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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he could have got up with dd?

31 replies

handelswe · 18/01/2021 23:03

This lockdown I’m staying with my daughters dad, his dad and his stepmum. So her dad can help and get to know daughter and so I can have some help as I struggled a lot being alone with dd in the first lockdown

He has been helping but dd has been getting up earlier the past week at about 5:30-6 and yesterday I was exhausted so he said he’d get up with her today as it’s my birthday and so I’d be able to have a lie In.

Anyway dd woke up at about 6 and I went to tell him dd was up but he seemed like he wasn’t going to get up as he kept saying what and he asked me what the time was and he just turned over but he said he’d get up in a few minutes. In the end I told him to forget it and I just got up with her. And when he finally got up at half 10 he told me he was tired and he isn’t a morning person but if I waited he would’ve got up with dd. And he said he got up earlier than usual so I can’t complain (he usually gets up at 11 but yesterday he didn’t get up until about half 12 and that was only when dd wanted him so her grandad took her to get him up!!)

Aibu to think he could’ve got up with her today? Would you have expected him to?

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 18/01/2021 23:09

This doesn't bode well. If this is a one off then maybe give him another chance... but it was your birthday and he couldn't be bothered to get up til half ten? And he thinks it's ok???
Hmmm...

LouiseTrees · 18/01/2021 23:10

Yep. I would also expect him to be up before 11. Does he work OP?

AndcalloffChristmas · 18/01/2021 23:11

Yes of course he could have - especially on your birthday!

Why can’t he do a fair half of the early mornings?

Mammyloveswine · 18/01/2021 23:13

Wtf???? He normally gets up at 11 or even 12?!!!

Does he work?

Not a good role model for your daughter sadly!

Although what about the grandparents? Hope you still had a nice birthday op.

partyatthepalace · 18/01/2021 23:20

Yep of course he could.

Not a lot of point you staying there... or do the family help in other ways.

Why is he in bed till 11??

Original poster
handelswe · 18/01/2021 23:25

No he doesn’t have a job yet as he’s not long came out of prison (that’s a different thread). His dad was annoyed at him yesterday as he was going to help him do something.

He stays up until late as he has energy drinks so he isn’t tired. I asked him earlier if he can get up with dd tomorrow and he said no as he can’t get up early! I was so annoyed as when he was in prison and dd was very small I never had a choice and I don’t now even though he’s involved and she’s now almost 3

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 23:25

Does he have a job?

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 23:26

@handelswe

No he doesn’t have a job yet as he’s not long came out of prison (that’s a different thread). His dad was annoyed at him yesterday as he was going to help him do something.

He stays up until late as he has energy drinks so he isn’t tired. I asked him earlier if he can get up with dd tomorrow and he said no as he can’t get up early! I was so annoyed as when he was in prison and dd was very small I never had a choice and I don’t now even though he’s involved and she’s now almost 3

Hang on. Are you the drunk driver ex partner one?
FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 18/01/2021 23:27

He sounds awful ☹️
Can you just pop her in with him and leave the room?

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 23:28

Oh you are.

OP, in the nicest way possible as I feel for you.

You post about minor issues , in separate threads, when really this is one massive thing. Why?

Dopo · 18/01/2021 23:59

This is a mess. You have feelings for him which are clouding your judgement.
This person has a serious history, a temper, refused to get out of bed and you're living there currently by the sounds of it, trying to mold him into something he's not.

I'd reassess if I really was doing this for my dd or if I just still had feelings/wanted to be a family.
This person hasn't attended counselling like they said and really doesn't appear the stable reliable sort.

My opinion is you're flogging a dead horse. Sort out your own issues and get yourself strong for your little girl, show her a good role model. This is unhealthy.

Good luck op

Wearywithteens · 19/01/2021 00:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 00:09

@Wearywithteens

If Dopo is right, I feel so sorry for your little girl and her future.
Easy, weary.

OP is young and it's a horrible situation.

Wearywithteens · 19/01/2021 00:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 00:18

@Wearywithteens

I know, I know kimchi - but it’s the children that end up suffering and bear the consequences. Sad
Normally I'd agree with you. I'm not known for my tact. But OP is suffering, she just doesn't know it yet as she's trying desperately to make this shit show work. She's a youngster herself (I don't mean this patronising, OP). Telling her it's her daughter you feel for will knock more of her confidence and send him even closer to this man in a desperate bid to make the family work because if she thought she could do it in her own she would have done.
Original poster
handelswe · 19/01/2021 00:19

Apart from not getting up until late, he’s a good dad to dd and he helps with her etc

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 00:24

@handelswe

Apart from not getting up until late, he’s a good dad to dd and he helps with her etc
Right. But you've posted two threads in two days about him not doing what you want him to.

