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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's still a hobby without a group?

63 replies

OchreBlue · 20/01/2021 16:14

DH has told me I don't have any hobbies because I don't do anything with other people (in person or online). I thought I had lots of hobbies: gardening-i have an allotment, bird/nature watching and photography (I don't share the photos online or anything), reading, swimming, art and painting. But is he right? Do people think of these as just interests, that only properly develop into hobbies once you start joining groups, competing/cooperating, sharing knowledge etc.? Are hobbies inherently social? If they can be carried out alone do hobbies still need an element of comparison to others, such as knowing how good your score/level/knowledge is compared to others or is it still a hobby if you just enjoy it for what it is, on your own?

YABU: hobbies are social
YANBU: hobbies can be solitary

OP posts:
minipie · 20/01/2021 17:37

@JiltedJohnsJulie

Sorry I can't see the option for "your DH is obviously an idiot".
Perfect response
lockdownshmockdown · 20/01/2021 17:40

There is a distinction to be made between hobbies and interests but I think that's just pedantry.

Reading, swimming, walking, gaming, playing an instrument, running, skating, camping... the list goes on of hobbies/interests that can be done solo. It doesn't really matter if they are classed as hobbies or interests. What matters is whether or not you're someone who has a rich variety of fulfilling things in your life.

Your husband is being ridiculous to pick it apart.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 20/01/2021 17:40

Buy the twat a dictionary.

That aside. You're 'negotiating' on the wrong basis!! It's not about 'time to do a hobby' but 'time to do as you please without responsibility'

He's being selfish & deeply unpleasant.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/01/2021 17:43

All my hobbies are solitary. I had noisy and busy life before pandemic and was always around people and dealt woth customers. The quiet time doing something was incredibly helpful in not becoming a mass murderer.

MrsAvocet · 20/01/2021 17:43

Some hobbies are inherently social - team sports are the obvious ones - but others are individual and some can be either. I don't really think one type is better than another, though it could be argued that at the moment, hobbies that can be done alone are vastly superior. At least you can still do all your hobbies at the moment! It did occur to me that maybe your DH is feeling a bit peeved that he can't do his activity at the moment and you can. It is a bit childish of him to denigrate your hobbies if that's the case though.

Definitely don't be pressurised into changing if you are happy with the way things are though. The whole point of a hobby is personal fulfilment and if you get that from doing things alone that is absolutely fine, and just as valid as enjoying groups and teams. I think it is perfectly ok for couples to have some separate hobbies, but there needs to be balance and if he gets time set aside for his hobbies then so should you.

Lucieintheskye · 20/01/2021 17:44

DH and I often get told our hobbies aren't hobbies because we do them alone. We live rurally, our hobbies aren't exactly group activities and even if they were, it's unlikely there'd be a group nearby. We also don't like socialising much and would rather do seperate activities together (i.e. DH goes fishing and I go with him with my knitting and a flask)

People are so quick to demand definitions to labels. Hobbies can be anything from standing in a circle with 8 friends seeing who can stretch their hands out furthest to watching paint dry. Anyone who's that pressed over defining your hobby can fuck off

RandomMess · 20/01/2021 17:46

I would join an on line crafting group on purpose just to prove to him that you have to account to others what you've achieved and therefore need x hours per week over the DC bedtime to keep up!!!

VetiverAndLavender · 20/01/2021 17:46

You husband is absolutely 100% wrong. Hobbies can be social or they can solitary. It doesn't change the fact that they are all hobbies.

He obviously doesn't understand the word.

He thinks you should spend more time with other people in order to justify how you spend your spare time? That would annoy me. My hobbies can be quite social, but I don't want to socialise. Frankly, I'd consider it a waste of my precious hobby-allotted time to have to chit-chat endlessly, nor do I want the constructive criticism that so many hobby-obsessed people feel obliged to offer! So I don't to go "groups", "retreats", "shows", etc. I'm perfectly capable of engaging in my interests without in-put from others, but on the occasion I do, there's plenty of it available, conveniently, online.

TonMoulin · 20/01/2021 17:48

He is crap.
You don’t get to have time out only for hobbies anyway. It’s about time to do something you want the way you want.
It can with people, wo people, a sport or watching a film.

It does NOT matter.

It’s equal time for yourself. You don’t judge what he is doing. He doesn’t to judge either.
And seeing his reaction I would be very keen on making it really equal too

BlueGreenDreams · 20/01/2021 17:52

He is bullshitting in order to get his own way.

He also, given his chosen "hobby", appears to be the competitive type who needs constant validation from his homies. That doesn't make it any more a hobby than yours, just means he is needy.

