My 16 YO daughter

[Blueskysunsout]

This could be a long post so thank you if you get to the end.
V basic backstory - 2dc, 16 yo dd and 14 yo ds.
With exh since I was a teenager and split 2015 due to long term emotional/physical abuse.
I have met a new partner since not long after the split, got together early 2016.
I have had a very difficult 5/6 years with ex. He has still tried to be controlling and is clnwtanbas mouthing me to children.
There has been police involvement but all they do is speak to ex about what he has done. (The reason for the split was a very bad beating and he was punished through the courts, com payback order and non harassment order)
I have always tried to be a good mum to my dc, spent time with them, bought them nice things, went on lovely holidays, tried to give them happy childhoods) however my ex has pissed all over it telling my dd that I used to shout and hit her. She said she can’t remember it but then has asked me things that have never happened. I feel so shit that he has tried to turn my dd against me. My ds does not listen to his dad and is fine.
To the point - wife just before my dd 16 bday her dad was telling her she doesn’t need to do what I tell her, that she could see her bf (a boy of 17 I can’t take to, he is from a very very rough family, smokes cannabis and sells it. I have tried to speak to the mother but was told to F off by her)
My dd dad said he has no problem with the bf it is just a phase. This was 7 months ago.
I told my dd last August that if she continued to disrespect my house, eg not coming home on time, reeking of cannabis, speaking to my partner, her brother and I like crap, leaving a trail of mess behind her etc that she couldn’t continue to live at home. I was feeling very similar to when I lived with her dad, walking on eggshells waiting on things kicking off) Her dad was basically telling her that as she was 16 she could do as she pleases.

She went to live at her dads who let the bf stay at his house and let my dd stay over at the bf mums (because he has a gf who he sees and wanted dd out the way) . My ex then started his emotial abusing my dd, lying to her, preen did that he hadn’t said things he had (gaslighting? His own daughter) she fell out with her dad and went to live at the bf mums house with them in November.
She has continued with school work but is in such a mess. She has lost so much weight.
I begged her to come home before Christmas and she did but then went back to stay at the bf mums for a night around about 16the dec and didnt come back home except on Christmas Day to collect all her presents and I’ve never seen her again. (She stayed at her dads on Christmas Eve and he had a lunch up with the bf on Christmas morning) I’ve told her she should have been at home with me and seen the bf on Christmas night and these things wouldn’t happen.
She has asked to come by to collect the rest of her things and I’ve said no. She has said she will come with the police, to which I replied that she will get in trouble if she speaks to the police as she stinks of cannabis.
I feel like her dad as ruined her life just to get to me. I’m worried constantly about her and have barely slept a full night since last August.

I rally don’t know what to do. I want her home but at the same time I feel like she is so off the rails I couldn’t have her living here as she is so disruptive and I have my son to think about.
Am I bad mother for feeling like this and letting this happen to my daughter? Will she ever come back and be my fighter again?

There is lots I’ve missed out as it’s such a lot but she asks for money for takeaways and I get sweating texts and calls if I say no, I’ve had people I know tell me they’ve seen her giving drugs to other teenage girls. But at the same time she is so quiet, still going to school, speaks nicely to my mum about her life eg friends and school. (Afaik she has fell out with all her friends except one)

Also this week I have had exh exgf call me asking if he was deranged as he has been extremely abusive to her. I just told her to call the police. She did and all they did was call him and tell them to leave her alone. Why is he getting away with this given his history?

