd2's arrival with some challenging behaviour - as you'd expect - she genuinely loves having a sister (although she's decided she wants a brother next time ).

Do you feel as if your family is complete?

beeper, you have been through so much and stories like your's do make me appreciate that I could just have a healthy baby whenever I fancy one. Age is not on our side which DH always states as a reason to have another baby soon. His mother had three boys one straight after another so DH grew up with two best friends and loved it.

Thank you everyone for your comments, I will talk to DH tonight and will tell him that it is a definate no for the near future only and suggest we talk about it again in a few months.

lots of posts while i was typing mine (one-handed, bf). i have to say that we have a very even division of childcare here. i'm sahm and dh works ft but we have always shared the night shifts and he tends to take over with one or other of girls when he gets home/at weejkends too. the fact that we're totally in it together is what makes it possible. if i were the one taking the brunt of the sleep deprivation i wouldn't have done it the second time round i'm sure.

LazyLinePainterJane - yes I do.

puppydavies (love the name btw I am a davies too) DH sounds a lot like yours and I still couldn't cope.

there is no guarantee that sibs will get on, i don't w/my bro, dp has 2 bros, 1 is v v close the other not at all.

it's interesting what you say about not wanting to let yourself forget how hard this year's been. looking back i was always amazed at how we survived the first year at all. i think i did block it out because it wasn't until i was pg the second time that it came flooding back

Your DH is being unreasonable if he wants an answer NOW.

I definitely felt like this when mine were 12 months, but as others have said, when they hit 2 or 2 years old you start to change your mind. You will STILL know how awful it was for the first year but personally for me the SHEER JOY of having toddlers over-rode my sheer terror of having a baby. I just LOVE LOVE LOVE toddlers in a way that I never understood when they were 1 year old. You will change as a person as your child changes, and your priorities will change. The fact that you hate the first 12 months won't change. But you might find that you love being the mother of a toddler so much that you want MORE OF THEM.

I do see where you are coming from, Richard. DH and I both feel our family is complete, we like our dynamic as a threesome. Not sure what I would do if DH was desperate for more. It's also awkward because everyone says "don't make a decision now, you might change your mind" and you think "don't patronise me I do know my own mind". And then you find yourself giving the same advice 2 years down the line.

Sounds to me like your DH is trying to recreate his childhood and he needs to realise that this is not going to happen. Even if you do have more children, things will be different. I have a sister who stole from me from the age of 8 and who I haven't spoken to for nearly a decade. We physically fought all the time. Simply having another child does not guarantee a carbon copy of The Waltons.

I know what you mean about it not being fair to lead him on, but you can be honest with his without letting him down too hard.

Let us know what happens!

DS was another very demanding non-sleeping baby. DH was quite keen to have DCs close together but I was very definite that that was not happening.

I think other PP have made good points about how when you get more experience of the child your baby becomes, and more aware of how little long-term psychological scarring you have from that difficult first year, it appears a better trade-off.

Give it some time. If it still doesn't seem like a worthwhile trade-off to you, don't have more children.

Most people with a demanding high needs first child do find that the second is far easier (I keep reminding myself of this hopefully as I'm now pregnant with #2). But it's not a guarantee.

my friend and i both sobbed on our babies first birthday...cos the precious twelve months had been SUCH a SLOG..with babes and partners and all that

a part of me doubted that i 'had another one in me' if you see what i mean.

howevr here i am FOUR years later...a very different mum...with a very different baby...and it feels right.

so in summary...well blimmin done for getting through with a thriving infant to show for your efforts..and you never know!

ps ...id stall...say you are not sure...to get him off your back (i am queen of dysfunctional communication by the way)

Your comments about possibly wanting to adopt would seem to contradict your feeling that your family is complete though.

And is a little worrying because it implies that you seem to think that it will get easier at a certain age! Babyies (especially new and first babies) are very demanding and exhausting - but older children bring their own problems anyway. And as Kewcumber says, no doubt from her own experience, may have their own very specific issues that you will have to deal with.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at this moment in time - I well remember that feeling of exhaustion! - but I think you do owe it to your DH to revisit this topic again when things are more settled.

Perhaps, though, you did do things the hard way - but even if you do it exactly the same the next time round it will be easier because you will know what to expect. And even sleepless nights are easier the second time round, honest! Are there any ways that you could do it differently without making yourself feel guilty? (Although as the whole of motherhood is about feeling guilty this one may be impossible!) Maybe you could relax some of your routines or get someone to help you out for a couple of hours a day?

But it does sound like it's a bit early for you to be making this decision - just don't rule out that you might change your mind.

I had two AWFUL babies

some days I find myself thinking "Hmm surely I couldn't have three awful babies?"

you might have another AWFUL one

but actually with no. 2 you know how quickly a year passes and that things will be better then - that knowledge is so reassuring

YANBU. If it is you who has to do the lion's share of looking after and children, then you should have the final say. As lots of other people have said, you might feel differently at some point, but you might not.

