I live in a mad house and can't get any rest at night... WIBU to lose my rag?

[FuchMyLife]

I've come to the conclusion I live in a mad house and am at a loss as to what I can do to "fix" things so am considering joining in the insanity 🤦‍♀️

To give you a snap shot of my nights and the reason I don't get any rest I'll break it down into points :-

1. My DM (I'm her main carer) has early onset dementia so spends his nights pacing and signing to himself. Can't do anything till she's formally diagnosed which is taking ages

1. Adult DC (home from uni) doesn't pull their weight and spends most nights laughing and chatting to mates online into the early hours. Feel shit telling them off as know lock down is hitting them hard.

1. Have a young DC who isn't sleeping through the night so climbs into bed with me early hours of the morn and HAS to cuddle up to me the whole night (using a pillow as a divider doesn't work they just climb over it) and I end up with agonising back pain due to sleeping hanging off the edge of the bed...

1. Add to the mix a pet who is no doubt picking up on all this chaotic emotion in the household and acting up at night.

Needles to say I'm shattered and feel like running off to join the circus!!!

Scrap that idea, lockdown has me trapped 😔

I know everyone (most people) is suffering right now but AIBU to be at my wits end!?

I agree with the other posters - your adult DC should not be making noise during the night. There are enough hours during the day to stay in touch with friends. I assume you live in a detached house - because otherwise your DC is probably also keeping your neighbours awake!

Has there been a social care assessment for your mother? If not, you need to ask for one ASAP, and to tell them that the situation at night is not sustainable and you need respite care.

I think its reasonable to ask your adult child to keep the noise down at night. My ds1 is nearly 20 and I have to remind him that keep the noise down when the rest of the house go to bed. They can chat by typing or watch a film.

Id really suggest asking for melatonin for your mum and maybe a bigger bed for you and your little one so youre not hanging off it

Out of the four I would try to solve the two about your DCs.

The adult DC should stop making noise after a given time - 11pm? whenever you want to go to sleep. This is not a lot to ask when in return you provide a house for them to live in. If their online conversations are too loud they should go to a room where they are away from the bedrooms.

The young DC should learn not to come into your bed (at all or until a certain time in the morning - your choice). Even if you like the idea of co-sleeping, if it is causing you physical pain it is not possible.

older dc - headphones and chatting by typing might be the way to go, or could you ask them to stay downstairs? or move their room?

little dc - how old? could it be a temporary thing like a sleep regression , or are they past that now?

bigger bed maybe, and hope it will pass?

I eventually got my youngest (He's autistic) into his own bed for most of the night by getting him a gro-clock, he's good with rules so telling him he couldn't come into our bed until the sun came up, coupled with a reward chart worked well. He now doesn't come into our bed until 6am, which is much better than it was.

If your elder DC are up in the night they can deal with your DM. But they can also be quiet when you and the small ones are trying to sleep. I would go spare. I cannot tolerate noise at the best of times

I have two student DC - they are nocturnal but are quiet, even if chatting. One generally stays downstairs and the other chats quietly. But as I said, i'd get him back to uni as he's part of the problem and none of the solution.

I suggest you start with the easiest first.

The adults are just that adults and as such needs to have those expectations. Sorry but thats how it is. He must pull his weight and cooperate.

The small child must sleep in his own bed right now.

Firm boundaries, exhausting for a day or 2 but must be done.

What support do you have?

Go to gp for medication for mum. I had to for my granny short term as she was a wanderer.

Dose small person with melatonin gummies.
Chuck adult DC downstairs.
Then get some earplugs

I am sorry you are going through this. I don't have any suggestions for your children.

In terms of your Dad. What helped with my parents, both with Dementia is CBD. Especially my Dad who can get anxious. CBD really calms him down. Don't go to Holland & Barrett and get the 5% look online and get a high percentage. The other thing is to look at supplements like Magnesium, this can be done in tablet form or a spray or a soak on the bath.

