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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that getting help might mean we can’t adopt?

45 replies

Peppermintgreen · 23/01/2021 13:10

My partner and I want to adopt.

I have been privately suffering from stress and severe anxiety for a while and have considered discussing this with the gp.

My partner has said not to as chances are it will mean we will not be able to adopt if my records show any form of anxiety/depression/MH issues.
Is this true?

I would say atleast half my day if not more is plagued by anxiety thoughts and behaviours.

The last year things have definitely got worse with the pandemic, but maybe everyone is just feeling like this and it’s to be expected?

I had an appointment last week for something else and they asked some questions about MH about how I’ve been feeling the last month on a scale of 1-5 type thing. I said I was fine for all of them

If I go back next week, how do I say actually I’m not okay? Even writing this has me in tears so not sure I could even discuss it with a doctor.

Does anyone have any advice? I’ve heard that sertraline and other similar drugs have been life changing for people with similar anxieties. Would asking to go on medication take away our chances to adopt? 😰

AIBU for wanting to be free of the anxious thoughts?

If so, how could I even begin the conversion with a doctor?

OP posts:

Original poster

Peppermintgreen · 23/01/2021 13:11

Conversation*

Also, so as not to be accused of drip feeling, I am not a newbie but changed my name for this thread.

OP posts:

Januaryblue2020 · 23/01/2021 13:13

I'm sure someone will answer who knows about adoption a bit more- but I'm pretty sure that the exact opposite is true. You'll never be judged for getting help for mental health issues- it shows that you're responsible and willing to accept help, which is amazing.
I think as long as you're open and honest about things like this, no social worker would judge you for it at all. Good luck xx

WINKINGatyourage · 23/01/2021 13:13

Get the help. You need it. I’ve no idea how it would affect adoption but if it does affect it then that’s what needs to happen. They need to make sure the children are placed with people who are able to care for them properly. It would be totally wrong for you to hide these symptoms from the people who are responsible for placing the children. You owe the children the best chance.

Anxietyandwine · 23/01/2021 13:16

The words will come when you get there, and probably the tears too because you’re letting it out. Sertraline did help me but gave me annoying side effects. I’m trying to talk myself into going back to the doctors too.

I’m not sure about the adoption side but I can’t imagine a MH condition like you’ve mentioned being managed and treated could count against you?

Please talk to your doctor, you’ll feel such a relief afterwards.

2beautifulbabs · 23/01/2021 13:17

Hi Op I have suffered with anxiety on and off and it's been worse since having my DCs and now with last years lockdowns and this years it hasn't been easy.
I would say I'm more snappy and moody than I am suffering with anxiety these days but defiantly have a word with your GP I'm on low dosage of citalopram have been on and off but it's what works for me the best without suffering side effects.

I hope to come off it again once things finally get back to normal as I think my relapse was defiantly brought on by lockdown last year and being trapped on my own at times with two toddlers.

I can't comment on what it would do for your adoption maybe someone will be along shortly with advice for that but I can't see how it would make you less of a successful candidate so long as there's no history of self harm or violence I can't see why they would stop you being able to adopt.

But please do get help op it will do you the world of good just that initial being open and honest will make you feel better and once meds kick in you'll feel at ease and have more of a clear head just to get back on track and then perhaps look at other routes like therapy etc good luck op 🥰

CarelessSquid07A · 23/01/2021 13:17

I must admit i had concerns about this however adoption can be really tough and I decided I wanted to be in the best place before we apply so I self referred for some help though Talkworks and its early days but it's been really helpful.

Oileo · 23/01/2021 13:18

Look at it from another angle, if you were offered a placement are you in the best place right now to make it work? Which is more important, an imagined risk or the real risk of not functioning at a level needed to support a child and have a successful placement?

I’ve not adopted, I’ve though worked in a role with adoptive families. From my experience it would be seen as an ability to manage challenges, have tough conversations and be truthful in case of problems. Overcoming difficulties would demonstrate resilience and it would show you can work with others effectively should you need to in the future. Should your future child have MH needs it will show you can empathise with their needs, understand them and seek help for them without shame or embarrassment.

Plus there’s a really shit situation in the world right now, there’s particularly no judgement in struggling in a pandemic. You are human, and humans are the best parents- as opposed to robots.

Just go, you don’t have to tell him even if you don’t want to. Do that when you feel better and can argue your point better.

Haffdonga · 23/01/2021 13:20

You are asking in the wrong place. Repost in the adoption board on MN where there are many kind and knowledgeable people who know the answer to this question.

Click on report at the top right of your post and ask MNHQ to move your post to Adoption

(In AIBU you get random answers from people who often know very little about the subject.)

