To feel distraught about my housing situation

[everylittlehelpss]

I'm living in damp, mouse infested temporary accommodation miles away from work/nursery with my 2 year old son - I can't help but constantly think about what I should have had and how I've failed him.

Before I got pregnant at 22 I had finished my degree and was working full time in a job I loved, earning enough to save quite a bit each month after paying rent and bills. I've worked since I was 15 and have been saving for a mortgage since I moved out at 16.

My abusive ex and father of my son financially drained me and left me homeless midway through my pregnancy. I'm now working part time as I can't afford to pay for full time nursery and have no way of saving ANYTHING. I can barely get by at the moment and that's including all entitlements to universal credit.

At times I feel genuinely hopeless and can't even begin to think of a better future. The waiting list for council housing in my area is around 6 years and even then it's likely to be a flat in a high rise. I should be grateful but I can't help being so resentful of people with houses and gardens who have never worked a day in their life. The housing officer even suggested I would be better off not working as I will be seen as "more in need".

I just feel like I've tried so hard but have fucked it all up. I never wanted this for my child as it's how I grew up but here we are.

We all make decisions which result in consequences. You made a bad decision with your ex. It happens, but you are living with the consequences.
You have a degree behind you and what sounds like a good work ethic. This situation is temporary. Things will get better. Speak to environmental health and your health visitor regarding your living conditions. I’m not sure if you are envious of people in social housing in houses, or people who have their own houses and gardens?
If it is people in social housing with houses and gardens, they too would have been in a similar place to where you are now. You don’t know their individual circumstances.
Chin up

Once 30 hour free funding for childcare kicks in when your son is 3 you will be significantly better off.

You've had lots of great advice from PP. Please try to stay positive when you can. You've done amazingly well in life: degree/ good job/ saving. You'll get there again..

My niece had a surprise baby at age 20- father decided against being involved- she struggled but got a council house, dragged herself through college, then university and is now in her teacher training year. Her son is now 9 and she is in a great place: has a lovely partner and planning her future. I know she had hard, hard times emotionally but she got there, you will too.

@selectivemutism well said. The problem here is that there is nowhere near enough social housing. We shouldn’t have people waiting years and years in temporary accommodation. Over the years governments have sold off social housing and not invested in what is left or building more.

OP in your situation I would find it hard not to be resentful too. I think it is a bit unfair people have picked up on one line in your post.

In practical terms - if the housing condition is that bad you may be able to challenge it’s suitability. Looks at Shelter’s website for information.

In terms of work - ignore what the housing officer said, for all sorts of reasons you’re better off working. In a couple of years DC will be at school and it’ll get easier.

You sound determined and resilient. It is tough right now but those qualities will see you through.

op life seems dark and hopeless right now,so take every hour at a time.try not to think of what you don't have,think of what you do have,a beautiful son who is healthy,you are young,intelligent and hard working with ambition.focus on your life,write a list of what you want to achieve,however small or large and tick them off as you achieve them.your son will not notice his surroundings as much as he will notice how his mum feels,and seeing you be positive and focussed will be something he will inherit from you.
Don't look at other people and what they have,this is your life path they have theirs.
You will come through this a stronger person .you will succeed.you know you can do this.

Is your ex paying child maintenance ?

Thankyou to everyone who offered advice! I will contact environment health again in the morning. I've spoken with the landlord and the council 13 times altogether and nothing has been done because of COVID. I contacted environmental health last April but I was told in June there is a huge backlog and they will be in contact when they can.

I obviously don't have a problem with disabled people being housed! There's a huge difference between people who chose not to work and people who can't. I realise I probably didn't put it across very well.

My friends mum has never worked and has 5 children (3 are now adults who also don't work and have been housed in nice flats/houses). She has a 3 story house in a new build estate and openly laughs at people "paying thousands to live here". The majority of her friends are the same. Of course I know not everyone in social housing is like that, it just makes me feel hopeless that those who really are trying hard to better their lives are treated the same, if not worse.

I'm not usually so negative but right now I just feel completely worn down and yes, very jealous of pretty much anyone with a nice place to go home to.

Forget what other people have/do. Resentment will keep you where you are now.
Call environmental health about the damp and mouse infestation. You need to get proactive. Writing letters, calling the council, pester, pester every day if you need to.
In life, we make good choices and bad choices. It’s a gamble, but you can change things by focusing on sorting your housing situation out first. Is there any chance you could move elsewhere and start afresh?

OP so sorry your having a hard time but just keep telling yourself this is temporary and it will get better. You sound very hardworking and honest you should be proud of yourself.

It’s understandable you would feel resentful towards people abusing and taking advantage of the benefits system. Ignore the nasty comments, it’s obvious you weren’t talking about EVERYONE in nice council houses with gardens.

Op I don't mean in anyway shape or form to sound patronising. They'll come a time in the future you'll look back at this all fondly. You've got much better days ahead. When my son turned 3 and I got the 30hours it made such a difference. I'll never understand why the system is set up to discourage people from working.

