To have had enough tonight...

[simonneilsbeautifulhair]

I've tried really hard to just accept the current ongoing Covid/lockdown situation and not to let things I can't change upset me for nearly a year now.

However, since this latest lockdown began I have really been struggling, single parent with 2 dd. One dd was at uni but moved home just before the first lockdown and for various reasons hasn't been able to move out again. The other is 12 and in full blown teenager mode. Because eldest dd had moved out, we downsized as money is tight and now this means they have to share a room.

Usually dd1 and I get on amazingly but recently she's been feeling really fed up with her life not going anywhere and I have felt a lot of the anger at this has been aimed at me. She's snappy and doesn't want to spend any time with me. Tonight she has told me I don't understand how embarrassing it is sharing a room with her 12 year old sister (of course I do) but this felt like a personal dig from my POV, eg none of her friends would have to do this because their parents are all bloody rich, which just makes me feel like a shit mum who can't provide her with her own room. Even though from my POV she was also happy to take the £6000 towards two years of uni rent from the sale of larger house that I couldn't afford to run after my divorce, in exchange for not having a separate bedroom when she came home. Her dad and her have very little relationship so it's just me carrying all of this, she couldn't and wouldn't go stay with him for a while for example. Obviously neither of us could have foreseen the pandemic but that's the way it is....

12 year old dd2 is generally awful, shouty, refuses to do her school work, has no empathy for anyone. I've tried everything and she will have the odd moment where she seems human and then switches back to vile again within minutes. Awful to say but me and dd1 often live for the days when dd2 is staying with her dad.

After dd1 said that tonight and complained that she wished she wasn't doing a masters anymore so she could get a job and move out, I said that it felt like she was blaming me for not having a bigger house and endless money which makes me feel shit as I'm a single parent doing my best. Then dd2 piped up how it was all my fault as I forced dd1 into doing a masters (I didn't, I just suggested that as there wasn't much chance of her being able to travel as she planned that it might fill the time until things settle down), that she wasn't going to go to uni as she didn't want to ruin her life like we've both ruined ours. Suffice to say that went down like a lead balloon.!myself and dd1 are now both upstairs crying in separate bedrooms, I tried to tell her I love her once I'd calmed down a bit but she told me to go away. Dd2 is still downstairs watching a film and doesn't really give a fuck that she's made either of us feel shit. What the fuck do I do? I can't live like this anymore. I've done everything for these girls and I just feel like they both think I'm fucking shit. I don't really have any friends, they are literally all I have.

Sorry that was really long, not really sure what I'm asking but it just needed to let it out. Any advice greatly appreciated.

I have no advice really but I just wanted to say I’m not surprised you’re feeling like you do tonight. It’s so hard when your DC treat you as if everything is your fault even when all you’ve done is try your best. it’s exhausting and soul destroying. Sending you a hug...

@MrsMigginsPie

I have no advice really but I just wanted to say I’m not surprised you’re feeling like you do tonight. It’s so hard when your DC treat you as if everything is your fault even when all you’ve done is try your best. it’s exhausting and soul destroying. Sending you a hug...

That's exactly how I feel, like my soul is being destroyed. Thanks for the hug, what I wouldn't give for a real life hug.... can't remember the last time I had one.

I do feel for you but lockdown is amplifying things but they are only taking things out on you because you're the one person they have. A lot of kids say mean things but don't actually mean them.

Can you get your eldest d to sleep in the living room on a temporary bed so at least your DD are not sharing. If they start criticising you don't bite - just remind them calmly what you have done for them and then walk away and get some private space to calm down in your bedroom for a bit.

As for your DD - it will just be an empty threat. I very much doubt she has any intention of getting a job and moving out especially in today's climate but if she says that's what she wants to do then leave her to it. She's old enough to do that.

As hard as it is, everyone is stuck indoors and not used to spending so much time together - it's no wonder that people are getting on each other's nerves.

Spend some time on you - a long bath or reading so you have space from them.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. You’re doing the best you can, in extraordinary circumstances. I don’t know how old is your eldest, or all that is going on with her life, but shame on her for not showing a bit more empathy towards her mother.

Firstly huge hugs. You’re doing amazing in tough circumstances.
Secondly, your DD1 needs to pull her head out of her arsed. She’s acting like a bratty 10 year old, not a young woman. A few short years ago, it was common for siblings to share a room- not quite sure when it became tantamount to child abuse if she doesn’t like it she is free to get a job, leave uni and get herself a flat. A dose of reality might change her tune.
Your 12 year old is 12- emotionally immature, hormonal and likely coping her sisters spoilt behaviour.
Op, they will both grow up and grow out of it. Please don’t apologise to either of them for anything- it’s obvious you love them and are doing your best for them. They are both more than old enough to understand that, and I’m sorry they’re giving you a hard time.
Now pour yourself a massive glass of wine 🍷

Really not surprised with how you're feeling. Your older DD might be lashing out at you and you might be taking it as a personal dig but I guarantee it's just down to frustration and the feeling of one step forward, two steps back, rather than being angry at you for not buying a house with larger space.

@Laureline

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. You’re doing the best you can, in extraordinary circumstances. I don’t know how old is your eldest, or all that is going on with her life, but shame on her for not showing a bit more empathy towards her mother.

She's 22 and usually she's a lot more empathetic. Shes depressed at the moment though and when that happens she tends to only think about herself. She's on medication and for the most part this has helped her cope with lockdown and we have got on mostly very well and she often tells her sister that she's being unkind to me and tries to help. Which just makes it feel worse when it's her being like this as I'm used to dd1 being like this but we usually get on so well so it really hurts. The last few weeks since this lockdown began have been really tough. My work don't need me but have so far refused to furlough me so I have had no money coming in at all since before Christmas. Have managed to get another job which I start in a few weeks but I won't get paid until the end of feb so it's really tight at the moment. Dd1 has been really snappy and dd2 as awful as usual and it's just too much..... I know as soon as I start my new job dd2 won't do her school work without me making her so I'll have to come home from a long day and spend hours arguing with her over it. Dd1 will be up to her neck in uni work so won't have the time to make sure she does it. I just don't know how to make this any better and I feel like a total failure as a mother.

