Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral arrangements

27 replies

TheUndoingProject · 22/01/2021 18:17

My husband died last week. His sister lives overseas and isn’t going to attend his funeral. Attending would be difficult, although not impossible, because of Covid so I understand why she and her family aren’t coming (although I am, I confess, a bit surprised about blasé she seems about missing it).

She has spoken to me about scattering his ashes and has asked us to wait to do so until she is next in town. I want to scatter his ashes when the time feels right for me and my children, rather than being dictated to by when she can next be bothered to visit. AIBU?

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 22/01/2021 18:20

Could you live-stream his funeral?
I am so sorry for your loss.
I can understand why she would like to be there for the scattering because she’s missing the funeral BUT I can also understand why that would be a personal thing for you and your children.
Would you consider sending her some? (Is that crass of me to say that? I hope not, I don’t want to offend or upset you.)

Notimeforaname · 22/01/2021 18:22

Save her some ashes in a small urn?is this an option?

Notimeforaname · 22/01/2021 18:22

Also very sorry for your loss.Flowers

CaveMum · 22/01/2021 18:32

So sorry for your loss.

You can ask for the ashes to be split so that a portion can be kept aside for his sister to do as she wishes. When MIL died (and having not left any requests re what happened with her ashes) we asked the crematorium to split the ashes in two so we could inter half with her parents and half in the town where she lived.

TidyDancer · 22/01/2021 18:35

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it would be kind to wait if you can. Is there a special date that means you won't be able to? Or a special date in the future that you may all be able to look to?

bloodywhitecat · 22/01/2021 18:35

Scatter his ashes when you are ready, don't be pressured by anyone else. I am so sorry for your loss Flowers.

StCharlotte · 22/01/2021 18:36

My condolences Flowers

It's very hard. My (divorced) sister died a couple of years ago and her daughter was incredibly possessive about the proceedings - even her son had no say in matters. Fortunately we were able to attend the funeral but I don't know if the ashes have even been scattered.

I understand there's a natural "hierarchy" but please don't disregard other family members' grief - it is also valid and real. She may be coming across as blasé about the funeral but perhaps she's trying not to add to your stress. I think she should have an opportunity to say her goodbyes too Smile

MaskingForIt · 22/01/2021 19:03

@Notimeforaname

Save her some ashes in a small urn?is this an option?
To each their own, but dividing up ashes skeeves me out enormously. Would the OP even want to do this?
KrisAkabusi · 22/01/2021 19:05

I think your last line is unfair. She can't travel now, but I'm sure she will in the future when she's able. He was your husband, but it's her brother, so it's alright she has an opportunity to say goodbye as well. Give it some time and try suggesting a time that will suit everyone.

Meredithgrey1 · 22/01/2021 19:12

So sorry for your loss.

I would do whatever is best for your children.

PegasusReturns · 22/01/2021 19:16

I’m sorry for your loss.

In the kindest possible way I think you’re being blinded by your grief it’s really not his sister’s fault that she cannot travel - options for plane travel are so limited for us all without considering any other factors that might apply.

Unless there is a huge backstory it’s unlikely she can’t be bothered, more likely she doesn’t want to make you feel worse by getting upset/angry/frustrated and I’m sure she’d appreciate being included in arrangements when this awfulness is over.

Original poster
TheUndoingProject · 22/01/2021 19:37

Yes, I do think I’m being unfair and she deserves a chance to say goodbye.

I just feel angry that she didn’t bother to visit throughout his (long) illness, isn’t coming to the funeral, has left me to pick up the pieces with her devastated elderly mother but is getting to dictate the scattering of the ashes to suit her convenience.

It doesn’t help that DH never spoke about his ashes and I have no idea what to do with them really and feel a bit odd about it. I wasn’t even sure I wanted them at all! I’m also worried making a big production over the ashes will be difficult for the kids, and drag things up in months or years to come.

I don’t want to cause a family falling out at a difficult time, but I am bit angry about how totally unsupportive she’s been and I guess I’m pouring it all into this issue.

