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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand what he wants?

44 replies

Daisyxchain · 23/01/2021 21:20

Dating a bloke for several months. He's my boyfriend since October too. Like everyone else we have ended up locked down and unable to meet since. So we've had to phone romance it. Which has been lovely and still enjoyable. We have kept the passion Alive and continued to send gifts and have lovely conversations.

Unfortunately his depression has gotten terrible since Christmas. He improved for a week but then it came back after stopping a medication for pain last week.

He's spoken about it to me. I understand that right now he isn't thinking about sex. He's not in a romantic mood. He's barely able to chat some days. He's struggling and can't always sleep. It's a big change from how he was with me before.

So a few times this week I've suggested we cool it off. I've offered friendship and stuff. Space too. He always responds with nothings changed. I still love you. I still feel the same about you.

Today he's been chattier. But just normal day to day chat. No humour. No compliments. No cheeky comments still. Just feels like I'm struggling to navigate this big change. I feel like his mum asking him how he feels rather than us enjoying our relationship.

So tonight I text him to say I'm missing him and hope we can go back to chatting how we did. He said he didn't understand what we had lost. He called me and said he hates messages like that and he dreaded them. I just tried to talk about it openly. The thing is we haven't been involved long enough for long term problems like this. It is a horrible feeling.

The last seven days I've had him on the phone ranting and stressed. Dismissing my feelings. Getting defensive. But then saying he still loves me. It hasn't been easy some days.

Last Saturday he sent me flowers. We spoke on the phone. He told me to keep messaging him whilst he watched football. I said there was no need. He said I love it when you message me because I wish you was here with me. The next day he completely changed.

Anyway In my heart I feel it's over. This isn't what I wanted. It's rubbish. But everytime I try and end it he insists nothings changed and he's feeling much better. I know he attempted suicide in the past and only survived because he was found. So I don't want to tip him over the edge.

He popped around his neighbours tonight to help with something. He said I'll text you when I get home. He's been on Facebook for ages and nothing.

Feels so confusing. He doesn't want to end but doesn't have the energy for me right now either.

What would you do.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 23/01/2021 21:29

For a relationship to be healthy and successful you both need to be happy. You’re clearly not.
You’re also not responsible for fixing him. I would end it. You could say something like that you’re not in the right place to get in any relationship right now and you don’t want to waste his time but you wish him well

Piffle11 · 23/01/2021 21:33

I’d run for the hills. You’ve been dating for several months: you should be in the honeymoon phase, and yet you are already having the issue is that most people have years down the line at the end of a relationship. This is never going to work and you will be miserable.

BlueSussex · 23/01/2021 21:35

Dump him, you barely know him.

Piffle11 · 23/01/2021 21:36

Sorry, that didn’t sound right! I mean this will never work, and if you stay with him you will be miserable. He doesn’t have the energy for you? All he has to do is talk to you, and reassure you. If he really can’t be bothered to do that, then he’s not worth your time. Getting involved with anyone who has mental health issues/depression is difficult, it is a very selfish condition. It will always be all about him and his needs/what he wants – I’ve been there. You will never be able to make him feel better. For your own sake, and it now

Piffle11 · 23/01/2021 21:36

*end it now.

Daisyxchain · 23/01/2021 21:49

He has put me on such an emotional roller coaster ride since new year. It's like he wants me and when he's well he's everything. But when he crashes it just fills me with so much anxiety. I'm not even a needy person. He's the more contacty one. So it has been really odd watching him go down hill.

I've tried so hard to not take it personal. I've done some internet searching to try and help me understand things. But today I just feel like what's the point.

I am going to sleep soon and tomorrow I will call him and try and do it gently. Because I'm clearly not strong enough to cope with it. He's making my moods change based on how he is. That's not fair at all.

I hoped he would have felt better by now. But who knows how long this episode may last. It comes and goes as I say. The longest has only been three days. So a week feels abit testing.

I feel for him and I'm not heartless but I can't find a happy medium. Especially because he refuses to tell me contact wise what helps and what doesn't. I think that's my biggest issue. I've asked for direction and I feel abit damned if I do damned if I don't.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/01/2021 21:52

He has put me on such an emotional roller coaster ride since new year

That should be it for you now. It's three weeks later and he's still doing it. This is what he's really like. I'd tell him it isn't working out and then, because of the way he is, I would block him.

user1473878824 · 23/01/2021 22:28

It’s so hard to be in a relationship with someone with bad depression, even when you’ve been together for years.

You’ve been together a few months and while right now is tough for the best new couple this is incredibly difficult.

But it is not up to you to fix him or to try to keep him happy. And you sound very unhappy.

I would, as hard as it may be, massively cool this off if you don’t want to end it and see where things are when life is a bit more normal.

Piffle11 · 23/01/2021 22:42

You say you are becoming filled with anxiety, and yet you are not a needy person – this actually is a big issue. I remember I was with a man who sounds very similar to this person, and he made my life hell. I tried to help, I couldn’t. And when I couldn’t help him, he blamed me for his mood. I was constantly anxious, walking on eggshells. I eventually got out, but it was not easy. I felt a lot of guilt for leaving him. Years later, my sister started seeing someone. At first all is well, but then he started showing signs of mental health issues… She went from a confident, outgoing woman, into a nervous wreck. She didn’t dare say anything for fear that it would ‘set him off’, or make him feel bad. It’s horrible to see.

partyatthepalace · 24/01/2021 01:56

Finish it off.

It’s not sustainable or healthy for you.

ChristOnAPeloton · 24/01/2021 02:15

End it.

