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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Need to scream - 5 yo

40 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 00:58

Anyone elses child just have to get a certain amount of screaming in each day??
He's either just generally shouting and being loud or he'll completely over react to a sensible question and have screaming ab Dana.
Today I told him I want talking to him whilst he was screaming so that made him scream more. Then he got a bit giggly. I continued to not pay him any here. Then he got over it.

Or just made me think maybe he has to let to let it out?

Not sure if I think it's emotions or sensory input thing

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Jillypots · 27/01/2021 01:03

In my experience it’s normal. Especially when kids are curtailed from their usual outings by COVID and lockdowns. My DD, now a lovely 14 year old, had a huge and loud tantrum at that age because she wanted to drive the car, “I want to drive! Why do you always drive? It’s my turn to drive the car!” Reasonable explanations of legal driving ages, legs not being long enough to reach the pedals, not being able to see over the steering wheel etc were all met with kicking and screams and shouts of “It’s NOT FAIR”.

Dopo · 27/01/2021 01:43

I tell mine if he has to scream he goes into his room then comes out when it's finished.
I'm sure it is totally normal but I can't actually stand it and dont accept screaming.
I'll say go scream then come back when you're ready to speak in a voice I can understand.
Same with whining.
I just claim to not understand what is being said. Take some breaths, etc.

It improves.

Can't stand children screaming.

HikeForward · 27/01/2021 07:40

Mine does it at 6 no matter how many times I remind her. She gets overexcited and screams or screeches. The high frequency of it makes me cover my ears. She also does it when she’s angry. I think at this age it’s normal (friends say theirs are the same) as they’re still learning to deal with emotions and express themselves appropriately. She’s very articulate but when she’s wound up or upset it like she needs to screech or yell to let it out.

I’ve actually ordered some ear plug things that are supposed to filter out higher frequencies (yet allow you to hear other frequencies clearly) so hoping they work!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 09:12

He was late to talk (I have a video at 3.5 where I thought he'd come on masses (he had!) but it's still largely unintelligible to anyone even me 2 years later so for a looooong time screaming was his primary communication of anything so in part I think it's a home back from that,

I do the I can't understand but I still engage. Last night was the first time I told him I was ignoring him (it was over not having chocolate before dinner!) and just carried on taking to the twins but by God I cannot cope if they are as bad as him at this age

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Dopo · 27/01/2021 09:17

@SleepingStandingUp

He was late to talk (I have a video at 3.5 where I thought he'd come on masses (he had!) but it's still largely unintelligible to anyone even me 2 years later so for a looooong time screaming was his primary communication of anything so in part I think it's a home back from that,

I do the I can't understand but I still engage. Last night was the first time I told him I was ignoring him (it was over not having chocolate before dinner!) and just carried on taking to the twins but by God I cannot cope if they are as bad as him at this age

You poor thing. I think boys are slower at times to grasp emotions. Mine certainly has meltdowns still. It'll improve.

Maybe have a chat with your gp or health visitor about his development just to rule out any issues, many things can hinder speech, hearing, eyesight, large adenoids keeping them from sleeping which can impact behaviour.

Good luck

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 09:33

Ah thanks Dopo, we largely know what caused it and tbh being out of school and talking all day every day has really helped. He's like 95% clear to me, 75% to randomer s and BC had speech therapy

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dontdisturbmenow · 27/01/2021 09:37

I'm sure it is totally normal but I can't actually stand it and dont accept screaming
I agree with this. It is normal, nothing to worry about but it doesn't make it acceptable. It is very bad manner and discipline should be given accordingly.

So many kids now scream and shouts all the time and parents do nothing about it. I never tolerated it from my kids and they'd be disciplined for it the sane as if they'd said something unkind.

HikeForward · 27/01/2021 09:41

So many kids now scream and shouts all the time and parents do nothing about it. I never tolerated it from my kids and they'd be disciplined for it the sane as if they'd said something unkind

I agree, and I do discipline her for screaming and shouting but as soon as she gets excited again she starts yelling and jumping up and down or climbing on furniture.

