Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH address

55 replies

Iris3456 · 20/01/2021 08:16

In our child arrangement order it clearly states we need to disclose our home address or any other address the children stay overnight. Ex has just moved into his new house following the divorce, he has the kids this weekend but is refusing to give me the address!

Probably because it will highlight him lying on the financial order. But the truth will out eventually anyway.

What do you do with a breach of order?

Should I care where they are? They will be safe but of course I like to know where my kids are.

And of course it would be interesting to see where he is after crying poor in court too.

But the whole thing makes me very uneasy.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 20/01/2021 09:26

Do they have iPads with data? You could turn on the find my ipad and it will show where they are from another device.

Original poster
Iris3456 · 20/01/2021 09:33

@Hankunamatata no. No devices they are too young. Their father is a grown up and should be able to reply to an email though!

OP posts:
MaybeNew · 20/01/2021 09:34

There are safeguarding issues here if he refuses to tell you where the children will be staying. As someone pointed out, if your children are not returned for any reason, you will be unable to pick them up and young children would be distressed in this situation. I can still remember sitting crying in a strange house when my DF decided to spend a few days more at the (girl)friend’s house we had gone to for the weekend. My Mum was distraught and the police were involved. It was terrifying for me.

I would ring your solicitor and get them to both speak to and send a letter to his solicitor. You need to stop this behaviour now. Instruct the solicitor to take the breach back to Court ASAP unless he provides the address immediately. The judge will not be impressed by his behaviour.

EggBobbin · 20/01/2021 09:38

@Iris3456 just to say I don’t underestimate how stressful this must be- my ExH threatened the same when he moved and my DC were pre-verbal and it made me feel physically sick.

I’m just aware that what the courts deem fair/reasonable and what most people regard as a normal expectation can sometimes be really different. I worry if you get the kids early without at least giving him lots of notice of this consequence (and preferably getting some legal advice) you might get your wrist slapped later, or worse in years to come he’ll try and use it to paint a picture of you as unable to put the kids’ right for contact ahead of your own needs or some such shit.

(My Exh was pissed off about addresses in general as he initially moved in with OW and lied that he’d moved back with his mum but an acquaintance shared their address so I served divorce papers there which apparently really upset OW 🙄 )

LannieDuck · 20/01/2021 09:45

I know it costs money, but I would seek advice from your solicitor to understand what the correct actions would be for you to take if he does breech this section of the orders.

redbobble · 20/01/2021 09:52

I would involve a solicitor as it's the first time to try to make sure he knows you're not going to be mucked about in this way going forward. Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Iris3456 · 20/01/2021 10:17

@EggBobbin same! He is living with the OW which I think is what is causing this issue!

OP posts:
PracticallyPerfectInZeroWays · 20/01/2021 10:21

@iris3456 Well done you! I agree that is absolutely the right thing to do but was just gobsmacked by the person who doesn't think you need to know where they are staying!

I expect that person just hadn't taken a minute to consider what could go wrong or why, on a practical level, you'd need to know but, really! Can you imagine phoning the police if they were missing, the police asking you where they had been staying the previous night and you saying, "I don't know, I just sent them off"?

freeingNora · 20/01/2021 10:22

There's some great books out there that will help co parenting with a toxic ex and raising resilient children both very good books.

Santaiscovidfree · 20/01/2021 10:27

Simply collect them from school. Tell them unfortunately df won't tell you where they will be staying and the court says you need to know before they go... Not you causing the drama is it? Or going to court is pointless.

2020iscancelled · 20/01/2021 10:29

You cannot just withhold access. Christ what awful advice. You would not be congratulated by the judge for it.

I agree he needs to disclose and I’d be asking formally for it - as you have - but I wouldn’t be withholding access or turning up at the school an hour early so that he arrives and then all the teachers and staff know your kids parents cannot behave in a reasonable way.

There is no safeguarding issue, he could quite easily say he did tell you the address. He could claim that he told you over the phone, or in person. How can you prove that he didn’t? Unless it specifically says he must disclose in writing?

Definitely pursue it but please don’t withhold access bc you’ve clearly said in your OP - they are safe.

Santaiscovidfree · 20/01/2021 10:41

Mid move I hadn't (solicitor hadn't) disclosed my address. Exh did indeed collect dc from school until the address was given. On his solicitors advice....

EggBobbin · 20/01/2021 11:01

@Iris3456 well if it’s any comfort we are 3/4 years past all that and things are much more stable, we all do kids’ birthdays etc all together with all parents and steps which I’d never have believed if you’d told me back then. I did read once that the first 3 years post divorce are tumultuous as you all fave the first xmas/birthday and then get new partners/move and have to figure out the new-new-normal.