@Littleideasbigbook

I spoke to the school way back when this all started. They have her speaking to a family support worker at the school (the worker only speaks to dd not me) the guidance and support have tried to get her to come home.
The local domestic violence team at the council had a refuel for her but once she turned 16 she was to do it herself. We are in Scotland so if I call the policeman’s report her missing they just say she’s over 16 sorry can’t help as does social work. I can’t believe that I am powerless as I am as a parent. The whole second time she left there was no arguing nothing she just chose to go stay at her bf house and hasn’t spoken to me since I told her that felt used on Christmas day just to get the new clothes and gifts. I was right I haven’t seen her since except a request for money. Which when I question it I was told to “just do it” (transfer to her account” I asked her not to speak to me like that and the bf shouted to “f-ing hang up”

I am so sorry to hear that you have had no support from police or social services. That seems to be their stance all along now.
Please stay strong and firm with your daughter. She is mixing with a very bad type with that boyfriend. I am concerned that you could face a while pile of repercussions from this. First you should protect yourself and do not take the risk of any drugs ever coming into your house. You have a younger DC and you dont want that DC becoming involved with drugs. People involved with drugs often start stealing and they could start taking your things to sell. Definitely try to stay away from all the violence. You are wise to detach, I didnt and I have spent years stressed completely because of the conduct of family members involved with the wrong type of person and drink and drugs and I am now a wreck of the person I was once. My nerves are shot and I have many phyical health problems. I put up with it for year in the hope that things would straighten out but so far there is not much change apart from the change from one useless partner to the next.
Dont underestimate the involvement of the ex husband. I also have one who is so manipulative and twisted. He does not like me much ( I dumped him) and is constantly trying to get back at me using the DC and DGC. He does not care about any of them he just wants to hurt me. He, like your ex, is trying to use the DC to hurt you and if you give in at all he will have won. I endured for years, decades even dont put yourself in my shoes. DD has had a good upbringing from you, she has the choice now, does she stay among people who try their best for there DC or does she go with life with a drug dealing boyfriend and a father who beats people up? I know what I would chose but I have an old head and DD does not. Most of all try to protect yourself and DS.Good Luck

@Norealclue

She did steal from me at the start. She admitted this. I feel so shit. I can’t handle the alleles nights and worry. When she came back in December it was fully on her terms. She was told she was loved, valued and very much missed. I told her not to confuse controlling with caring. I am not condoning the bf and her smoking can I is and providing money for this.
At her age I had a full time education and two little jobs. She barely does school work and wants of me and her dad. Trouble is her dad tells her a little puff does t do any arm, let’s the bf stay over “as that’s how teens act these days” we went and got the contraceptive rod for her and her dad took her and got it out.

@Peachee

Please read all my posts.
I’ve shown her love and support
I’ve tried the being straight route of being firm
I’ve tried asking for help from school social work etc
Everything thrown in my face. I feel so disheartened that I’ve lost my daughter and there is something I could have done. I’m shocked that there is nothing I can do.

@Blueskysunsout your latest posts concerns me a lot. Your ex telling you to let the boyfriend stay? What in your house your ex who I doubt is living there, is telling you to let someone you dont like to stay in your house? I hope you have told the ex to "go away"! or something similar. I had the same carry on of hardly going to school because the boyfriend wanted DD constantly with him.

You went to all the bother of getting her a contraceptive and then the ex took her to get it removed. Dear heavens, the next thing you know she will be pregnant! Of course that would mean she would be entitled to benefits for herself and the child which would get her a house from the council too. All this seems par for the course!
I am sorry you are going through this. If you think I can help feel free to PM me. I am about 20 years into much the same situation

Wow, I'm so sorry for you. What an absolute mess. In hindsight it all began when freedoms were given to her by her father, which you were in such a difficult situation.

I don't know what to suggest, I can't believe how school, police and social workers have just left her to it! She's breaking the law.

I think I would call the police on her. An arrest, caution, stay in a cell might shock her into making better decisions. Social workers might actually start doing their job and the punishment she receives might break that cycle between her and her boyfriend.

I do realise that might open a hornets nest, particularly with his family and also lead to a degree of risk. But I would accept that for my daughter.

I think if you can I would also leave the area. It's full of toxic people, drag your daughter with you'!

I know those solutions are probably unrealistic- but your in an extreme situation, might require extreme measures.

One day she is going to realise she has destroyed her adult life before it's begun. Be there to help her pick up the pieces. You are in an impossible situation you have done all you can.

@Littlepaws18 I called the police in novermbwr and they were going to speak to her but they still haven’t been. Shocking.

