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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need to scream - 5 yo

40 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 00:58

Anyone elses child just have to get a certain amount of screaming in each day??
He's either just generally shouting and being loud or he'll completely over react to a sensible question and have screaming ab Dana.
Today I told him I want talking to him whilst he was screaming so that made him scream more. Then he got a bit giggly. I continued to not pay him any here. Then he got over it.

Or just made me think maybe he has to let to let it out?

Not sure if I think it's emotions or sensory input thing

OP posts:

shouldistop · 27/01/2021 11:17

You're all probably right on that it's my bad parenting and we are working on it, maybe I can train him to having 30 minutes a day when he lets it out. I used to like public lifts for that, letting him just have a good scre

It's not bad parenting. A lot of small children do this. There's a reason that the star charts nearly all have a ' no shouting' bit

MessAllOver · 27/01/2021 11:18

I don't expect my 3 yo to remember to speak quietly. But I expect him to do so when asked to. So I do often have to remind him to keep his voice down multiple times. If he's deliberately disobeying, I then threaten to get off the bus or leave the shop (we've only had to do that once).

Murmurur · 27/01/2021 11:26

I couldn't think of it but the title's just come back to me. The kids guide to staying awesome and in control by Lauren Brukner hopefully that works.

Note it is aimed at slightly older children - 5 is still very small so he can only self-regulate to a certain extent. We haven't actually used the exercises much but they way she characterises the feelings was super-helpful for my speech delayed son. It's something you take for granted with other children but he couldn't even identify when he felt ill (as in had a fever etc) until he was 9.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 12:23

Thanks murmur I'll take a look.

I seem to spend half my day just getting him to sit upright and sit still for schooling, then not shout and sing loudly when the babies are napping, not to shout just because he likes it and it feels good I'm his mouth the rest of the time. It feels like all I do is tell him things he can't do that he likes and things he has to do that he dislikes

OP posts:

Murmurur · 27/01/2021 13:08

That sounds really tough, and surely 1 is a really difficult age with twins too.

I remember a friend telling me that having boys is like having dogs - take them for a couple of good long walks a day, and they won't totally trash the house. Obviously some boys, and some girls, but there's a grain of truth there. Lockdown is so incredibly hard on little ones who just need to move. Sounds like he would be one of those kids who 15 years ago would have spent most of YR whizzing around outside on scooters, and not really sat down to do much formal learning until closer to Y2.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 13:15

Yup, he's massively struggled sitting still every day at school after doing half of reception. Thankfully it's a 1 mile walk home so he gets a good run.

I'll be honest and prepare to be lambasted but I struggle getting us all out. We do home schooling in the morning, babies nap from 11/11.30 and no longer do so on their buggy. So it's 1.30 by the time they're both up and them they need feeding. And then all we can do is walk round the estate. Can't get to the park without a bus, can get into the local field with a double buggy. He'll run outside but gets bored / tired. There's a park we can get to but if I'm supervising him, the twins are in the buggy just sat there. (And yes I know, people take all 16 under 5 kids to the park alone and get them to walk in formation and take equal turns on the swings) or I get one out at a time and expect the other to wait patiently whilst o try to stop DS making friends and none of us have fun. If we just walk his legs get tired as as he has some health issues I'm always loathe to do the "tough luck, were walking for 3 miles!"

They just need a better at mothering mother

OP posts:

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 13:17

And 1 is hell 🤣🤣🤣 they're climbing everything so you stop one, turn around and the other is atop something so you get him and the other has escaped. Can't lock them on their play pen all day and they're already behind as they're not walking so really need to let them roam but they just want to go UP 🤣

OP posts:

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/01/2021 13:27

If it makes you feel any better, my loud at 5 boy, who was in constant trouble in p1, is now doing a law degree, and is a confident public speaker (as well as a black belt in karate). So with time and maturity, he’s turned it to a positive. Interestingly, he was speech delayed too, so I think there may be a link.
Hang in there OP

Murmurur · 27/01/2021 13:28

"They just need a better at mothering mother"

Absolutely not. It's just incredibly tough times at the moment, on top of which you have 3 children at a particularly tricky age. I only have 2, and I remember age 3 and 1 as the toughest stage of all. I used to say going back to work saved my sanity. Fast forward 6 months and things will be different... it's just survival at the moment.

MessAllOver · 27/01/2021 13:31

They just need a better at mothering mother

Nope, you're doing great. I've only got the one which makes being mean mummy much easier (can just pick him up in a fireman's lift and exit if things get bad ).

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 27/01/2021 13:43

@dontdisturbmenow

I'm sure it is totally normal but I can't actually stand it and dont accept screaming I agree with this. It is normal, nothing to worry about but it doesn't make it acceptable. It is very bad manner and discipline should be given accordingly.

So many kids now scream and shouts all the time and parents do nothing about it. I never tolerated it from my kids and they'd be disciplined for it the sane as if they'd said something unkind.

absolutely!

It doesn't make the children any happier, if nothing else, they are completely miserable without proper discipline.

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 13:45

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer sounds like you did a good job there 😍 He's bloody Perfect at school of course!

I keep trying to remind myself he's gone through alot. Twin brothers Dec, lockdown March, he was finally toilet trained (mostly) Jan (medical issues), he's doing homework 5 days a week against his wishes, he can't see his best friend and she's not even close enough to do a walk past and wave atm

OP posts:

Original poster

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 13:46

@MessAllOver

They just need a better at mothering mother

Nope, you're doing great. I've only got the one which makes being mean mummy much easier (can just pick him up in a fireman's lift and exit if things get bad ).

It IS less effective when you have to play pen the beasts of Bodmin moor first 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:

Murmurur · 27/01/2021 14:39

It doesn't make the children any happier, if nothing else, they are completely miserable without proper discipline.

But there is a lot more to good parenting than discipline and crowd control. I've got a very obedient one and a wayward one and the difference is not that my parenting got worse between the 2 children. The wayward one needs a lot more help, patience and managing, not a lot more discipline. There is so much going on for OP's 5yo at the moment and I think she is doing well to be looking at solutions wider than just disciplining him more.

MessAllOver · 27/01/2021 15:09

My DS likes to push boundaries. I was a timid, unconfident child who cared deeply about having the approval of those round me. It's not necessarily a bad thing for children to be a little unruly and unafraid to stick up for themselves. But I have needed to change my way of thinking as a parent since I assumed children were programmed to require adult approval and praise and therefore a gentle telling off was all that would ever be required .

Some of the things which have worked for me are - clear simple commands repeated over and over again; simple explanations for why certain behaviour is required ("Sit nicely on the seat please, not the floor, or the driver will ask us to get off the bus"); a clear warning structure (ours has 5 stages: "Please stop screaming, you're annoying everyone"; "Mummy told you to stop screaming, it's annoying"; "Stop screaming now, please"; "If you don't stop screaming, we're going home"; "Right, you didn't stop screaming when I asked you to so now we have to go home"). Treats at home are conditional on good behaviour... so no TV until the toys have been put away, no snacks unless DS is sitting nicely at table etc. If he's defiant, I just ignore him (I imagine that's easier with one, though ). I try not to shout, just walk away. Essentially, I try to make it really boring for him if he's being a pain by refusing to do anything for him.

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