I really urge you to find Facebook groups and YouTube videos of people who have helped their own Dementia. I have found NHS services for Dementia really poor. But online people who have really found a way through health and nutrition to reduce symptoms has been a really valuable resource for me.

Good luck with it all.

Why are adults permitted to be nocturnal? They get up at a resaonable time and contribute

Ok

Have a word with adult DC, yes they’re in lockdown and it’s hard but it’s also very hard for you. Suggest a compromise on what time they stop the loud conversations with friends.

With small DC, do you have a partner they could cling to? Or could partner go and sleep in child’s bed to give you space to sleep properly?

Buy some ear plugs too.

No advice wrt elderly parent, sorry. Hope you get a diagnosis and help soon.

I agree with Melatonin for your mum. Talk to your older child and tell them how shattered you are. Enlist their help with both mum and younger child.

Sorry for the radio silence but just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their encouraging words 🙏💕 and the suggestions some of which I've tried already but some great ideas too that hadn't occurred to me.

Really appreciate the help xx

Has there been a social care assessment for your mother? If not, you need to ask for one ASAP, and to tell them that the situation at night is not sustainable and you need respite care. This. You don't need to wait for a dementia diagnosis - care is assessed on the basis of needs not diagnosis. You probably do need to keep some record to show that your mother is losing her capacity to make decisions (it wouldn't be reasonable to demand a grown adult stays in bed during the night time hours - but it would be reasonable to insist that they don't disturb others, and your problem with your mother is not that she's getting up, but that she's doing it in a way that disturbs you).

Has there been a social care assessment for your mother? If you are her carer, you can ask for an assessment of your needs too.

I am with you on no. 3 and find that exhausting enough, without all the rest!

I think the mantra ‘this too will pass’ might help, although I know that being a carer for someone with dementia is hard work and doesn’t get easier.

Can you nap in the day? Xx

@randomer

Why are adults permitted to be nocturnal? They get up at a resaonable time and contribute

Because they are adults and it's not up to me to police their sleeping habits if it doesn't cause me any issues? As long as my two tidy up after themselves, Fill and empty the dishwasher, do their laundry etc, all of which can be done in the afternoon and evening then why should it bother me?

Op is in a different position though so he either keeps the noise down, contributes while he's awake or goes back to Uni and gives her a rest from his disruption.

I think young people becoming nocturnal could potentially be problematic. Lack of day light,depression, and a sense that there is no normality any more. These are just my thoughts ,please God there is some return to structure and routine at some point.

@randomer

I think young people becoming nocturnal could potentially be problematic. Lack of day light,depression, and a sense that there is no normality any more. These are just my thoughts ,please God there is some return to structure and routine at some point.

Agree, my DC have always done an element of this from latter high school (during holidays) and tbh, it would be my preference but I start work early so that's not really an option. They get up at lunch, have something to eat and do go for a walk most days, they look after their rooms and bathroom and laundry and tidy up the kitchen for me. We are in Scotland so lack of daylight even more apparent. It's not really up to me if they stay up until the early hours speaking to friends and girlfriends etc. One stays at home full time and the other has gone back to uni. They are good lads and not doing anyone any harm, friends all seem to keep the same hours so if they didn't stay up they'd miss any interaction with peers that they need. Uni classes started back (on-line) and a couple of earlier classes (11am) so will ease them back into earlier waking.

that sounds truly awful, you must be exhausted.

However you really don't have to put up with this from adult DC, tell them 11pm, no more wifi, if they don't do this then unplug the router and put it in your room.
If they complain explain when they pay all the bills and mortgage/rent they can make as much noise as they please but for now thay have to consider you.

Younger Dc, why not accept a week or two of crap nights to tackle moving them into own bed, have you tried the supernanny method of once they appear say 'time for bed' and put them back in their own bed, repeat, repeat, repeat, it does work if you persist.

Not much you can do about poor DM.....hope you manage to improve the situation op.

With mine, the nocturnal thing really started when they met online friends in other time zones.

@contrmary

YABU to use the term "mad house" - please say psychiatric institution.

Are you serious?

Probably. How about Therapeutic Intervention Centre.