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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really worried - child behaviour social work referral

27 replies

Cocacola12 · 25/01/2021 14:17

I’m so worried I’ve made a huge mistake and feel like a terrible parent.
I’ve struggled with my 7 year old sons behaviour for a while now, the last year it has become really difficult and in particular since mid December. I’m finding it so hard to cope, he’s extremely angry and is destructive, very impatient and generally seems to annoy his younger siblings (I know that is quite common - but I feel it’s gone beyond normal sibling annoyance) he has two younger siblings age 6 and almost 2 who don’t behave like this at all. I’ve been in contact with the GP who have said his behaviour doesn’t warrant a referral for support, and most recently his school who have agreed to pursue a referral to the school doctor and possible investigation into dyslexia (I hadn’t suspected this at all)
It all came to a head on Friday when he had a huge angry tantrum and began throwing chairs around, shouting in the 2 years old face saying he was going to kill us. I genuinely had no idea what to do. I felt so worried and stressed as I couldn’t calm him down. I called 111 as I didn’t know what else to do (I’m not very close to my mum/mil and find them really unhelpful in regards his behaviour issues) I broke down and said I have no idea how to cope any more. They were helpful in calming both of us down. They said they would make a referral to social work due to the situation. I’ve just had a call from them to say they are going to arrange a multi agency meeting with them and the school.
I’m now really worried, and feel like a complete failure, I’ve totally failed my son. Is it normal for SS to be involved in situations like this? Have I made a huge mistake. I’m so scared. I generally feel like I’m a helpful, nice person to my children and they are going to think I’m terrible. Will they take him away from me?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 25/01/2021 14:22

No they won't take him away. The MA meeting will look at what everyone's opinion is on what's going on. This should get you referals for a ED psychologist and other diagnostic services.

They will see if there's any other support that they can offer you all. SS will hurry things along and ime gets the school to get its arse in gear.

TeenagePITA · 25/01/2021 14:22

God no, I think this is an excellent step.

I have similar issues with my son, he's recently been diagnosed with ADHD, and if keeps having violent outbursts then I will be contacting social services myself.

I also have a 2 year old, you have to think of their safety.

I feel for you, but this is a very positive step.

BabyYodaYada · 25/01/2021 14:24

Social services are not the bad buys and are actually there to help and support parents with their children, not to punish them and take them away.

Hopefully this will allow your family to get the help and support they need

Eeyorehoney · 25/01/2021 14:28

They’ll give you some parenting support to build your confidence in managing your children’s behaviours as well as get other support in place eg Ed psych, spectrum disorder assessments etc

PietariKontio · 25/01/2021 14:29

I think you've no reason to berate yourself, I think this is exactly the right step, and you can hopefully get the help you need.

I agree with BabyYodaYada, the social workers and other professionals will do all they can to help, keep you all together and source the right help for you all.

Nice, good parents need help, it's not just bad, evil ones. Social workers know that more than anyone. All the best

PicaK · 25/01/2021 14:31

They're lovely. They'll help. They'll be totally on the side of helping your family. Noone wants to take kids away don't even think like that.
Don't worry about showing how it is warts and all and letting them in.

Majorlydissappointed · 25/01/2021 14:34

This will be a step towards getting you and your son help

DragonflyInn · 25/01/2021 14:36

Oh my gosh. You are the opposite of a failure. By seeking professional help you are showing that you are a great parent. Social services will hopefully help you access the right support far more than you could do alone. That’s what they are there for.

nevernotstruggling · 25/01/2021 14:36

Your son/you may be entitled to additional support through the child in need route - section 17 of the children act. It's a much more complex piece of legislation than section 47 which is about significant harm. Whilst the two appear like tiers of intervention they arnt really though cases do escalate from 17/47 in cases such as physical harm or dv.

Child in need covers all sorts of vulnerabilities and the local authority have a statutory duty to assess and support.

Please don't worry - you are not being investigated for child abuse!!

Darklylookingdeeply · 25/01/2021 14:39

Based on what you've said, unless there's something huge you are hiding, they are not going to take him away, so don't even think about that. The bar is extremely high for that
I think the sooner 'professionals' step in the better. You might get to the bottom of why he is behaving this way. There could well be something undiagnosed going on. Schools don't always pick up on things as they really don't get enough training in SEN generally. Good luck with everything OP.

