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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think who have I married

37 replies

kellyb85 · 18/01/2021 19:53

Ok this is a bit of a vent of all my frustration at the minute but I really am starting to think who the flip did I marry?!?
Ok so me and hubby have been together for almost 20 years but only got married 16 months ago. We have a 9 year old and a 15 month old baby
We both work full time.
So when we had my daughter we would occasionally take turns in the night if she ever cried but I mainly did the bulk as I was on maternity leave and when I decided to go back to work she generally slept through the night. Fast forward to now and I could probably count on 1 hand the amount of times my husband has woke up with the baby. I could be up all night with baby screaming at top of his lungs and husband is sound asleep! Husband literally has no idea! So recently I have been waking husband up to do his part as he works 3 days 13 hour shifts so for the other 4 days he can pitch in. I work 48 hours over 5 days but I work from home so it is slightly easier.
Anyway I noticed it became really bad in 1st lock down. Husband was furloughed, I was not as I can easily do my work from home. But husband expected me to run the house, cook, clean and teach my 9 year old and look after baby whilst working and he would go out and do the gardening or something by himself. He would then come into the house, get snarky if house was a mess and if I argued back he would then tell me to stop work as it is getting me stressed! No mate it’s you doing as you pleased and leaving me to do everything is what is getting me stressed. Anyway this lockdown is slightly easier as baby can go into nursery and I can work. Anyway husband is off tomorrow so I said you need to sit with 9 year old and help with her school work. His reply “I’m no good at that, your better at doing stuff like that” what teach junior school maths you cannot do!?!?
My husband is amazing at DIY and he has done loads around our house and saved us a fortune.
So today his mother rang me asking if husband was ok? And she thinks he needs a project as this will cheer him up immensely! Also his brother has just bought a house that needs doing up so he can help and it’s a win win all round. I ended up putting the phone down saying something along the lines of yes win for everyone except me and the kids.
I’m now sat here feeling a bit guilty but seething. So now I will be left in lockdown with 2 kids working 48 hours a week and getting stressed and then I will start snapping at the kids so it’s just miserable all round.
Honestly 2 years ago I would have never thought of him the way I do this last year. I don’t know if it’s because we are always together (I love spending time alone!) but he is just so selfish and so lazy when it comes to parenting or the house. I even started thinking yesterday we shouldn’t have got married. What would you do in this situation and I am so sorry for the long winded post
Yes iabu - just get through it when the world is back to normal so will my relationship
Ianbu- get rid of the lazy sod

OP posts:
WinterdiscontentGlorioussummer · 18/01/2021 20:36

Bumping for you.

I suspect it's not that easy for you to dump your lazy dh even though he deserves it. Start by telling him which household stuff you expect him to do while you bring in the money.

Very convenient his dm has noticed his need for a project at the same time bil needs free work. What a coincidence 🤣.

Tell your dh, it's a lovely idea helping bil out, only he needs to bring the kids at all times and even home school them there 😉.

Or tell him to focus, if not dump.

Notenoughchocolateomg · 19/01/2021 00:54

No way would I tolerate this! I've been single (and I absolutely love it) for 4 years because my ex was a lazy slob. The thought of being stuck with him during lockdown makes me feel sick! Please don't allow this behaviour.

Sinful8 · 19/01/2021 05:03

Thats a big age gap did he want the 15 month old?

Could be he subconsciously sees them as more your responsibility if you were the main one in fqvour

Hailtomyteeth · 19/01/2021 05:21

'Did he want the baby'? Enough to stick his dick in his missus and wiggle it about.

There's no 'subconsciously' here. He thinks children, home and work are all the responsibility of his wife, and that he can duck out and go play builders with his brother because his mammy says so.

OP, I think you have a big problem.

Sinful8 · 19/01/2021 05:25

@Hailtomyteeth

'Did he want the baby'? Enough to stick his dick in his missus and wiggle it about.

There's no 'subconsciously' here. He thinks children, home and work are all the responsibility of his wife, and that he can duck out and go play builders with his brother because his mammy says so.

