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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel like my partner is way out of my league?

66 replies

chickenwings7 · 22/01/2021 23:49

Very silly I know. Feeling a bit down lately and wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this with their other half. I've been with my boyfriend for the last 3 years and he makes me very happy but I've always had this niggling feeling that he's very much out of my league and I have no idea why he would want to be with someone like me.

He is in good shape, has a lovely smile, amazing tattoo's which compliment his body even more. He's smart, funny, kind (I can honestly say there is not a bad bone in his body). Has a very good job, a degree.

I'm on the larger side (well, a size 16). I don't think I'm gorgeous or naturally pretty. I have an okay job, but no degree or many qualifications (struggled in school). I don't think I'm particularly smart but I do have a lot of life skills. One thing I will compliment myself on is (I think) I'm funny and have been told so by quite a few people. Obviously I know he loves me and sees something in me which I can't see. He makes me feel special every day. He's never given me any reason to believe he would cheat or hurt me but I do worry he might find someone better one day. I don't know why I feel this way.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 23/01/2021 08:28

I have a friend who described her new partner as 'like a Greek god' . I was expecting to meet some male model and yes, he was perfectly nice and definitely attractive but not someone that I would have looked twice at. Sometimes it just your perception of them.

hamstersarse · 23/01/2021 08:41

This is going to sound awful but the research seems to play it out.

There isn’t a league as such, but people do tend to partner someone who is of similar attractiveness....but there is some nuance to that around economic status. Men tend to marry ‘below’ or ‘at’ their status level (economic status level) and value attractiveness more, women tend to marry ‘at’ or ‘above’ their status level.

So I hear when you talk about him having a degree and good job that you are doing what women have done for millennia...marry ‘up’. (It’s actually one of the biggest drivers of inequality that women very rarely marry ‘down’ )
But on the back of that you seem worried you don’t have the attractiveness that is important to men (I know I know, it’s just a thing that comes from lots of research) but as pp are saying, this is more than likely your own view of yourself and he is more than satisfied with how attractive you are.

Norwayreally · 23/01/2021 08:45

You think you aren’t naturally pretty but he obviously does. You clearly have other qualities he appreciates too, he wouldn’t have stayed with you for three years if not.

Iwonder08 · 23/01/2021 08:58

OP, it is entirely possible your guy actually prefers curvy girls so your size might be an advantage. Degree is not important at all, it doesn't reflect one's intellectual ability. The fact you are funny is priceless, do you know how many women are permanently annoyed or unhappy with minor things and just suck all the fun from surroundings? I bet your guy had quite a few of them before and now he is relaxed and happy with you because you don't make him miserable, but fill his life with joy.

missbunnyrabbit · 23/01/2021 08:58

I'm with you, OP.

I'm definitely punching! My boyfriend is gorgeous and fit, but kind and funny too. And earns nearly double my wage (same age).

I'm short, skinny-fat and very plain. And a teacher, so don't earn much and work stupid hours.

I don't know what he sees in me, other than he's got someone who worships the ground he walks on Grin

LongDistanceClaret · 23/01/2021 09:00

I think that you would find people making ‘jokey’ comments if what you are saying is true. ‘Oooh, you’ve done well there girl’ (with a wink). People can’t help themselves.

The reality I’m sure is that you are lacking a bit of confidence and you have an awful lot going for you. A sense of humour is a very attractive quality for a start. You are enough.

Pinkdelight3 · 23/01/2021 09:03

There's a quote - "Show me a beautiful woman, I'll show you a man who's tired of fucking her."

It's brutally put, but persists because of something in it. Because there's way more to life than leagues of looks. And besides, plenty of men like size 16 women so that's no detracting factor. Nor do relationships require academic qualifications. But funny is priceless. Value yourself. You're long past the looks stage. He looks at you and sees who he loves. You need to look at yourself with love too - and enjoy not going out with a twonk!

OwlLovesTea · 23/01/2021 09:05

two things

First, I bet your boyfriend isn't as good looking as you think. Sorry but you read that all the time, people over estimate the handsomeness of their partner and run themselves down. ''He looks like benedict cumberbatch''. no he does not I assure you

Also, the being funny thing strikes a real chord with me. For a long time before I felt like I was enough, I was funny. I had these overwhelming feelings that I had to EARN my place at the table. I had to sing for my supper. I was funny! I am funny Grin I had trained myself to see the humour in everything and I wasn't stupid so I used my intelligence in that way................... yup, like you, a clever woman with no qualification or not degree because I'd use all of my social and emotional intelligence to work out how to be a comedian!

Use your social and emotional intelligence in a different way now. Use it to silence your inner critic. Decide that you're going to work on your self esteem. You are enough, you are good enough as you are. You don't need to adhere to any hierarchical grading system to 'fit' with somebody.

I really like Nathanial Brandon's six pillars of self-esteem. I isten to it every couple of years. I really like what he says about self-efficacy as well. It helped me understand why despite having silenced my inner critical voice, I still doubted myself and still lacked bravery. So that was the 'label' I needed to work on the last piece in the self-esteem puzzle.

Cairnterrorist · 23/01/2021 09:14

I say I’m punching.

My OH says he’s punching.

We are happy and that’s all that matters.

OwlLovesTea · 23/01/2021 09:17

@hamstersarse that is very interesting.
How could a person read more about that?

My x, dcs father, he had good a levels, a good degree, post grad qualifications specific to the job, and to begin with when he seemed like a lonely nerd and felt young, free, sociable and pretty, I felt I could be his equal in a relationship but after a while and 2 dc I felt worthless because on paper i was nothing next to him. He encourage me to feel less than him though.

