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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling resentful

41 replies

MarmaladeSandwiches88 · 26/01/2021 05:23

It's a long one but trying to give all the relevant info so not to drip feed. So DH and I had our first DD 4 months ago (I've a DS from a previous relationship). DH is a functioning alcoholic but manages to hold down a high powered, stressful job. When DD was first born he struggled to cope and was drinking to excess. Long story short we had a conversation after things came to a head and he agreed to step up more and cut back on the drinking. He still drinks to excess but he does a lot more around the house now etc. I was ill much of the pregnancy due to hyperemesis and then developed a chronic pain disorder which I still have. DH works long hours so I'm often home alone and lately I've been struggling a bit. I've been off work for nearly a year due to the hyperemesis and really missing my job. I haven't seen my family because of covid, I'm struggling to homeschool DS (whose undergoing testing for ADD), whilst managing DD and the ongoing health issues. I've secretly become quite resentful of DH as his life has barely changed since DD was born whereas mine feels completely turned upside down although I know I'm probably being irrational by feeling this way. Tonight DH came in from work at 11pm just before I was putting DD to bed. It had been a long day at home and I wasn't in great form. He offered to take DD for a bit but I said no (politely) as it was already past her bedtime. I went to bed then too and DH said he'd be up in a bit. 4am he finally comes to bed reeking of alcohol after finishing off a half bottle of vodka. Now I'm lying in bed seething and I'm not really sure why. As aforementioned, he did offer to take DD when he came in and I don't expect him to go to bed just because I'm going. But I feel really inexplicably angry that he stayed up drinking so late. I've been trying to put myself in his shoes and in fairness it can't be easy for him either coming home after a long shift to a wife with a face like a slapped arse who rejects his offer to help. But to stay up for 5 hours drinking just seems to be taking the proverbial a bit. I don't really know what I'm asking here but aibu in feeling so resentful?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/01/2021 05:31

You're married to an alcoholic. Of course you're resentful.

An alcoholic can never be a decent partner or good father. You just have to decide how long you will put up with this shit.

WitchesNest · 26/01/2021 07:07

You chose to have a child with an alcoholic. You made that decision. I don’t understand how you expected anything different, or why you thought allowing an alcoholic around your existing child was in any way a good idea let alone having another child

AnyTimeSoon · 26/01/2021 07:16

I agree with Witches. Just why? And so not ok to put your ds through that.

Pancakeorcrepe · 26/01/2021 07:19

I don’t want to be mean, but why would you want to have a child with an alcoholic? And why would you want an alcoholic living with your older child? Those are two very stupid decisions. Those poor children.

AlwaysCheddar · 26/01/2021 07:19

Why are you with him?

oohmyback · 26/01/2021 07:19

I agree with the others but also at 4 months you can put your dd down earlier and have time for yourself which will make a world of difference! I think if you want to stay you need to develop a lot of self preservation strategies and kids routine will be so important in that.

Why does he not get in until 11pm anyway?

I also have chronic pain and fatigue, I'm so sorry for you, it's hell being a parent with it.

AlwaysCheddar · 26/01/2021 07:19

Does he drive?

Ginfordinner · 26/01/2021 07:21

Not what you want to hear, but Witches is right. This won't end well.

peachypetite · 26/01/2021 07:21

You made the decision to stay with and have a child with an alcoholic. What were you expecting?

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 26/01/2021 07:23

I'm sorry, I really don't understand why you continued a relationship with someone you knew was an alcoholic and even chose to have a child with him. It was a poor decision for you and even worse for you poor son. You're not unreasonable to be unhappy, anyone would be, but you literally chose this life.

Original poster
MarmaladeSandwiches88 · 26/01/2021 07:37

@WitchesNest and @AnyTimeSoon the pregnancy wasn't planned although we had discussed children at some point. I didn't actually know the full extent of his alcohol use either as we often worked opposing shifts (I worked nights). It was only when I stopped working and saw he was drinking most evenings that I realised it was a bigger problem than I previously thought. I did voice my concerns during the pregnancy and he stopped for a while then started up again after DD was born.

OP posts:
Milssofadoesntreallyfit · 26/01/2021 07:37

Having children does affect your life and it can be hard to adjust, covid can have and has had a huge negative impact on many people. So in this sense what you feel is normal and to be expected, you will do what everyone else is doing and try your best to crack on the best way you can.
I agree with others here, married to an alcoholic is the real issue here, you have set yourself up for a lifetime of misery, it's going to be draining to just exist with him.

You should be resentful of that. Nothing else, get shot of him, you can then save your energy for getting your head around the rest.

Original poster
MarmaladeSandwiches88 · 26/01/2021 09:43

@oohmyback he's a shift worker. @AlwaysCheddar yes he drives
@Milssofadoesntreallyfit yes I think the real issue is the drinking

OP posts:
Original poster
MarmaladeSandwiches88 · 26/01/2021 12:39

Just reading through the comments properly. I completely get PPs point of view about bringing children into the situation and it is something I feel very guilty about. I genuinely had no idea the extent of it until I stopped working, though admittedly I did still know he was a problem drinker. When I got pregnant he initially really seemed to step up, and I very foolishly thought it would be the making of him. I know I've made my bed but I suppose I'm just wondering is this level of resentment normal or is the issue my inability to deal with it all

OP posts:
Godimabitch · 26/01/2021 12:46

Struggling to find any sympathy for anyone but your kids. Your DSs step dad is an alcoholic, lucky him. And you chose to bring your daughter into the world with an alcoholic father.