OP, I think you have a big problem.

But he didn't for the last 20 years of relationship and 9 years of that other child's life

Your being oversimplistic something as changes

grey12 · 19/01/2021 05:49

It seems he might have regretted baby 2... or has a bit of depression. I struggled with baby 3 plus lockdown plus other things, it can be tough.

You need to have a serious conversation with him.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 19/01/2021 13:28

Excel spreadsheet with work divided according to who is working when and what needs doing.

If he pulls weight then of course he can go and increase the value of his BIL's house in the time he has spare. But that's the decider, SPARE time, not piling all work and mental load to you.

BonnieDundee · 19/01/2021 14:18

I would be telling him if he steps up to help BIL and left me to flounder he could consider the marriage well and truly give and get the fuck out. While we were having that conversation I'd also.be making it clear that the only circumstances in which the marriage would continue was if the both of you were truly equal partners. Else he could sling his hook. Youd need to be prepared to follow through though.

I am so angry at your MIL on your behalf as well. How does she.get to decide that her precious DS gets to dip in and out of his marriage Angry

Godimabitch · 19/01/2021 14:42

Well the first thing is, he obviously cant go do stuff for his brothers house because he's needed at home to look after his children and his own house.

A spreadsheet or calendar that blocks off the time each parent is working. Then assign the jobs that need doing around that so youre both doing an equal total hours of stuff, be that working, cooking, cleaning, school work etc. If you're both doing equal hours hen he cant complain about how it is can he, because you're doing the same amount and if its suddenly so hard now for him then it means he used to be doing a lot less than you.

Godimabitch · 19/01/2021 14:44

If he chooses to help his brother over his wife and kids then I'd absolutely consider the marriage over. You and his kids are meant to be his priority.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 19/01/2021 14:45

Have you sat down and spoken to him? Nit as in 'can you do this tomorrow' but as in 'in meant to be working from home, you're not, how can we share the tasks more equally'. What does he say if you've pointed out it's not fair that one person has to do a full time job and childcare and housework and home schooling which all can't be left but the other half of the 'partnership' just gets to potter about doing things they enjoy? If he still CBA when you've pointed out how unfair it is and how it's making you feel then I think you have an issue. If you havent already done so, talk around how you feel and avoid making accusations like 'you're lazy' and generalisations like 'you never do this'. Be specific like 'when you refused to help with the maths yesterday and expected me to do it even though I'm working it made me feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. How can we spread the tasks more evenly so I dont end up feeling resentful'. And then point out if you split up he would have to do a lot more than he currently does in his own house and on his own with the kids. Can he explain why he thinks housework is your responsibility when you're working and he isnt?

bumblingbovine49 · 19/01/2021 14:46

And this is why childless couples are often much happier for longer than couples with children. Children require Timex attentions and work constantly. Some people are not suited to it . I know that I get on much better with DH when it is just us, than when we have DS around , mostly because we

bumblingbovine49 · 19/01/2021 14:47

Posted too soon

...Can do what we like, more or less when we want to without it doing any harm to anyone else.

Helphusbandsadick · 19/01/2021 15:09

Wow thank you everyone for your words of encouragement 😊 I am going to sit down with him tonight and have a talk as it is getting absolutely ridiculous!
He was in charge with the kids yesterday and he ended up dumping them with mil so he could go to his brothers and help out. I was fuming so we argued last night.
Today he has looked after them whilst I have worked upstairs. He has cleaned the house so I’m guessing he thinks that’s his job done for the month!!!
He certainly never used to be like this before ds2 came along I’m sure. In fact I always used to sing his praise about how much he did for the family 😱
I think he may have had a little shock to the system when ds2 came along as my daughter was growing up and settling down in the house and now there is a baby that needs constant attention!
I don’t know hopefully our talk tonight may bring something up! I will definitely try and bite my tongue and be diplomatic
Thank you everyone xx

TheGoodEnoughWife · 19/01/2021 15:23

I agree with giving him the benefit of doubt right now but sit down and tell him this cannot go on. There is no way you should be trying to keep house, sort children and work when he is furloughed!

