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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable

49 replies

Vilanelle · 21/01/2021 14:53

Person A had a rant about the mess on the house to a friend via WhatsApp, exact message "house is a fucking mess :')

Person B viewed the message and has take offence. They were using person A's phone as theirs was dead. Reply popped up and pressed on it accidentally.

Is Person A in the wrong for being mean about the state person b left house in or is person b in the wrong for reading the messages

OP posts:
Original poster
Vilanelle · 21/01/2021 14:54

To clarify, person A has returned to work this week after 34 weeks maternity leave, and person B taking remainder of maternity leave

OP posts:
iklboo · 21/01/2021 14:54

Is Person A pulling their weight in cleaning the house or are they just moaning that Person B hadn't done it all to their liking?

FatCatThinCat · 21/01/2021 14:59

Is the house a 'fucking mess'?

User7312019 · 21/01/2021 15:01

Is it also person As house? And is it a fucking mess? They’re quite important factors

Murmurur · 21/01/2021 15:05

Person A's crime is worse IMO but they both need to apologise. This is one of those classic arguments when you have a baby in the house and you are shattered beyond belief and sniping.

JimandPam · 21/01/2021 15:06

The smile at the end of the message suggests it was a lighthearted comment as in 'oh well, it's a mess but who cares'
But I've probably read too much into it!

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2021 15:08

Why is the house fucking mess?

Why are you telling a friend and not your DH/DP?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2021 15:08

@JimandPam

The smile at the end of the message suggests it was a lighthearted comment as in 'oh well, it's a mess but who cares' But I've probably read too much into it!
It’s a crying face.
Bluntness100 · 21/01/2021 15:10

Does person a seem to think it’s persons bs job to keep the house in good nick? Why is b offended? Are they some how under the impression it’s their job?

AryaStarkWolf · 21/01/2021 15:12

hhhmmm more context is needed, were you complaining about Person B to your friend? I guess I'd be annoyed if I were Person B in that case, then again if Person B does fuck all all day while on leave and expects you to come home and do all that work then i could see why Person A is annoyed too but maybe is saying it to the wrong person?

Gazelda · 21/01/2021 15:13

I imagine Person A is knackered and letting off steam rather than taking it out in Person B.
Person B is probably knackered too and adjusting to being (temporary) main care giver and focussing on that rather than house tidying.
Person B only saw the message by accident so not 'snooping'
I think you should have a hug and agree to do a blitz at the weekend and then agree a fair workload for each of you.

WineInTheWillows · 21/01/2021 15:17

So, Person A has had a baby, Person B is baby's other parent. Person B has taken over looking after baby, who is roughly 8-9 months old, and has left the house in a state that Person A, who has been looking after the baby since it was born, finds unacceptable?

Person A has then messaged Person C to tell them that Person B has left the house a mess and Person B has seen this message?

For me, A shouldn't have been slagging off B behind their back and ought to have taken it up with B, like a grown up. B needs to pull their weight more.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2021 15:18

@Bluntness100

Does person a seem to think it’s persons bs job to keep the house in good nick? Why is b offended? Are they some how under the impression it’s their job?
There’s not doing the dishes which is one thing and leaving dirty nappies on the floor, which is another. A bit of mess isn’t a fucking mess so I assume it was pretty bad but hard to say.
ivfbeenbusy · 21/01/2021 15:32

Well we all know that messages pop up on the screen and can be read accidentally so I think you are trying to play the blame game with that one

Is the house a "fucking mess" or just not up to your standard??? Two massively different things 🤷‍♀️

ivfbeenbusy · 21/01/2021 15:34

Also assume Person A is the mother and Person B is the father......since this IS mumsnet can you imagine the uproar if the father came
Home from work and said the house was a "fucking mess" - the mother would be told to LTB. 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

WineInTheWillows · 21/01/2021 15:35

@ivfbeenbusy

Also assume Person A is the mother and Person B is the father......since this IS mumsnet can you imagine the uproar if the father came Home from work and said the house was a "fucking mess" - the mother would be told to LTB. 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
Could both be women. Or indeed men.
LesCuriousCat · 21/01/2021 15:38

I don't think either is unreasonable.

Is there more background to this?

HereWeGoAgainhaha · 21/01/2021 15:41

Person
B is offended because they know aren't pulling their weight and reading the message has confirmed it?

Calmandmeasured1 · 21/01/2021 15:45

Was person A being mean? They could have just been truthful. Think they should have talked about the mess to B though.

Person B should have been careful not to view messages on person A's phone.

Both need to communicate better.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 21/01/2021 15:48

I think this one is impossible.

I say to people our house is a mess at the moment, it's because we are always indoors and kids are messy. I'm not annoyed at anyone for not cleaning and I'm not passing on anything confidential or any kind of relationship secrets.

I think it might be offensive if the other person was by agreement responsible for all the tidying / cleaning, or there was some other reason for thinking it was having a go at them, or they are extremely house proud to the point they don't want anyone outside the home to know its messy

Godimabitch · 21/01/2021 15:50

Is the house a mess and are A and B both pulling their weight in the house?

user1493413286 · 21/01/2021 15:54

Person B shouldn’t have looked

user1493413286 · 21/01/2021 15:55

Just to add I realise it came up accidentally but B should have clicked off without reading it

Original poster
Vilanelle · 21/01/2021 15:56

Person A kept the house tidy and person B would have an occasional moan. Mess was clean and dirty nappies on floor where clean nappies were opened to put in caddy, all bottles unwashed,some on sofa some on floor, straighteners on floor and stepped on. The emoji was a crying laughing face.

Both parents are female :)

Person b apologised for mess and person a said dont worry we will sort it then later cleaned.

Im person A. I don't think she was snooping but first of all she said she had seen a message from someone else pop up, accidentally opened it then it changed to she opened a message from friend I said about mess to. It wasn't even a rant, that was literally all I said. I feel really bad and embarrassed about it but she isn't speaking to me now! And has spent the whole day cleaning..

OP posts:
Pippa234 · 21/01/2021 15:58

I take it this is a partner getting home from work and the house is a mess and they have texted a friend saying the house is a mess?
I think if the baby is really hard work then rather just messaging a friend telling them the house was a mess maybe person A should be contributing to cleaning of the house too?
Come up with solutions of how you can both keep on top of it.
I know one of mine was a really difficult baby, constantly feeding if my DH texted his friend saying the house was a mess rather than just helping me I would be really upset.
It's not what you need if you have had a fussy baby attached to you all day.

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