How did you manage to get yours to stop doing it?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 09:52

@dontdisturbmenow

I'm sure it is totally normal but I can't actually stand it and dont accept screaming I agree with this. It is normal, nothing to worry about but it doesn't make it acceptable. It is very bad manner and discipline should be given accordingly.

So many kids now scream and shouts all the time and parents do nothing about it. I never tolerated it from my kids and they'd be disciplined for it the sane as if they'd said something unkind.

I agree but everything I do escalates/ extends it. Feel free to give ideas! Letting him run it out yesterday actually worked better than time out or removal of toys etc
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dontdisturbmenow · 27/01/2021 09:56

To start of is to see it coming and I would earn them early. I'd say 'ikay, you're starting to get a bit excitable now, you know what come next, tell I'll be telling you off and you'll be upset, so let's try to calm down', then distract towards a calm activity and rewards.

If they ignored,continued, got worse, I'd take them to their bedroom without a word and take away what fit them excited in the first place. When they calmed down, we'd talk about it and let them come up with ideas to try next time. That gives them some control and make it something they want to do.

Murmurur · 27/01/2021 09:58

Older child here but autistic so possibly different causes. No point trying to talk to him in the moment, he's not disciplined for it but we do ask him to go and do it in his room or suggest alternatives.

Regular exercise, work like carrying a heavy rucksack, and tickling games help keep it at bay. We have a book that frames how a child feels inside as just right, fast and wiggly, fast and emotional or slow and tired. It's been so useful in helping him recognise and articulate when he feels out of sorts. But, we've been working on this for years.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 10:33

To start of is to see it coming and I would earn them early. I'd say 'ikay, you're starting to get a bit excitable now he's practically always excitable. And you'll think he's fine, suggest something like loo before dinner and he'll start screaming. That's what I mean about it almost like it's inside and it has to come out.

I'll be telling you off and you'll be upset, so let's try to calm down' I DONT LIKE BEING CALM I LIKE SCREMAING!!! .

I'd take them to their bedroom without a word
The problem with bedroom is DH is there 9-4ish. He'd love to be sent to my room / would scream and be hysterical all the way up there (fine for a 2 yo, harder at 5 just for safety reasons) and take away what fit them excited in the first place life???

When they calmed down, we'd talk about it we read the tantrum book a lot and we've started the stop, take a deep breath, breath it out, now talk to me. But sometimes I feel like we're penning it up for later.

I'm not trying to be THAT mom where o can't take advice.

Maybe I can send him into the garage to have a scream!

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Treaclepie19 · 27/01/2021 10:33

Yep, right there with you. My 5yo is exactly the same and it drives me nuts. He also has delayed speech so I reckon a lot of anger built up from not being understood often.

Pinkflipflop85 · 27/01/2021 10:38

Sounds very normal.
I teach year 1 and the moment you open the door for playtime they charge around shouting like they're going to battle!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 10:38

@Murmurur could you share the book title please?

@HikeForward sounds like DS, he's NEVER still. Even eating sat is a challenge. He does it at school but then he's hyper all the way home because he's had to pen it up.

And then there's loud 1 year old twins on top

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shouldistop · 27/01/2021 10:40

My 4.5yo can be a bit like that. We've added a 'no shouting' bit on his star chart that we do every day and he's improved a lot,

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 10:40

And if anyone had well behaved 1 year olds I'm Def up for parenting advice 🤣🤣🤣

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SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 10:43

@shouldistop

My 4.5yo can be a bit like that. We've added a 'no shouting' bit on his star chart that we do every day and he's improved a lot,
What rewards do you do for stars? I feel like we've ruined any star chart possibilities as chocolate isn't sacred
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dontdisturbmenow · 27/01/2021 10:50

The problem with bedroom is DH is there 9-4ish. He'd love to be sent to my room / would scream and be hysterical all the way up there (fine for a 2 yo, harder at 5 just for safety reasons)
Let him be hysterical up there. That's exactly what my son did and no way was I going to ignore it and let him with that behaviour because he thought I couldn't find away to punish him for bad behaviour.

