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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

As a man

52 replies

Bookriddle · 27/01/2021 08:18

Why is it unacceptable for me to take off day off work to look after my sick child, when it should be the mothers responsibility to look after the child!

This was just said to me by my female manager, me and my wife take it in turns when our little one is sick, infact we lose £80 for the day because of nursery, and we lose even more when my wife takes a day off compared to me!

AIBU to report what she said to hr or do I just leave it

OP posts:

livelyredjellybean · 27/01/2021 08:19

Definitely report to HR, it’s sexism. Especially if you can prove she said it (eg in an email).

Eileen101 · 27/01/2021 08:20

Report it to HR! That's a terrible attitude.

Thatwentbadly · 27/01/2021 08:22

Because society expects women sacrifice their careers, young children maybe be bf and women tend to be paid less then men so their income is not as key so women are more likely to be the one to take him off when a child is ill.

Did your manager think it was just you taking the time off and was she suggesting you share it or did she just want your wife to take time off?

Merename · 27/01/2021 08:23

Yes you should report to hr. there are policies for these eventualities and they are not sex-based.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2021 08:24

It’s very surprising any manager would make such a ridiculous comment.

That’s definitely a HR issue.

PurpleMustang · 27/01/2021 08:25

Presuming she doesn't have kids? Yep, I'd be off to HR

Original poster

Bookriddle · 27/01/2021 08:26

Unfortunately I dont have anyway of proving what she said, it was over the phone!

I was pretty taken back by the comment, and just said we split it 50/50 and unfortunately it was my turn

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2021 08:26

@PurpleMustang

Presuming she doesn't have kids? Yep, I'd be off to HR

Why? People without children aren’t usually sexist idiots.

toconclude · 27/01/2021 08:27

@livelyredjellybean

Definitely report to HR, it’s sexism. Especially if you can prove she said it (eg in an email).

It's not sexism against OP. Systematic societal oppression of men on the basis of gender doesn't happen. However the manager's statement is utterly wrong, not to mention ridiculous and OP should contact HR, yes. This cannot be company policy.

PurpleMustang · 27/01/2021 08:27

And can I just say, how refreshing it is to hear about a Dad sharing the responsibility!

LouiseTrees · 27/01/2021 08:28

@Bookriddle

Unfortunately I dont have anyway of proving what she said, it was over the phone!

I was pretty taken back by the comment, and just said we split it 50/50 and unfortunately it was my turn

I would go anyway. Say you don’t want it raised directly with her on this occasion but a general reminder sent on sexism. At least it’s logged.

waydownwego · 27/01/2021 08:28

Does she know that your wife also works?

lawandgin · 27/01/2021 08:30

@toconclude it's a directly discriminatory remark. The manager would not have made this comment to a woman.

Emeraldshamrock · 27/01/2021 08:31

Yes report. My DP's boss has a similar attitude unfortunately it has been expected of women for so long it's alien for a man to do it for some.

PurpleMustang · 27/01/2021 08:32

@PurpleDaises because I would assume if she had kids, she would of appreciated that ill children are the responsibility of both parents. If it is not ok for him to take him off from his job, and she does have kids does that mean it is fine for her to have time off because she is female?

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2021 08:35

[quote PurpleMustang]@PurpleDaises because I would assume if she had kids, she would of appreciated that ill children are the responsibility of both parents. If it is not ok for him to take him off from his job, and she does have kids does that mean it is fine for her to have time off because she is female? [/quote]
Don’t make this about those who have kids vs not.
This is an individual with a poor attitude. Those exist whether you’ve got kids or not. On teams I’ve worked with, some of the mums always wanted to be the ones to stay off with their sick children.

notdaddycool · 27/01/2021 08:42

I really think this should be normal in 2021. I would tell HR quietly, it may not be appropriate for them to follow up but it also helps them build up a picture of her, there could have been similar incidents, there could be in the future. I’ve also fed back things like this in one to ones and invariably got apologies. I have an office job I can do from home, my wife has a clinical job until recently. It made a lot more sense for me to do the majority of those days and not take it off. Only if I had a really important external meeting would she take the day.

Brefugee · 27/01/2021 08:43

confirm it to your manager by email? and take it to HR.

PlugUgly1980 · 27/01/2021 08:46

Report to HR regardless of whether you can evidence. It's 50:50 in our house and I would be horrified if my DH's manager said anything like that to him (thankfully he's very understanding).

Gliblet · 27/01/2021 08:48

Definitely talk to HR about it. Women can internalise sexist, mysogynistic bullshit and there can be a perception that women can't be sexist (which is bollocks obviously but we have to work with what exists, not what would be ideal) so if they don't look in to it properly or fob you off, speak to Acas.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 27/01/2021 08:48

Please go to HR. I firmly believe that we can’t have true equality until men are also given access to flexible working and time off for parenting responsibilities. One of the best things about my current workplace is the way that men, as well as women, talking openly about being parents and taking time off for childcare (whether sickness or holidays!) extended paternity leave is commonplace too.

Timeforabiscuit · 27/01/2021 08:49

You're not alone, DH had a similar issue when DD had chickenpox and I happened to be away on a course - apparently we should have shipped her off to the grandparents rather than use accrued annual leave.

That manager was a parent too.

GreenlandTheMovie · 27/01/2021 08:51

Men take time off to look after their sick children all the time at my work. So YANBU.

But good luck with HR. At my work they are being even more remiss than usual as they're all wfh, so expect us staff who are in to run about going their jobs, collecting and sending documents to them, etc.

Plussizejumpsuit · 27/01/2021 08:52

Completely unacceptable.

PurpleMustang · 27/01/2021 08:53

@PurpleDaises ok in a bad way I was trying to say that if she had kids she should be more understanding about the fact that this household splits it 50/50. Some people without kids do not have the same understanding or compassion to these situations until they have kids themselves. A bit like the saying everyone is a perfect parent until they become one. And yes some Mums do want to do all the sick days, and unless you know why you can't judge why. Maybe their partner is useless at looking after the kids so they have too. Or hide behind the fact they want to because they don't want to admit the husband sees it as the wife's job to do.

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