To worry that getting help might mean we can’t adopt?

[Peppermintgreen]

My partner and I want to adopt.

I have been privately suffering from stress and severe anxiety for a while and have considered discussing this with the gp.

My partner has said not to as chances are it will mean we will not be able to adopt if my records show any form of anxiety/depression/MH issues.
Is this true?

I would say atleast half my day if not more is plagued by anxiety thoughts and behaviours.

The last year things have definitely got worse with the pandemic, but maybe everyone is just feeling like this and it’s to be expected?

I had an appointment last week for something else and they asked some questions about MH about how I’ve been feeling the last month on a scale of 1-5 type thing. I said I was fine for all of them

If I go back next week, how do I say actually I’m not okay? Even writing this has me in tears so not sure I could even discuss it with a doctor.

Does anyone have any advice? I’ve heard that sertraline and other similar drugs have been life changing for people with similar anxieties. Would asking to go on medication take away our chances to adopt? 😰

AIBU for wanting to be free of the anxious thoughts?

If so, how could I even begin the conversion with a doctor?

The person I know who adopted recently was hospitalised for mental health in her 20s, so it can’t be a deal breaker.

Please speak to your GP. I am taking sertraline for anxiety and it has helped me alot. It has taken the edge off the anxiety and allowed me to rest and recuperate. I have also had CBT from First Step which I believe also helped. I cried at every GP and First Step appointment at first but I can now think more clearly. I have four children and when I was at my lowest point I found it hard to meet everyone's needs. Please take care of yourself and then you can think about other things later, once you are feeling better.

Think of it as the same as something like diabetes, if you were in a stage where you were physically unwell, and still trying to find ways to manage your blood sugar. Then you probably aren't ready to adopt

However if you later apply when you are on a regime that works for you and your blood sugars are well controlled then its a totally different picture

Hi, we adopted and I have a history of treatment for anxiety and depression since my teens. I think what the social workers wanted to know was that you could identify when there is a problem and seek appropriate help. Because when you adopt your children may have issues and if you have worked through your own difficulties it will enable you to support them more and help them know when and how to seek help. It is not necessarily a weakness. I remember the social worker quizzing my husband about whether he had dealt with issues from his child hood and this was more of a concern that he hadn't talked about it. Saying that they will want to know that you are in a stable place. The adoption process is quite hard and brings up a lot of stuff and I have been really surprised at how our children's issues have at times triggered old stuff for me. So in short I think getting the support you need is a good thing and, as long as you chose to adopt at the right time in the future would be seen as a good thing.
Also I think that the current situation is magnifying many people's mental health problems and is definitely not a sign of weakness. I have talking therapies better than medication, although each has a place. In some locations you can self refer to IPT, which might be helpful, www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/. I've not read all the other replies so sorry if I've repeated what others have said. Sorry you're feeling this way at the minute, I hope you get the help you need 💐

Yes OP, you need to ask in a place where people have direct experience of adopting or in adoption social work.

A lot of these commenters whilst well intentioned do not have the full facts about the adoption hoops you have to jump through, and would probably be quite surprised as to how stringent it actually is.

Would I be able to ask for medication or would the gp be wanting me to try something else first?

I think it’s usually the other way round, GP will push medication when a lot of people want to try something else first. Just go and see what they say, but a two pronged attack might be the best option, perhaps talking therapy/CBT alongside medication.

Nothing wrong with medication that works for someone. I've taken citalopram for 15 years and it keeps ,my brain chemicals in balance. No different from diabetics topping up their insulin. I tried coming off them last year but the effects within a few days were awful so I went back to taking them. I have been fortunate in that I have had the same GP all those years and she's extremely understanding and supportive.
Antidepressants may not work for everyone but for those whom it suits, they are really effective.
I would encourage anyone to go to their GP and talk it through. My depression was caused by a serious illness. It took a while to get the dose right. At one point I felt I needed a higher dose and wrote a note explaining to my GP. She phoned me and said, "I've read your letter and yes, you need a higher dose.You have a very good understanding of your depression." That was a turning point for me as I then felt that I was in charge of my depression, not that it was in charge of me.

Good luck with getting sorted and adopting. I appreciate people who adopt - my husband was adopted as a baby in 1943 and had a very loving home.

I also saw a counsellor as well and he helped me to sort myself out.

Name changed for this. I have suffered terrible anxiety and panic attacks and have taken sertraline for 9 years. My partner and I adopted siblings 5 years ago. The social workers do ask about it - they ask about EVERYTHING! - but it doesn’t rule you out. They wanted to know how I cope and how I would cope with the additional (significant) demands of having children. I worked on reflecting on all of my anxieties and coping mechanisms and was honest with them during the process.

