AIBU for feeling resentful

[MarmaladeSandwiches88]

It's a long one but trying to give all the relevant info so not to drip feed. So DH and I had our first DD 4 months ago (I've a DS from a previous relationship). DH is a functioning alcoholic but manages to hold down a high powered, stressful job. When DD was first born he struggled to cope and was drinking to excess. Long story short we had a conversation after things came to a head and he agreed to step up more and cut back on the drinking. He still drinks to excess but he does a lot more around the house now etc. I was ill much of the pregnancy due to hyperemesis and then developed a chronic pain disorder which I still have. DH works long hours so I'm often home alone and lately I've been struggling a bit. I've been off work for nearly a year due to the hyperemesis and really missing my job. I haven't seen my family because of covid, I'm struggling to homeschool DS (whose undergoing testing for ADD), whilst managing DD and the ongoing health issues. I've secretly become quite resentful of DH as his life has barely changed since DD was born whereas mine feels completely turned upside down although I know I'm probably being irrational by feeling this way. Tonight DH came in from work at 11pm just before I was putting DD to bed. It had been a long day at home and I wasn't in great form. He offered to take DD for a bit but I said no (politely) as it was already past her bedtime. I went to bed then too and DH said he'd be up in a bit. 4am he finally comes to bed reeking of alcohol after finishing off a half bottle of vodka. Now I'm lying in bed seething and I'm not really sure why. As aforementioned, he did offer to take DD when he came in and I don't expect him to go to bed just because I'm going. But I feel really inexplicably angry that he stayed up drinking so late. I've been trying to put myself in his shoes and in fairness it can't be easy for him either coming home after a long shift to a wife with a face like a slapped arse who rejects his offer to help. But to stay up for 5 hours drinking just seems to be taking the proverbial a bit. I don't really know what I'm asking here but aibu in feeling so resentful?

If he’s unwilling to recognise the problem and seek help, and you’re willing to enable this type of behaviour then more fool you. Harsh, but you have a choice here - protect your children. An alcoholic is not a good parent, their addiction will always come first until or if he decides to stop (not “cut down”) and get help. Good luck OP.

Oh great, another thread where the OP gets jumped on for her her husbands shortcomings.
Is it really fair to blame her for her husbands drinking?
Usually when you meet a potential partner you don't live with them until you already have fallen in love with them, so you're not likely to realise or notice insidious problems like alcoholism until its too late.
Also men tend to change their priorities when you get pregnant/ have a child with them because they 'have' you now so why keep up the perfect facade?

OP, I am in the same situation as you, unfortunately I also didn't realise the extent of the problem until it was too late, but just because my dh has a drinking problem doesn't mean he is bad or I am bad. and I certainly don't feel guilty for having my 4 beautiful children with him. neither should you.
your baby is so tiny, and presumably his first? This is a Massive life change for him and for you but you've been through it before, so you get it. plus you're the sahp. what I mean is he doesn't have to stop drinking because you'll always be there

I know what its like, and I've posted on here and been asked 'why did you have children with him' please don't listen to witches and her cackling hoard.

the best advice I can give is to make a journal of how much he is drinking and after a month or 2 show him.
also tell him EVERY time he has a drink that you want him to stop. I know its hard and I don't do it every time because I can't be bothered with the fall out it causes but if you start letting it go he will think he can get away with it and you'll fill up with rage. I do.
I don't know the answer, I'm 8 years in and we are still fighting. but we are fighting together. My DH is addicted. its a problem but I'm not going to leave him over it. just like he isn't going to leave me over my problems. we are working through it together and its slow but he left 4 beers in the fridge the other day which, before, he wasn't able to do. and I noticed and I thanked him. so today he bought non alcoholic beer which I noticed and gave him a round of it before he showed me the label...
please, if you want to pm me and have a rant without the witches and bitches jumping on to blame you for someone else's problem WHEN YOUVE JUST HAD A BABY then please do. I'm going through the exact same except I have no chronic pain so your situation is worse.
I also have a baby but 8 months.
please don't apologise for having your beautiful baby or for trying to make it work with anyone less than an angel for your son.

And you lot- shame on you! why stick the boot in a new mother asking for help with a complex issue? sickening.

@Godimabitch

Struggling to find any sympathy for anyone but your kids. Your DSs step dad is an alcoholic, lucky him. And you chose to bring your daughter into the world with an alcoholic father.

I'm full of sympathy for you- it must be a hard life being so much better than everyone else. hey, my friend just had a baby with someone who hasn't change a bum yet, do you want her number so you can te her its her fault too?

ps yes you are

I'm an alcoholic but am also a fantastic parent; you need to talk to your husband about schedules, that's what me and DP do

Are you still drinking @besos21?

Where am I88 - some alcoholics do change, they stop drinking and become recovering alcoholics

plus you're the sahp. what I mean is he doesn't have to stop drinking because you'll always be there

Wow. This is unreal, the children have two parents, or should have. He doesn’t have to stop drinking because there is a SAHP? What if you/the OP want to go to work, meet friends, or just go out and leave the baby with it’s other parent?

This is ludicrous.