@Norealclue my ex lets her bf stay with her in her room at his house and he lets my dd stay over at her bf. I don’t like the bf and don’t want him in my home. They argue constantly and that’s why my ex had a fight with the bf on Christmas morning. After years of arguing from my exh I just want a peaceful life.

Why the fuck did her dad take her to get her implant removed?!

God it sounds like a nightmare OP. Especially if nobody willing to help you.

@rubybarley because he felt it was causing her to have emotional problems. I did agree here but felt that it could have been five more time to settle and wait until this awful situation had ended (the relationship I hoped it to end sooner) she has the depo now but it’s the upkeep of every 3 months that’s the worry.

Five - given

Op I feel for you because it is so hard parenting a teen of this age, especially when things go awry.

I would be concerned that the weight loss is due to more sustained drug use than the odd joint, without worrying you I think you need to just consider that if she is using drugs you are unlikely to be able to reason with her. Particularly with your ex husband undermining your every move.

Inform the school immediately about the situation and danger she is in, outline that she is between homes and can they refer her to Early Help as pp have rightly advised. This is your best hope, as it is very difficult to communicate with her at the moment.

I would suggest you tell her you love her dearly, and gently ask if she will consider coming home. Are you able to contact her bf's mother for support with this?
If she does come back, you are going to need to let a few things go, the mess etc. For now she simply needs to be somewhere safe, she is still a child op and needs help and support. Whatever she does I suggest for the moment it is met with kindness from you. Tell her you believe in her, and that she is your world and always has been (At the right moment show her photos of her childhood, remind her that you don't do violence and that is why you left her father) and that you are there for her.

Together you should try and work your way through this difficult patch.
You need to have counselling yourself op, because it sounds to me like you are being triggered every time she gets angry or confrontational. That is what teenagers do, but in order for you to parent properly you need to be able to stay calm, adult and unflappable. You can't do that if you are triggered, feeling scared or it is taking you back to a scary place. I know because the same happened to me. I found counselling hugely helpful to assist me in feeling back in control and not in that dark place every time someone shouts or feels upset.

Day by day. Hold her hand. She will come out the other side.

Sorry only just seen your update.

What did the school say about prevention op?

I think stand back and let her come back to you.

Tell you love her, you feel frightened for her - that she is in real danger and you have done all you can. Do not transfer anymore money. If she would like to collect her things then let her take them from the front door. Do not get angry or upset, keep telling her you are here for always, and love her.

If your exdh had a fight with her bf on christmas day I doubt they are on good terms still. I would imagine he is no longer welcome there, so now she only has the bf's house, and no money, so in the end may be asked to leave/ they may split up etc - that is all we can hope for.

She is too old to force her to come back, so now it is all about patience. She will eventually come back to you, she will know how much you love her on some level, she will grow out of this wild patch that many young women go through. When she does come back, and I do believe she will take her back with open arms, don't make her feel bad or guilty. This is not her fault, her own father was a terrible role model and we can hardly be surprised her first boyfriend is very similar.

feelingquitehopeful - love your post!

@feelingquitehopeful
I totally free with everything. The telling I love her part was done and I told her so much more when she came back. I am also agreeing that she triggers me as she calls me names that her dad used to call me years ago son he obviously still refers to me like this to her.
I am so torn because I want her back but at the same time I can’t cope with her out of control “her way or no way” behaviour.
I have a dr app on Monday so may ask if I can get some help re counselling to enable me to deal with her.
I wish she would wake up and see that the way sh is acting is not how she was brought up and that her life will be very difficult should she continue.

OP I sympathise. I think people don't understand the lack of power you have over a teen that age. They aren't adults in my eyes, but it seems they're often treated as such. You can't just drag her home as some suggest. She's not a two year old having a tantrum.
It is natural to feel like you're detaching. The stress makes you shut down in order to protect yourself.
The only thing I can suggest is trying to keep the lines of communication open somehow. When this goes tits up for her, which it will, you'll be there to turn to.