OP posts:
Fudgsicles · 22/01/2021 19:47

I don't think I'd be so accommodating. She can't pull the sister card when she hardly seem to be that bothered about her brother when she had the chance to be.

Are you even going to scatter them? Not everyone does. Or some like some put into jewellery.

You don't have to rush into any decision, take your time and do what's best for you at the moment. Sorry for your loss.

MaskingForIt · 22/01/2021 20:00

You could always scatter his ashes and then take her to visit the site to lay flowers when she can visit.

Or as others say, so what is best for your and his children.

Original poster
TheUndoingProject · 22/01/2021 20:19

Honestly I was sort of planning on just putting the ashes in a cupboard for a few months and thinking about it later, when I’ve had time to reflect and to discuss it fully with the kids. I feel she’s foisting a decision on me at a time when I have so much else to do and worry about.

The thought of dividing his ashes up seems totally grim to me for some reason.

OP posts:
Noodledoodledoo · 22/01/2021 20:38

There is no rush with the ashes so I think put them in a cupboard is a perfectly reasonable option.

We did this with my mums, they ended up moving with stuff we were storing after we had sold the house to my Grandma house - she never knew as it would have upset her. They then got smuggled out of her house to take back to the crematorium to be scattered there. After about 2 years - me and my sister didn't know what to do at the time as it was all a massive shock.

Serin · 22/01/2021 22:30

Sorry for your loss OP.
I think I would just tell her that you will give her notice of when you will be interring his ashes and that she will be welcome to attend if she can make it.

wibblewombat · 22/01/2021 22:34

I would keep them until you're more comfortable with a destination.

My condolences.

FraughtwithGin · 22/01/2021 22:37

My condolences.
It is a difficult time for everyone and made more so by the c thing and travel restrictions.
Do what you think is right and what your husband would have wanted.
If it is any consolation, I have both my parents' ashes about 1000km away from where I am and no chance to resolve the situation at present.
Big hug from me.

Time4change2018 · 22/01/2021 22:40

Don't make any decisions now. Neither agree or otherwise. In a few weeks / months you'll decide what's best and no doubt include his mother and advise her of the date if you are choosing to scatter them. Leave her the option to attend with a little notice if possible without making the moment about her.
Totally understand why you feel so unsupported, I'm sure you MIL is feeling the same about her daughter too.
Flowers

AdaColeman · 22/01/2021 23:07

No need to rush into a decision about the ashes, the undertaker may offer to keep them for you for a while or you can keep them yourself.

A time will come when it will seem right for you and your children to take the next step and scatter the ashes. You will know in your heart when that time arrives, you won't need the sister's approval to do so.

My guess is that the sister knows she has let her brother and you down, and her demand to be involved in disposing of the ashes is a way for her to validate her grief in front of the family. But it's no part of your role to give credence to that.

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss, hard and painful at any time, but it must be so much more difficult at present with all the rules and restrictions to deal with.

GlowingOrb · 22/01/2021 23:13

What a horrible situation for all involved.
I don’t believe anyone should be traveling right now so I think your SIL has made the right choice.

You don’t have to make a commitment to wait to spread the ashes until she can attend. Without a definite plan that just isn’t fair for you. If it works out to wait, it would be nice to do so, but there is no obligation.

katy1213 · 22/01/2021 23:33

You don't have to scatter ashes, or even claim them. Take your time and do what feels right for you. You're probably being a bit hard on your sister-in-law; she wasn't demanding, more expressing an interest in being there should there be a ceremony later on. And how is she being blasé? If she were kicking up a display of conspicuous grief, it wouldn't help anyone!

Dobbyismyfavourite · 23/01/2021 01:07

I'm sorry for your loss OP. You have so much on your plate that I would push back on the scattering of your DH's ashes as there is no rush. You need to do what is best for you and your children.

Californiabakes · 23/01/2021 01:14

I’m so sorry about the death of your husband and his long illness. I can’t imagine how you must all be feeling. It’s totally understandable that you feel angry with his sister about her ka Mack if support. There is no need to make any decisions about ashes at any time soon. You can decide what you and your children want to do with them at any point, and the decision can be made in whatever timeframe you decide.