No contact with my mum- what would you do?

[Whatwouldyoudo2021]

Firstly thank you for your time reading this, I would just like some unbiased views on this situation.

My mum has borderline personality disorder and has always been unpredictable, jealous and very impulsive. My mum hates that I have a relationship with anyone else, my husband, my twin sister, my baby, my in laws- everyone.

In April 2020 I had my first baby, the family’s first grandchild. It was a difficult time with a traumatic birth ending in a c-section, obviously we were in the first lockdown. My in laws came and stood outside our living room window every other day for months so they could see the baby, my mum didn’t bother at all. In fact in my baby’s 9 months my mum has only seen him 3 times. She’s incredibly jealous of my in laws and my relationship with them, I have been with my now husband for nearly 12 years, since I was 16 so obviously I am very close to them. My mum couldn’t understand why I would want to spend time with them, this would often leave her angry and jealous at me.

In the summer we went for a day out to a local garden centre, lovely day, although my mum made 2 awful comments to me, one about my appearance and one about my parenting ability. Baring in mind I had a 4 month old baby I didn’t feel these comments were appropriate so I texted her when I got home, nothing rude, just saying I didn’t think these comments were appropriate, saying I needed some space.

A few days later I received the most upsetting voicemails ever from my mum saying that she wished my grandad would have a heart attack, she said my husband was a f**ing snake, she was going to go round to my in laws, basically very threatening. She also sent some text messages saying she was going to throw bricks through my window. At this point I called the police. I couldn’t have someone threatening me and my baby, I wouldn’t put it past her to actually do it.

The police were great and since then I’ve not spoken to my mum at all.

Even though her behaviour has always been iratic and hard to deal with (I had CBT last year to help deal with my mums issues which really did help) I am finding it hard going having no contact with her. Even with all her flaws she is my mum and I love her.

My parents divorced years ago so my dad doesn’t really have an opinion.

What would you do?

Would you throw an olive branch or just get on with life without her?

What would you gain from seeing her? It doesn't sound like much? I get that she has MH issues but to threaten you in the way she did means you'll always be on edge.
The olive branch needs to come from her with a promise not ever do that again

So sorry you are going through this

Personally I'd crack on without her and stay NC, doesn't sound like she brings anything positive to your life

Thank you so much for your reply, yes I know deep down it’s the right thing to do and wait for her to make the first move, I just feel with covid and her early Alzheimer’s symptoms I just feel so guilty, like why if the worst was to happen would I forgive myself?
She was in and out of her mums life for as long as I can remember and I don’t want that for my son. It’s not about me any more it’s about my son.

Does she have a relationship with your twin or anyone else so you know how she is doing. Maybe a text, just saying hope you are well and doing ok. But be prepared to get back a text that you don’t want to hear. It’s very hard dealing with someone who has a medical condition.

Does she have a relationship with anyone else in your family?

I've been where you are op, it's tough.

Time for a long hard think. You love her. (Do you? Or is it I should love her as she's my mum?) But what does she bring to your life? Write it down.

If she was someone you met in a pub, or through work, would you want her in your life? In your children's life? We're conditioned to think that we should accept our families no matter what, but if they were randomers on the street we'd give them a very wide berth.

The hardest part of me going NC is the guilt from other people along the lines of 'but she's your mum'. And I'm her daughter, yet she still treats me like shit, is that OK? I've broken NC twice during covid, due simply to logistics (and nobody else steps up, yet I'm expected to) and it's broken me twice, set my depression off and sent me back into counselling. I'm done. Screw what anyone else says - if they know either of us very well then they should know better, and if they don't know us, it's none of their business.

I am NC with my mum for quite vile reasons (her partner sexually abused his daughter and she's cool with it), but she's generally the pity party, woe is me, type. No way would I tolerate that sort of abusive behaviour. Move on with your life and your lovely family. You're very lucky to have ILs who you're close to (mine are equally rubblish, though dh is fantastic). I've found so much peace not having to deal with the drama anymore.

I wouldn't have anything to do with her and having a child would make me want to get further away from her if anything.

sounds like you have had a hard time but you are fortunate your in laws sound lile nice people who care about you and your family. I'd cling to that tbh.

My twin has no contact either, the messages in the summer were directed at both of us,
For context she kicked me out with no where to live when I was 16 as I went to see my dad at Christmas, I had to stay in a travel lodge for a month until I moved in with my then boyfriend. She’s tried to commit suicide more times that I can count, it was a very traumatic upbringing. I’m just lucky I have my sister who fully understand what I’ve been through as she’s been through the same thing. However she’s a as stuck as I am when it comes to talking to her again.
She did send my son a Christmas present via her husband who turned up unannounced to drop them off so I sent a generic thank you card from my son, but I’ve heard nothing since.
I don’t feel I need her in my life, if anything my anxiety and stress have dramatically reduced due to not speaking to her but I don’t know I just feel guilty I guess.
Then I think back that she threatened to put bricks throw my living room window with my baby on the other side and wonder why I feel guilty?
It’s so hard,

She may be your mum, but she doesn't sound very safe. If you have a relationship with her, she'll also have a relationship with your daughter and it doesn't sound as if that's a good idea.

