To not want any more babies because I am lazy and have no patience

[mesaloca]

DH has lots of siblings so wants lots of kids. DD is 12 months and has been hard hard work, she was an awful sleeper (still not great) and very demanding. The whole sleep thing has affecting me a great deal and tests the small amount of patience that I have. I love DD she is fabulous but I don't want to do it all again, ever. The thought of having another one like her makes me shudder and I really dont think that I would be able to cope.

DH cannot come to terms with this and says I am being selfish and mean. I agree I am being selfish but am I being mean to him and DD? I was an only child and don't have any problems because of that but he thinks DD needs siblings.

DH's family also think I am unreasonable and say that we did it 'the hard way' with DD (slings, BF, co-sleeping) and that if we were more sensible and did it the easy way (crying, bottles, buggies, schedules and cots) then everyone would be happy and it wouldn't be as hard. The thing is I really couldn't raise a child like that and if I did the guilt would drive me crazy.

I really believe that I am in the right for not bringing a child into the world that I couldn't give 100% to and that might send me potty. DH is acting like this threatens our relationship in some way though which is very worrying.

So what do you think AIBU and if not can I have some good things to say to DH and his family in my defence?

There's no rush.

Don't make hard and fast decisions you might regret in the future. Your DD's only just a year old. Plenty of people have far bigger gaps than this. Some of the most demanding babies I've known have grown up to be the most self-sufficient, happy toddlers - you sound like you're meeting your DD's needs well and I bet if you had a bigger age gap, she'd be a great help to you with a baby.

DH has a right to have a say, so let's put him aside for a second. As for his family, they can piss off and mind their own business.

DH obviously has a good relationship with his siblings and I can see why he wants more children. But being a sibling is very different to being a parent. Was he happy with the slings and co-sleeping, or did he agree with his family? Because if he agreed, and I imagine it was predominantly you who did most of the work, he is being selfish if he discounts the impact of the tiredness on you.

It may well be that in a few months, once her sleeping has settled down, you might feel differently. I know when DS was colicky the idea of having another child was AWFUL. But then again, you might not.

I think you and DH need to talk it through, and you need to try and convey to him what hard work this has been. Calling you selfish and mean is a very immature reaction.

I agree that it seems a bit soon to make a sweeping statement that you are never going to want anymore. It might be true, but it might not and why make it a drama right now? Can´t you just tell dh you aren´t ready now and are not sure if you will be but can you revisit the idea in a couple of years? Maybe your feelings will have changed and if they haven´t, you´ll have had more time to think about it and they can´t say you are being rash.

In your defence - well, if you don´t want anymore, you don´t. And no one should make you feel bad for that. However, I can understand your dh´s pov, effectively you hold all the cards in this situation and that probably makes him feel very powerless and angry that he seems to have no say.

By the way - I don't think you sound lazy or impatient at all. Someone like that would not practise attachment parenting, IMO. Give yourself some credit

A think a lot of people feel like this after a year, as the year has been so intense.
I know I said I could never go through it all again, but after two years, after getting sleep and relaxing a bit, I started to like the idea.
Why dont you say top, your OH that you don't want a small gap, but are willing to think about it in the future.

Firstly... there is no right or wrong, hard or easy way! Every child is different.

I've been very fortunate to have three very mild placid, content babies. My first went through the night at 10 weeks, second at 8 weeks and my dd was sleeping from 8pm to 8am from 2 weeks!

All I ever did with all three was put them down in their crib or cot wide awake after their bottle and let them go off to sleep on their own.

When they were having night feed, I feed them in the dark, changed their bum in the dark, winded them and put them straight back to bed as quickly as possible.

During the day I never had strict rountines, they were fed roughly every 4 hours, napped when they needed to and it all fell into place.

I admit, I've been very lucky, my SIL has gone through the same as you, she doesn't want anymore either. I totally understand where you are coming from. What were you like as a baby? Mine have been just how I was and SIL's is just how she was!

The only advice, if you can call it that, is follow your heart, if you get pressured into having another and you are anxious about it, it's really not a good start, the baby will sense the anxiety from the start. DH has to respect how you feel, i'm assuming, so forgivew me if I'm wrong, but they are not there 24-7, they get a break from parenting, time to chill out and relax, us mums don't! They think their day at work is stressful, but hey, could that cope for a day alone with a baby?

DD is much easier now, in fact last night I even said I might consider adopting some time in the future, as it is just a small baby that I don't want to have to look after again. This is not good enough for DH though - he wants more babies.

I don't agree that I shouldn't make my mind up now because I don't want the passing of time to dull the memories of how hard it was and cloud my future judgement. I often dream that I am pregnant again and the thought fills me with dread. I don't want another baby clamped to me for however long but DH doesn't understand this (it's not him who has to do it though).

I didn't want any more when my dd was 12 months old and she was a 'good' baby. I'm pg again(she's 2.8) and I have mixed feelings about it even now! I have no patience either.

I don't think this is a case of you being unreasonable, or your dh being unreasonable - just too early to come to any huge decisions like that maybe.

They are not babies for very long... it seems it when they are but really, it isn't!

Another thing... I agree with the others, your dd is only 1yr old, it's too soon to be thinking about another, give yourself and dd time to settle down.

SIL's started school this year, she's only just made her decision about not having another, until now she'd kept an open mind.

Agree with others - it doesn't need to be an issue right now. When dd was one, I was fairly certain I would not do it again - she's 3.3 now, and I'm pg. She is quite mature and independent and I know she will be keen to help with the new baby.

