To feel distraught about my housing situation

[everylittlehelpss]

I'm living in damp, mouse infested temporary accommodation miles away from work/nursery with my 2 year old son - I can't help but constantly think about what I should have had and how I've failed him.

Before I got pregnant at 22 I had finished my degree and was working full time in a job I loved, earning enough to save quite a bit each month after paying rent and bills. I've worked since I was 15 and have been saving for a mortgage since I moved out at 16.

My abusive ex and father of my son financially drained me and left me homeless midway through my pregnancy. I'm now working part time as I can't afford to pay for full time nursery and have no way of saving ANYTHING. I can barely get by at the moment and that's including all entitlements to universal credit.

At times I feel genuinely hopeless and can't even begin to think of a better future. The waiting list for council housing in my area is around 6 years and even then it's likely to be a flat in a high rise. I should be grateful but I can't help being so resentful of people with houses and gardens who have never worked a day in their life. The housing officer even suggested I would be better off not working as I will be seen as "more in need".

I just feel like I've tried so hard but have fucked it all up. I never wanted this for my child as it's how I grew up but here we are.

I'm sorry that you've ended up in this situation, and nobody should. But you lost me when you started judging others as less deserving than you are.

Ignore that poster.

Your drive and ambition will see you through again

Just get a full time job when the child goes to school

YANBU to be unhappy about your situation and lack of social housing. YABU to be resentful of those living in those houses.

OP you have a degree behind you. Might not help now, but in the future that will make a massive difference. Ignore that first poster.....

Good luck 💐

@CoronaIsWatching

Just get a full time job when the child goes to school

You should go into comedy. It’s just not as easy as that and I say that as someone who was a single parent for 9 years before I married. You do know that childcare is pretty expensive outside of school times don’t you?

Feeling distraught isn't going to achieve anything though. Yes, you've had a raw deal from your ex but you need to just do your best to improve things. No point resenting others. You can only control your own life.

Try improving your current circumstances. What have you done about the mouse infestation and damp?
Have you discussed with the Landlord? Why is it damp - is it due to condensation or rising damp or what?
If you know what has caused it, what are the remedies?
What do you mean by temporary accommodation? Is someone trying to find you alternative accommodation?

Focus on what you can do to improve things. One good thing in your life is that you no longer have an abusive partner. That is something to be very pleased about.

You are where you are due to the choices you've made, both good and bad. And, you know what - most of your choices are good ones. You are hard working, you're educated, you got yourself and your child away from a horrible, abusive bloke (exact opposite of failing as a mum), you are housed and you're surviving through a pandemic. Chances are it will never be harder than it is now. Within a year your child will be getting free nursery hours, then school. You'll be able to work more, maybe get your council flat, maybe rent the house you want.

You are just starting. Most 24 year olds dont have their own house and garden - a room in a shared house is more usual - so you're not being left behind just yet. You just need to keep the faith a bit longer.

What is your degree in op? Would it be feasible for you to do a pgce or a masters qualification to make your career goals more easy to reach?

Your son is two. That means that not long and he will soon be three. At which point the free nursery hours will kick in ything will become a little easier.

It still won’t be easy - I can’t say that - but it will be easier.

January is a miserable month for everyone - it is cold and dark and this year we are in lockdown. This is the worst it is going to be. By next month the world is going to look a little brighter.

When you are going through hell - keep going.

Wow! So you left home at 16 and managed to put yourself through a degree, get a job and start saving for a mortgage! Many many people that age are still rubbing the sleep from their eyes!!! You are clearly a force to be reckoned with. But youth comes with inexperience and I suspect that was how you ended up with your future detailed by the horrible ex.
Ok, the good news is you have time on your side, there are people in your position ten or twenty years down the track with little prospect of ever climbing up. That's not you.
Your son will be small for only a short time. He is your family and your ally, involve him in all that you do as much as possible.. This will bond you and give him life skills, so he can be as independent as possible for when you start to branch out, accept this is the time when you invest all that intelligence into this wonderful new person,. Then when he can get a nursery place and onto school you will have more time to do something else. Flexible jobs like virtual pa can fit into school run, and with a degree you will have good skills to put towards something like that.
I think it's ok to grieve the life you were heading towards, but try not to dwell because all that energy is needed for putting into a new plan.
What rl support do you have? Can you connect with other mums in similar position who you could share companionship and maybe childcare with (after covid etc)
I have been in the pits before and absolutely keep talking to people anyone and everyone about what you want, someone will recognise that drive and open a door to opportunity, one thing does lead to another. Meanwhile you are not defined by your temporary house, this is not you, this will be the tale you tell when you are somewhere else entirely.

@Moondust001

I'm sorry that you've ended up in this situation, and nobody should. But you lost me when you started judging others as less deserving than you are.

Well I'm sorry but someone who has worked their entire life and contributed towards society and is temporarily down on their luck is more deserving of help from the tax system that they have paid into than someone who has never bothered their arse to work at all. And before you get all pernickity, I'm talking about the won't work brigade, not the can't work. I've grown up in a family of the former since I was born and there is a world of difference between them and people who can't work due to ill health or temporary circumstances.