I had to grab him and I did. Oh yes he screamed but he knew I meant business. After a few times, he did start to listen when I'd tell him to calm down and that if he didn't, he'd up to his room.

The issue it seems is that your DS will sense your helplessness and feed on it. You need to regain control and let him know. Your oh should support you and move to your bedroom or downstairs when your son needs quiet time in his bedroom. Otherwise, it will likely only get worse.

MessAllOver · 27/01/2021 11:07

I don't tolerate screaming from my 3 yo. I ask him not to in a joking way to begin with..."Ow, mummy's ears hurt". If it continues, I send him to sit on the stairs until he stops.

Similarly, I don't mind him shouting or calling in the park or the woods when we're out for a walk, but I remind him to quieten down if he's screaming or shouting on the bus, in shops or in the garden.

I'm not a very strict parent as a rule and I'm quite lax on other things, but we live in a very congested part of the country and the only way we can all get along nicely together is to show consideration for those around us.

shouldistop · 27/01/2021 11:07

@SleepingStandingUp we literally just give star magnets in the boxes and heaps of praise. He seems happy enough with that for now.

Dopo · 27/01/2021 11:10

We had a chart like they use in school and he's moved down for shrieking and up for not, talking, behaving.

I got him to help write it, giant whiteboard. Gave us all a magnet face with our names on and he's often taken great delight in policing our behaviour.

I'd not set him up to fail but lots of praise when he was doing well.

I'm happy for emotion, and excited screaming to an extent but the second there's just shrieking for the sake of it or to get his own way he's moved down, screen time or whatever is over and we have a chat after he's calmed down.

The garage might be a good place to scream, chuck a bean bag in there, tell him to let it out and come in when he's finished.
I'll always start with a conversation first and say what's expected, give him time to rectify the behaviour but if it continues I'll just say go yell elsewhere and when that's over we can speak about what's going on.

Acknowledge the emotions, get him to think of some strategies himself that work. You can ask him whats going on when he starts to get to the point of screaming, as in is he getting tired or bored and physically describe his feelings. Then work out a strategy to expend it appropriately. Go jump 5 times, colour in a picture, have a calm down corner or box of sensory items like weighted blanket or water bottle filled with glitter (you can make these things) feathers, bubbles, scented things, stress balls, chew toy. Whatever works.
Mine had a book he'd write his emotions in, smiley face or angry and we'd see how it went that day and go through a plan for the next day.
We practiced situations before they happened so if someone called him a name and he got so angry he'd want to scream and lash out, we'd practice ignoring them or a few comebacks.

It's hard with Covid.

Kids need wearing out with exercise and nature,they also need dedicated time to talk and be with their caregiver.

Hope any of that made sense. Each child is different.

shouldistop · 27/01/2021 11:11

Op I also think there are some big emotions for kids at the moment (as there are for adults).
We also have a calendar thing that has a space for ds to put how he's been feeling that day. I try to always acknowledge how he's feeling too. So if he's shouting angrily I'll try to say "ds I know you're feeling angry but it's not ok to shout at mummy".
Or if he's just making loads of noise for the sake of it I'll remind him that he should use his indoor voice.
It doesn't always work but it helps me to have a mantra to quite frankly stop me from shouting back at him!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 11:15

Your oh should support you and move to your bedroom or downstairs when your son needs quiet time in his bedroom. Otherwise, it will likely only get worse he can't come down here, he needs to work, he's not chilling out the way. I agree we need to follow through more of saying he'll have to go to the stairs (probably better than his bedroom tbf as he has toys and books in his room)

Tbf he might shout once on the bus etc but is reprimanded for it with the threat of walking which is sufficient.

The bus example is in part what I mean about him not being able to help it, and is seperate from the screaming because he can't get his own way. Because even when he's being good he still shouts randomly(he passes regular hearing tests no problem) like he struggles to control his volume.

You're all probably right on that it's my bad parenting and we are working on it, maybe I can train him to having 30 minutes a day when he lets it out. I used to like public lifts for that, letting him just have a good scream

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shouldistop · 27/01/2021 11:15

These are the 2 things I have.

Need to scream - 5 yo
Need to scream - 5 yo