My 16 YO daughter

[Blueskysunsout]

This could be a long post so thank you if you get to the end.
V basic backstory - 2dc, 16 yo dd and 14 yo ds.
With exh since I was a teenager and split 2015 due to long term emotional/physical abuse.
I have met a new partner since not long after the split, got together early 2016.
I have had a very difficult 5/6 years with ex. He has still tried to be controlling and is clnwtanbas mouthing me to children.
There has been police involvement but all they do is speak to ex about what he has done. (The reason for the split was a very bad beating and he was punished through the courts, com payback order and non harassment order)
I have always tried to be a good mum to my dc, spent time with them, bought them nice things, went on lovely holidays, tried to give them happy childhoods) however my ex has pissed all over it telling my dd that I used to shout and hit her. She said she can’t remember it but then has asked me things that have never happened. I feel so shit that he has tried to turn my dd against me. My ds does not listen to his dad and is fine.
To the point - wife just before my dd 16 bday her dad was telling her she doesn’t need to do what I tell her, that she could see her bf (a boy of 17 I can’t take to, he is from a very very rough family, smokes cannabis and sells it. I have tried to speak to the mother but was told to F off by her)
My dd dad said he has no problem with the bf it is just a phase. This was 7 months ago.
I told my dd last August that if she continued to disrespect my house, eg not coming home on time, reeking of cannabis, speaking to my partner, her brother and I like crap, leaving a trail of mess behind her etc that she couldn’t continue to live at home. I was feeling very similar to when I lived with her dad, walking on eggshells waiting on things kicking off) Her dad was basically telling her that as she was 16 she could do as she pleases.

She went to live at her dads who let the bf stay at his house and let my dd stay over at the bf mums (because he has a gf who he sees and wanted dd out the way) . My ex then started his emotial abusing my dd, lying to her, preen did that he hadn’t said things he had (gaslighting? His own daughter) she fell out with her dad and went to live at the bf mums house with them in November.
She has continued with school work but is in such a mess. She has lost so much weight.
I begged her to come home before Christmas and she did but then went back to stay at the bf mums for a night around about 16the dec and didnt come back home except on Christmas Day to collect all her presents and I’ve never seen her again. (She stayed at her dads on Christmas Eve and he had a lunch up with the bf on Christmas morning) I’ve told her she should have been at home with me and seen the bf on Christmas night and these things wouldn’t happen.
She has asked to come by to collect the rest of her things and I’ve said no. She has said she will come with the police, to which I replied that she will get in trouble if she speaks to the police as she stinks of cannabis.
I feel like her dad as ruined her life just to get to me. I’m worried constantly about her and have barely slept a full night since last August.

I rally don’t know what to do. I want her home but at the same time I feel like she is so off the rails I couldn’t have her living here as she is so disruptive and I have my son to think about.
Am I bad mother for feeling like this and letting this happen to my daughter? Will she ever come back and be my fighter again?

There is lots I’ve missed out as it’s such a lot but she asks for money for takeaways and I get sweating texts and calls if I say no, I’ve had people I know tell me they’ve seen her giving drugs to other teenage girls. But at the same time she is so quiet, still going to school, speaks nicely to my mum about her life eg friends and school. (Afaik she has fell out with all her friends except one)

Also this week I have had exh exgf call me asking if he was deranged as he has been extremely abusive to her. I just told her to call the police. She did and all they did was call him and tell them to leave her alone. Why is he getting away with this given his history?

Why didn't you let her collect her stuff from you?
Are you doing anything to financially support her?
Are the BF's family reliable if you gave them some money for her keep?

(imho)
You are doing right thing to not hand her money on demand.
You don't get to control events in life of your exH.
You need to detach from the Dd & even more from the exH, and cope with the choices you have one day at a time.

She's not making choices most people would like, but she's still in school and has secured a roof over her head. Some kids don't even have those skills.

Typos - Christmas morning meant to read a punch up not lunch up (exh beat up daughters bf Christmas morning.