Thank you everyone for your responses (I think it's been a suprinsingly fair balance of kindness and home truths!) Appreciate all the advice. @Santaiscovidfree oh gosh that sounds horrific. You definitely made the right call to divorce him. @grannyinapram sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. The advice about a journal is actually really good. Thank you very much for your kindness, it means a lot

I've been trying to put myself in his shoes and in fairness it can't be easy for him either coming home after a long shift to a wife with a face like a slapped arse who rejects his offer to help.

Do you see what you're doing there? You are putting the responsibility on yourself always to be happy, never to have any problems, because it might drive him to drink.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You do, however, need to think through the implications as your dd grows older and more sentient in a household where it is already established that it is the duty of the womenfolk to always be happy so as not to drive the menfolk to drink. What will that be like for her? Will she be allowed to have tantrums? Will she be allowed to worry about exams? Will she be allowed to have teenage strops? (What if they drive daddy to drink?) And what if she develops a potentially serious illness or has an accident- will she have to keep pretending she's fine so as not to worry daddy because we all know where that leads to...?
These are things you need to think about in advance.

There are also the more mundane everyday things. Will she be able to bring friends home or will she be too embarrassed?

IF (and that's a big if) you want to try to make this work with an alcoholic functioning parent, then you need to have a plan that ensures that your children do NOT feel responsible for their dad's moods or drinking, and that they are still able to have a normal, everyday life. And, very importantly, that your dd doesn't internalise that it's a woman's job to take responsibility for a man's happiness but that a man has enough dealing with his own. One day, sooner than you think, she will be choosing her boyfriend. Your choices, and how you explain them to her, will affect hers.

@corythatwas thank you so much for your informative and articulate reply. It's certainly given me food for thought. I had been trying to see things from his perspective and had been feeling a bit guilty thinking I maybe had driven him to it (on this occasion anyway) but in fairness he never normally needs a reason. I'm sure if you were to ask him though he would say it was because I was "in a mood and he couldn't face going up to bed with me". As an aside I generally am a happy person but just been a bit low lately due to the chronicity of the health issues and feelings of loneliness. You've raised an excellent point about how DD may feel she has to monitor her own behaviours when she's older. It is absolutely my job to make sure that she is not affected by his behaviours. I really don't want my marriage to end and will try my best to encourage him to get help, but ultimately the responsibility is his alone. I read an excellent quote recently which said "addiction is giving up everything for one thing. Recovery is giving up one thing for everything". I wanted to show it to DH but he's in denial and I think I probably was to an extent also prior to my original post.

Oh op, @corythatwas has hit the nail on the head totally.

You, as an adult have every right to live with whoever you choose, if you choose an alcoholic, that is up to you.
but your children have no choice, because of how this WILL affect them, you need to set the bar higher.

One day he will be looking after them and have had several drinks, you cannot always be there, you may be ill, have an unavoidable need to go somehere, have to go to hospital....Can you honestly say that you can 100 percent trust him to step in at any given moment, and keep then safe, over the next 15 years?
I realise this is hard to take in and don't mean to be harsh, but your childrens safety and development is at risk.

Firstly its very easy to judge other people when you haven't been in that situation. I am hugely sympathetic. Mine turned out to be an alcoholic. In my case I was the main earner but I remember my maternity leave well and not only because it was the first time in 20 years I had more than 2 weeks ago but because my husband used it as an excuse to drink more.
I had to leave because he descended quickly into a deeper state of alcoholism and domestic violence. I am finding al anon really helpful. There are global meetings all day every day so you should be able to find one when he's not there if you wanted to.
I wouldn't count what he drinks, he knows and you know. If you think he's been drinking he has even if he denies it. You need to be very careful leaving your baby with him. Mine offered to do the late shift so I could get some sleep and I woke up to him passed out. Alcoholics do not function. They may have jobs.... for now. I remember the days that her would come to bed at 4 and want to talk as he thought it was 9pm. I can't tell you to leave as much as you can't tell him to get help. All you can do is set boundaries that work for you and stick to them. Its a really lonely place to be so feel free to message me anytime or post. You are in my thoughts.

You chose to make your DS live with a man who you admit you knew was a “problem drinker” and to have a child with that man. Things were never ever going to end well.

Alcoholics are not good partners or parents. The best thing you can do for yourself and both your children is to leave him if he’s not willling to completely give up the booze. He’s choosing alcohol over his family, you have to choose DC over him.

Pregnancy and having children can trigger alcoholics to drink more so I wouldn't be so quick to blame OP. She may have gone from having a relationship with someone who to all intents and purposes 'likes a drink' to becoming a mother and being in a relationship with a full blown alcoholic. Someone's relationship with alcohol is not linear, it can wax and wane along with life experiences. Addiction is well known to be associated with childhood trauma, so it makes sense that one becoming a parent can trigger a whole host of memories and complicated emotions. But yes, it's not really something I'd want to be in a relationship with, addiction, I'd worry about the future impact on the children, you only have to look at the many self-help books for children of alcoholics.

Your update suggests you're still not getting just how bad this is and how much worse it will get. As long as her dad is in the house, you can't protect DD. Kids, even very young ones, pick up on what happens around them. And you can work on your marriage as much as you want but this is not on you- this is on him and him alone. You can be the perfect woman, mother, wife but as long as he is still drinking, your DD will be growing up in a house with an addict and an enabler (because by staying, doing all the parenting and wife work you are an enabling him to keep drinking).