OW did have the audacity to text me once when we were wrangling Xmas plans and ask that I didn’t bring her name into any disputes as it didn’t feel nice to be talked about! Took every ounce of my being not to respond that perhaps she shouldn’t involve herself in other people’s marriages, then...

But yeah- totally flex the order. You have it and it’s a line in the sand.

Hollyoakswatcher · 20/01/2021 11:27

Please don’t withhold access, if your ex does take you to court over this, it will count against you in a court case. Also you will be hurting your children, you make no mention of any safeguarding issues so I know that the address is a worry but do you have a reason to think that anything will happen if you don’t know the address.

Just get in touch with a solicitor and see what you can do about getting him to comply but make sure that you also comply with it, you will destroy your own argument if you don’t, and withholding access is much worse breach of the order than not giving an address.

Original poster
Iris3456 · 20/01/2021 11:59

@Justanother123 yes all about control and power - he's all about that. I'm sure he feels like I hold the cards but really it's just making coparenting sodding difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iris3456 · 20/01/2021 12:01

To all those for/agains preventing access - I don't think is a good idea as he will be all over that accusing me of every slight and will go after me like a bull legally. Hence this is a rather difficult situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iris3456 · 20/01/2021 12:02

And yes, I know the courts don't take into account what a t* he is so it would be a big no-no preventing access. I never have, never want to as it would be distressing for the children after all - but he does love to back me into a corner so I'll react.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iris3456 · 20/01/2021 12:05

@EggBobbin we are 3 years in but only recently officially divorced (hurrah!). i do hope I'll get to a point where we can be in the same room. Feels like a long way off.

I am quite thankful for my very expensive order as it's black and white...just annoying when it isn't adhered to.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 20/01/2021 13:06

@contrmary

Turn up at the school and make sure the children come home with you. If he tries to start an argument just try to get them away. If he gets physical most bystanders will side with the woman so you'd probably be ok.

You have the power to withhold access. His only recourse is to take you to court, and the fact you have evidence of him refusing to tell you the address will weigh heavily against him.

Honestly, some of these comments. Why would you do this?

Does it really matter if you know his address at this exact moment OP? You know your kids are safe and you know you can contact him and that's really all that matters.

He's being a dick by not telling you but equally it's not that big a deal and you definitely shouldn't withhold the children or make a huge scene in front of them.

You know they are safe with him and that's all that matters, surely?

Santaiscovidfree · 20/01/2021 13:46

The court order states addresses need to be disclosed... The judge must have a reason for that. My exh didn't get pulled up on stopping me collecting the dc... My solicitor was at fault not me..

Jobsharenightmare · 20/01/2021 13:49

I'd collect the children early too. He won't be there so there can't be a scene. You can then explain that you did it as he breached the order. I agree it's all about control.

Bibidy · 20/01/2021 14:12

@Jobsharenightmare

I'd collect the children early too. He won't be there so there can't be a scene. You can then explain that you did it as he breached the order. I agree it's all about control.
But surely the most important thing is that the children have a relationship and regular time with both parents? Rather than the ex and OP just trying to get one up on each other by withholding info or withholding contact.

I don't disagree that OP's ex is being a twat and it may be about control, but equally it's not hugely important that she know his address if handovers and drop-offs will happen from school anyway.

The kids will be the ones losing out if OP stops them seeing their dad for this reason.

EggBobbin · 20/01/2021 14:58

If he’s being ghat much of a duck about control/point scoring as to withhold address then by withholding contact OP will simply be handing him a stick to beat her with later.

It’s uncomfortable and unpleasant but giving him a clear deadline and then if necessary pursuing this through solicitor/court leaves a paper trail that protects OP.

JinglePies · 20/01/2021 15:06

Ok, here’s what I would do. You have emailed and asked him for his address. Send one more email to ask, remind him it is in the order and explain that you are not comfortable with the children being at an unknown address at the weekend.

If he doesn’t reply, send an email to the school on Friday lunchtime to let them know that unless they hear otherwise from you, you will be collecting the children on Friday. Explain why and ask if it is possible for you to collect them directly from the office so that they can avoid any conflict between their parents. Turn up a few minutes early.

Email when you get home to explain that contact will resume on the following contact weekend if you know his address by then.

(I’m not a lawyer but have been through similar).

movingonup20 · 20/01/2021 15:17

I'm in two minds, yes it seems reasonable to know where young kids are but the flip side is that it isn't now any of your business where he living or who with, and I can understand why some ow would not want their address disclosed. I do know my exh's girlfriends address, he gave it to me and the landline number and our kids are grown, but we have a good relationship, he knows my new address - if I hated him I'm not sure I would have told him - I would get him to pick dd up from the services instead.

It's not standard agreement, varies by circumstances