Should I let my daughters father into her life?

[elizabea]

I wrote a question on here ages ago about my daughters father & the answers where really helpful- but I’ve forgotten the login details.

I met my daughters father when I was 19. I was in a bad place (dropped out of school etc) & moved to Morocco (he’s moroccan). We dated for a couple of months & he started becoming controlling (telling me what I could wear/ who I could talk to etc). I broke up with him. A few days later he saw he in the street & started following me & shouting his name. I ignored him & kept walking. He grabbed my arm & when I tried to get away he spat in my face. He then walked off & left me. He started sending me messages threatening me.
Fast forward 6 months & I was in another bad place. He started contacting me again- being really nice. After a few months we became friends again. & a few more months after that we were back in a relationship. (I really can’t emphasise enough what an awful time this was for me- I can’t believe I let him back in my life but it also shows how clever & manipulative he can be).
Anyway we were in a relationship for another 6 months & he was truly the perfect boyfriend during this time. He didn’t put a foot wrong once. He was like a completely different person.
I then decided to go back to the Uk to work for a while & the day before my flight I found out I was pregnant. I went back to the Uk anyway as I needed to work & save money.
During this time he was awful. He wanted me to get an abortion, he became very controlling again (telling me who I could talk to/ what I could wear etc) & was trying to force me into converting to Islam. It was an awful time. I understand his stress too- it’s illegal to have children out of wedlock in Morocco, his family would have gone crazy if they knew he was having a baby out of wedlock, we didn’t have any money, his job wasn’t stable (although he works very hard) & we couldn’t find anywhere to live.
Luckily at 7/8 months pregnant I came to my senses & left him.
He can’t come to the Uk to see our daughter because of visas & I refuse to ever take her to Morocco because he has to give his permission for her to leave again & I don’t even slightly trust him.
He really really wants to be in contact with our daughter. I let him video call her sometimes.
I’m just so confused in what the right thing to do is. She’s 2 now but I’ve been keeping contact to a minimum because I just don’t trust him.
I’m terrified that I’m going to do the wrong thing & my daughter will hate me for it later in life.
I love being a mum so much. It has healed me in so many ways. I love my daughter so much. We have an incredible relationship. I feel so lucky every day.
I just want to do what’s best for her. If him having a relationship with her is the right thing, I will put my feelings & experiences aside. No one in my family will give me their opinion because they say I have to decide myself.

What is the right thing to do for my daughter

I will go against the grain here and say that you should probably maintain a level of contact for your daughters sake.

By that I mean sending him email updates occasionally, perhaps FaceTimes perhaps short calls occasionally. He could write her emails etc.

I wouldn’t give him any details of your whereabouts nor would I ever take her to visit him.

But your daughter has a right to know her heritage, she has a right to understand what makes up half of her DNA and background.

I would absolutely proceed with caution and it would be limited and very much on the basis of him showing respect for your boundaries. For example you talk about your child only, there are no discussions re your life or emotions or anything like that.

You of course have to prioritise your safety and the safety of your child, but I do also know from experience that it can be incredibly damaging to grow up not knowing half of your identify.

That’s not to say your daughter woudknt be absolutely fine without knowing anything about her dad nor having a relationship but there is a very real chance it will cause her to have unresolved issues when she grows up.

I tried that but he didn't turn up because he was sleeping... he said he wants to call whenever he wants to/ feels like it

I think that shows his level of commitment and how interested he is. Presumably you originally chose a time that was convenient to both of you but he then just couldn’t be bothered. He is still trying to control you rather than being a loving and interested dad!

I'd be terrified he'll try and kidnap her down the track. He honestly sounds like that sort of a person.

I tried that but he didn't turn up because he was sleeping... he said he wants to call whenever he wants to/ feels like it

This makes me think he just wants to control you and do what he wants all the time. Of course he can’t call whenever he feels like it, you have a life. I would quietly change numbers and stop responding to him, he sounds horrible.

I think it sounds as though he is potentially using your child to control and manipulate you.

I'd be tempted to stop all contact if he cannot respect your boundaries and block him on social media etc. I'd be worried he might be able to trace your whereabouts otherwise.

He is abusive. He could be a danger to you and your daughter, so keep him away. You can give her age appropriate information as she grows up, making clear what he was like and why he has been kept at a distance what the situation was in Morocco at the time of your pregnancy and what he has been like since. Then she can make up her own mind on contacting him or not when she is grown up.