You cannot imagine how much your dd will change in the next 2 or 3 years.

It's a shame you've been driven into a corner to the extent that you are calling yourself lazy and lacking in patience in your thread title. Don't use such negative terms about yourself. It sounds like you are neither of these things.

I am aghast that this is a topic for discussion with your dh's family. It's between you and him. I'm guessing they maybe don't have much direct experience of co-sleeping etc? I really don't believe that there's an easy way and a hard way to raise a baby and it's entirely up to you anyway.

RD, you don't have to do it the same way as this time if it's not working for you.

it is very hard work and you have every right to recognise its not for you another time (i feel exactly the same, different reasons)
there should be no pressure from folks its got nothing to do with

take his opinion into account but ultimately its your choice as its your body ..

"I might consider adopting some time in the future" - I hate to break it to you but adopting can be every bit as difficult as having a new-born. Many adopted childrens behaviour regresses when adopted, they very often suffer from serious sleep issues and sometimes food issues too. You might think the worst thing to deal with is a newborn but I think an unattached older child who screams non-stop everytime you look at them and won't be held by you or comforted by you no matter how distressed they are can be soul-destroying.

DH was all in favour of how we raised DD, he has some issues with the methods used to raise him and his siblings. He knows how hard it was and was a big help when he was not at work. He however thinks it is all worth it in the end which I do not disagree with if you can cope. I am not sure that I could though. If I say this he says I am being over-dramatic and if I say this to his family they start suggesting that I 'see someone' like I am a bit mental or something.

I don't mean to lecture but please don't assumet hat adoption could be the answer as it will avoid the difficult bits. You just swap one set of difficult bits for a differnt set.

BTW, I don't think what you are feeling is at all selfish, you are accepting that you have little patience and that you are right for not bringing a child into the world that you feel you couldn't give 100% to and that might send you potty.

That's not an easy thing to admit.

For now, to get DH and his interfering family off your back, you could tell them it's far to soon, you'd want a gap of at least 3 years.

That way, DH should stop pressuring you. It's not fair for him to act like this threatens your relationship in some way, he must accept that he chose to be with you and you have a very precious dd together and for that he should accpreciate you and be greatful.

What is your personal situation? Do you stay at home or work? Does your DH work FT? If so, maybe you could suggest that he stays at home and looks after the babies.

YANBU, but be aware that your feelings can change. Both DH and I have been very only child minded all the way down the line but that didn't stop me getting all broody 2 months or so ago (DS is 2.2).

I know a lot of people who had their first child and didn't want to do it again, but who said that they would have another "for their child". IMO, you should have a child because YOU want one, not for anyone else.

If I were you, I would be saying to DH that right now, you don't even want to think about it, but that you would be prepared to rethink and have another talk in 6 months. Your child will be completely different 6 months down the line. Your DH does deserve a say, but it is early days yet.

DH also needs to consider the negative effects it could have on DD, if you are more tired, more stressed, more sleep deprived and less patient - it will impact on DD.

But would it be right to tell DH that there might well be hope in the future if there probably isn't. I would be even more pressured into it if down the line DH uses it against me that I said there was a possibility?

In a few years I will be a few years older and might well have less energy than I do now.

isn't 12 months a bit early to make a final decision anyway? I would have been horrified at the thought of another until DS was at least 20 months - he was damn hard work until then.

Why do you have to make your mind up now?

I felt the same but had a bad dose of PND.

Came out of it when DS was 2 and then wanted another one, got preg but that ended up being a ectopic, lost tube, near death etc.

This propelled me into a world of wanting on so bad and not getting preg for years. Then getting preg and losing another.

Then giving up and moving on in despair and telling myself that my life was so easy now, as DS was 8. I tricked myself into feeling that I had lost the urge to have anymore, and indeed I did such a good job that I did and now even though I am nearly 15 weeks with shock pregnancy I still have no urge and am finding it very difficult to adjust.

Its easy to stand and say, i dont want anymore because you think the option is open to you, but then sometimes the option is closed as in my case for a long long time.

Give yourself a year and see how you feel.

I hear what you are saying about wanting to make a decision now so that time doesn't make you forget what this last year has been like for you. However, it's not just that, but a year or so down the line, you start to realise how great kids are, and you can accept that awful year (or just weeks or months if you're lucky!), because it means that you get another great child at the end of it.

I had a horrific first year with DS1, after a bad pregnancy, and once things started looking up, I wanted number two. I knew how bad things had been, and this time I had strategies in place to deal with the problems I had with DS1. It has been even harder with DS2 - he's a much harder baby, even at 16m, and I've also had DS1 to deal with at the same time. However, I'm not a new mum now, there's been no learning curve this time, and I know what's going to happen next in time. I also know that things will get better, and that this time will pass.

I would second other peoples opinions, don't fight a fight you don't need to. Say you definitely don't want another baby now, or in three months time, and maybe even set a date to talk about it again. In the meantime, the topic is not to be discussed. Some friends of mine did this, and it seemed to work well for them.

And attachment parenting is not the lazy option, so you're obviously not lazy. And the patience does come back... slowly!

beeper - that's a sad story. Congratulations on this baby. Hope it all goes well I know somebody who had their second when their first was 8 or 9, and it went really well for them. First child well settled in school, lots of time to devote to the baby. Sounded great.

12 months! she is tiny you may well change your mind

there are 3 years between mine for a reason