@Moondust001

I'm sorry that you've ended up in this situation, and nobody should. But you lost me when you started judging others as less deserving than you are.

Completely agree with this sorry. You have no idea why people who don’t work don’t. The system puts disabled people above those with children and so they should. No judgment but you chose to have a child they didn’t choose to be disabled.

Phone your Health Visitor and tell them the accommodation isn't safe or suitable and they will put the pressure on with the housing team

Have you got any family you can stay with??

What is your degree in OP? Depending on what it is, you need to come up with a plan towards a well paying full time job. No idea where you are and what sort of job you have but in your situation I would be aiming to find the smallest flat possible but in an ok state and an ok area.

You're in the perfect position to start all over again in any part of the country you want to!

See it as an opportunity. What is your degree in? What do you want to do with your life?

I understand your resentment OP, and I feel the same (similar situation but older and no kids).

It is very true that some people fall on their feet financially, usually through generous parents. These people haven't done anything personally to deserve e.g. a house deposit, but will speak about it as if they have, and as if they're morally better than those that haven't had the same opportunities that they have had through a simple accident of birth. (Oh, I could never share a toilet with strangers. I couldn't put up with it like you do (because clearly it's a moral failing that I live in a shared house). Well guess what, I wouldn't have to put up with it either if my mother had gifted me a three bedroom house! )

And it's all very well saying you shouldn't focus on others and their circumstances, but if you're scared and cold, don't know what's going to become of you, or are being nibbled by mice as per the OP yes you do start to brood on the unfairness of the world. Not noble maybe, but true.

This is only temporary. You will get through it and it will be better.
If it was me I would keep working even if only part time so that you don’t find it daunting going back into work once your child is in school. I am sure someone will be more knowledgeable but I think you can be considered homeless if your house is in such a poor state and that should help you get somewhere else, it isn’t something I know about to be able to advise you about.

Well saidJovial preaching is missing the point, there are many who have housing assistance and socially, morally, ethically etc deserve it. Buy op isn't giving the side eye to anyone personally, she, like us all, knows there are those who won't work and are in better circumstances than herself who has grafted from a young age and no further forward. This really isn't the key to her predicament, so much as a symptom of how low she feels. Let's put aside our judgement of her briefly-summarised-on-an internet-thread-and-therefore-lacking-nuance attitude whether she may or may not have been judgemental, and offer something constructive to a young lady who is feeling very low and trying to support herself and her son in, let's be honest, trying circumstances.

Incidentally op, the environmental health department of your local council have the powers to force landlords to improve sub standard accommodation and that is whether it is private or public rented. They would inspect, advise you what to do, help you draft letter, require landlord to fix problems and if the landlord was resistant they could force them to do it. So, it would be worth calling them for a chat. They will give loads of helpful advice/assistance

Well I'm sorry but someone who has worked their entire life and contributed towards society and is temporarily down on their luck is more deserving of help from the tax system that they have paid into than someone who has never bothered their arse to work at all. And before you get all pernickity, I'm talking about the won't work brigade, not the can't work. I've grown up in a family of the former since I was born and there is a world of difference between them and people who can't work due to ill health or temporary circumstances.

Unless the OP knows every single person in social housing and their circumstances, then they certainly have no right to judge someone else's position - they don't know whether they have ever worked or why they may not be working now.

Not that I would, because I happen to believe all people are entitled to safe and decent housing and a reasonable standard of living, but if I wanted to (and the media and government often do!) I could point out that I have worked all my life for 40* years, never claimed any benefit, never relied on social housing and I am fed up of the feckless single parents who expect nice council houses and free childcare but claim benefits and only work enough to claim. I actually really wouldn't do that - but the OP is not in a good position to be throwing stones at other peoples glass houses when she's in one herself.

Most people work hard, but you need to make good desicions too. Most people make a bad decision or two or have bad luck - that's life. Begrudging other people who are possibly in an even shitter position isn't going to help you out of your situation.

It doesn’t make it feel any better now, but it’s quite normal to struggle at first but things will get better for you. You’re clearly smart, driven and making your own way in the world and things will become easier as your DS grows up and needs les childcare. In the long term you will be better off and serial benefit claimants will be stuck right where they are right now.

As and example, I was also pregnant with DS at 22 and the first few years were a huuuuge struggle despite DH and I being together. Now DS is 11 and we have a very lovely lifestyle.

This focus is missing the point and is just derailing the thread. Let's be constructive shall we.

I can’t work and have a council house. I can’t work because of my autism and coexisting issues. Didn’t mean I shouldn’t have a house just because I can’t work but the real issue is there isn’t enough social housing which then Makes those in need turn against each other trying to decide who is most in need and most deserving and feeling resentment when that anger should be directed at those who can and should do something about the dire social housing situation.

OP do you have a local law society who coukd advise you for free they often deal with housing issues