No OP. He is a bully and has treated you like shit. He could use your child to hurt you. If he ever had contact he could take her and refuse to give her back. Never would I trust him. Block all contact for your daughters sake.

Your daughter has the right to contact and you should support this until she is able to make decisions herself.

Set up a regular call at a time convenient to him but then nothing extra outside of that, set up an email address and send him a monthly update on her and help her reply with drawing etc if she wants.

Set up a Po box for him to write to her if their culture celebrate things with cards etc I expect that will be important to them both.

See if you can find something local for your daughter from her other culture to explore like a language class or cookery when shes older so that she has a link to her culture if not her family.

Just be careful not to reveal where you live, if he does manage to come over then meet him somewhere you don't live and do the touristy stuff with your daughter together. And only share photos that don't have landmarks or are when you're on holiday or when she's in fancy dress etc.

@CarelessSquid07A

Your daughter has the right to contact and you should support this until she is able to make decisions herself.

Set up a regular call at a time convenient to him but then nothing extra outside of that, set up an email address and send him a monthly update on her and help her reply with drawing etc if she wants.

Set up a Po box for him to write to her if their culture celebrate things with cards etc I expect that will be important to them both.

See if you can find something local for your daughter from her other culture to explore like a language class or cookery when shes older so that she has a link to her culture if not her family.

Just be careful not to reveal where you live, if he does manage to come over then meet him somewhere you don't live and do the touristy stuff with your daughter together. And only share photos that don't have landmarks or are when you're on holiday or when she's in fancy dress etc.

I've considered all of these options too... but if she builds a relationship with him throughout her life, he will definitely play a big part in her life when she's older- & I worry about her safety/ if he'll try & control or manipulate her.

I tried that but he didn't turn up because he was sleeping... he said he wants to call whenever he wants to/ feels like it

So he can't even stick to a scheduled facetime? I'd sack him off now, while your daughter is still young enough not to understand that she isn't a priority to him whatsoever. If she was, he'd be making an effort to build a relationship and paying you child maintenance (assuming he isn't). Like a previous post said, a shit dad can be a lot worse than no dad. He sounds like an abusive controlling shit, who is now trying to use your daughter to exert some control over you. She's better off without him in my opinion.

I'd be worried when she was older, him persuading her to contact him outside of supervised contact and then persuading her to meet or reveal your address.
I remember reading a story about 3 teenage sisters being lured to meet their father and he took them to Yemen and married them off.
Honestly, you know he's abusive. What good can he bring to her life?
You are fortunate that you can stop him contacting her, many women with abusive ex's are forced by the courts to facilitate access for an abuser.

No he has giving you plenty of reasons not to trust him, you'd be crazy to ignore those lessons.
He has manipulated you on more than one occasion don't doubt yourself or you'll most likely live to regret it.

I think its likely he'll be able to do that anyway through social media once she's old enough.

At least this way it starts off in your control and she's more likely to hold a realistic view of him rather than dreaming big and believing all his promises when he does get in touch.

Well don’t ever take her to Morocco!

He sounds appalling and is abusive. No he cannot call her whenever he wants. Does he contribute financially??

If sends you a monthly contribution then a weekly zoom at a set time would be a fair thing to ask. But only if he turns up on time.

If he doesn’t contribute or can’t make a regular time - then no, just reduce contact to you posting a few photos couple of times a year. If your daughter wants to pick up the relationship later she can.

As PPs have said don’t give him your postal address - use a PO Box.

....

Having said this, if you think he’ll put her in danger - eg try and lure her to Morocco etc. Then just cut off contact now. Your main job as a parent is to keep your daughter safe.

I think you would benefit from the freedom project.

You need to get yourself in a good place mentally, if you are not already. As regards to the father, does he send money for her upkeep, has he sent clothes, does he enquire about her health? If not then he has not fulfilled any parental responsibility and should not be treated as such. I would never take your dd there and would probably close the door on this for now. I would make sure you have a few pictures of him and contact details so should she want to contact him or try to find him when she is older she will be able to try. In the meantime I would work on being the best mum you can be by providing, emotionally, physically and financially for your dd.

He wants to call when it is convenient for him as it is a way of controlling you. You being anxious about will/when he will call. Missing his call etc etc etc. If you do cut off contact does he have info or others in your life he could contact you through. If you do, then make sure they don't give him any info. Be careful about posting any pics that would be identifying where you are, preschool uniform, school uniform, pic on doorstep watch for the house number etc. Check what settings you have on Facebook etc