Now i know I was the strong one and I don't feel less than him at all but I can see now how I walked in to a predictable ''trap''.

Everybody I"ve dated since I recovered from that experience, they've had either less security, or only the same. I"ve been really mistrusting of setups where the man has money, a good job, it just makes me think he'll capitalise on our lack of equality when it suits him to do so. The last man I dated, he had the same pay but he believes it's a man's world which was invaluable to me. He doesn't hate feminists. He understood his sisters' had been robbed of their freedom by men who took no responsibility.

Resources allow a man to be a dickhead in a relationship. Not sure if that is realism or my own 'scar'

Cairnterrorist · 23/01/2021 09:20

I don’t agree on the marry up thing.

My ex and I were,on the same level. He was a wanker.

I was single a long time and now I’m dating my oh. He earns multiples more than me (20x) and is better looking than me but the relationship is equal. Between the two of us, we are equal. And he never makes me feel inferior in any way.

OwlLovesTea · 23/01/2021 09:22

But ''same level'' was one of the options if you like.

Men marry at their same level of socio economic status or down.
Women marry at their same level of attractiveness or down.

I think this holds true 9 times out of ten.

turnitonagain · 23/01/2021 09:23

I have a few friends who describe their partners in a way that doesn’t match what I see with my own eyes Grin Love goggles!

Also agree with a PP, could be sexual compatibility. The best looking bloke on my uni course ended up madly in love with a very average looking girl who dressed in trackies and didn’t brush her hair. He told a mutual friend she was absolutely wild in bed Wink

OwlLovesTea · 23/01/2021 09:30

I think my last bf was not as attractive as I am (but he was younger ! and I'm a middle aged woman) and also, he was not as well set up financially. He didn't have kids to consider which i do. so his freedom elevated his ''status'' to be frank. He also had 6-8 years more potential future earnings than I could bank on. Leagues are not carved in stone I do agree, but as the op confirms, people like to feel that they're not just lucky to have their partner for the time being. They want to know their partner doesn't KNOW he / she could easily do ''better''.

OwlLovesTea · 23/01/2021 09:34

@turnitonagain oh I know, it can be quite funny. I remember one friend of mine was afraid to go on holiday with her girlfriends because women would be coming on to her boyfriend in her absence. He was like a young prince charles but with ginger hair which I like to be honest but he had no visible eyelashes, crooked teeth, no chin. What she saw was different from what the rest of us saw!

Cam2020 · 23/01/2021 09:43

Bloody hell, I find it so sad that this is what society has reduced women to. It seems that your weight/looks (as you perceive them) undermines how you see yourself. You are a whole person, not just a facade.

One thing I will compliment myself on is (I think) I'm funny and have been told so by quite a few people.

I'm sure you possess many, many other qualities that make you an attractive person that far outweigh anything else. Having a degree is just another superficial show of intelligence - it doesn't mean people without one aren't intelligent.

Flowers
Snackz · 23/01/2021 09:46

Being funny tops everything if you ask me Smile

OwlLovesTea · 23/01/2021 09:56

I don't have a degree but I think it shows that you believe in yourself and you believe in your ability to persevere for 3-4 years and to apply yourself to that goal in a focused way. It's an investment in to yourself.

I definitely lacked self-esteem when I was younger and thought I was stupid. But I see now I didn't have the momentum. ie, the self-esteem to carry myself forward. I didn't lack the intelligence but I lacked the belief in myself to have a goal and to be able to persevere at it. It's hard to explain to people who don't get it because you either feel it in your core, I can do that!! or you feel at your core oh, three whole years I don't know what if I fail and waste three years failing

LongDistanceClaret · 23/01/2021 10:02

Re the degree, I know some pretty air-headed people who managed to get a degree, and I know some very switched on people who don’t have one. The fact you don’t have a degree doesn’t mean you’re not smart.

Emeraldshamrock · 23/01/2021 10:06

You need to put it out of your head.
DP was far better looking than me it did make me insecure at times early in the relationship.
Women would turn to look at him 6.2 dark handsome that was his exterior.
He cant help that.
His personality was warm loyal and loving.
Now he put on 4 stone Still same man to me Grin
There is nothing more attractive than someone who makes you laugh, he sounds happy and comfortable with you.
If it makes you feel better about yourself why not have a healthy focus busy yourself with getting fit.
You don't need too he is with you but it would improve your confidence.

DragonPoop · 23/01/2021 10:17

I think my DH is way out of my league, he thinks I’m out of his league.

Onlinedilema · 23/01/2021 10:24

With all due respect I've never seen a man who is droppingly beautiful in real life, only in films. I tell a lie I did know someone once. He was crap in bed and a total shit.

margaritasbythesea · 23/01/2021 10:28

A sense of humour, good will and the desire to have a good time are crucially important in my marriage. They're rare and precious. I married him for his smile and stupid jokes.

Plus, DH prefers me 10 kilos heavier than I like to be. He's winning that one at present.

GreenlandTheMovie · 23/01/2021 10:38

I think you're possibly over-rating your partner.

How does getting someone else to paint pictures on him increase his attractiveness?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 10:39

Advice? Yes stop creating problems were none exist. You’re a solid couple
He is kind,makes you laugh and you’re happy. He’s with the woman he wants to be with ➡️YOU

Degrees are predominantly a work thing, day to day have no impact on a relationship. No one shouts out to their partner Oi! pop the kettle on seeing you’re a graduate. There’s a love
I don’t want around asking Shall we get a multipack of beans or pause whilst I discuss the efficacy of random controlled trials?

Like the Bridget Jones line he likes you, very much. Just as you are

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