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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think night weaning doesn't mean sleeping through the night?

84 replies

Horehound · 26/01/2021 20:27

I was set on starting to night wean my boy (17m) and thought that when he does this he will then sleep through the night. But it's just dawned on me that actually he could still wake up and want to be cuddled or something instead.
As I understand it sleeping through is a developmental milestone so if he hasn't reached that yet am I still in for nights of broken sleep?

I don't want to do controlled crying or cry it out.
Aibu?

Yabu - your child will sleep through if you night wean.
Yanbu - there's every chance he will still wake up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Horehound · 26/01/2021 23:02

Oh ok so interesting replies! My boy I bet will be one of those who will be up hours knowing my luck!

So next question:
HOW do you night wean? Cold turkey or reducing timings of feeds?
I imagine if I go cold turkey I can't do all two or three I'd have to pick one and just not do it for a week then pick the second one and then finally the third? Or is there another way?!

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 26/01/2021 23:09

A 17 month old child is fully capable of going through the night without food or waking for numerous cuddles. Make it as boring as possible and the message hits home that night time is for sleeping and nothing else.

DelurkingAJ · 26/01/2021 23:19

If it does then my reception child hasn’t got the memo. And he has now perfected crawling in without waking us and then at some point in the night turning into a thrashing bundle of sharp knees and elbows. I sincerely hope night weaning works for you.

Original poster
Horehound · 27/01/2021 09:35

@Zerrin13

A 17 month old child is fully capable of going through the night without food or waking for numerous cuddles. Make it as boring as possible and the message hits home that night time is for sleeping and nothing else.
Well no, that's what I'm saying. I researched and found the sleeping through the night is a developmental milestone. Unless you do some kind of sleep training of course but it seems mean to us for a baby to be crying so long. I'd love for you to come to my house when my boy wakes in the night screaming his head off and escalating if my husband tries to lay him down again without getting his milk. It's a flipping nightmare!
OP posts:
Original poster
Horehound · 27/01/2021 09:36

@DelurkingAJ

If it does then my reception child hasn’t got the memo. And he has now perfected crawling in without waking us and then at some point in the night turning into a thrashing bundle of sharp knees and elbows. I sincerely hope night weaning works for you.
Lol poor you. Yeah j just think if I night wean it's going to make our night wakings even worse so I'm tempted to just hold off .. I just want my periods back to try for number two!
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Caspianberg · 27/01/2021 09:42

Mine is younger and still feeding. (9 months). But he was waking every 90 mins to feed! I have started trying to reduce by not feeding for set times.
So at the moment, I only feed him overnight with at least 3hr gaps. Ie if bed at 8pm, wakes 11pm, I will feed him. If he then wakes again at 12.30am, dh or I try and settle him without a feed.
I aim to extend the time to 4hr-5hr gaps over the next few months if needed.

Maybe something like that would work if your happy to gradually wean?

StacySoloman · 27/01/2021 09:47

Sometimes one of the hardest things with parenting (especially with a first baby) is moving from having a little baby and rushing to meet every need and stop every cry, to having a toddler who has wants that you don't always give in to.
Toddlers sometimes want more TV or a biscuit or to not wear shoes or milk all night, and you say no and they get cross and upset and scream the house down. But it's ok to say no. It's not mean or unkind even if they have a tantrum. Dad can comfort too and toddlers can learn to rely on both parents.

Original poster
Horehound · 27/01/2021 09:52

@StacySoloman aw yeh of course. I mean I do know that but when he wakes in the night he stands up but keeps his eyes closed, cries out, is all wobbly. We know if he stands he doesn't give up. If he wakes up and just sits I leave him and he will flop back down again but once he stands that's it.
He only stops when he's carried through to our room knowing he will get milk.
What if he is hungry? It's when I (or my husband) go in and try to put him down again he just screams and screams and that is really a big shame and also stressful to listen to.

OP posts:
StacySoloman · 27/01/2021 09:55

If he's eating 3 meals a day then he isn't hungry.

Personally I would give it three nights of daddy going in every time he wakes with cuddles and a cup of water and you would probably have it sorted.