I feel for you OP. I think you're amazing. I think you weathered the storm of the original situation pretty well, and I think you're fantastic now. But if I remember rightly, you were asked to bring DD to help him and give him a purpose.

He gets up at 12. Does he wash her? Feed her? Play with her? What makes him a good dad ? He has an army around him and he still can't get out his bed. He sits up at night drinking energy drinks (why?)

It's obvious you love him, and obvious you want your family to work. But between you and his parents you are facilitating him. On his own steam, is he a good dad?

You've mentioned his depression before and il give you that. But you can't fix him.

Did he do anything nice for your birthday?

Dopo · 19/01/2021 00:26

I hope op has real life support. Maybe her friend.
That little girl needs her mum, dad can be in the picture if he wants but I'd focus all my attention on the 3 year old and myself if I was you op.

I'd ring your gp and see if there's any counselling or support groups for you, I know with bloody corona it's a nightmare but it won't always be.
May be online groups for single young mums?

He's already telling you he isn't going to step up, get out of bed at a reasonable hour.
You may feel some obligation because his parents have been there for you, they can still be part of your daughters life.. you just need to really Seperate the person you once loved, and his actions now as a father, which are very poor.

I hope I haven't been too harsh. I sometimes just see such wasted potential in young females attaching to these ridiculous men. That's my issue.

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 00:28

@Dopo

I hope op has real life support. Maybe her friend. That little girl needs her mum, dad can be in the picture if he wants but I'd focus all my attention on the 3 year old and myself if I was you op.

I'd ring your gp and see if there's any counselling or support groups for you, I know with bloody corona it's a nightmare but it won't always be.
May be online groups for single young mums?

He's already telling you he isn't going to step up, get out of bed at a reasonable hour.
You may feel some obligation because his parents have been there for you, they can still be part of your daughters life.. you just need to really Seperate the person you once loved, and his actions now as a father, which are very poor.

I hope I haven't been too harsh. I sometimes just see such wasted potential in young females attaching to these ridiculous men. That's my issue.

I don't think you have been too harsh. I know it's pathetic as I don't know her from Adam but I really feel for this kid. The grown up one.

I don't think she feels obligation. You can of course correct me OP. She said previously grandad asked her to go to give him a purpose.

She loves him. She thinks she's fixing and helping and saving him. We've all been there.

It saddens me too. She sounds lik a incredible young woman.

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 00:32

@handelswe I just read your other post About DD kicking off, you shouting and him being very patient.

My issue is this. You are judging his parenting and behaviour against the bench marks of your friends words who thinks he will lose his temper or be abusive. He hasn't been. So in your head he's a good father. But in reality, there's a massive spectrum and this is not one long test to see if your friend is wrong. That shouldn't matter.

Can I ask you..are your own folks around?

Dopo · 19/01/2021 00:33

Yes we've all tried to fix one.

It's not your responsibility to fix him op, a child won't give him purpose if he's not there yet himself, if he needs discipline etc he needs to join a boot camp or something, heck he could even start retraining in a trade. Lying in bed all day won't help his depression but this is nothing for you to fix, he needs to sort that out and commit to it, his parents can support him through it.

Original poster
handelswe · 19/01/2021 09:24

He feeds her and plays with her etc. His dad believes that he’s just being lazy and he doesn’t get up until late because he stays up late

I know he loves dd.

My parents aren’t involved as they wanted me to have an abortion but I refused

OP posts:
buzzandwoodyallday · 19/01/2021 10:52

What a king among men you decided to procreate with. NOT. Get yourself and your DD home and resign this waste of space to your past where he belongs.

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 19:56

@handelswe

He feeds her and plays with her etc. His dad believes that he’s just being lazy and he doesn’t get up until late because he stays up late

I know he loves dd.

My parents aren’t involved as they wanted me to have an abortion but I refused

Well in fairness it seems as if your dad is right. What do you think?

Re your parents....oh OP Flowers

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 19:56

@buzzandwoodyallday

What a king among men you decided to procreate with. NOT. Get yourself and your DD home and resign this waste of space to your past where he belongs.
Read all the OPs threads before diving in. Not helpful.