I had a similar conversation with MIL at the weekend, who told me I was being selfish for only wanting 2 dcs (dh is one of 4, SIL has 4 and is planning more). My dh would like more dcs, but acknowledges that the decision should be mine because I'd be the one looking after them.

After DD (AKA - the demon child) it took 4 years to decide on no 2, he however is the complete opposite - v calm able to entertain self and sleeps 13 hours a night. Now 17/40 with no 3 and have everything crossed it will be like DS, DD now 5 1/2 and still v demanding but have kind of learnt to switch out of her winging and we have set one to one time where she knows she will get full attention, this helps a bit.

That's true about the forgetting but being broody doesn't mean you actually WANT another baby. It's just evil nature trying to make you have one. [halloween angry face]

YANBU

Our second baby, after a 3 year gap, is a dream compared to the first but we are not smug, we know how lucky we are as the first was a nightmare only calmed and eventually resolved by help in the form of a little book much maligned on mumsnet (BY SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED).

ds2 is a dream baby, if all babies were like him I'd have a huge brood, but I know it's the luck of the draw and I'm not willing to push my luck with a third.

Could you agree with dh to start saving up for a nanny/mother's help fund so that in a year or so you have some money to pay for help during those early months, it makes life soooo much more bearable.

I feel your dh's family have rather bad social skills. This is clearly nothing to do with them. If dh is going to them for advice, they should keep quiet about it and not give an opinion, just listen and let him vent.

I feel your dh is pressuring you. You don't know how you will feel about being a mother until you are one.

I feel (gosh gone all therapist today ) that you seem to be doing all the things that feel right to you and baby. I would not call that lazy or selfish. Dh and his family seem to be lacking a key emotional factor 'empathy'. I do think at the end of the day this is your decision, it is your body and your sleep and your life, a baby will have a far bigger impact on the mother than father just for the fact you will spend 24/7 looking after them, dad is just a few hours in the evening an hour in the morning...nothing really!

To say you never want to go through it again, I can understand that. On the 'impatience' side of things I did have worries about my 'patience' snapping with more than one young one at a time. My dh would have had me pg when dd was 10 day old if he had the chance! (I did tell him to let the stitches heal first...) as it is, I've compromised. I do want 2 children, but not all at once. So I intend to be 'popping' out the next one when my dd is around 3 yr old. Hopefully she will be mature enough to explain what a baby is, how this will change things, to help if she wants to, to be at playschool 2 to 3 mornings a week (so I get time alone with baby) and soon be off to school so again, more time with baby. And yes do intend to spend time with dd, part of me wishes she would be the only one because she is so amazing but I still would like her to have a sibling and me to experience a baby again and being pg.

This is your decision. You do not have to let them label you as 'selfish' or 'lazy'. You appear to be the opposite of both! This is just a lever for them all to get their own way! Actually feel for you. They are not right to call you that.

Sit your dh down, explain that you feel angry/upset that his family are getting involved in your family/relationship. You do not want any more involvement from them.

You have found dd amazing but v hard work and fear that it would not be in your best interests or your dd/children in futures interest to have another at this point in time. And afterall this is about not just your future happiness but your dd. At this moment in time you do not want any other children.

As for your marriage being a bit wobbly because of this, how was it before dd? I do not feel that having one child only is reason enough for separation. Surely that is selfish of dh? To cause you and your dd misery by his tantruming to have another child?

12 months old is a really tough time with teething and it has to be remembered that its winter as well. I felt exactly the same as you when my son was 12 months old. Like you I followed attachment parenting and I got very burnt out with the sheer hard work of it.

Admitally for me pregnancy was not an issue because my husband didn't want another. Even if he did, I could not have had another baby because my periods did not return until my son was 27 months old! I think that small age gaps are uncommon with attachment parenting families.

I found that La Leche league was my lifesaver. It helped meeting like minded families. They seemed to have about 2 to 3 years between their children.

Yanbu.
I felt the same way and sometimes I still do. Ds is 3 in January. I had a bad experience with my birth too and the thought of going to hospital terrifies me which is probably my main reason, but I also have days when I feel 'selfish' and I just can't see myself with another baby.

I have the odd day where I think the idea would be nice and get clucky when I see cute babies sleeping, but from a personal and practical view I 'wake myself up' and I decide no, not now!

I think you are being a bit unreasonable because you are putting your ideas about parenting totally ahead of your husband's feelings.

'I really believe I am in the right...' isn't a great way to approach issues in a marriage in my opinion!

You say that the guilt of using bottles, cots etc would drive you crazy. I'm not saying you should use these things.

BUT what about the effect on your existing child of growing up amid two warring parents? I would feel more guilty about that. Have we become so fixated on how we bring childen up that we have forgotten the importance of a child seeing a loving parental relationship?

Some of the best times I had with my son were snuggling down with a big bag of maltesers in front of the Simpsons!

No you shouldn't have a baby to keep the peace with your husband. But I would back off a bit from your position which sounds very rigid. Maybe say that you would consider it in the future.