CSIblonde · 26/01/2021 12:47

He's an alcoholic. He needs to be addressing that. Its bound to be affecting you.But, I'd have given him DD when he said he'd take her & said great , she needs her bedtime routine doing. Why didn't you? Why does he come home from work that late, can't he delegate if he's in a high powered role, or is he really not management or just not managing his workload ? Are his work targets unrealistic & the drink is coping with that , or, has he always had alcohol issues? As a starting point this all needs establishing & a plan in place to address it. Otherwise, this will be a grim life for you: and for your children to grow up in .

Original poster
MarmaladeSandwiches88 · 26/01/2021 13:06

@Godimabitch fair point and I appreciate your candour. I probably could do with a kick up the arse. However, I'm not looking sympathy but rather asking are my feelings towards him normal. I know I've no one but myself to blame for marrying an alcoholic and bringing a child into this mess (and exposing DS). However, things aren't always black and white. If I had known the full extent of his drinking I wouldn't have dated him in the first place.
@CSIblonde I nearly had DD settled already and didn't want him over exciting her. He's fairly senior in his role but due to staff shortages he's sometimes home late. When we initially started dating he told me he had issues with alcohol years before meeting me but that he had sorted himself out and had largely cut down. I still knew he enjoyed a drink but I wasn't aware that he was drinking most nights when I was at work.

OP posts:
crazymare20 · 26/01/2021 13:09

Yes I think it’s normal to have some resentment as a mother with a new born. Women have their life’s thrown upside down when they have a child and men for some extent don’t. The lockdown is not helping as it is making the days long and having no other adult contact is hard.

With regards to your husband he needs to address his alcohol use. Children growing up in a household where a parent drinks can become pretty dire. He needs to contact a support agency to put together a reduction plan and relapse prevention.

FanciedanewnameAnne · 26/01/2021 13:12

@Aquamarine1029

You're married to an alcoholic. Of course you're resentful.

An alcoholic can never be a decent partner or good father. You just have to decide how long you will put up with this shit.

This.

Unfortunately, adding a baby to the mix will not help matters. He will either continue as before or get worse. You MUST get him to see he needs to follow a programme or get used to this as your life.

zafferana · 26/01/2021 13:14

@Aquamarine1029

You're married to an alcoholic. Of course you're resentful.

An alcoholic can never be a decent partner or good father. You just have to decide how long you will put up with this shit.

This^
Pinkdelight3 · 26/01/2021 13:14

I mean... resentful is really the least of it.

Now that you're aware that he's an alcoholic, you need to be much smarter about this. 'Cutting back' on his drinking isn't going to fix this. He's not functioning, is he? Not even slightly otherwise he'd be parenting his child. To lament that him drinking for hours is taking the piss, shows a monumental naivety about the scale of the problem you're looking at. Perhaps you're still in denial, but that's not going to cut it with 2 DC in the mix.

I honestly think you need to stop looking to him and prepare to raise both your children yourself, away from DH. He's on his own journey to rock bottom and your DC don't need to be around that when it happens.

zafferana · 26/01/2021 13:17

And I don't agree with 'I've made my bed' etc. No, you and your DC don't need to 'lie in it'. If life with an alcoholic is intolerable (no shit!), then get the hell out and take your DC with you!

nomorecrumbs · 26/01/2021 13:19

You need to join Al Anon, it’s a support group for family and friends of alcoholics.

Very normal of you to feel resentful. Don’t blame yourself however. Focus on your own life and, speaking as a child of an alcoholic, leave your DH and get some support for yourself asap, today ideally.

Santaiscovidfree · 26/01/2021 13:21

My exh was an alcoholic.. Pissed in our wardrobes most weekends. Most Mondays I had to ring in sick for him. He once nearly killed us driving drunk. I reported him for drink driving.. I filed for divorce..
Older dc didn't have to see him as per judge's decision...
You are dicing with death ime. Imagine he has your dd and you don't realise how drunk he is... Already you are making excuses not to leave her with him..

WhereamI88 · 26/01/2021 13:23

I have had alcoholics in my family. They never changed. Never. They both died in their 60s. In the last 20 years of their lives their wives couldn't go on holiday and would have to reject wedding invitations because they would just be another opportunity to get drunk and embarass themselves. Their whole lives revolved around their husbands' alcohol problem. My uncle then needed extensive care before he died too, he had so much alcohol his liver stopped working and the alcohol went to his brain and slowly poisoned him. He couldn't even remember his wife's name. This is your future. They don't change. They traumatize and damage everyone around them. You can leave or stay, but you need to take into account what kind of home life your child will have.