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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blast from the past causing distress

62 replies

Givestwofigs · 24/01/2021 00:30

I have a situation where someone wronged my family, about 10 years ago. A childminder was not looking after my son properly but when I complained to Ofsted UK, nothing was done about it. In fact she tried to threaten me with legal action for not paying the rest of the month when I took my son out her care, but I wrote a letter to the legal team and never heard anything again. I had a hectic life and so left it there (single mum, 3 young children studying fu-time, no family support). Years later brings us to today, where I saw her on a local neighbourhood social media site, seeing that she had moved in to my area. I left a comment to say that I was upset to see she had moved to my area and that she should be ashamed of the way she behaved back then. People rushed to her defence, said I was really mean and that they will be calling the police. I feel so hurt that she got away with it then, and even now people want to defend her, knowing nothing of the situation.

Was I wrong to say something online? Should I just have forgiven and moved on? I reacted in the moment but everything I said was true. It's so painful to know she has gotten away with this, refuses to even apologise and yet people accuse me of being mean. I have nothing to gain.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 24/01/2021 04:21

Sorry you had to go through that OP.

Ignore posters calling you "Unhinged" - MN is a beacon for women who pounce to make another woman feel like shit.

You over-reacted on this occasion as she'd been cruel to your child and seeing her in group brought back sad memories.

Take comfort in the fact that you did the right thing in removing your child from her care. Hopefully it made her think twice about doing this to another child.

user1473878824 · 24/01/2021 04:35

Okay so you’ve “said your truth”, you’ve left the comment and now other people may read it and not use her. Done. Now turn off notifications for that thread.

Takethereigns · 24/01/2021 04:39

Presumably you are the blast from the past causing distress!

Was she posting to advertise her business as a childminder? Or was it a generic post that you have chosen to have a go at her for?

I could almost understand you reviewing her as a childminder, but she could have changed a lot in 10 yrs.

If you just had a go about her moving near you, then you know it’s unreasonable

SofiaAmes · 24/01/2021 04:56

Were you using disposable nappies? If so, if your son didn't poo, it's really not that big a deal. Certainly not cruelty or a "wrong to your family." It wasn't the care that you wished for your child, but hardly worth harping on about 10 years later. My dc hated having their nappy changed, so we would often leave it on for hours and hours if they hadn't poo'd. They had super sensitive skin, but NEVER got nappy rash from the unchanged nappies except once when we changed nappy brands....obviously we changed right back.
I'm impressed that that's the only thing that you have to complain about with your ds' carers in 10 years. Consider yourself (and your ds) fortunate.

tolerable · 24/01/2021 05:03

remove your comment. .curious..does your then nappywearing child bear scars?recall?..

pasturesgreen · 24/01/2021 06:20

It's been 10 years. Block the woman on social media if you must and move on.

itchyfinger · 24/01/2021 06:28

OP, I think you know you shouldn't have commented. Indeed, you are the "blast from the past causing distress." She had probably forgotten all about it, and now you're there telling her new neighbours what happened on social media. Now if you see her you will probably be confronted, whereas if you hadn't posted you could have walked by her in the street and held your head high.

What she did was disgusting, but it was a long time ago. Leave it be.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 24/01/2021 08:33

Unfortunately you'll have just provided a bit of gossip and drama on the local page and made yourself look bad by airing dirty laundry. Yes it was shit but it was ten years ago.

PyjamaFan · 24/01/2021 08:36

YANBU to feel upset but YABU to have commented.

Block her, ignore and move on. You will end up causing far more upset to yourself than to her.

sundaysgirls · 24/01/2021 08:54

It was ten years ago, move on and leave the woman alone. It's pointless and dwelling on it isn't good for your mental health even if you don't care about the impact on her. You sound rather pathetic about it if I'm honest. Shit happens but you have to move on.

TramaDollface · 24/01/2021 09:14

Why did you say that? What a daft thing to do, of course you can’t go around mouthing off at people like that

partyatthepalace · 24/01/2021 09:24

Leaving a child in a dirty nappy is shitty (genuinely) but has not done your family any harm long term, and it’s 10 years ago.

The mature thing to have done would have been to contact the part of your local authority that licenses childminders, and sent them formal details of the issue you had. If she’s still childminding, they won’t (and shouldn’t) do anything about it right now, but it’s lodged in case other complaints come in in future.

You have probably achieved your goal of making people suspicious of her if she’s still childminding, but you have also made yourself look like an unhinged arsehole. It’s not a mature way to behave OP, and it’s a poor example to your children.

Cheeserton · 24/01/2021 09:29

Seriously OP, a bit 'rash' of you?? Surely you did that on purpose...

mummytolittledragons · 24/01/2021 09:33

I wouldn't have brought it up op. It was along time ago. If she does contact the police just explain what happeny all those years ago. You might get a warning but I doubt it will go further.
Maybe consider blocking her and also leaving the neighbourhood group. I used to be in mine but left after some old lady started talking about how she was checking the licence details of all who drove past her house 😂 bat shit crazy she was

harknesswitch · 24/01/2021 09:35

You've just opened a huge can of worms op. Why do it publicly over a Facebook group? Regardless of what she did you will always come out looking like a nutcase by doing this. You should have just left well alone

Hopdathelf · 24/01/2021 09:47

People are likely to think worse of you, not her.

Not a pleasant thing to happen to your child but you’ve blown it out of all proportion. Your family was not “wronged”, you had a dispute with your childcare provider that wasn’t resolved in your favour.

midnightstar66 · 24/01/2021 10:06

While not changing a nappy is unacceptable I thought you were going to say it was something major that resulted in serious harm. Removing the child and not paying the remainder of fees was appropriate actions for the circumstances and didn't need dwelling on let alone still seething and feeling wronged 10 years on. Your comment was ridiculous - she can move where she likes she wasn't convicted of a serious crime and given a restraining order ffs

TidyDancer · 24/01/2021 10:20

Well what she did wasn't great but I thought you were going to say something truly terrible! YABU to drag this up 10 years later, especially so publicly. I'm not saying what she did was acceptable but your reaction is not proportionate. Delete your comment and move on.

mummytolittledragons · 24/01/2021 10:23

Did she even remember you op?

MaMaD1990 · 24/01/2021 10:27

It wasn't the wisest thing to do leaving a comment but I imagine you had some left over anger at her which made you feel like you wanted to 'out her' for lack of a better term. I would block her, forget her and move on.

sundaysgirls · 24/01/2021 10:35

MN is a beacon for women who pounce to make another woman feel like shit.

The OP is getting a taste of her own medicine.

TillyTopper · 24/01/2021 10:54

Why on earth would you comment online for everyone to see? I think what she did was wrong of course, but move on and don't get involved with her or engage. That was only going to end one way - and not pleasantly.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/01/2021 15:35

I’m totally sympathetic
Also had a CM from hell

But Facebook ??? No
Delete the comments

SarahBellam · 24/01/2021 15:41

Wow, airing a 10 year old grudge on social media is next level bonkers. She’s probably terrified she’s going to wake up with a horses head in her bed now.

FrankskinnerscRoc · 24/01/2021 15:54

Imagine the headlines - MN Bitches wiped our by Mafia Gal 😆

The people who rushed to her defence are probably as bad as her OP.