Be my Daughter for fighter (although it does feel like that 😞)

Swearing texts not sweaty texts lol.

@lljkk
This is going to sound bad but no I’ve not given her a penny as I’m trying to make her see that she needs to be at home. If she can’t live here with my love and cate for her then
she’s on her own. I’d give her the sun moon and stars as I always have abs shown her love it’s such a kick in the teeth. Her dad is giving her money though, I think about £60 a month but the bf has cash from selling drugs.

The things she wanted were some clothes. She took away around £450ish worth of new clothes I got her for Christmas. I was angry at her come if home for two weeks coming shopping with me picking all the new clothes then disappearing only to reappear for a couple of hours Christmas Fay for the things I’d bought her.

I have detached from her and it hurts. I constantly think about her.

no I’ve not given her a penny as I’m trying to make her see that she needs to be at home. If she can’t live here with my love and cate for her then
she’s on her own.

Wow. You've really failed that poor girl.

You're as abusive as him.

@user1174147897

She made choice to leave home, I’m not giving her money to support her staying with a drug dealer under his mums roof who is fine with her sons “job”

I don’t think you should be detaching from your dd. 16 is still a child and I’m not surprised she’s messed up with everything she’s been through. I bet growing up was difficult with her father around, Even if he wasn’t abusive towards her, seeing you go through that would’ve affected her. Kids are more observant than we realise and really pick up on negative atmospheres and are affected negatively by it. And then afterwards, the gaslighting and goodness knows what else from him (bearing up her boyfriend?!?) Poor kid.
If it was me, and others might disagree, but I’d be showing her love and commitment, no matter what. She’s probably testing you by using you as someone she can vent her frustrations towards. I would show her that she’s loved unconditionally. That’s probably what she needs right now.

You told her to move out and are now telling her she has to move back, you won’t let her have her belongings or any financial support because she won’t? Am I confused about what you want or are you?

@TBombadil

I have. I told her in nov that o needed her back home. And she agreed and came home. I gave her a weekly allowance, and reminded her of her home comforts that she’s missed out on. She came back but she was constantly crying and arguing with the bf. She can’t leave him for a day. I dont think she trusts him. And I know he speaks to her badly.
I’ve tried everything with her from being straight it’s her about what she is doing to herself to telling her I’m ill with worry about her. I’ve told her she thrives at home and we all miss her, but no the bf house has more of an appeal.
Her attitude and the way she speaks to me is very painful and reminiscent of her dad. I know he’s told her how to speak to me and wind W up a my sons told me he says these things to them.

I'm sorry your ultimatums haven't worked how you wanted. I hope she works things out better soon. My mother was too soft for a long time on my druggie brothers & they just took advantage. Sometimes there are no good choices.

if her bf is selling drugs & having her sell drugs, can you report him to the police as grooming her? Get her on the radar as someone who is vulnerable & needs support. Similarly, make sure the school knows that she needs support.

Keep communications open - send her texts about daily life and invite her for a cup of tea etc. Keep telling her you miss her and that there is a room ready for her when she wants to come home.

I have a 16 year old dd too btw. It’s a difficult age because they feel ‘adult’ but they still need us to guide them a bit. But I can’t imagine ever detaching myself from her. It sounds like your dd needs you now more than ever.
With the boyfriend, okay so he’s ‘rough‘ and deals weed. But maybe by being so against him you made him into this exciting, rebellious figure for your dd. I would maybe get to know him, try not to judge him too harshly in front of her or she’ll just see you as the enemy. What does your dd see in him? He must have some good qualities if he’s stuck by her and let her move in when her family have let her down? Relationships at this age usually blow over sooner rather than later so I would talk to your dd about contraception etc and just accept their relationship for now.
I definitely would not be telling her you’ll call the police If she comes to collect her things and that she’ll be in trouble for smelling of weed. If you continue like this you’ll probably lose her forever.