He clearly needs it explaining to him very carefully. If only for when you say you have had enough and want a divorce he can't then say he didn't know what was wrong.

I would also explain that if he chooses to help his brother while leaving you with everything else your respect for him will be so damaged that you fear for your relationship. Personally resentment for me would have already built up that I would struggle to stay in the relationship. You and your children should come first and then doing things for others.

It is hard home schooling right now but if you can then he can.

HowManyToes · 19/01/2021 15:24

@BonnieDundee

I would be telling him if he steps up to help BIL and left me to flounder he could consider the marriage well and truly give and get the fuck out. While we were having that conversation I'd also.be making it clear that the only circumstances in which the marriage would continue was if the both of you were truly equal partners. Else he could sling his hook. Youd need to be prepared to follow through though.

I am so angry at your MIL on your behalf as well. How does she.get to decide that her precious DS gets to dip in and out of his marriage Angry

ANSOLUTELY! Id be having strong words with my MIL once I’d finished with the husband. I’m absolutely furious reading this!
PicsInRed · 19/01/2021 15:32

You got married, now he thinks he owns you and your domestic labour.

Sadly common.

Rhubarbcrumblerules · 19/01/2021 15:42

surely he cant go to BIL during lockdown?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/01/2021 15:47

I don't know if it helps, but you're not alone. The news is full of stories about how lockdown has disproportionately affected women - this is what that looks like in real life.

You need to have a serious talk to him and I mean properly serious. If you are working you need to work. If he is not working he needs to look after most of the house stuff and the homeschooling. That's just as simple as that.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/01/2021 15:47

I think the pandemic has brought out the cracks in all but the most perfect marriages.

You need to talk to him, tell him you're feed up of being treated like the maid. You do more days and more hours than him so he either steps up or he can go and live with his mother,, at least then you'll get eow off.

Set out clearly what you need, give him space to put his wife forward (I assume as he works less hours the only excuse he has is than his penis stops his doing it) and then think on from there

LemonBreeland · 19/01/2021 15:54

You need to sit him down at a time when you are not stressed and in the middle of a busy day and tell him he needs to step up. Point out how much you are doing and how little he is, and that it can't continue.

BonnieDundee · 19/01/2021 15:59

Dont you dare bite your tongue and be diplomatic! Tell the lazy bastard how it really is or he will continue to walk all over you

TonMoulin · 19/01/2021 16:07

I think it’s marriage that does that, more than having another child.
It seems that marriage is like a switch for some men to start behaving like 1950s arsehole.

I would sit down @kellyb85 and very calmly point out that he is a father nd is equally responsible for BOTH his dcs as well as the running of the house.
That you are only asking for what he did 2 years ago. Not something crazy.
Be clear in boundaries and tell him what your expectations are. Don’t come a rescue him. And remind him that the only reason why he doesn’t hear his dc through the night is because he doesn’t think it’s his issue and is blocking the sound.
FWIW having a word with DH about ‘not hearing the baby’ meant she suddenly was able to wake up and hear him. It’s all in their heads.

TonMoulin · 19/01/2021 16:08

And btw the ‘helping with the DIY’ is a very big NO until he can get his fingers out and start doing the half of the parenting and cleaning he is supposed to do!
After all, if he is off 3 days a week, I’m assuming that means he is also looking after a toddler 3 days a week. No?

yetmorenamechanging · 19/01/2021 16:18

@BonnieDundee

Dont you dare bite your tongue and be diplomatic! Tell the lazy bastard how it really is or he will continue to walk all over you

This. Being diplomatic essentially means you're putting how he feels above how you feel. He's already putting his feelings front and centre. Your actually doing emotional labour in his behalf in doing this!

You're co-parents and in a contractual partnership. Your experience, feelings and experiences matter equally as much as his.