To have had enough tonight...

[simonneilsbeautifulhair]

I've tried really hard to just accept the current ongoing Covid/lockdown situation and not to let things I can't change upset me for nearly a year now.

However, since this latest lockdown began I have really been struggling, single parent with 2 dd. One dd was at uni but moved home just before the first lockdown and for various reasons hasn't been able to move out again. The other is 12 and in full blown teenager mode. Because eldest dd had moved out, we downsized as money is tight and now this means they have to share a room.

Usually dd1 and I get on amazingly but recently she's been feeling really fed up with her life not going anywhere and I have felt a lot of the anger at this has been aimed at me. She's snappy and doesn't want to spend any time with me. Tonight she has told me I don't understand how embarrassing it is sharing a room with her 12 year old sister (of course I do) but this felt like a personal dig from my POV, eg none of her friends would have to do this because their parents are all bloody rich, which just makes me feel like a shit mum who can't provide her with her own room. Even though from my POV she was also happy to take the £6000 towards two years of uni rent from the sale of larger house that I couldn't afford to run after my divorce, in exchange for not having a separate bedroom when she came home. Her dad and her have very little relationship so it's just me carrying all of this, she couldn't and wouldn't go stay with him for a while for example. Obviously neither of us could have foreseen the pandemic but that's the way it is....

12 year old dd2 is generally awful, shouty, refuses to do her school work, has no empathy for anyone. I've tried everything and she will have the odd moment where she seems human and then switches back to vile again within minutes. Awful to say but me and dd1 often live for the days when dd2 is staying with her dad.

After dd1 said that tonight and complained that she wished she wasn't doing a masters anymore so she could get a job and move out, I said that it felt like she was blaming me for not having a bigger house and endless money which makes me feel shit as I'm a single parent doing my best. Then dd2 piped up how it was all my fault as I forced dd1 into doing a masters (I didn't, I just suggested that as there wasn't much chance of her being able to travel as she planned that it might fill the time until things settle down), that she wasn't going to go to uni as she didn't want to ruin her life like we've both ruined ours. Suffice to say that went down like a lead balloon.!myself and dd1 are now both upstairs crying in separate bedrooms, I tried to tell her I love her once I'd calmed down a bit but she told me to go away. Dd2 is still downstairs watching a film and doesn't really give a fuck that she's made either of us feel shit. What the fuck do I do? I can't live like this anymore. I've done everything for these girls and I just feel like they both think I'm fucking shit. I don't really have any friends, they are literally all I have.

Sorry that was really long, not really sure what I'm asking but it just needed to let it out. Any advice greatly appreciated.

My DH had to share a room with his 3 brothers. He would have been late teens or early twenties before he had a room of his own as they gradually married and moved out.

12 year old dd2 is generally awful, shouty, refuses to do her school work, has no empathy for anyone.

Teenagers are usually awful so know you’re not alone there.

Most children have to share rooms i don’t know many households that don’t have children sharing so your definitely not alone there either.
I get there is a big gap between them so they feel like it’s unfair but I know siblings with bigger gaps that share and until they can afford their own place they’ll need to get over it.

I think lockdown has probably had a big impact on them. It’s a stressful time and they are getting under each other’s feet and end up taking it out on you because we always take it out on the people we love the most for some reason.

I don’t have any advice OP but I hope things get better soon

The oldest one hasn't really got a leg to stand on

Could you move into the sitting room for a while so they can have a room each? Might just give you all some breathing space and allow everyone to chill out by themselves.

I would think about doing this too.

Most girls of that age would spend a lot of time in their rooms so will be out of your hair more.
Do you have a dining table in the kitchen that you could make into the place you all sit and watch tv together and then have the front room as more of your own personal space too.

I'm sorry to hear about this OP it's a really difficult situation. So many peope are feeling the same, and it's even harder when people are living so close together and not having personal space (a lot of people are in this boat too). I know it is said a lot but all we can do is push on to better times, and things will become easier in time. Hugs.

My daughter is usually a resilient ray of sunshine.

She's turned into an angry, depressed child who won't leave her room.

It's awful.

Our only communication is her snarling at me to leave her alone.

It's the lockdown. It's just taking chunks out of everybody.

In an ideal world, this would be intermittent, you'd shrug it off and talk to friends, your daughter would bounce back.

But there's no relief. 🤷‍♀️

So - sending sympathy. We will get through this. Try and get some time to yourself, out of the house, for your sanity. And always remember it's not you.

💐💐💐💐💐💐

Thanks for all the suggestions but as I said previously, it's a tiny 2 up 2 down terrace house so no dining room to repurpose (I wish! We don't even have a table to sit at as no room for it!) Although I understand the suggestion that them each having a bedroom and me in the sitting room might alleviate some friction, given that the sitting room is also tiny ( room for a sofa, an end table and the dogs bed, tv is on the wall!) and the front door opens straight into it, is not really practical and would drive me insane. Also whoever suggested myself and dd1 sharing the room with the loft bed, this is exactly what we would prefer to do.... but we both have a fear of heights so the loft bed is a no-go for both of us I really have tried to think of every possible solution before.

