To be upset at the way she spoke to me.

[NickyQ]

So last week I got a letter from my local
Nhs trust asking me to book an appointment for my covid vaccination. I’m a volunteer at this hospital however I haven’t worked on the ward since November when we went into the second lockdown. This was not my choice. One of the volunteer coordinators contacted me and told me the trust had done a risk assessment and decided volunteers were best kept off the wards. I was told that I could still volunteer to work as a greeter (to patients family coming into the hospital to bring clothes and other belongings) to which I said yes, but I got a call a few days later and was told they already had enough people for the role. I was told I can go back at some point but it’s all dependent on the situation.

So the letter that I got was simply because I am still technically a volunteer. They want to get volunteers back on to the wards and having the vaccine means it’s safer to do so.
My friend who I’ve known for I’d say 10/11 years phoned me the other night to chat and catch up. After a while I told her that I’d got a letter asking me to go for the vaccine. She immediately got uppity with me grilling me saying things like why would you be eligible for it your young (I’m 40) and have no medical need. I was polite and explained why I had got the letter and she wasn’t at all happy saying you don’t even work at the bloody hospital so you shouldn’t be getting the vaccine. I told her I will be going back and she sorter of tutted as in she didn’t believe me. She asked me if I was actually going to have it, I said yes of course, and she said that it was disgusting how some elderly people and frontline staff haven’t even had the vaccine yet there I am skipping the queue.

To be honest I agreed with her to some extent that there are far more worthy people than me but I assume if I don’t take it when it’s offered I will go to the very bottom of the list and god knows when I’ll get it in the future. She kept banging on and on about people who she knows who need I’m the vaccine more than me and they have to wait. To be honest by the end of the conversation I was really upset but also really angry. She has tried to guilt trip me over something that is out of my control and tried to make me feel like shit. If this was the first time she’d took out her frustrations on me then I wouldn’t be quite as bothered but this has happened quite a few times.

I know the current situation is miserable and everyone, including me, are fed up, but my friendships are extremely important to me, and the one thing I never do is take out my frustrations on them. I’ve been a supportive friend for years and since covid I’ve messaged or phoned her a few times a week to see how she is. But she’s very bitter and has been for a while. She doesn’t seem to have a nice word to say about anyone. AIBU to want to cut her off?

I can’t believe people are behaving like this. I see people on social media and some friends getting arsey about who is getting the vaccine, and whether they deserve it more than Betty and Bob down the road! I honestly don’t care. My 80 year old dm and 81 year old mil have had theirs, and so I’m happy that the most vulnerable in our families have had it. I’ll wait until I’m called and in the meantime I really don’t care who goes in front of me as long as it’s decided by those who are setting the priorities.

That's crazy.Does she not really understand that it is required by your employer?It's not your personal choice,you just politely accepted the offer.
Some adult behaviour is really shocking.Sorry,she is not a friend if she behaves in such a manner towards you.

I would be pleased to hear any friend had access to the vaccine. I want my friends to be healthy, happy and stress free.

My wider philosophy is that the sooner we are all vaccinated, the better. Every vaccination is a step towards that.

It does not compute to me that a friend would be anything but glad for me, no matter the circumstances of my jabs.

I’d consider this person ‘not a friend’ and continue on with life on that basis. If she asked, I’d tell her ‘a friend would have been pleased for me, you were cross and rude instead.’

It's got fuck all to do with her and in your shoes I'd probably not be bothering with her again

Just block her.

I get it. My dh has had his first vaccine as he works for the Nhs. He isn't front line and has worked from home since march but his trust have vaccinated all front line so loved on to vulnerable staff (DH is asthmatic). I told a colleague who is cev so in a higher tire than DH and I know she was a bit funny about him getting it. I get that fully but as his wife I'm pleased he is safer.

Aot of people have had a really tough time of it yet don't begrudge someone a vaccine (especially someone who has been nice, enough to volunteer). She sounds like a generally negative person you could do without on your ife.

Yanbu - in regards to the "friend" I wouldn't bother contacting her again and see how it goes. She is no friend to you particularly as she has form for this, there is a point when enough is enough. Your mental health has to come first.

For the jab yabu but I understand where you're coming from, I feel guilty having had it (even though I'm frontline but partime) as I feel more vulnerable are missing out but as pp have said, doing the non frontline NHS staff is an efficient way of coordinating the roll out and if you love volunteering and want to get back to it then take the jab, dont feel bad xx

It’s just the way it is. My friend’s dd who is in accounts in nhs and has wfh for 9 months has had the vaccine, she’s young and healthy.
My dn who is a TA is much more at risk but probably won’t get the vaccine for a while.
Tbf the rate they’re rolling it out most adults will have had it by summer.

She sounds really nasty. You're doing a lovely thing by volunteering at the hospital and you're not in charge of the vaccination schedule. Much better you're vaccinated than you infect 100 people a they visit the hospital and one of them dies.

Thanks for your replies. I’m still feeling rather annoyed and debating just taking her off Facebook/What’s app and blocking my phone number. I know it’s drastic and I would never usually dream of ending a friendship, but the way she has behaved towards me in the past and then now, well it speaks volumes. I know I’m not medically vulnerable but there have been people catch this virus in their 30’s with nothing at all wrong with them and they’ve died! I’d be happy for anyone getting vaccine, especially friends and family as that’s one less person I have to worry about getting seriously ill worse dying.

Even if you caught the virus and we’re fine you could still pass it on to vulnerable patients or family of patients. So you having the vaccine is good overall for others even more than for yourself. And I guess they need volunteers more than ever :(

I think this is going to happen more and more. People are struggling so badly now with lock down that there are going to be bun fights by long term friends over who gets it and when.

