To be upset at the way she spoke to me.

[NickyQ]

So last week I got a letter from my local
Nhs trust asking me to book an appointment for my covid vaccination. I’m a volunteer at this hospital however I haven’t worked on the ward since November when we went into the second lockdown. This was not my choice. One of the volunteer coordinators contacted me and told me the trust had done a risk assessment and decided volunteers were best kept off the wards. I was told that I could still volunteer to work as a greeter (to patients family coming into the hospital to bring clothes and other belongings) to which I said yes, but I got a call a few days later and was told they already had enough people for the role. I was told I can go back at some point but it’s all dependent on the situation.

So the letter that I got was simply because I am still technically a volunteer. They want to get volunteers back on to the wards and having the vaccine means it’s safer to do so.
My friend who I’ve known for I’d say 10/11 years phoned me the other night to chat and catch up. After a while I told her that I’d got a letter asking me to go for the vaccine. She immediately got uppity with me grilling me saying things like why would you be eligible for it your young (I’m 40) and have no medical need. I was polite and explained why I had got the letter and she wasn’t at all happy saying you don’t even work at the bloody hospital so you shouldn’t be getting the vaccine. I told her I will be going back and she sorter of tutted as in she didn’t believe me. She asked me if I was actually going to have it, I said yes of course, and she said that it was disgusting how some elderly people and frontline staff haven’t even had the vaccine yet there I am skipping the queue.

To be honest I agreed with her to some extent that there are far more worthy people than me but I assume if I don’t take it when it’s offered I will go to the very bottom of the list and god knows when I’ll get it in the future. She kept banging on and on about people who she knows who need I’m the vaccine more than me and they have to wait. To be honest by the end of the conversation I was really upset but also really angry. She has tried to guilt trip me over something that is out of my control and tried to make me feel like shit. If this was the first time she’d took out her frustrations on me then I wouldn’t be quite as bothered but this has happened quite a few times.

I know the current situation is miserable and everyone, including me, are fed up, but my friendships are extremely important to me, and the one thing I never do is take out my frustrations on them. I’ve been a supportive friend for years and since covid I’ve messaged or phoned her a few times a week to see how she is. But she’s very bitter and has been for a while. She doesn’t seem to have a nice word to say about anyone. AIBU to want to cut her off?

YANBU.... She is jealous.

You are a volunteer who is needed back on wards, therefore it has been deemed that you are important enough to need the vaccine.

If you turn this down then you will not be able to go back as a volunteer and the hospital and patients lose out.

That was my point to her. The hospital may not allow me back on the ward if I don’t have it. I know that me my dh and our two children aren’t vulnerable but surely
I’d be mad to turn the vaccine down as it’s a little bit of extra protection for us all.

The vaccine isn’t just for you, it’s in the hope you will be less likely to spread the virus (yes I know that’s not guaranteed). So it’s important you take it. Never mind what she thinks, she’s wrong.

I can see both sides of the argument, but the way she spoke to you was rude and completely unnecessary overall.

My own sister works for the NHS, looking after the computer systems. She has largely worked from home since last March. Very occasionally, she might have to pop to the office (once every month at the most) . She was invited for the vaccine on Wednesday. I, on the other hand, am a teacher in a behaviour /SEMH /SEN school. The vast majority of our pupils are still attending. We work with young people age 6 to 18. Young people who get violent, need restraining (sometimes by 4 or 5 staff members at once) will spit at us and will headbutt, hit and kick. We work very closely with these students day in, day out. Social distancing is impossible and we aren't allowed to wear PPE. These students are often defying lockdown rules and mixing with God knows who outside of school. I am secretly enraged that she is entitled to the vaccine over me.

You sound very selfless - using your time to volunteer at the hospital. You are well within your rights to get the vaccine - obviously because you’ve been offered it. She’s just jealous and touchy. It protects you and potentially others you come into contact with. Don’t doubt your decision. 🥰

You haven’t set the priorities, so if you’ve been offered it, that’s based on an expert risk assessment. I wouldn’t cut someone off for being a dick about one thing, but think about whether she’s a good person to have in your life.

I'd be tempted to ignore her. You were a volunteer before, probably saving the NHS ££££ and by having the vaccine you can resume that role. I think the vast majority don't realise the extent and importance of volunteering. You are helping far far more people (NHS staff as well as the patients) than the one person who could getter vaccine if you didn't. If she says anything else send her some links to how she can give up her time to volunteer. Oops, that's not ignoring is it? Never mind, you could go the whole hog and start posting on social media "just did 4 hours volunteering, drove 30 people to get their vaccine/walked 5 miles going back and forth taking things from visitors to patients, so proud I'm helping"

It's not your fault you were prioritised. I think she has a bloody cheek, particularly as you have been volunteering and putting yourself at risk! OK, you might not be vulnerable, but no-one wants to get ill, but you took the risk to help others. If she'd be so selfless, she'd have been priorised too!

I’m only considering cutting her off as she’s made me feel shit on a few occasions now and she’s turned into a very bitter judgmental person. I know her life isn’t easy at the minute but neither is mine. I’ve had a lot going on, my mental health isn’t great, I have anxiety and trying to juggle working from home with two dc isn’t easy. I have some lovely friends who I feel comfortable having an occasional moan to and they feel the same about me. Yet this particular friend is very judgemental and I’d say I moan I tired she gets on her high horse telling me how she gets up super early and her job is way more taxing. She never had a nice word to say about her friends and family and I really don’t think I need someone like that in my life.