I've spoken to eldest dd tonight and she apologised for being a brat. I told her I know she probably doesn't mean it to come across like she is blaming me but she has to understand that's how it feels which really hurts when I try so hard. We've had a good cry together and resolved to try and think of things from each other's perspective more. Dd2 on the other hand screamed at me and called me a liar when I asked her why she said that we had ruined our lives and couldn't she see why that would be hurtful. I confiscated her phone and sent her to bed... she spent the next 20 minutes shouting about how she "didn't care"

Dd1 and I have now fully made up and are plotting hilarious ways to get dd2 back for her abominable behaviour (which we would never do but it's kept us sane whilst she huffs and puffs) eg going on her phone and changing her name on her social media to something really embarrassing, uploading a photo of her as a chubby baby pulling a weird face as her WhatsApp photo, recording a video for her Instagram story with her shouting at us in the background so all her friends can hear etc. We won't do these but coming up with ideas that would really piss her off has been strangely bonding

Kids of all ages can reach levels of frustration and take it out on their nearest and dearest. An hour later they are fine after letting it all out and we are left reeling. And this happens in homes with plenty of bedrooms / separate living areas etc. I have had it here. Somehow you think its because of your lack of space. Believe me it would happen anyway especially in a bloody pandemic.
You made a wise suggestion to dd to do a masters. She will be glad in the end. That's being a good mother helping to direct her to good choices.
Just be a bit careful you and dd1 don't sideline dd2 a bit due to her annoying behaviour. She may be acting out to get your attention since dd1 came home.
I found with teens you have to start afresh each day and its mothers who have to lead the way. So let tomorrow be a new day. Maybe with the air cleared moods may have lifted.
Go easy on yourself. And remember this is happening in other houses as well..even fancy ones.

@junebirthdaygirl

Kids of all ages can reach levels of frustration and take it out on their nearest and dearest. An hour later they are fine after letting it all out and we are left reeling. And this happens in homes with plenty of bedrooms / separate living areas etc. I have had it here. Somehow you think its because of your lack of space. Believe me it would happen anyway especially in a bloody pandemic. You made a wise suggestion to dd to do a masters. She will be glad in the end. That's being a good mother helping to direct her to good choices. Just be a bit careful you and dd1 don't sideline dd2 a bit due to her annoying behaviour. She may be acting out to get your attention since dd1 came home. I found with teens you have to start afresh each day and its mothers who have to lead the way. So let tomorrow be a new day. Maybe with the air cleared moods may have lifted. Go easy on yourself. And remember this is happening in other houses as well..even fancy ones.

Thanks June, the masters really was a good idea and I know she'll be glad she did it in a few months when it's finished especially as she's on track to get a first so far.

As for DD2, we really do try to do stuff with her and have fun with her, both together and separately, but she doesn't want to do anything with us as all she cares about is her phone and her friends. It's not just lockdown related either, she's always been 'strong-willed' but she changed into a 'teenager' overnight when she started secondary school a year and a half ago. She hasn't really cared less about anyone else's feelings since then. I know being 12 is vile especially in a pandemic and I try to make allowances, but she honestly has such a complete lack of empathy I worry about what her future holds.

So I've only read OPs posts...

In terms of you not being paid - has your company made you redundant? If you've been there more than 2 yrs they cannot just not pay you and keep you hanging. So maybe thats something to look at?
In terms of when you go back to work try to talk to dd2's school. If she is refusing to work then they can frack down on her, and if it continues to be an issue then she will be entitled to a school place as she is unable to complete work at home. Pressure on secondary places are much lower than primary but their need to keep the curriculum running is stronger so they will support you if she won't engage. It will take the pressure off as either she does the work during the day or goes into school...

The room situation sounds like a nightmare given the sizes, but life is what it is. I would make sure they both have somewhere - in separate rooms - to work though so that isn't cause for disruption!

Definitely sympathy here. I have a yr7 dd who has become a nightmare this year... she still has about 2hrs old lessons to complete today as she can't be bothered!

@LittleOwl153

So I've only read OPs posts...

In terms of you not being paid - has your company made you redundant? If you've been there more than 2 yrs they cannot just not pay you and keep you hanging. So maybe thats something to look at?
In terms of when you go back to work try to talk to dd2's school. If she is refusing to work then they can frack down on her, and if it continues to be an issue then she will be entitled to a school place as she is unable to complete work at home. Pressure on secondary places are much lower than primary but their need to keep the curriculum running is stronger so they will support you if she won't engage. It will take the pressure off as either she does the work during the day or goes into school...

The room situation sounds like a nightmare given the sizes, but life is what it is. I would make sure they both have somewhere - in separate rooms - to work though so that isn't cause for disruption!

Definitely sympathy here. I have a yr7 dd who has become a nightmare this year... she still has about 2hrs old lessons to complete today as she can't be bothered!

Unfortunately I've only been there just over a year and I'm an agency worker (supply teacher) so they can basically do what the hell they like, however morally wrong it is.

So glad to hear you have had a good chat with dd1 and sorted out the problems. That’s good for both of you.

As for dd2 perhaps just keep plodding on being nice to her and offering help or to do things and hopefully she will come through the other side eventually. One thought though- when you start your new job can she go into school whilst you are working as you are a key worker? That will give her some routine back and maybe she will see some friends whilst there as well as getting her work done so you won’t have to nag her in the evenings. It will also give dd1 some space by herself during the day and a break for them both.

You sound like a fab mum so you will be okay but we just need to get through this nightmare first....