@Darklylookingdeeply I really hope so🙏🏼. I’m worried that she will be like this forever and when that boy is gone another of his type will come around as that’s the circle she is in now. She smokes weed a lot and will be looking for it every day now. I think that’s why she’s putting up with being treated badly from this bf of hers.

OP have you tried your local youth offending team, they do lots of what they call early intervention work with young people like your daughter, to try and help them stay out of the criminal justice system. Be really straight with them tell them you've tried school, police, social care and you're at your wits end, you're worried for her safety and there is a possibility her older boyfriend is using her to pass drugs to other teenage girls, and you feel there is controlling behaviour in the relationship. They are the best people in these circumstances, this is what they do

Oh and they work with up to 18 year olds so you won't get the same fob off you got with social care

OP, I am so sorry. This sounds truly awful.

A few things that strike me;

1. Do not rely on the police to help in this matter (or any others). They've clearly proven they are unable/unwilling to help.

2. Meet your daughter on mutual ground, alone. Have a photo of her before she started spiralling and show her her own reflection in a mirror (one of my ex-friends mums did this when she started drugs at school and it actually horrified her into quitting!). Speak to her like an adult and explain you love her but you can't support her in these decisions and if she is unwilling to listen to you then you will need to cut contact.

3. Prioritise yourself and your DS if she is unwilling/unable to be reasonable. It sounds like your daughter is bullying you and you shouldn't take that, especially if she's using the same names your ex used. It's cruel. You also need to consider the effect she will have on your DS if she carries on; he is still young.

4. Refer her to a Youth Team

It's a horrible position to be in OP. Your daughter is not an adult BUT she is 16 and thinks she is an adult. You can't just drag her home and make her go cold Turkey - life does not work like that, and it would probably make the situation worse.

Counselling and help with stress is a good start op. You need to be in the strongest possible frame of mind to be able to manage this situation.

I agree the youth offending team may be able to help, that is a very good suggestion and worth a shot.

Your dd is now going to decide what the rest of her life looks like, and as hard as it is to believe, she may grow out of this and look back on this period with horror. It is very important that you do not give up on her, that you keep telling her she is valued, you have total faith in her - you know she is a very good person. The fall out of her choices, could be bad or very bad, potentially both in terms of her own self confidence and in other ways. She will hold on to your words believe me, she will hold on to that faith, it will go in somewhere. So keep saying it. 'DD you may be going through a difficult time, but I am here for you and I know you can do this. you have always been a strong girl etc etc'. Endless positive reinforcement is what she needs. Your dd is up against it right now, as we can all see, with the dangerous men around her and drugs. BUT she does have you, and she does have on some level a fighting spirit, and when this does stop being fun and she wakes up one morning wondering who she has become, she has to have you to come back to.

She has a safe harbour in you, and that is all you can be right now.

Be her lighthouse. Yes she is at sea, yes it is choppy, fraught with dangers and a gathering storm, but in your heart know she has you, and she is very lucky to have at least one safe person in her life.

Hold tight. Take care of you, you can't afford to sink. Be strong and keep up the positive reinforcement even from afar. Thinking of you

Thank you peach

@Blueskysunsout I'm so sorry you & your DD are going through this. I agree with most of how you've handled this (I have an exh like yours and live in fear of this happening in years to come). The only thing I'd change is I'd have let her have her things.

On your ex telling her you did things you didn't etc, my advice don't get into a discussion on this. I've always responded a bit like this: ''That must have been really upsetting for you to hear from Daddy. It sounds like a very unkind way to treat a child''. Then just continue being a good mum, modelling the right way to behave. It's confusing to any child to hear these kind of things, but children do eventually realize who is lying / telling the truth. The police / courts can't stop him doing this so don't bother trying to make them - men like that ignore / delight in defying police. 5/6 years post split is also early days to recover from DV particularly when your ex is intent on continuing abuse through the children by undermining you / manipulating them.

Did she / you & DS ever had support from a DV team around the split? Dealing with this experience is really important. Have you tried calling the NSPCC for advice / signposting to services?

Oh my god. Her father getting her contraception taken out is like sabotaging her.
He's not on her side at all.