He isn’t well enough to start a relationship right now, and you deserve better than being slotted into his carer role.

You should be in the honeymoon phase.

bloodyhairy · 24/01/2021 04:40

Going against the grain here, to say that you sound needy and insecure. So he's suffering from depression, and you're pissed off because he's not feeding your ego with compliments Hmm

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 24/01/2021 06:36

It shouldn't be this difficult this early on....

I wouldn't want to be in a carer role this early on.... Be different if it was an established relationship.

Being around someone with depression is exhausting... It's a very selfish condition.

It's not nice of him to push you into this role, when you barely know him. (see above point)...

In these sort of scenarios, I often wonder if the genders were switched how many men would be reading, researching depression, and wanting to do their best to help someone??

OfTheNight · 24/01/2021 06:51

He’s treating you like crap. Depression is absolutely no excuse for it, and I say that as someone with several diagnosed mental health conditions.

He needs to manage his depression. He should not be blowing hot and cold. He’s using it to manipulate you. Right now you should be in the honeymoon phase, not putting up with this shit.

Get rid, you’ll meet someone far better.

Sunflowergirl1 · 24/01/2021 07:09

I'm staggered when I read threads about the number of relationships where one is suffering from depression.

Frankly you have known him months...telling you he loves you when you have spent little time together is meaningless. What you have got is an insight into what would have awaited you if lockdown hadn't happened.

I'd let him go elsewhere for his emotional crutch.

Daisyxchain · 24/01/2021 07:15

@bloodyhairy

Believe me I've been patient. I've been determined to be supportive. But come on! Where is the balance? I signed up to be his lover/partner long term. Not his emotional punchbag.

We've been involved since August. We've had loads of great times. But the depression is actually becoming the biggest part of us.

He hates christmas. He was struggling. Then on the 2nd January he woke up from sleeping all-day and clearly felt absolutely miserable and I phoned him. He absolutely tore into me when I offered him a couple of days alone. He was kicking off about his phone going off all the time. Not me as I know to leave him if he's asleep. He spoke to me like something on his shoe. The next morning I said to myself if that happens again anytime soon it's over. For a few days I didn't even think I wanted him anymore. I told him this and since about the 5th January until the 15th he was himself again. Then the last week it's been like this. Me trying to keep in touch. Do the right thing. Support him. Listen to him. Give him space. I've tried. But I'm going to bed each night sad because emotionally he's giving me nothing back. Ofcourse I want nice words and affection from him. I'm supposed to be his girlfriend and he's supposed to love me. I have feelings too. How am I supposed to feel loved or like he wants me still? I can't show you on here what he's like with me normally. But he's like a different person right now.

He doesn't see what I see. He thinks we are still us and ok. But I've lost all confidence in our future. I feel insecure already. I feel drained. I feel useless. I feel stressed. Ofcourse he's also feeling those things and alot worse. But he needs to give me something or accept he can't be a partner right now because he needs to focus on himself.

I'm cooling things anyhow. I need to do what's best for me at this point.

OP posts:
Landlubber2019 · 24/01/2021 07:21

@Daisyxchain you don't need to cool things you need to end tg

AnyTimeSoon · 24/01/2021 07:26

This is way too much hard work for only a few months of a relationship. And it seems to be you carrying the entire relationship. I would end it op.

Landlubber2019 · 24/01/2021 07:26

You need to end the relationship, it's not healthy and it's been built on sand.

You need to walk away and swiftly. He is using you as an emotional crutch, which you are clearly unhappy with and whilst you discuss cooling things you still want to maintain an close and emotional connection, it won't work.

Sugarandteaandmum · 24/01/2021 07:29

"lost all confidence in our future"? He's a boyfriend of 3 months you've not seen much. Bin him off, it's not worth it.

icelollycraving · 24/01/2021 07:29

How much time have you physically spent together?
I sort of agree with pp who said you sound a bit needy too. Knowing the date when he’s been in whichever moods quite intense.
You aren’t compatible, neither of you are happy. End it for both your sakes.

lifestooshort123 · 24/01/2021 07:38

I would tell him that you want to take a break as you're not ready for a relationship at the moment - don't specify particularly with him. You already know that this isn't for you (covid or not) so the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 24/01/2021 07:40

The OP probably is ostensibly a bit needy - but it’s only because this man’s making her act in a way that’s unusual for her.

He’s making her be ‘needy’.

He doesn’t bring out the best in you, you don’t in him, you’re not compatible.

It’s been 5 months. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/01/2021 08:04

One persons mental health does not trump the other persons mental health.

You are very unhappy and anxious in a relationship of just a few months. It is not healthy to be so unhappy yet stay in the relationship.

You say he's been 'himself' again for short periods of time but you haven't known him long enough to know what 'the real him' is.

He sounds manipulative, being distant and cold then when you suggest ending it / giving him space he 'tore into you'. Do you think that's acceptable? It's bullying and manipulative.

You sound vulnerable, confused and naive. Being in a relationship like this will damage your mental health.

You really need to end this relationship and move on with your own life.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/01/2021 08:07

This isn't what I wanted. It's rubbish. But everytime I try and end it he insists nothings changed and he's feeling much better. I know he attempted suicide in the past and only survived because he was found. So I don't want to tip him over the edge.

  1. You are not responsible for any other adults mental health
  1. Read back the first two sentences you wrote above, they are all you need to know in order to end a relationship of any length, let along a 3-6 month one.
  1. You do not need the other person's permission to end a relationship with them.
  1. Lockdown is the best time ever to end a relationship, you have physical space between you.
  1. End it.