You are doing an amazing job. They are just frustrated and love you enough to take it out on you. Which isn’t nice but is human nature when you feel cross and not allowed any kind of freedom. Have a large drink and remember one day this will all be a memory.

Thank you all for the moral support, it helps just to be able to say this as i have no one to share this with IRL.

Teenagers can often unfavourably compare ther lives to others, l have had instances of this and it is hurtful, but l read something a while ago, which really helped " Observe, dont absorb", so now l try to step back and remember that, because other wise my mood is totally ruined.
Realistically our kids are never going to be permanently happy, whatever the situation, and this ongoing situation is definately not helping. It can feel claustraphobic everyone living on top of one another in lockdown.
You sound a wonderful Mum, maybe time now for you to think about widening your own social circle, so its not just about your daughters, l am a single Mum, my friends are a Godsend.

Hugs to you. Is there any way to put a partition in their bedroom or if yours is bigger divide in 2 something you can take down easily when dd1 leaves for uni or travel.

@Andi2020

Hugs to you. Is there any way to put a partition in their bedroom or if yours is bigger divide in 2 something you can take down easily when dd1 leaves for uni or travel.

Unfortunately neither room is big enough for that as it's a tiny 2 up/2 down terrace. The only way they fit in now is because dd2 has a loft bed that dd1s bed and clothes rail goes underneath.

Hugs. Tell you daughters that while you may not get the perfect mother, you are the only one they've got. And they need to put their big girl pants on and stop behaving like toddlers. It's tough shit for everyone, and everyone's responses is a measure of their character. What do they want? Argue all the time and be miserable or pull together, support each other despite the difficulties, forgive each other's weaknesses and emerge from this crisis as a stronger family? Both your daughers sound like they need some fast growing up. Talk to them like they are adults. Even the 12 year old.

And if they want more money, they can go job hunting for you or get jobs themselves (doing a masters is no excuse for not having a part-time job). Perhaps some real-world internet research will occupy their time and teach them something.

No advice but and it sounds awful. I hope your dd1 realises in the morning that shes been a bit of a pain and starts to cut you a bit of slack

So as much as it would pain me to let the youngest control the situation, could you put her in your room and you and dd1 sleep in her room?
Means her immaturity and annoyances are lessened with dd1 and I assume you and dd1 would be able to get a decent sleep and be civil to each other?

Sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time, OP. You’ve done your very best for them. I would just say, try to continue to be patient with DD1. She probably feels like her whole future has collapsed and she’s back sharing a room with her kid sister like a loser. She’s gone through life so far being part of a cohort of peers and so it is natural for her to compare her situation with her peer group. She’s not seen enough of life yet to realise things don’t always go to plan and often are unfair. Doing a masters remotely at home is a sensible decision but not enjoyable. She’s probably stressed and bored by the work and worrying about the amount of debt she’s in. I’m not excusing her behaviour but I can see how she’d be feeling fragile.

Ah that sounds hard. 12 year old girls are SUCH hard work. In your situation I would be tempted to give the DDs a room each and you could get a sofa bed to sleep on downstairs, on the condition that DD1 agrees to watch TV in her room etc when you want to go to bed? It would be annoying but it would give DD1 her own space. How big is the living room? Can you partition a bit off for you?

I hope this tough time passes for you soon

Do not give up your bedroom, that is your space. They'll both just have to get on with it. I shared a room with two sisters until I left home, it didn't do me any harm.

How you have managed to keep your cool and not have a complete ranting yelling go at the pair of them amazes me. I'm afraid I wouldn't have been so kind, and probably wouldn't have helped the situation.
I tend to have a good old shout at my kids (well teens, not littles) if they become petulant and start trying to blame me for their misery.
As parents we can only do our best, and we all do. There are very few who don't.
The whole country is in a shit situation, and blaming you is not on. You are trying to keep it together too.

I think today is probs alt the hardest day anyone has had for years (notwithstanding personal grief and loss of course).
It’s the shit bit of January that no one likes. Add to that the current situation - and I think tempers are completely frayed all round. I’ve seen multiple posts on FB today of people at the end of their tether. That means you are and probably both DD’s are too.

So what I’m trying to say is - tomorrow is another day. For tonight - just look after yourself for a bit. It’s pretty tough at the moment. You’re not shit, your daughter isn’t turning into a nightmare - you’re just all suffering what is currently an unbearable time.

There’s no excuses for either of your daughters behaviours/attitudes towards you! Think they need a bit of a reality check...they have a loving mum who is doing her best to provide for them. If ur older dd is that unhappy then she’s 22 get a job and get her own tenancy.

I’m 27 with a 9 year old DD of my own, I would never be so disrespectful to my own mother who brought me up and certainly wouldn’t allow my own DD to treat me in this way, everyone’s struggling they’re being pretty self absorbed.

The one doing a masters can still get a part time job of some sort. The youngest should have all privileges removed and a stern talking to. Also ask her what her plans for the future are but if she intends to marry a rich man you can enlighten her that that’s men are likely the cause of your troubles than university ( if their dad/dads don’t contribute). Also practically speaking could you think about repurposing a dining room or something as a bedroom to split them up?

Life is tough at the moment and all being together 24/7 is gruelling at times with no personal space.

Could you move into the sitting room for a while so they can have a room each? Might just give you all some breathing space and allow everyone to chill out by themselves.