To give my elderly, recently bereaved neighbour a copy of ‘Badger’s Parting Gifts’

[ZoolInMyFridge]

My dear neighbour recently lost her husband. It was sudden, and a shock. She is now completely alone as her only son died in his twenties - in a car accident. She only told me this recently - I didn’t know she had a son. She is such a kind hearted, considerate - but nervous lady. I told her that when my Dad passed away, I read my daughter the story of ‘Badgers Parting Gifts’. It’s a beautiful book, and I do sometimes think children’s books express things in a better way than adult books. I want to pop it through her letter box, but it’s a very sweet, emotional book (I cry every time I read it). So this is more Am I Being Appropriate than AIBU?

Bump

You know her best.

I found the book awful, because the person who died, died suddenly. No time for preparations, or thinking, or - well anything.

I would, it sounds lovely and is a very personal gesture, along with a note saying this is the book you were telling her about and a reminder that you are there for her if you can do anything to make things more bearable for her.

I think that's a lovely idea but would depend on how recently your dear neighbour lost her husband. If it was very recently then I'd probably wait a little bit.

Exactly what @notsorighteousthesedays said!

I’ve just looked at the YouTube reading of it, and whilst your thought is coming from a place of kindness, I really think you shouldn’t give her a copy, as it is could be quite patronising to read as an adult who has experienced probably many episodes of bereavement in their lifetime.
A handwritten note from you, with the a sincere offer of help and your phone number or a perhaps a little care package of cake, tea etc would be much more appropriate.

I think Michael Rosen's book 'sad' is much better and more appropriate. It's so beautiful the way if expresses grief (over the years mourning his son) and it s more appropriate for adults. I found it so moving.

I think a gift is lovely, but not entirely sure that Badger's Parting Gift is quite right. Tear Soup is also a book about loss, aimed at younger readers, but resonates across all ages. Perhaps that would be more appropriate, but it's also important to consider what this might leave her with...this is a woman who has twice experienced profound, sudden loss and is now alone. Perhaps also offering to be there, just to sit with her (socially distanced of course!), would be very welcome too.

Bereaved folk need kind people like you

I would not like this at all if I were in your neighbour's shoes. Everyone grieves differently and you probably don't know her well enough to know how she would feel about it. I would prefer just a card or flowers personally.

..and your friendship as VillaMia suggests

As someone who lost their Dad at 20, I don't think it's a good idea tbh. Everything is too raw for the first year or so for stuff like that. Any death in a book or film or soap etc was too much for me . A note & flowers would be way more appropriate & appreciated.

To be honest i'd think it far too soon for anything like that. When my DGM died the last thing I would have been able to deal with was anything remotely emotional. I think until people are in the right place emotionally, which takes different amounts of time for everyone, then it would just be painful rather than cathartic or comforting.

It’s a lovely thought OP.
Have you read The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy it’s beautiful and although not specifically about death it’s about hope. I highly recommend it.

My neighbour gave me a package, with all her photographs - of her husband who had recently passed away - and her son. She wanted me to pass back any comments - and put post it notes in all the photos. I just didn’t know how to express my feelings, and thought the book could do it better?

She’s been through a lot of grief and heartache in her life, and I truly believe that - even if you are here for a short time, you can touch peoples lives. And this is the message that the book gives to me.

Really, no.
It's a lovely book but it's about losing a grandparent (or other older friend) someone who has taught you, supported you....not your partner who was alongside you through life. That's a very specific form of bereavement. A friend who was widowed was told by someone that they 'knew what she was going through' as their mum had died recently....but your mum is not your sexual partner !
In addition, your neighbour is an older women she may find it very odd to be given a children's book. Especially if her own child died before their time...it's a whole can of worms.
Your motivation is good. Tell her you are willing to help her in any way possible. Leave her some single serving home cooked meals that can be re heated or frozen. Tell her when yoy are going to the supermarket. Remember she will still be grieving in 6 months time and offer your help then too.

No. Don't do that.

@ZoolInMyFridge

My neighbour gave me a package, with all her photographs - of her husband who had recently passed away - and her son. She wanted me to pass back any comments - and put post it notes in all the photos. I just didn’t know how to express my feelings, and thought the book could do it better?

if that is what she asked, that is what you should do. The book will not be able to express your feelings about HIM, only you can do that, and she has told you that THAT is what will help her. So if you want to help her, you know what to do.

I lost a parent as a teenager and have since lost my other parent and a lovely step parent I would have hated getting a book about grieving/coping with death. Yet I know I would appear to others to be the sort of person who would want a book like that.

Be led by her and continue to be her friend. The aloneness (not just loneliness) can be hard. When you ask yourself who can I turn to now? Who is there for me?

Just being there and showing you can will mean so much.

Care not can

Thank you all. I won’t - and It’s really helped to hear your thoughts. Grieving is such a personal thing, and it’s not my place to share something that’s helped me. I just need to offer support, and let that person know that they can reach out to me.

The whole experience reminded me of losing my dad, and I’m afraid that I’ve taken it too personally because of this, and been relating it to my dad in a very selfish way.

Don’t be hard on yourself. You care and you wanted to help. It’s only natural you related it to your own experience, it’s your only point of reference.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude thank you xxxx

You sound lovely and caring. How about some nice homemade meals for the freezer? I found cooking and eating such a chore in the face of bereavement and grief and that would have been really appreciated if you have an idea of what she likes and you have the time and means to do so.