I'm not one to screech ''go no contact'' when people have run ins with their parents, because you only have one mum and dad. However, there are exceptions, and this is clearly one of them. She sounds poisonous, and you have to think of your baby and put her first.

Do you have a relationship with your dad? If so, him and your inlaws are your baby's grandparents and enjoy those relationships instead.

It sounds to me that she will offer no positives into your sons life. You will always be on a knife edge waiting for her to flip.

Easy to say as a stranger on the internet, but I would stop contact for good, and always remember, her behaviour is not your fault.

Sorry, I referred to your baby as ''her'' but reread it and you have a son.

OP, write it down somewhere. Everytime you feel guilty of not talking to hear read it again, I. E. she kicked you out at 16,tgreatened you, abused you.. It is your job to protect your baby from her bad influence too. It is not easy but she brings only distress to your life

Would your daughter benefit from the sort of uncertainty that your mum brought to you as a child when you had no control?

You don't need drama in your life. You have the ability to control that exposure now. Guilt is hard tho, much empathy.

Thank you everyone, my son deserves so much better than I had, my husband and I want to provide the world for him. Since this happened in the summer we have bought our own house and are moving in a couple of weeks to a different village so she won’t know where we are. Growing up with a mum with borderline personality disorder is so hard and I don’t think there is enough support for those children out there like me.
You are all right, I don’t want my son to wonder where grandma is when she’s flitted out of his life again.
Lovely people who I’ve been through this before- does the guilt lessen over time?

You have your sister, your husband, your baby and your in-laws. She may be ill, but her treatment of you is intolerable and you are absolutely in your rights to say no more.

I would say if she comes back apologetic then you may be able to reach a place where you have limited controlled contact. But she is ill, and without treatment or acknowledging her issues she won't change. You need to be very clear about boundaries, and as soon as she crosses them you back off.

I say this as someone who's gran was a narcissist who caused total chaos to my parents with her poisonous behaviour. My mum is also married to someone who has a personality disorder and it is hellish.

The guilt does lessen over time. The more you are removed from the situation, the more you can see the abusive behaviour for what it is.

you and your son dont need her you dont have an obligation to see someone just because youre related

I went no contact nearly a decade ago and it was one of the best things I ever did. If you feel it's necessary then just do it.

Thank you again everyone, I know you are right, it’s just been nearly 30 long years of dealing with this, is it right that I could be feeling grief about what me and my son could have had?
When I’d got married I went on holiday with my in laws to Scotland, I said to them at the time I feel different, I now know this feeling is love, having a loving family, it felt so alien to me as I’d never felt anything like that before. It was so strange, another realisation of what I should have had

Don't feel guilty. The mother you want is not the mother you have. It will be easier to remember what good bits you can and love her for that, in isolation, than to try to build a good relationship in the future that she doesn't sound capable of.

My father eventually went NC with his family after his father died (well actually they all moved and didn't pass on addresses), and was the better for it. Decades later when a cousin got in touch to suggest my parents take a turn looking after his by now very elderly mother, the cousin was told a very different version of the family history to the one he knew.

My baby was born in lockdown too OP and it’s really brought up a lot of childhood memories and feelings about the way I was parented. I think it’s natural to feel grief over something you deserved / something you wished you had - a loving kind mum who would be a fab grandma. But unfortunately you don’t have that and you know your son deserves better. You would be doing the right thing by remaining NC, has she even tried to apologise for essentially threatening you and your sons life? What if she had thrown a brick and it had hit your baby? It’s awful to think about but a brick to his face would kill him and I’m sure you know that. You’re doing the right thing, the peace of mind you will receive not having to be on edge 24/7 or your son wondering when she will appear again will be so worth it.

I think it changes. My DSis and I haven’t been through anything like your trauma but we don’t have a good relationship with our mother. We look after her now out of a sense of duty.

Sometimes we feel guilty, sometimes we feel sad for the good relationships we see others having with their parents. But we mostly don’t wallow in that because it’s not healthy and not going to change things.

Going NC sounds like the best thing for you, try not to feel guilty, or not too guilty. Remember why you’re doing this and how you feel when things are calm and settled in your life.

If she does ever make contact again, then you get to choose whether to meet her and if so where.

I honestly recommend staying NC.

My mother had a dreadful upbringing. very abusive and violent. She is in her 70s now and is still dancing attendance dfirstly on her mother and then her older sister and brother as what she wants more than anything is for her family to be different and her upbringing to be different. Its like she thinks if she tries harder it will be better this time. It has made her life a misery, and by extension mine and my siblings. her focus was on the bad relationship and she kept going back. When her mother died she said she felt relief as now she would not have to see her family again, because the pressure was coming from her mother. But instead her sense of guilt sent her back into the mix of toxic family dynamics.

I went nc with her family when I was 16.... more than 30 years ago. My mother should have done the same. her MH would be so much better for it.

Please think of your own MH and your child. Put yourself and him first. You mother only brings toxicity into your life. Don't let your sense of guilt blight another second of your own precious life.