I live in a mad house and can't get any rest at night... WIBU to lose my rag?

[FuchMyLife]

I've come to the conclusion I live in a mad house and am at a loss as to what I can do to "fix" things so am considering joining in the insanity 🤦‍♀️

To give you a snap shot of my nights and the reason I don't get any rest I'll break it down into points :-

1. My DM (I'm her main carer) has early onset dementia so spends his nights pacing and signing to himself. Can't do anything till she's formally diagnosed which is taking ages

1. Adult DC (home from uni) doesn't pull their weight and spends most nights laughing and chatting to mates online into the early hours. Feel shit telling them off as know lock down is hitting them hard.

1. Have a young DC who isn't sleeping through the night so climbs into bed with me early hours of the morn and HAS to cuddle up to me the whole night (using a pillow as a divider doesn't work they just climb over it) and I end up with agonising back pain due to sleeping hanging off the edge of the bed...

1. Add to the mix a pet who is no doubt picking up on all this chaotic emotion in the household and acting up at night.

Needles to say I'm shattered and feel like running off to join the circus!!!

Scrap that idea, lockdown has me trapped 😔

I know everyone (most people) is suffering right now but AIBU to be at my wits end!?

God, it sounds like hell. I get positively evil when I don't get enough sleep, so I feel for you.

The older ones could surely be asked to go to another room or part of the house where their noise would disturb you less, and you could try earplugs, but what you can do about your DM and your youngest leaves me stumped.

Sedating the lot of them probably isn't legal, sadly. I'd prefer a tent in the garden to putting up with that.

Hi OP. It sounds really hard. I would suggest speaking to your parent's GP and asking if you can have some medication to regulate their sleep/wake cycle. Tell your adult DC that they need to start helping you out or you'll switch off the WIFI. Younger DC - no answers - I didn't co-sleep after 6 months because I didn't enjoy it. Can you go and sleep in their bed when they come in?

@LakieLady I've actually considered sleeping in my car lately 🤣 I'm so desperate

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE I'm tempted to take the router to bed with me but not sure what is a reasonable time to cut off Internet for the night. As I said it's DCs only link to their friends so want to be fair but can't go on all night, that's just inconsiderate.

I'll get back onto the gp just worried about more medication (she's already on 4 different lots for other health issues 😕)

Oh and I've tried going through to sleep in wee ones bed but an hour or so later they then wake up looking for me 😂 there's no escape

peace at last
by jill murphy comes to mind!

although do you have earplugs, or could you try bribing the little one with a toy they really want?

Re worry about too many meds for your DM, mine has a Rivastigmine patch, which might be worth investigating. I can also give her Haliperidol when she’s chatting in the wee small hours.

You need to start valuing yourself and getting some boundaries. Its great that your adult DC have those social links but you're not doing them or you any favours with not contributing. If they hear your mum or DC get up at night and thy are away then they should be sorting them out rather than letting them wake you. They also need to pull thier weight during the day. No suggestion for your youngest as my toddler is also in my bed nightly and it's too anxious about the current situation for me to attempt sleep training. Try to look after yourself wherever and however you can

Wow. and for you

I have utter sympathy.

• does your mums Gp know the situation? Can you explain how badly you need the diagnosis to move things on? Explain you can't continue like this. Is it also your gp?

• do you have any real life help? Partner or siblings to give respite for your mum?

• dd needs to step up. She's an adult. Limit calls after midnight/whatever. Is she working? Even if she is sit her down and have a frank chat with her. Sort out a timetable of things she can do to help. Even little chores will give you breathing space.

• with you on the small bed thief...! I don't want to turf them out as they clearly need me right now and are unsettled. I've had a chat and let them sleep in on the proviso they don't shunt me off the bed. They can bring a toy to cuddle and can stretch out and know im there. But tough I know...

• ah what kind of pet? I always suggest dreamies for cats... but also a snuggle and stroke and sit down with them will probably do you both some good. They get time with you and you get time to chill and get a good stroke/tickle/snuggle.

I'll have a think. But no you sound like you're run ragged

I'm going to set up a nice socially distanced home for basket weavers, OP. Come join me there for some peace and quiet.

Your DM getting some rest would be worth her having to take another pill. 4 types of medication isn't a huge amount in the grand scheme of things so it's unlikely there would be interactions or anything. It may be she just has them on particularly challenging days/nights.

You could tell your DC to be quiet after 11, that seems reasonable. And if they want to speak to their friends they can go sit in the garden. Could their noise be what's upsetting your youngest's sleep?

Not much advice for youngest other than persisting with taking them back to bed. Is there anyway you could rearrange their room or something to get them interested in sleeping in there? Or could you compromise and say they can only come in to your bed at 6am, give them a clock they can read maybe? Other than barricading your door, they won't get the hint unless you persistently show them what's acceptable.