Purplethrow · 23/01/2021 13:20

You need to be upfront with your gp. If you don’t , you will continue to suffer and if you do adopt, you might not be able to cope and the children may suffer.
Also it feels a bit wrong to not be upfront in order to adopt.
Loads of people are on antidepressants though Op and I hope this won’t be a barrier for you.

user1174147897 · 23/01/2021 13:37

@WINKINGatyourage

I have to agree with this.

bloodyhairy · 23/01/2021 13:44

You need to take care of yourself. You have a responsibility to your adopted child - and I do very much hope it works out - to be on good form mentally. You can't just put a lid on things and hope for the best.
Good luck

Mylittlepony374 · 23/01/2021 13:48

In the kindest way, adoption should be about a child getting a safe, loving, secure home. Worrying that your mental health may impact your ability to adopt suggests you wanting to adopt is more about you getting a child than ensuring said child has what they need.
I really don't know how mental health difficulties impact adoption process but I think regardless you need to seek help to make sure you can be the best mum for any child.
I really don't mean to be harsh, I think you're brave for acknowledging your difficulties and for considering adoption. I hope you get the help you need.

2typesofjungle · 23/01/2021 13:49

Can you get help without going to your GP? They would probably give you antidepressants and put you on the waiting list for 6 weeks of CBT.
If you can afford to pay privately go and see a counsellor and start there.

Fizbosshoes · 23/01/2021 13:51

I would recommend getting help as it sounds like it is consuming a lot if your thoughts. I felt awful with insomnia and anxiety last summer (and I think there was delayed grief from my Ddad dying the year before) . I had some phone appointments with the GP and I was in tears at every apt ....but somehow it wasnt as awful as actually having to look at, or cry in front of someone. They prescribed anti depressants (over the phone) but they made me feel so ill. I stopped taking them, but I did speak with a therapist for several months.

ivfbeenbusy · 23/01/2021 13:56

If you are spending half your day dealing with anxiety/mental health issues then you need to seek treatment for this prior to starting down the adoption route - most children requiring adoption have complex needs already and you need to be 110% focussed on them. Bringing a vulnerable child into an anxious environment isn't going to be healthy for them?

Be honest with your GP. Surely obtaining treatment for your issues now is better than hiding it and then embarking on what is a very stressful and intrusive adoption journey which you won't be equipped mentally to deal with?

Original poster

Peppermintgreen · 23/01/2021 14:00

I agree with what you’ve all said. I want to be in the best place I can be to support a child who’s joined our family through adoption and know that starts with getting my own MH sorted.

OP posts:

Grognonne · 23/01/2021 14:07

When we looked into it, we were told that factors like this definitely weren’t an issue. Children up for adoption invariably have issues as to why they have been placed in care, and knowing how to deal with this yourself was said to be a positive attribute (whether it MH issues, physical issues, previous history etc.).

bloodywhitecat · 23/01/2021 14:08

If it helps I am a fosterer and I have suffered from depression in the past, seeking help is not seen as a sign of weakness or failure it is seen as a sign of strength and being able to ask for help when needed.

HazelBite · 23/01/2021 14:10

Exactly what @Mylittlepony374 said.
Sadly I have seen at first hand how much mental strength adoption requires, (and these were two of the most self confident well grounded people imaginable)
I don't know your circumstances/age etc, but nowadays adoption is not an easy thing, in every aspect.
I do wish you luck

ThatVeganFeminist · 23/01/2021 14:12

The bigger point is how can you be ready to provide the level of care an adopted child will need if your mental health is poor. Your partner's attitude is concerning and shows they don't understand what adoption involves. You as a couple will need to accept that you need to get mental health support and be stable for a long time before you can even consider adoption.

ThatVeganFeminist · 23/01/2021 14:15

@Grognonne

As long as your mental health is well controlled. Being in the grip of a mental health crisis isn't appropriate for adoption.

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 23/01/2021 14:16

If you have the finances, why not go private? A private GP won't send things to your NHS one unless you ask them to. Will your adoption social worker have to see your medical records, necessarily?

Moorhens · 23/01/2021 14:18

Definitely know people with previous mental health conditions who have adopted, and equally people who are on medication but stable on it.

What stage are you at adopting wise?

Obviously what you couldn't say for example is that everything is fine and you are emotionally okay if you are having active help at the same time (presumably because things aren't ok)

However if you still have time then being able to say, in early 2021 things werent right so I went to my gp, did xyz and have learnt the following and now do.... then that sounds like you are insightful and resilient

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 23/01/2021 14:18

Adopted twice as a single adopter. Also had several periods of needing antidepressants (for understandable and clear reasons such as bereavement). You need to be honest about your mental health. Adoption is stressful. Showing you can cope and recognise when you need help can be seen as a strength if you handle correctly.

Use of antidepressants will not stop you from adopting as long as you can show you’ve handled it well.

Moorhens · 23/01/2021 14:19

@NoOneOwnsTheRainbow

Yes, a medical is included. Hiding things from social workers never comes off well

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