@AnneLovesGilbert

It is confusing. I told her if she continued to come home stinking and I mean really Sri king of cannabis, causing arguments and not coming home until very very late that she could live here. I have house rules that she has to respect. I do t want my home stinking of cannabis from her. She said fine and left. I did t think she would though. She went to her dads which I was just about ok with as I thought she’d come home hen she seen hat her dad is really like. But she didn’t come home she went to live at her bf mums house which I’m not okay with. I didn’t put her out. I told her she had to respect my house and everyone who lives here.

If you don't want her back you need to let her have her things.

Three questions:

1. What year is she in and what month is her birthday?
2. Are you getting any tax credits/child benefit for her?
3. Is she still in contact with her dad?

@lunar1 I know I do she has lots at her dads just a few things left here. I suppose subconsciously it’s just to save her having to bring them back again when she comes home. I’m in denial that she’s gone. I want my “old” daughter back.

@Littleideasbigbook

She will be 17 in July. No cb as I told them she want here anymore, she is in 5th year at high school. She couldn’t left in June last year.

Could have left in june last year.

She is still a child in full time education! Drag her home and keep her there. For gods sake, parent her! It won’t be easy but time to get strict before she ends up pregnant or in a ditch somewhere.

as I’m trying to make her see that she needs to be at home

Forcing her into a corner, escalating this situation is going to end up making it worse. You're forcing her to take certain actions that she disagrees with, and she's going to rile against it at 16.

You need to show your daughter that you have her back. You love her, unconditionally (that doesn't always mean approving of her choices, or funding her lifestyle without question).

I feel desperately sorry for your DD in this situaton, it sounds awful and no wonder she's ended up in a very sorry state, with what she's been through plus having all the normal confusing aspects of being 16 on top.

You need to really focus on re-building a healthy, strong bond with your daughter before it's too late (this type of scenario is likely to end up in teen pregnancy, drug dependency, maybe her being trapped without her own money in an abusive relationship long-term etc...).

She really needs you as her mum now more than ever.

@Summersun2020

I have called the police, school, social services, parent line (a helpline for parents) I can’t do a thing as she is 16 and she is “making her own choices” if I drag her home and keep her in I’ll be in trouble.

I’ve been told by police and social services to let her learn from her own mistakes. She is very headstrong.

So Year 11?

Speak to school. Ask them to make a referral to Early Help or prevention. When you get a worker out they will do an assessment, tell them that you want a referral to Healthy Relationships and your local independent domestic abuse service for suppirt for children who have witnessed DV and drug services. Tell them that your family goal is to get DD home. Think about what the top 3 conditions for allowing her home?

Ultimately you have PR, so you will have proactively make a plan about where she lives. If you want her home and she fails to come home, you repeatedly make missing from home and care notifications to the police and they have a statutory obligation to return her. You need to step in and intervene here with professional help and either parent fiercely or you need to give her her things and let her make her own way but it is pretty terrible it has got this far. I have professional experience but I also have two teenage DC, one of whom has been an arsehole (he is 17) but I have parented him to within an inch of his life (his dad is MIA) and got other people involved. It's hard work to make the changes needed but you are the adult, she us a child.

I sympathise as it’s a terrible situation but from what I can see you are both being as stubborn as each other. You want her home and to abide by your rules and to act a certain way, I understand that but what you’ve basically said if she doesn’t do as you say you will not support her in any way. That is controlling. She is 16, regardless of where she stays you are responsible for ensuring she has access to food, clothes and a roof over head. You are withholding financial support until she does what you want. That feels abusive and in her situation I would probably distance myself from that dynamic too. I feel bad for her and hope that as the adult you can come to see things from her perspective too.

@user1174147897. Do you feel better now?

Summersun2020

She is still a child in full time education! Drag her home and keep her there. For gods sake, parent her! It won’t be easy but time to get strict before she ends up pregnant or in a ditch somewhere.

I agree with this 100%