For previous posters saying it should be solely about what the child needs, this just isn’t realistic. This person wants to be a parent. Children need families. And adoption is a “win win” although obviously the needs of the child are put first. There is no actual child in the picture for this person and so of course all she can focus on at the moment is herself.

OP I know how you feel being worried that you will be judged for this and won’t be able to welcome a child into your family because you needed help. But please do get the help you need because it’s a tough process and it’s tough having kids! It will make it all easier in the long run.

Friend had anxiety and depression following a difficult year and she went on to adopt. They asked about it and she was honest.

Before going straight to medication, have you tried anything else. I have suffered from mild anxiety (not mild for me but realise that others have much more debilitating symptoms) and I found CBT really helped. I paid privately as once I made the decision to start, I didn’t want to delay.

Hello, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I hope you get the help you need.

Please try to remember that children who are adopted have suffered trauma and require a different type of parenting than a child raised in their family of origin. Their behaviours can really challenge their (adoptive) parents. Social workers will want to see that you are resilient enough to manage the enormous challenge of parenting an adopted child. Unaddressed mental health needs - which any social worker should pick up on - absolutely would preclude you from adopting. Managed mental health needs (which we all have to some degree!) would need to be explored but in many cases can be a strength.

Imagine you didn’t address your mental health problems and then went on to adopt a child whose behaviour begins to become challenging. If you weren’t able to cope with this due to your mental health needs you could do more harm than good to your child. You need to be well enough in yourself to take care of the complex needs of a child who has been adopted.

So to answer your question, no. Mental health problems in themselves should not stop you from adopting. However, unaddressed mental health issues would - and should - be a barrier, to protect the children and to protect you. The sooner you take action to get help and learn how to manage your anxiety, the sooner you will be in a position where you have the potential to be approved for adoption. Wishing you all the best.

You need some kind of support in the first instance.

It’s silly advice from your DH to keep quiet incase in ruins your chances of adoption. If you’re struggling now, putting a child in the mix will no doubt add more to your struggles. Having children is the best thing in works but it’s not easy at times and did many reasons.

Rather than improve your MH, you’re likely to suffer more OP.

No one on here can tell you whether having MH issues will be a mark against your name (it certainly shouldn’t be) but seeking help, would certainly show you’re taking responsibility and seeking input from a professional when needed.

This covid sage will be affecting millions upon millions of people who gave previously never had MH issues. If SS hold seeking help against you, then I’d be very surprised as that would mean many more children being left in foster care.

Good luck OP. You’re only human and we all struggle at times!

Dear Lord OP it doesn't matter. Upfront honesty is what will win. I adopted husband is on anti depressants. You will do more damage to yourself and a child with an unmanaged mental health problem than a managed ine. Seek help and please do not be embarrassed. PM me if you need advice.

I adopted two children and I’d say I was, at the time in pretty robust mental health. Adoption nearly knocked me off my feet in the first six months. You really need to be ready, because you will not know which way is up for a few months. Looking after a traumatised, grieving child will not leave you with much left for yourself in the early days.

Social workers will see that you have had help for your anxiety, they will question you and probe further - they may even ask you to complete some more counselling. However, they will also see you identified that you needed help and you sought it. Overall, it will probably be seen as a strength - it may just mean that you start the process a little later.

But what you can do in the meantime is do all the research you can, get some childcare experience and pop over to the adoption board, say hi (lovely bunch of knowledgeable people... and lots of us have had bumps in the road before we adopted) and visit Adoption UK, so when you are ready to go the process will be as smooth as possible.

No talking will do a lot more damage to your health than it will to the adoption process, please go and see your doctor, I felt like this for years, and as soon as I spoke to my GP, just having someone talk and understand eased my mind, I didn't need to go onto any medication, but talking and admitting you need a bit of support is the first major step.

What Whatthechicken said - back in the day I was required to come off anti-depressants to adopt, which I did, was in a very good place by the time DC were placed, but my god those first months pushed me way beyond what I thought my limit was. I would in no way have stuck it out if my MH had been poor before placement, it's like living in a whirlwind.

I'm not trying to put you off, adoption can be amazing, but you must get yourself stable before you are responsible for a scared traumatised child. Its not fair to anyone involved if you don't, and the stakes couldn't be higher

I have no idea whether it would impact your chances of adopting or not, but purposely refusing to allow your wife to seek help for her MH because it might look bad on a safeguarding assessment does not suggest to me that your H is a suitable candidate for adopting a child. I’d say that looks very bad indeed from a safeguarding point of view in fact.