Should I let my daughters father into her life?

[elizabea]

I wrote a question on here ages ago about my daughters father & the answers where really helpful- but I’ve forgotten the login details.

I met my daughters father when I was 19. I was in a bad place (dropped out of school etc) & moved to Morocco (he’s moroccan). We dated for a couple of months & he started becoming controlling (telling me what I could wear/ who I could talk to etc). I broke up with him. A few days later he saw he in the street & started following me & shouting his name. I ignored him & kept walking. He grabbed my arm & when I tried to get away he spat in my face. He then walked off & left me. He started sending me messages threatening me.
Fast forward 6 months & I was in another bad place. He started contacting me again- being really nice. After a few months we became friends again. & a few more months after that we were back in a relationship. (I really can’t emphasise enough what an awful time this was for me- I can’t believe I let him back in my life but it also shows how clever & manipulative he can be).
Anyway we were in a relationship for another 6 months & he was truly the perfect boyfriend during this time. He didn’t put a foot wrong once. He was like a completely different person.
I then decided to go back to the Uk to work for a while & the day before my flight I found out I was pregnant. I went back to the Uk anyway as I needed to work & save money.
During this time he was awful. He wanted me to get an abortion, he became very controlling again (telling me who I could talk to/ what I could wear etc) & was trying to force me into converting to Islam. It was an awful time. I understand his stress too- it’s illegal to have children out of wedlock in Morocco, his family would have gone crazy if they knew he was having a baby out of wedlock, we didn’t have any money, his job wasn’t stable (although he works very hard) & we couldn’t find anywhere to live.
Luckily at 7/8 months pregnant I came to my senses & left him.
He can’t come to the Uk to see our daughter because of visas & I refuse to ever take her to Morocco because he has to give his permission for her to leave again & I don’t even slightly trust him.
He really really wants to be in contact with our daughter. I let him video call her sometimes.
I’m just so confused in what the right thing to do is. She’s 2 now but I’ve been keeping contact to a minimum because I just don’t trust him.
I’m terrified that I’m going to do the wrong thing & my daughter will hate me for it later in life.
I love being a mum so much. It has healed me in so many ways. I love my daughter so much. We have an incredible relationship. I feel so lucky every day.
I just want to do what’s best for her. If him having a relationship with her is the right thing, I will put my feelings & experiences aside. No one in my family will give me their opinion because they say I have to decide myself.

What is the right thing to do for my daughter

In short: nope. He's aggressive and controlling and I can't see why you stayed in touch with him. Tbh, I feel you'd be doing your child a favour if you drop all contact now.

No. He'll want to control her like he wanted to you.

Absolutely not.

He has been abusive to you. How can you risk he won't be again. Or to her.

What's more, you said you were in a bad place a couple of times. This is only a short time on, what 2 and a half years? This is hardly anything. You are still vulnerable. You need to be far, far stronger before even entertaining the possibility of letting him near you both.

Sounds like he is controlling and abusive, each time you are around him you get swept back into it. You are doing the best for her by being a great mum. I doubt your daughter would hate you by protecting her from a father that is controlling and abusive.

His controlling. If he can't come to you no way do you take her to him. He will likely stop you leaving. Personally I would cut ties. If you went to visit him you also need to consider if its possible he could have you arrested if a child out of wedlock is illegal. If his on the birth certificate he has rights but if not he doesn't. I think you know what's best in this situation. Your daughter can decide in later life if she wants a relationship with him.

He can have a relationship with her - by letter. And maybe one day he can visit her in the uk. But you go there? No, that's crazy.

No way. He might take her. He's not going to have changed that much. By letter / teams maybe. Nothing else.

In all honesty, I wouldn't give him your postal address either. It's not unheard of for fathers to ask people from their culture who are in the UK to "rescue" their children and return them to foreign lands.

Contact is purely for the benefit of the child, not the adults. From what you've said your DD's father isn't in a position to build a meaningful relationship with her anyway.

You say he works hard - does he send you any money for DD? I think that would give you some clue as to whether he genuinely wants what's best for her or if he just wants the badge of being dad without taking any actual responsibility for her.

Dont even consider taking her there. Never go there again.

The right and only sensible thing to do is to keep contact at a distance and at an absolute minimum. Agree with others not to give him any details about your whereabouts. I doubt if she will hate you and, if she ever does, it will be fleeting. You are protecting her from worse. It is quite reasonable as you live in different countries- not the same as if he was a lovely chap living in the next street.

I would stick to email/FaceTime contact fit the foreseeable future, do not ever visit there (and be wary of visiting other countries who might be sympathetic to a Moroccan court order for him to have residency, in many Middle Eastern countries men get sole custody. Once she is older she can choose to meet him once he can afford to come to the U.K. to visit

Jesus, do not ever let him have any alone time with her, and never take her to Morocco. He is abusive, and from what you’ve said, taking your daughter wouldn’t bother him in the slightest.

Do not give out your address! Set up a PO Box if he ever wants to send a birthday card etc.

Well it's sensible not to take her there and only allow supervised access if he were to visit in the U.K. but at the end of the day you knowingly had a child with someone living in a different country of a vastly different culture. That's on you both, not your child. It isn't fair to deny her a relationship with her father because of the choices you made? You say you "Allow him to video call sometimes" which is controlling in itself?

You both need to have an adult conversation about the medium to long term future and his you high see it working?

Personally I wouldn't let him have any contact at all.
You don't want him making up bullshit about what happened and painting you as the bad guy.
When she is old enough I would explain why you did this.
Don't trust him.

He spat in your face?

That's all anyone needs to know about him.

Your daughter has a loving mother.

She does not need an abusive father in her life.

Do not give your address to him.

He is not to be trusted.

Do you really want his presence in your life for the next 16 years.

Alternatively give him an email address so that he can keep you updated on where he lives and allow your daughter to choose when she reaches adulthood.

Stay away from him.

No he sounds abusive , you were lucky to be able to go back home and have time to come back to your senses. Think what position you would be in now if you hadn't left

You say you "Allow him to video call sometimes" which is controlling in itself?

I wouldn't say protecting your child from the kind of man who would spit in the face of his child's mother is controlling.

He wanted you to have an abortion. He cannot acknowledge your daughter in his home country as her existence there is illegal. Most importantly he is abusive and dangerous.

I would feel absolutely no qualms about cutting him off altogether. Or at least maintain contact in the limited and supervised way you have at present. When she's older she can hear your side and decide for herself if she wants a relationship with him. But I think she'd be better off without.

Tbh .. I would block him on every avenue..

He is abusive, the fact you have a dd is even more of a concern.

None of this will end well.

There isn't a good way to co-parent here sadly and I agree don't take her to visit him. Would he agree to a face time at a regular time each week?

@SnuggyBuggy

There isn't a good way to co-parent here sadly and I agree don't take her to visit him. Would he agree to a face time at a regular time each week?

I tried that but he didn't turn up because he was sleeping... he said he wants to call whenever he wants to/ feels like it

@ivfbeenbusy

Well it's sensible not to take her there and only allow supervised access if he were to visit in the U.K. but at the end of the day you knowingly had a child with someone living in a different country of a vastly different culture. That's on you both, not your child. It isn't fair to deny her a relationship with her father because of the choices you made? You say you "Allow him to video call sometimes" which is controlling in itself?

You both need to have an adult conversation about the medium to long term future and his you high see it working?

I completely get what you're saying but I was actually told I could never have children- so I never thought it was even a possibility

Call his bluff, if it's not convenient it's not convenient. Don't bend over backwards for him. Most disagree but I think a shit dad can be a lot worse than no dad.

He is trying to control you again. Please don’t allow him to.