Ignore, I work for an NHS Trust and we are vaccinating all staff, agency staff, bank staff and volunteers. Even if they are shielding, on long term sick or on maternity - everyone is offered it. Take the jab, if you want it, you’re entitled to it. Also, thank you for volunteering it really helps the staff and the patients!

You have to go when you’re called. Your friend just needs to accept that. Can you imagine if they only vaccinated in exact order it would be a organisational nightmare!

Thank you. My appointment is booked for Wednesday and I’m definitely going. I’d be crazy not to.

I think you are seeing her true colours now. Go with your instincts. She might not agreed but there’s no need for her to take it out on you. You need to stick up for yourself more. My new year resolution is to stop being so diplomatic and keep the peace so much. I’m going to call out bad behaviour more.

@NickyQ

I’m only considering cutting her off as she’s made me feel shit on a few occasions now and she’s turned into a very bitter judgmental person. I know her life isn’t easy at the minute but neither is mine. I’ve had a lot going on, my mental health isn’t great, I have anxiety and trying to juggle working from home with two dc isn’t easy. I have some lovely friends who I feel comfortable having an occasional moan to and they feel the same about me. Yet this particular friend is very judgemental and I’d say I moan I tired she gets on her high horse telling me how she gets up super early and her job is way more taxing. She never had a nice word to say about her friends and family and I really don’t think I need someone like that in my life.

So surely it's a no brainer then?

In times like these, I would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt and to give some consideration to how hard she is finding things at the mo. The vaccine feels like the only way out of this mess to so many people at the moment. And a lot of people have kept going at their jobs with little appreciation of the risks to their own health and their loved ones. It can get to people eventually qnd reactions need to be taken in context.

Yes you’re right. I’ve realised lately just how much I people please even when I don’t necessarily mean to. I’m quite an easy going person and not in the least bit confrontational. I’ve never had any issues with other friends. They don’t try and guilty trip me over anything and although they will call me out if I’m ever in the wrong (fair enough) they wouldn’t dream of having a go at me over something like this.

The patients desperately need visitors so the sooner vaccinated volunteers can go back the better!!!

To be fair this last year she has been more difficult and I’ve let a lot go because I know everyone is suffering and feeling stressed. But there comes a time when enough is enough.

You are getting "ahead of the queue" because you've been doing something for the benefit of others which has a risk to you and your family.
Definitely take the vaccine and drop the "friend".
I had something similar, not Covid as it was years ago now.
But someone who I thought was a friend, confided in, laughed with, supported through down times.
Then things became difficult for her for a few years and she became a bitch.
Couldn't listen to anyone elses troubles as hers were worse, also couldn't listen to anyone's good news without cutting comments and bitching behind they're back.
I didn't have a big row with her or anything but I realised that when I got off the phone/left her company I always felt drained or defensive.
I just stopped initiating contact and when she started down the martyr route in conversation I left.
I still see her occasionally as we have mutual friends, and things are ok for her now so she's nice again.
But I know not to trust that now so I keep my distance.
Some people just have no character.

She sounds bloody awful. I’d get rid.

Getting volunteers back into hospital is important, as as far as I understand it the advice is to take the vaccine when offered, even if you don’t think you’re top priority, because it helps efficient roll out.

If you described it the way you've done here, I can see why she's annoyed.

I think what you mean to say is that they want to get the volunteers back on the wards asap, so giving the vaccine means they can do that.

What could be read into what you've written is that you're still on their lists as a volunteer although you aren't currently doing it, nor do you know if they will want you to do it while covid is still around. You've got the letter due to having been a volunteer, so you're going to make use of it even though it won't actually benefit the hospital.

I know that round here (speaking to WRVS lady today!) that they've said they don't want to be increasing footfall round the hospital so currently if you're not volunteering then you won't be vaccinated. So in our hospital that would mean you would be taking a vaccination on false pretences.

Your words here are: "I’d be mad to turn the vaccine down as it’s a little bit of extra protection for us all." rather than "I'm really keen to get back on the wards to help, and this will allow me to."

So she thinks you're exploiting a loophole, whereas I think you needed to say that you want to have it so you can get back to volunteering asap.

As PP have said, you are eligible for the jab because of your hospital volunteering and contact with many vulnerable patients - yanbu for having the jab.

I think covid has brought out the worst in lots of people and strained many relationships.

Could you draft a letter/email explaining that you do see her POV but vaccine eligibility decision making is not down to you and you’d hate to be inadvertently spreading the virus while volunteering in hospital. Explain the way she is making you feel and that you are finding the friendship very much a one way street at the moment. She may have an epiphany and apologise but I suspect if she is already feeling bitter and self absorbed, she may be unlikely to see things your way... in which case you have your answer about the friendship.

Alternatively I wonder about putting some space between you and if she asks why, explain that you came away from your last conversation feeling attacked and hurt, again, then the ball is in her court to put things right.

There are two sides to this, neither involve you being reasonable.

1. if they need you back on wards clearly being vaccinated may reduce a) risk to you b) spread of the virus. All good.

2. I keep hearing more and more that anyone even loosely linked with NHS or their supply chain, including swathes of young/non vulnerable home working non clinical staff.... are getting offered the vaccine immediately.

On the one hand it feels like they've missed the intention of NHS being vaccinated as priority. On the other hand I bet these are people whom it's easy to coordinate vaccination of, and the government just wants anyone vaccinated asap to hit targets by mid feb.

Either way you declining it helps no one do yanbu. But I understand your friend's concerns.

Neither involve you being UNreasonable, sorry!