Original poster
Horehound · 27/01/2021 10:00

Seams cold turkey would be a bit of a shock though? His body will be expecting calories no? What I read was you reduce feeds by a few mins every second night. But that will take ages.
Plus what I'm saying is I don't think it will stop him waking up and as others have said on here it is true for them. Baby still wakes and some take even longer to get back to sleep than before

OP posts:
StacySoloman · 27/01/2021 10:07

Totally a personal choice.

OneForTheJourney · 27/01/2021 10:39

I personally think waking can become a habit. It's not as easy as stopping night feeds. Waking might still happen. But will probably reduce without feeding.

I breastfed my daughter to sleep till 13 months. I stopped offering, she didn't ask for milk. If she woke I'd pat and shhh her to sleep. Gradually she didn't need that either.

Babyboomtastic · 27/01/2021 10:43

Honestly, it has to be a decision you are content with because otherwise you (a) won't be happy and (b) won't stick at it anyway.

There are no rights and wrongs with this.

Original poster
Horehound · 27/01/2021 11:48

I don't want to night wean if it means he will still wake but I guess that nobody will know what he will do!

He always seems desperate for milk. If I pick him up and sit him on me he immediately pulls at my top and if I try to distract he cries. A few weeks ago I decided I wouldn't give him milk when he got back from nursery and he'd just have his usual big feed after his bath/before bed.
I've honestly never seen him so upset. He was trembling, trying to clamber out of the bath to get to me, unfortunately sooked in some of my hair as I picked him up and so started to gag and then all this saliva snot was pulled up as I took my hair out. It was horrendous. I realised I chose the completely wrong feed to take away since he hadn't seen me all day but he basically is feeding when he comes home, then it's time for bath then gas his big nighttime feed so to me it made sense to remove the first one. He could t cope.

Argh not sure what to do!

OP posts:
Rockettrain · 27/01/2021 12:00

He probably would be a bit upset, as he has got used to those feeds as his comfort and his way of connecting with you. The only other option is 'natural weaning' or 'child-led' weaning which is where you only stop feeding when he stops wanting to be fed. Some babies/toddlers do this at a fairly young age but many continue to want to feed until 3+. Some people do extended breastfeeding until 5 or 6. Some women are very happy to do this and continue until the child wants to stop, but YOU also have to be happy with it. Breastfeeding is a two-way relationship and you both have to be happy with the terms of when and how much you feed. It is not selfish if you want to feed him less than he wants. Your wants and needs are important too and this will be a part of growing up for him as he begins to learn that other people have boundaries and their own wants and needs that don't always match his. This is difficult for a toddler to accept but it doesn't mean you always have to feed whenever he wants.

Children are all very different and some respond better to cutting down on feeds and/or night weaning rather than stopping altogether but my DD was not one of those. I was terrified of going cold-turkey as I thought she'd be devastated but it was actually more straightforward for her to understand. I just explained that milk was finished but that we could have cuddles instead. She cried initially and then accepted it and just stopped asking, it was surprisingly easy. Whereas when I tried to nightwean she was beside herself upset as she didn't understand why I'd feed her in the day but not at night.

I think you need to try and figure out what YOU want and need, and then try to plan a way forward from there. If you do choose to wean or cut specific feeds then your DS may be upset but remember that it is not your job to stop him from ever being upset - it is your job to comfort him when he is upset. He will quickly find new ways to calm himself down and get that same comfort from you. My DD still snuggles into me and puts her hand down my top whenever she is sad Grin even though I don't feed her anymore and she seems to get the same comfort from it that she did from feeding. Good luck xx

Original poster
Horehound · 27/01/2021 12:05

Thank you @Rockettrain how old was your daughter when you did this?
My boy doesn't talk yet but I do think he understands a lot. Although I don't have a world for feeding so I don't know how I can explain to him?

I really haven't enjoyed breastfeeding and at the beginning had to persevere as he couldn't do it. So when he finally managed I thought I'd go until he was 1 and now he's 17m I wonder when it will end. I can handle the day feeds but the night I just can't stand!

OP posts:
Rockettrain · 27/01/2021 12:09

@Horehound she was 19 months when I initially tried nightweaning and it was a disaster. But then for various reasons I really needed/wanted her to stop feeding so I went cold turkey at 21 months. She only has a couple of words but has a good understanding so i think she did sort of get it when I said milk was finished.