Sort a rota or something to get your DC to help more. If both/all are doing jobs it won't seem so unfair (I'm imagining Kevin the teenager stomping around the house...)

Do the DC understand your DMs needs? Maybe explain to them how much it's taking out of you and that you need support to make sure you can care for all of them.

Good luck!

Sounds exhausting op! I agree, speaking to the go re your dm.
Your dc needs to be more considerate of people sleeping, or at least trying to. My ds has a room next to us and is a night owl, but is usually pretty quiet. When he isn't a quick text to say I'm off to sleep now and he soon is.
My yd was a night creeper too. In the end, after many many nights of it I started to just give her a hug for about 5 mins and then gently say back off to your bed, and she would! I was surprised the first time. It soon cut down her sneaking into my bed.
As for the cat, this is why ours are shut in downstairs. We had a cat who was quite old and she'd forget where she was and howl! When we got our kittens, we made sure they were shut in the living room. However we forgot that the top of the door window light wasn't there, or didn't think it would be an issue, until they appeared at the top of the stairs one night! Had to cover that up sharpish.

I hope you get some peaceful nights soon. It's so tiring and the worry about the not sleeping is enough to keep you from sleeping

"My DM (I'm her main carer) has early onset dementia so spends his nights pacing and signing to himself. "

Who is the man here?

Hi OP .Bloody hell ,feel shattered just reading that! I think you need a word with GP re your DM .Can they arrange some respite care for DM to give you a much needed break?Maybe looking forwards you may have to consider long term care for her as well? As far as your teenagers are concerned maybe they can text their mates instead .Little one maybe see if you can work out a sleep plan .Good luck OP sending hugs to you xx

Ask the GP for melatonin for your DM urgently. They can prescribe Circadin specifically as it is a slow release melatonin. This will help signal that it's sleep time. The older you get the less reliable the build up of melatonin during the day - once it reaches a certain level it tips the balance and signals 'sleep!'. It won't interact with other meds or have side effects ( I take it, my ADHD son takes it, my elderly dad takes it, it's great). If you need sleep buy melatonin your self online from Biovea or similar (there was a thread the other day on this if you search)

Most of the rest of the world sells melatonin over the counter and in health food shops. Europe, USA and Canada all sell it. It's not illegal to buy it, but GPs don't give it out too easily (though we have it prescribed)

If I were you I'd take it myself and give it to the DC for a few weeks!.

Have a word with the older DC. They need to have some sympathy, and take some responsibility too - why not?

Hope things improve

YABU to use the term "mad house" - please say psychiatric institution.

If your adult DC is up at night can they give any help with your DM?

Your adult dc should not be keeping you awake a night, agree a cut off time (10.30pm) after that all calls are kept to a minimum and taken out of earshot of everyone else, it is not on at all. They are probaby waking your little one.

Speak to the GP re your mother's medication, she is the ONLY one with a good excuse.

Your young child needs some tough love, walk gently back to bed - stroke their hair and say goodnight. Don't invite them into your bed again, this will just prolong the pain and encourage them to carry on.

It is not okay for you to be so so tired op

I’d put the adult DC on night shift to care for your DM. So while they can chat with friends until early hours, they can also set an alarm to check on DM every half hour or so.
That means you only have younger DC to worry about. For that, can you get a small double bed or set up a trundle or camp bed for them that they can pull out from under your bed so they can be close to you but not crammed into a single bed?

what is adult DC doing to help? Do they look after themselves?

there has to be a time at which they are quiet and not chatting to friends, in a houseshare of adults, someone would give them a mouthful for waking them up.

Melatonin all the way. I have nearly the same problem. In my case , an Aunt that lives with me. But she is not too bad with sleeping.
Adult DC , no need to shout , earbuds with a small microphone means they can talk , even whisper .
Elderly dog here given melatonin too .But more barking in night time.
Little one , if you dont stay on your side of my bed, you have to go to your own bed. But maybe all the noise is waking them up
Also, after a bad night , I get older DC on " duty " and go have a nap to try and catch up.

..No more barking at night time.

• Adult DC needs to start contributing to the running of the house in the daytime since you're doing the night shift too. give them clear responsibilities each day
• do you have any support in your caring responsibilities towards your mum? Your LA might have a carers support network to help you access carers allowance etc
• can young DC have a small airbed/mattress on the floor in your room? that way they can be with you but you can still get some decent sleep?

for you, it sounds really tough

I have every sympathy..... Is your DM in any danger wandering around the house or does she stay safely in her room at night?
This may not work for various reasons but could your little one go on the floor in the older DC's room maybe one night a week just to give you a break? Potentially kill two birds with one stone.....

I think the main issue here is student DC who is probably waking everyone else. I'd be sending him back to Uni OP. his current arrangement isn't conducive to him studying and is no help and a hindrance to family life. As suggested speak to GP re your parent and that leaves you with pet and small child. Both might be better with less chaos anyway. Do you have a partner/husband?