For her there is no solid plan for hoh to go back, and the quicker the vulnerable get this, the quicker the restrictions will ease. So when she hears healthy people in their forties who are not currently on the front line are getting it, it just makes her upset. You on thr other hand should obviously be taking it.

Both of you are defending your position and not listening to the other. You do hear what she’s saying and somewhat agree with her, she’s likely understanding why you’re taking it, but it just spells more delays to her.

The whole thing is a bloody mess, and shows how much this is impacting people. If you’d heard a year ago people would be falling out over who got the vaccine first you’d think they were crazy. And yet here we are.

Yes I get what you’re saying. Yet even when she got worked up I just let her rent and then when I thought she had calmed down I told her that in many respects I agree with her. But she shouldn’t be taking her frustrations out on me for something that is out of co tell. For what it’s worth she’s only a couple of years fee than me, both her and her dh are fit and well, her dc are in their early twenties and do not love with her. Yet I have two dc who are usually in school with a class of 30 kids each and my dh works in a busy work environment with a lot of people. Taking the vaccine would mean that if one of them caught covid I wouldn’t suffer greatly. And likewise, I can’t wait for my husband to get his vaccine but he’s been told it’ll be at least the end of the year. Like I’ve already said I completely get that everyone is suffering right now. Difference is I would rather suffer in silence as opposed to loosing my shit with friends and making then upset. There is just no need for it.

You are getting "ahead of the queue" because you've been doing something for the benefit of others which has a risk to you and your family.

Interestingly, yesterday I came across a twitter thread where a local MP (probably 40s), has been volunteering at a vaccine hub and has had the vaccine.. there was a complete outcry in the thread about this and how he's essentially stolen it from more vulnerable people. Probably because he's an MP, but I did feel it was a bit unfair, I know there's been a lot of talk about wasted vaccines and he is volunteering. Though a lot of people just assumed he was only doing it to get his vaccine above the rest.

OP, you were offered it, don't feel bad about taking it, your friend is probably jealous, however I don't think I'd mention it to many other people as you may get similar reactions sadly. Good luck for your appointment

I’ve already told two of my friends and they were both happy for me. My mum is in her 70’s and hasn’t had the vaccine yet but she was relieved as she doesn’t have to worry as much about me now. I know I’m not vulnerable but my mum is a worrier and if she at the age she is doesn’t feel like I’ve jumped the queue then why should my “friend”.

Honestly I’d not burn any bridges, just go quiet for a while and see how you feel

I have to be honest, you’re clearly delighted about getting it, and that’s fine, but potentially there was some of that in how you told her, which has rubbed her up thr wrong way,

Honestly that’s not how I came across when I spoke to her not one bit. I told her I felt a tad guilty as people like my parents haven’t even had their vaccine yet. Trust me, my anxiety kicks in when people get nasty with me, and knowing that this particular person can be judgemental I was very careful in my delivery. I genuinely thought she’d at least be pleased for me. I want to go back to volunteering as soon I am allowed abs having the vaccine will mean that I can go back. Why can’t she just understand that?

If this isn’t a one off, and she hasn’t apologised then drop her. Friends should not make you feel shit on a regular basis.

She is not a friend OP. Life is too short to have negative people in your life. Does her friendship enhance your life in any way? Im guessing not - you said she has form for this. Detach from her. Block her social media and quietly back away. I've had to do this a couple of times recently. As Ive got older I realised I was a people pleaser and have learnt to work on this, hence certain relationships coming to an end.

To be honest when I actually sat and thought about it she doesn’t bring anything positive to my life. I feel on edge with her sometimes as she can snap and be very judgmental. She knows I’ve been struggling lately and in my opinion friends are supposed to lift each other and support one another not tear them down and take out frustrations on them for no reason.

I have a rule (which I tell my DC too): a friend is someone who makes you feel good after you've spoken to them or seen them. If you feel worse for contact with them, they're simply not a friend!

@MrsPworkingmummy

I can see both sides of the argument, but the way she spoke to you was rude and completely unnecessary overall.

My own sister works for the NHS, looking after the computer systems. She has largely worked from home since last March. Very occasionally, she might have to pop to the office (once every month at the most) . She was invited for the vaccine on Wednesday. I, on the other hand, am a teacher in a behaviour /SEMH /SEN school. The vast majority of our pupils are still attending. We work with young people age 6 to 18. Young people who get violent, need restraining (sometimes by 4 or 5 staff members at once) will spit at us and will headbutt, hit and kick. We work very closely with these students day in, day out. Social distancing is impossible and we aren't allowed to wear PPE. These students are often defying lockdown rules and mixing with God knows who outside of school. I am secretly enraged that she is entitled to the vaccine over me.

I have often thought about people such as you, being an early retired teacher myself. People just aren’t aware of the risk to staff that goes on in PRUs and special schools. I think you should go to the papers with this. Is it acceptable that these staff are in regular contact with bodily contact and fluids and are not seen as a priority for vaccination? So who has decided that the wearing of PPE is a detriment to PSHE and Communication, but overrides the staff’s health? What SEN staff have to endure at the moment during the pandemic is being kept as a closely guarded secret.

She doesn't sound like a good friend. As you say you are the one calling her a few times each week, just stop doing that. I'd be surprised if she called you.
If she does call or text, just don't answer. Better let her fizzle away than doing a grand gesture of blocking.

Thank you for volunteering at your hospital - I'm so pleased that you've been offered the vaccination and that you're going to take it up.

Hopefully once you've had the jab, you'll be able to go back to helping out when the hospital thinks the time is right.

You have a duty of care to patients, NHS staff and your community to have the vaccine once you're offered it. So don't think twice!

As far as your friend is concerned, your own mental health and well-being has to come first - especially right now. Having a friend who is consistently negative, unsupportive and who drains your energy is damaging. Don't punish yourself any longer.