You could try introducing a word for feeding or milk over the next couple of weeks, as a precursor to weaning? Like every time you sit down with him you could just say 'ok we can have milk now' or whatever you choose. The word 'milk' might be easiest as you could then start to talk about how he is a big boy he can have his milk from a cup and you could try to get him onto cow's milk, if he's not already. However my DD saw this as a huge insult and still to this day rejects any sort of milk or milk alternative from a cup Grin. If she sees a glass of milk in a book or something she will point to it and then point to my boobs!

Rockettrain · 27/01/2021 12:11

Oh I would also recommend not being around as much as possible if you do try to wean, or just not being there at times that he would normally feed if you are cutting feeds. So at night you could just send his Dad into him when he wakes. My DD does still hate this though if she wakes in the night, she only wants me, even though I don't feed her anymore. But now she hardly ever wakes up at night so it's not really an issue if I do have to do the odd night wake-up with her.

Original poster
Horehound · 27/01/2021 12:13

@Rockettrain haha they are so funny!

Actually yes I do say milk to him but didn't want to confuse that with the cows milk he does get. So maybe I'll say mummy's milk for a while
The other problem I have is we are moving home in 4 weeks so I do wonder if should wait until a few weeks after then to stop. It's a lot of change all at once otherwise?

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OhToBeASeahorse · 27/01/2021 12:14

Hi OP. So my two cents for what it's worth...
There is a big debate about sleeping. The one camp says sleeping through is a developmental milestone and cannot be controlled. The other is that actually beyond the age of 6 months or so it can be and that it is just a matter of habits.

Both are theories. Both will spout evidence but I dont believe either can be proven. It comes down to what you are comfortable doing.

The plural of anecdotes doesnt equal data but I night weaned at 8 months and did gentle sleep training. He was not EVER left to cry. He slept through at 9 months and honestly it did my mental health the world of good.

You have to do what you are comfortable with and ignore anyone that says you are doing it 'wrong'.

If you want practical advice... I set a time limit in the first few days. If he woke less than 6 hours after his last feed I got him back to sleep using other means. It took 3 nights and then he was perfectly happy. It took another 6 weeks or so for him to be sleeping through.

Original poster
Horehound · 27/01/2021 12:16

Yeh I will send my DH in but he just cries! Lol poor DS and DH they are going to have a rocky road. I think the worst one is the feed before bed. I guess we could try a cup of milk before bed though eeek

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 27/01/2021 12:17

You've got to be ready to do it because otherwise in the middle of the night when you're exhausted and half asleep you will just take the road of least resistance which is to feed them.

God it's awful. I am absolutely DONE with night feeding my 2.5yo but it's taken me until this age to be resolute about it, I've never managed to stick to any attempt I've made before. It's not going hugely well Hmm but to be fair, we did put a spanner in the works and swap his bedroom with his brother at the weekend, so I am making allowances. But I think by the end of this week at the latest I'm going to start powering through again. I am pregnant again and my milk supply has tanked so him trying to feed multiple times through the night is agony as his toddler jet engine suction attacks my empty milk ducts Hmm

If he does keep waking up, I am thinking at least I'll have a fair excuse to make DH do half the night wakings. Currently sending DH in just winds him up and then he ends up wide awake so I'm thinking once he isn't expecting milk it will be better.

Megan2018 · 27/01/2021 12:17

I would wait until after the 18 month sleep regression tbh, I don’t fancy that without boobs in play!
My friends are having a dreadful time with it, so it seems the wrong time to try to me.

Original poster
Horehound · 27/01/2021 12:18

@OhToBeASeahorse ok thank you. What gentle method did you use?
To get him down initially I did Jo frost's sleep separation technique of sitting on the floor and moving away and now I have made it to the hall and he does fall asleep well and makes no noise. But then he wakes every 2-3 hours ..

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Sexnotgender · 27/01/2021 12:19

It’s not guaranteed but it will definitely help.

My husband did the night wakings during weaning and it was maybe 3/4 nights of DS being unsettled but he was cuddled and rocked and very quickly settled.