SinkGirl · 25/01/2021 14:39

Absolutely agree with the others. Their role is to help you, they don’t take children with behavioural issues away from parents who ask for help. We have a disability social worker for our twins who’s just arranged some help for me in school holidays. I found it hard to admit how much I struggle but anyone would struggle in this situation.

It’s going to be absolutely fine.

Alonelonelyloner · 25/01/2021 14:41

I voted YABU, but that's just because you are worrying to much and you absolutely did the right thing starting the ball rolling with a referral. HIs behaviour sounds incredibly stressful and difficult for all of you. It isn't fair and you need helps does he. If he has difficulties with learning then it is only right that people should help him. He is not going to be taken off you. They will want the nest for all of you and to help.
I am so sorry that it is so hard. I have been there with my child and it has been an absolute lifesaver.

Buzlightyear1 · 25/01/2021 14:43

Honestly social services are not bad people they do a hard job. You have done a good thing you and your child will get the right help now. The meeting will be to look at what’s going on and how to help and move forward.

I understand how scared you are I had a situation different to yours it involved my ex who I had to call the police but then social services were involved because of this. They were amazing they really helped me and my son.

They want to keep families together, they will now be able to refer your son to whoever can help. You will be able to get support for him and you please don’t be scared of them. Good luck and remember you are a good mum that’s why you are getting him the hell he needs

mrboingboing · 25/01/2021 14:51

OP, I'm a social worker myself and have been having problems with my DSs behaviour ( currently being assessed for ADHD.) CAMHS referred me to Early Help and we now have a family worker who is amazing and has helped all of us. Take any help you can get, we all need it sometimes.

FangsForTheMemory · 25/01/2021 14:52

You did exactly the right thing. You need help and you asked for it. Social services will talk to you about how they can help you. Taking children into care is absolutely the last resort for them, not something they do lightly.

movingonup20 · 25/01/2021 14:55

No it's just the right thing to do. Social services will be able to get the drs, school etc talking, they might be able to access respite, advice on parenting techniques for his behaviour, out of hours helpline etc. The last thing they want to do is remove him.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 25/01/2021 15:26

I understand that you’re worried and why but please try not to. You’ve done the responsible thing by reaching out for help and that will be recognised. I can’t promise social care will be a massive help (it really does depend on many things including who handles the case) but they won’t take any of your kids away they just need to establish what your family’s needs are right now.

Sethy38 · 25/01/2021 15:28

Yes normal
Yes warranted

Your 2 year old was at risk.

DamsonBramble · 25/01/2021 15:52

Well done on seeking support. You did the right thing. That will count in your favour

DamsonBramble · 25/01/2021 15:54

Is he at home?. If so they might let him into school to give you some respite

peoniesandpastels · 25/01/2021 15:54

I'm not a social worker but am often involved in muti-agency meetings for the young people I work with. The whole point of those meetings is support and how we all work together to support the young person and their family. You did the right thing reaching out for help.

Crampon · 25/01/2021 15:56

I'm not sure which way your voting works. YANBU for doing that, but YABU for worrying about it. You did the right thing.

Mumofsend · 25/01/2021 15:57

I have two with additional needs and we have a social worker. In general I think I have come across 1 out of about 7 who upset me, the others all genuinely wanted to help.

It takes a lot to.acknowledge you need help and you have so be proud of yourself. If you are on Facebook the SEND VCB group is a genuine lifeline for us and the added bonus of a safe place to vent where you won't necessarily regret saying what you need to say. Its an amazing community

Original poster

Cocacola12 · 26/01/2021 16:51

Thank you for all your advice.
Yesterday I had a call from SS, my GP and his school, all very nice and supportive.
I really hope we’ve done the right thing.
The school have offered him a couple of hours twice a week school provision as a ‘vulnerable’ child. I’m feeling really apprehensive about what others will think, I’m a sahm with husband working,why should my child be entitled when there is families with both parents working 😓 and sad that he’s classed as vulnerable. It somehow makes me think of a child living in poverty, or in an abusive or dangerous home. I know that’s not the case but I’m worried others will be judgemental.

OP posts:

sarahC40 · 26/01/2021 16:58

Others don’t walk in your shoes, op. Don’t let their judgement get you down and you might find that they’re actually more supportive than judgemental. There’s so much pressure already this year, on top of such a long stretch last year, so whilst others might also be struggling, I think that many parents might well get it. Well done for reaching out for help.

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