You don't need or seek approval. That doesn't mean your hobbies are not hobbies. He is being a bit twattish.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/01/2021 17:53

@JiltedJohnsJulie

Sorry I can't see the option for "your DH is obviously an idiot".
Yes - this!
romany4 · 20/01/2021 17:53

My hobbies are solitary.
Reading.
Bingeing on box sets.
Yoga (at home)
Pilates (at home)
Watching history documentaries.

DH is a ham radio enthusiast. That's solitary.

Your DH is being a dick.
Stand your ground

Pipandmum · 20/01/2021 17:54

I was trying to think what hobbies there are that you can do in a group - running and stuff like that are sports (not what I think of as a hobby - I don't think my pilates class is a hobby at all). I suppose role playing and games... but really most things I consider hobbies are solitary (though you can sit and chat with others like quilting or knitting of course). I think of a hobby as a consistent activity that you enjoy doing in your spare time, and all your examples cover that.

TigerDrawers · 20/01/2021 17:57

The dictionary definition, should he need it to prove he's being an idiot:

"Hobby - an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation" the example given is "Her hobbies include stamp-collecting and woodcarving."

I've never heard of social/communal stamp-collecting!

I agree with @Cotswolds10 take on it - he's trying to justify why he should be allowed out to do his hobby because yours don't properly count. Twonk.

Plussizejumpsuit · 20/01/2021 18:06

He sounds like a dick.

Original poster
OchreBlue · 20/01/2021 18:19

That's interesting that a lot of you say hobbies tend to be more solitary than group activities. I tend to assume everyone else is in a group somewhere. I guess I was thinking of things like being part of an online group even for solitary activities, like he's encouraged me to post wildlife photography online in the past but I just found it quite disheartening as I'm not competitive at all and take pictures to enjoy nature not receive criticism or approval. He definitely doesn't pull his weight with the kids, so I can see everyone's point here (even if it seems a bit harsh) I think I've gone along with his idea that the activities that count are social, he can't miss a game because people are relying on him, type of thinking, without realising it's a good point that we should be sharing the time off even if I just had a nap (that would be nice actually!)

OP posts:
pointythings · 20/01/2021 18:22

Well, he's a numpty, isn't he? All but one of my hobbies are solitary and the one that isn't is only marginally not solitary (archery).

I write fiction, make jewellery and knit. No groups needed or wanted.

Also no husband to make snidey comments and tell me they don't count!

TeamNegan · 20/01/2021 18:26

I’ve never seen a unanimous vote! You’re definitely NBU Grin

TurquoiseDragon · 20/01/2021 18:30

@Cotswolds10

Oh well your update puts a different spin on it. He’s basically just bullshitting his way through an argument that allows him to justify why his hobby should come first when lockdown finishes. Selfish gaslighter..
I hope your DH reads this thread, because this is exactly what I think, too.

Hobbies are things that people do for pleasure, and they don't have to involve other people. Mine don't, apart from MN.

RandomMess · 20/01/2021 18:32

You should have equal leisure time. Make your newest hobby calculating who gets what leisure time for their hobbies and ensuring from now on that it is equal Wink

goodnessidontknow · 20/01/2021 18:39

I think you should probably "discover" an online group for each and every one of your hobbies which meet at regular intervals where you need to shut yourself away while he looks after the children so you can "join in".
If he only considers formal hobbies as worth devoting time to then form a formal group of one 😁

FrangipaniBlue · 20/01/2021 18:55

@JiltedJohnsJulie

Sorry I can't see the option for "your DH is obviously an idiot".
Pretty much this!
Hawkins001 · 20/01/2021 19:03

What's his roleplaying hobby entail ? As for your photography, deviant art is a good site that you can upload your photos to, I like photography as it helps me remember places and also different items, designs ect eg country houses, rainbows, weather patterns, nature with eg trees, ect

1Morewineplease · 20/01/2021 19:12

Your partner is talking utter codswallop.
Ask him if people had hobbies before social media.
My husband and I live gardening, we both like walking out and about, I love painting , crochet and photography, my husband loves films.
We don't post any of this online.
We do them because we love doing them.

Also, an interest is something you're interested in... I'm interested in mediaeval history but it's not what I'd choose to do on a wet afternoon. My husband is interested in biographies and autobiographies but he doesn't take a day off to read them. Were interested in indoor plants but we don't take a day off to study them.

B33Fr33 · 20/01/2021 19:13

I love live action role playing and book rpgs but had to stop when I had kids as they are too time intensive I still love board games and sometimes get to do this. I love knitting and sewing and writing. They are all hobbies that I enjoy that I do because I like them. Your DH has odd ideas about what a hobby is.