Wanting some help in the ice

[PeggySue2]

DH and I are both working from home and our 3 kids are going to nursery at the moment (lots of reasons why we have made that decision, irrelevant to this issue).

Anyway, we had snow over the weekend and today there was too much snow and ice for driving them down to nursery so putting the 18 month old in the buggy and having the 3 and 4 year olds walk was the only option.

I normally do drop off and DH does pick up. I asked the 2 of us could do both together today because we have to walk and its icy and there’s a big slippy hill to go down. He says no, he’s busy with work.

So I had no help. It was so icy. They wouldn’t walk. Everyone was slipping. Had to ferry backwards and forwards carrying them. Took 3x the usual time to walk. A stranger even helped at one point.

Felt so stressful and i feel let down that DH didn’t help.

There’s lots of backstory (isn’t there always...) about how I feel about him prioritising his work, so I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.

I feel quite letdown but looking for some perspective. AIBU to have expected him to help?

YANBU. It sounds like he sees the DC as your responsibility. Something he can help out with when he has the time and inclination rather than a jointly responsible parent.

Hopefully he will still have an icy walk this afternoon and can see what it's like.

Alternatively, I'd suggest a week on/week off system so you share who does which trip.

He should have helped you, absolutely. Are you planning to join him for the pickup later?

How long does the walk take? It sounds quite dangerous tbh so he's unreasonable for not caring about the safety of you all.

I probably would have said I'm not taking them to nursery unless you help me and let him ponder on trying to do childcare whilst working versus taking some time to help.

I think it might actually have been safer not to send them to nursery today. If there’s a big hill and you have 3 under 5s to transport with no assistance then it’s not a sensible decision.

Your DH should have helped, yes. But perhaps in order to make him help you needed to make a stand and not leave the house without his help.

I’m sorry, it must have been very stressful.

Bet he drives to collect them after hearing how difficult that was!

Absolutely take the point about it perhaps having been safer to stay home. In hindsight I think I should have done that. He would have said I have to look after them all day though (despite us both having work). Safety should come first though so I think I should have done that anyway. The ice was worse than I had expected.

It would have been nice if he could have helped but if he has to work then he has to work surely? If he was in the office you would have had to do it. What is the difference?

Does he earn significantly more than you, and therefore think he’s exempt from child rearing hassle? If he does earn more, do you think him earning more is reason for him to do less?

Has he ever asked for flexibility from his employer for childcare reasons?

I actually earn more.

He wasn’t in the office and this would normally have been in his commuting time.

There wasn’t a meeting or anything. Basically planning for a (routine) presentation.

You’re not over-reacting. As a one-off, if my DH had a very important presentation, was usually super helpful a d was really apologetic about not being able to help, that would be different- still stressful. But if he’s usually happy to leave it all to you then you are not over-reacting.

It’s going to get more complex when they start school, rather than less complex. So now is the time for a proper full-on talk about expectations and responsibilities.

It’s shit, I’m sorry.

@ApolloandDaphne

It would have been nice if he could have helped but if he has to work then he has to work surely? If he was in the office you would have had to do it. What is the difference?

OP isn't a SAHM. She's WFH too. He's no more special than OP is and should have helped.

Buy some ice crampons to put on over your boots/shoes, you can get them from Amazon for less than a tenner. I've just got some and they are amazing, we live in a village in a steep valley and the gritters don't come here and getting to school in the morning was a nightmare now I'm striding along the ice past all the sliding people!

Not at all unreasonable; I took DD age 3 to nursery this morning with the baby in the buggy and it was hard work! DH leaves for work at 6am but if he’d been home I’d of expected/demanded help

Doesn’t need flexibility from employer. He manages his own time for the most part (when it suits him).

Thanks for the crampons tip! Will have a look so I’m ready for the next bit of snow (always think of these things too late).

YANBU to be upset on what is a rare event. Does he normally use work as a reason/excuse to avoid things?

If COVID wasn’t around how would they normally get there in the winter?

Yes, he gets very stressed about work. Basically has to do training for others for 4 hours a week and its taken over his life and he’s become so self-centred. I get that he’s stressed and I’ve tried so many ways to help. But tbh I’ve had enough of it. This sort of thing has happened before.

Don't socks over your shoes improve your grip?

Normally we drive. Haven’t had snow since we lived in this house and they went to this nursery!

I think it depends what he does. If he is a teacher for example doing live lessons then I dont think its unreasonable to say that he is busy with work. Or something like call centre worker where he has to be on the phone and computer at set hours. My husband asked me if we could swap some home schooling hours around last week one day as he had a meeting and whilst I'd normally say yes and my work has a high degree of flexibility, I couldn't change that particular hour as i was giving a presentation to train 20 people with the bosses listening in and it would have looked awful if I'd have cancelled at the last minute.
If its just a case of he is busy, could have made the time up later but didnt want to then yes that's shit

YANBU he sounds lazy

Remind me of years ago when I had dd (5) and ds (newborn)
I lived with dm and she worked at school where dd went. It was a 10 min walk away. She told me when I had ds she woukd onky help with drop offs for the first 2 weeks then it was down to me (january)
Dd also had some mobility issues so used a buggy board

Anyway on the day it was supposed to be me doing school runs again I woke up and it had snowed quite a lot. Dm said she didn’t care I still had to do it. Ds screamed as was bitterly cold and I only had a buggy not an enclosed pram. The wheels wouldn’t turn due to the snow so I was pushing it with all my strength and half the journey was uphill with dd on buggyboard.
I managed it but got home and my cs scar had started opening so I had to call a midwife to come out.
Dm didn’t even say sorry to me she was literally going to the same place I think she just wanted to prove a point

He didn’t have any particular commitments at that time e.g. meetings. Just some work to do, which he could have made up later imo.

So fed up with his work coming before our kids (never mind me). Posted before (pre name change) about him suggesting ignoring a call from nursery if kid ill so he could get on with work.

Fed up with it to be honest. I manage to work and step up when needed. He’s completely inflexible.

Anyway, I’m just ranting now. Thanks for all the perspective! Need to get some work done myself now!!

You sound like a superhero! Sorry you had to deal with that