No contact with my mum- what would you do?

[Whatwouldyoudo2021]

Firstly thank you for your time reading this, I would just like some unbiased views on this situation.

My mum has borderline personality disorder and has always been unpredictable, jealous and very impulsive. My mum hates that I have a relationship with anyone else, my husband, my twin sister, my baby, my in laws- everyone.

In April 2020 I had my first baby, the family’s first grandchild. It was a difficult time with a traumatic birth ending in a c-section, obviously we were in the first lockdown. My in laws came and stood outside our living room window every other day for months so they could see the baby, my mum didn’t bother at all. In fact in my baby’s 9 months my mum has only seen him 3 times. She’s incredibly jealous of my in laws and my relationship with them, I have been with my now husband for nearly 12 years, since I was 16 so obviously I am very close to them. My mum couldn’t understand why I would want to spend time with them, this would often leave her angry and jealous at me.

In the summer we went for a day out to a local garden centre, lovely day, although my mum made 2 awful comments to me, one about my appearance and one about my parenting ability. Baring in mind I had a 4 month old baby I didn’t feel these comments were appropriate so I texted her when I got home, nothing rude, just saying I didn’t think these comments were appropriate, saying I needed some space.

A few days later I received the most upsetting voicemails ever from my mum saying that she wished my grandad would have a heart attack, she said my husband was a f**ing snake, she was going to go round to my in laws, basically very threatening. She also sent some text messages saying she was going to throw bricks through my window. At this point I called the police. I couldn’t have someone threatening me and my baby, I wouldn’t put it past her to actually do it.

The police were great and since then I’ve not spoken to my mum at all.

Even though her behaviour has always been iratic and hard to deal with (I had CBT last year to help deal with my mums issues which really did help) I am finding it hard going having no contact with her. Even with all her flaws she is my mum and I love her.

My parents divorced years ago so my dad doesn’t really have an opinion.

What would you do?

Would you throw an olive branch or just get on with life without her?

I'm another one to second staying NC. I had to do this with my DM, for exactly the reasons you mention, she was abusive, jealous, and frightening at times.

Towards the end, instead of just having a go at me, she started to make stuff up about my friends, my DH, anyone i had a relationship with to try and create a division between us in the hope i'd leave them all and just have her in my life. It was awful but i kept going back because 'she's my mum' and i wanted her to have a relationship with her grandkids. I'd get pages and pages of texts, lots of nonsense about what a bad daughter i was etc.

In the end, i couldn't take it anymore when she started exhibiting similar behaviour towards my kids and I had a nervous breakdown with it all. I am now on antidepressants and still feel occasional guilt, but i am much happier as i am now, i don't regret my decision. I don't want her nonsense around my children, particularly knowing i could have stopped it.

I feel sad but not because i miss my mum, i just miss the kind of relationship a mother / child should have and i know that unfortunately it is just not possible in my situation. Making peace with that is hard but i'm sure you'll get there. Take care.

If you found out in the morning that she was dead, would you regret not contacting her?
Bearing in mind that she I'd who she is, for whatever reasons, and is not going to change.

Are you capable of dealing with her on a superficial level and not letting her upset you?
These are the things only you can decide.

Wow, your situation sounds so similar to mine. I havent had contact with my mum properly now for about 12 years, since I was 17. Terrible jealousy and viciousness towards me. Long story. I realise now I have grieved for the mother I wish I had and I have emotionally moved on. It has been the best thing for me. How can a mother treat their child in such an awful way? You are protecting your baby from the drama she 100% will cause by going go no contact.

Honestly guys thank you so much, even just hearing other experiences makes it feel a little better. I just know if I went back now I would have the drama for the rest of my life.I’m going to save this thread for when I have a wobble and it will make me think clearly again. I’ve already done the hardest bit with not having any contact since august.
To make it dig a little deeper, my half brother had a baby in December and my mum went visited the day they came out of hospital when she couldn’t be bothered to go less than a mile from her house to see my baby.
Would you ever leave an option open for contact as currently she is blocked completely and with us moving she may never see us again?

OP,

Your childhood sounds horrific.
You have grown up with huge drama in your life.

You say it was very hard.
It sounds as if it was very hard.

Now you have your own precious baby, and have a settled family life.
You have dreams of a calm, happy, and secure childhood for your son.
The complete opposite to the one you endured.

Having an erratic, angry relationship with your mother, where you and family are threatened and involve the police, is simply NOT compatible with that.

You want to be the best parent you can be, but I don't believe YOU CAN be the best you can be, with this deeply angry, unstable woman in your life.

I certainly don't think she should be anywhere near your son.

Grieve for the mother you wish you had.

It will take maybe two years for you to process this grief, but you and your family will be the better for it.

You can relax, and not live these precious years, with her stress and toxicity.

Her mental health problems are very unfortunate, but you and your siblings have all paid a terrible price, in having your childhood destroyed.

Don't allow the damage to leak into the next generation.

Protecting your child is your job as a mother.
Sometimes being a mother means you will have to make tough decisions, that are for the best.
This is one of them.
Good luck

Hi OP,

I left contact open for my mum for about 6 months after she told me that she wished me dead. She told me she was going to delete my number and that she'll never talk to me again. I gave it 6 months and when I didnt hear anything from her I changed mu number and moved. It was the best decision I ever made. Recently, I heard through the grapevine that she wants to make contact but I have no desire to do that. She hasnt changed and if I let her back in then she will be worse than before. I have forgiven her twice in the past when she cut me out of her life but I wont let her hurt me for a third time.

I’ve have now been no contact for nearly 5 years, I’m still living such a lovely family life with a beautiful daughter added to the family in August 2022.
I’ve recently been struggling with the no contact and this post came up, it has really helped me stay strong and process my emotions.