I'm currently in another borough quite far from where I'm originally from. I don't think I could cope moving even further away from friends and the little family I have left. I also love my job and would love to go back full time when I'm able to. It doesn't pay very well but is flexible and I have a very understanding employer and colleagues

No, ex is not paying maintenance. Going through CSA is only going to get me £7 a week and as he's only just stopped harassing me I don't think it would be worth the backlash

Well I'm sorry but someone who has worked their entire life and contributed towards society and is temporarily down on their luck is more deserving of help from the tax system that they have paid into than someone who has never bothered their arse to work at all

I don't disagree but OP is 24 with a 2 year old, she has likely barely paid any tax at all. (not commenting in any way on OP and her needs, not my business)

Are you sure you wouldn't be better off working full time - yes nursery is more but you would earn more. From age 3 you get far more help with fees too. Could you work extra at home otherwise. I wouldn't assume getting social housing, speak to the hosting department about help with deposit and guarantor schemes for private rentals. Not sure where you are in the country but living in a less expensive area might be a long term plan, buying as a single person is far easier

Ps I'm from London but live 200 miles away, it's too expensive for single people now

@AwaAnBileYerHeid, your distinction between the "deserving" and "undeserving" poor is offensive and divisive. A lot of people who have never worked have no chance of ever finding work.

OP, if the council have placed you in temporary accommodation that is as rank as yours sounds, then get on their case about sorting the damp and vermin and don't let up. The temp accommodation officer should be your starting point, and if you get nowhere with them, the environmental health department is your next port of call. (FYI, I once worked for a council where an EHO threatened to issue disrepair proceedings against their own council - that got them sorting out the problem pdq!) If the council drag their feet, then get your local councillor and MP involved, start a formal complaint and that doesn't resolve things, complain to the ombudsman.

Remember that in situations like this, those who shout loudest get best results.

I really feel for you, I used to work with homeless families and some of the properties they have been placed in have been utterly vile.

Are you bidding on properties? If you've been placed in TA because you were homeless, or about to be, you will be very high priority for housing. That may well cut down your waiting time. A lot of councils are building council homes and housing associations are also getting more funding for new homes than they have for a long time. When they're built, lots of families will get rehoused all at once. When that happens, some homes go to those with relatively low priority.

I'm not surprised you're feeling shit about your situation, but this is won't last forever. When your DS gets free nursery hours, that will help, and when he starts school, that will help even more. You'll be able to work more hours and with your degree, you're better placed than most to get a better paying job and progress in a career.

This too will pass, and things will improve. Just try and see it as a bad patch and you will come out the other side.

What degree do you have? Maybe someone could help point you in the right direction/ help put a plan together

Its only temporary, keep pestering the landlord.

Sounds very tough and depressing

Easier said than done but can you start again somewhere else in the UK where housing might be more affordable/less oversubscribed?

Is a private rental with UC top up not an option instead of waiting for a high rise?

@LakieLady "your distinction between the "deserving" and "undeserving" poor is offensive and divisive. A lot of people who have never worked have no chance of ever finding work.".

You find it offensive.... And...? What do you want me to do about the fact that you've chosen to take offence at my opinion?

I spent my childhood growing up in a family of people who chose not to work. Always one excuse or another not to get a job or once forced into a job by way of benefit sanctions, would find a reason to give it up and not work again for god knows how long. I've experienced that lifestyle first hand. If someone is able to work then they should be working or at least genuinely looking for a job, benefits should never be a lifestyle choice. Unless you think it would be ok if I decided that I didn't fancy working ever again so jacked in my job and decided to let you and others pay your taxes to fund me through life?

The fact that you don't seem to understand the distinction between those who can work but choose not to and those who genuinely cannot work shows just how out of touch with the whole issue you really are.

I feel for you, but perpetuating this narrative about people living the high life on benefits and ‘openly laughing’ at people who work etc only helps keep the tories in power, which is the root cause of the wealth gap. While ever people are more concerned with someone somewhere getting an undeserved free ride than with the millions of people who struggle and get nowhere they will never vote for a party that will address the damage caused by austerity.

OP you are still very young and have loads of time to bounce back from this. What is your degree in and what area do you work in? There are lots of people on here who might be able to give you some good career advice on how to maximise you income and stay flexible for DS. Your little boy wont remember anything about these years other than the time and love you gave him. Focus on increasing your income for the later years when money will be more important to what choices and he and you have.

Remember that in situations like this, those who shout loudest get best results

Actually those that shout the loudest can get removed from the housing list altogether for harassing staff.

Sorry for your situation. Just wanted to add that you can claim your nursery costs back from UC, you get 85% back

This sounds so tough BUT you have a long life ahead of you and I promise it will get better. Then you'll be able to look back and see how far you have come. It sounds silly but you learn so much being in these awful situations and you will be so proud of yourself when you manage to move along.